August 15, 2018

super slow mo

I recently got a refund for my 1 year old phone, due to a persistent receiver problem. That was why I was in an electronics retail shop to purchase a new phone for myself. It’s the latest Samsung Galaxy S9, and I got a pretty good deal about it. One of the sales guy, who looked like he just left school, was eager to explain the phone’s perks to me, while doing the paperwork for the purchase.

Salesboy:: “Congrats on the new phone, Mr. Ooi, it’s a great choice. This phone has a great camera and a lot of features”

Me:: “Thanks, this new phone looked very similar to my S8, really hard to tell them apart unless you look closely”

Salesboy:: “It has a much better camera, believe me. And it has super slow mo, which is cool” *nods enthusiastically*

Me:: “Well, I’ve owned my S8 for close to a year, and I’ve only used the slow mo twice… I guess I won’t be using the super slow mo much…”

Salesboy:: “Yeah, it’s mostly used by the younger generation.”

I felt a stab in the heart, his words reverberated inside my head… ‘younger generation’. What the fuck. So now I’m in the older generation that is not savvy about the latest technological features of a goddamn phone?? Fucking shit man. This is so damn sad.

It ought to kill the mood but, oddly, I wasn’t pissed or anything. I was more like, amused with what he said. I then made a joke that he didn’t get and went ‘nevermind’. Fucking old fart, starting to get out of sync with the world.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
August 1, 2018

keke challenge

I had to do a school run one morning for my daughter Regine. This is usually done by my wife, Emily, because I have many early morning meetings. Fuck of a job, I know. Anyway, as expected, I got stuck in a jam that inches towards the school gate that morning. I looked at Regine in my rear view mirror, she was looking outside the car, watching the world went by.

Me:: “You know what’s a ‘keke challenge’, right?”

She beamed me a smile and said,

Regine:: “Yeah, hahah!”

To those of you who lives in caves and have not heard of the ‘keke challenge’, it’s a man-made phenomenon that cashes out years of accumulation of stupid people who have survived the process of natural selection either from means of technological advantage or sheer dumb luck. The challenge is real simple – just film yourself jump out of your moving car, and do a dance along the moving car… and post the feat in your favorite social media. Stupid people will find this challenge irresistible (you should be seeing this all over YouTube now of people getting their shit ruined by attempting the dangerous challenge). That’s why I had to find out if my daughter has to be put to sleep or something…

Me:: “So I’m gonna go real slow in front of the school here, and you can do a ‘keke challenge’ in front of your friends… how about that?”

Regine:: “You crazy?? I’m not dumb, ok?”

Me:: “Worst case, you’d roll on the pavement a few times, but you’d look good doing it. But if you succeed, you’ll be full of style.”

Regine:: “Nice try.”

I guess she passed the test then. She’s going to survive this world.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
July 21, 2018

black shoes for school children

It is in the news today. The new government’s Ministry of Education came up with the idea of implementing black shoes for the school children. One of the primary reasons cited? Easier to maintain. *facepalm* Here’s one of the news snippet:

[source]
Students to wear black trainers next year, says Dr Maszlee
SHAH ALAM: Next year, school students will step out in black shoes instead of in white.

According to Education Minis­ter Dr Maszlee Malik, the ruling is prompted by parents.

“The mothers especially, not so much the fathers,” he said during a question-and-answer session on education organised by Sinar Harian.

The packed session yesterday was moderated by journalist Tan Sri Johan Jaaffar.

Dr Maszlee was also asked what he wanted to achieve while at the helm of the ministry in the next five years.

“I want to ensure that children carry lighter bags to school and shorten the number of years students spend in school before furthering their studies,” he replied.

Dr Maszlee also said the ministry agreed with the Transport Ministry to sell special number plates to alumni of public universities as a form of additional funding for the institutions.

“Through a JPJ (Road Transport Department) collaboration with the universities, we will try to issue and sell number plates.

“For example, a graduate of UM (Universiti Malaya) may like to have the number plate UM1000 or UM2322.

“So they will pay JPJ, with half of the proceeds going to the university,” he said.

He urged the alumni to support their own universities.

“If the graduates and alumni don’t help their alma maters, who else will?”

Dr Maszlee also said he had assured the universities that their funding would not be cut but at the same time, there would be no guarantees of additional monies for them.

Meanwhile, Mydin managing director Datuk Ameer Ali Mydin asked if Dr Maszlee’s statement on black shoes for school students had been made after adequate consultation.

“I’m sure some mothers have complained but has he asked all the stakeholders, like parent-­teacher associations?”

