The first time (and only time) I got mugged was when I was 14 years old at a mall (it was at KOMTAR, if you need to know). I was with 3 of my friends, and we were heading towards the bus station from the arcade center, when a Chinese guy in his mid twenties pounced on us and started screaming in Hokkien,
“Kanneh mah eh cheeebye lu lang!!”
(”Fuck all of your mothers’ cunts!!”)
The guy who did the shouting had a set of buckteeth, and he looked like someone directly descended from the apes, bypassing the evolution process. You know… protruding eye sockets, untidy clothes, greasy hair, unusually dark in complexion. With him, was a nerdy guy who looked a little bit younger, but both of them were definitely bigger than 4 of us skinny fucks.
“Lu lang pak lim beh eh sio tee si boh???”
(”Aren’t you guys the ones who assaulted my brother???”) *or something like that…
The 4 of us were needless to say, terrified and stunned. We had no idea what the fuck the guy was talking about and what was about to happen. Both of the thugs then threatened to have all of us killed unless we follow them to ‘clarify the matter’. Then Buckteeth guy proceeded to headlock one of my friends out of the area, and Nerdy guy herded the remaining of us to follow them.
We eventually reached an alley not far from the mall, and that was only when we realized that all the drama was just a trick to get us away from the public and into the alley to get mugged. I don’t remember seeing any of them using a knife or anything dangerous, but for some strange reasons, none of us thought of fighting back or to run off. So we kind of foolishly stayed and complied with everything they wanted – our valuables. (thankfully, they weren’t into screwing bungholes…)
Buckteeth was quick to take charge, and set to work on 2 of my friends and at the same time, instructed Nerdy to handle my friend William and I. Completely out of sight with each other, they worked concurrently to cut the time short. I could hear Buckteeth screaming at the top of his lungs to instill fear at the other side of the alley, but Nerdy was a little bit calm with his request… he politely asked that I hand out my wallet without raising his voice. After some rummaging, he found a 5 ringgit bill and asked me,
“Goh koh?”
(”Five bucks?”)
Yeah, I only had 5 bucks in my wallet. With a disappointed look, he turned to my friend William and made the same request. 50 cents – that was all he found. That was when he exclaimed,
“Hamilanchiau?? Goh puat??”
(”WTF?? 50 cents??”)
Apparently, my friend William had used up all his money in the arcade center, and saved just enough to take a bus home. That’s why he only had 50 cents in his wallet. Not knowing what to do, Nerdy turned away in what seemed to be an attempt to consult Buckteeth on what to do with us, but Buckteeth was too busy shouting and yelling at my friends. So Nerdy turned to give us back our money (yeah, my 5 bucks and William’s 50 cents) and asked William in utter disbelief – ‘what the fuck are you doing in a mall with fifty cents??’ – and the 3 of us then laughed like jackasses. Because the mugging plan kind of foiled on both William and I, Nerdy decided to settle for a casual chat (eg ‘you guys still schooling or something?’) and told a few jokes while waiting for Buckteeth to complete his mugging…
We chatted for about a couple of minutes before it was all over. Both William and I didn’t lose anything from the incident, but the other 2 of my friends lost a couple hundred bucks plus a gold chain to Buckteeth. And as if the afternoon was not bizarre enough for both William and I, Nerdy thug actually gave William a 1 ringgit note from his own pocket before bolting off and asked him to bring more money to the mall the next time, and bade us a farewell.