Ameer noted that for generations, the practice of Malaysian students keeping their school shoes clean was a way of demonstrating personal hygiene, standards and discipline.

He added that parents would have to fork out money to buy new black shoes for their kids.

“School uniform sellers and shops with stocks of white school shoes will also be left holding the bag if the minister’s words become policy next year,” he said.

My question to Dr. Mercedes Benz here is – is that going to make your students smarter? If no, then why bother spending the unnecessary resources to implement & enforce this good-for-nothing ruling?

Our school shoes have been white for many decades, and maintaining them hasn’t been a problem, until these new generation of oxygen-wasting moronic parents whine about the school shoes being hard to maintain.

White school shoes and uniform are supposed to teach our children one thing – discipline. The discipline to groom oneself, by maintaining the cleanliness of one’s own uniform. The white color would make it easier to spot dirt/filth/stain, and harder for the students to be a sleaze. It looks cleaner and in some ways, make it safer for them as a pedestrian because it’s easier to spot in white.

Pakatan Harapan government is trying too hard to make popular decisions. Sometimes you got to think yourself. Don’t just listen to idiots. (there are many of them)

michaelooi  | snippets  | Comments Off
July 11, 2018

football & loogie

I was wondering, with so many players spitting into the field during a football match, how much loogie actually ended up on the players’ head/hair?

You see, every time a camera pans to a player, you’re bound to see that fucker spit something onto the field. There are 22 players in a field, and I can assume that half of them do that all the time. Let’s assume, 2 spits every 1 minute (very conservative estimate, the number could be much much higher). So, during an entire match, 180 spits from 11 players (let’s not count the extra time, and also the linesmen/referee). That’s like, 1980 spits.

You divide that shit evenly across the area of the field, that’s like, a quarter spit in each meter square (a football field is 7140 square meters). But we all know there’s no such thing as a quarter spit so, let’s put it a 25% chance of hitting a spit at each square meter (I’m not sure if that’s how it worked out but, that’s my logic) when it is close to the end of the match. But because that’s a rolling ball, you can bet your ass that it is accumulative throughout the game (not mentioning, the stale spits left over from the past matches). Meaning, if a ball travels the distance it has to go in a match, every square meter has a 25% chance of coming in contact with some asswipe’s phlegm/loogie, when it is close to the end of the match (disregarding the past matches factor). And that shit gets rolled over to the next square meter, gets the same chance of contacting a loogie, repeated again, and again. The whole ball is definitely going to be full of slime by the end of the match, even if they change the ball regularly.

But anyway, it is bad enough to roll around for a few minutes on the field (those who fake injuries like Neymar, has a 100% chancee of getting in contact with someone’s loogie). You take the area of the head contacting the ball during a header, divide it with the total area of the football – you get the % of chance of a loogie getting into someone’s head/hair/face (I’m just too lazy to do the math) on every encounter.

So, what the fuck? If you don’t see the problem here, go google for Hepatitis C, B or Herpes. Players who spit into the field should be given a red card.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
July 3, 2018

15 fucking years old

This weblog has just fucking turned 15 years old. To you fucks who have no fucking idea how fucking long that is, here’s a fucking list to put things into fucking perspective:

– When I fucking started this weblog, I was only fucking 26 years old. I will be turning 41 this September. Fuck.
– I have fucking changed a total of 3 fucking cars since this weblog fucking started. The latest car I’m using now is 6 fucking years old. Fuck me.
– My daughter is fucking 12 now. I was still fucking bar hopping when the weblog started.
– My country has changed 4 fucking Prime Ministers since this weblog started. Madey, Pak Lah, Bijan and fucking Madey again.
– We were still fucking around with cathode ray tube televisions 15 fucking years ago.
– The word ‘tweet’ fucking meant nothing as a verb back when this weblog started because Twitter has not fucking existed yet.
– There were fucking no internet connectivity on phones 15 fucking years ago.
– Kill Bill was fucking launched the same year when this weblog started. I bet half of you fucking turds don’t know who Bill was (Bill’s dead).
– The Ronaldo we fucking had back then was a fucking Brazilian, not a fucking Portuguese.
– If you fucking started reading this weblog when you were fucking primary one, you’d have completed or about to fucking complete your tertiary education by now.
– Online shopping was largely unheard of 15 fucking years ago and laptops still fucking had floppy disk drives on them. (if you do not know what’s a fucking floppy disk, that’s your save button).
– Your mom wasn’t so fucking fat back then.

Proudly brought to you by the words ‘fuck’, ‘you’ and ‘me’.

michaelooi  | site stuff  | Comments Off