August 21, 2016

double parking is never ok

Lately, there’s this trend of people posting pictures of reckless driving/parking to a dedicated Facebook page to shame the perpetrating bastards. I’ve seen shitloads of them shared by my friends. One of the most annoying ones, has to be ‘double parking’. (I’ve never encountered a lot of double parkers myself though, just once)

Now, each time I see these double parking rants get posted on the said Facebook page, I’m bound to see some smartasses commenting that – “how can the asshole park his/her car without leaving his/her number on the dashboard!?”. Do you see what is wrong here? If you don’t, then you ought to be lynched. Here, let me point this out to you – the main problem is supposed to be ‘double parking’, but some people see it as ‘not leaving your contact number when double park’… Still don’t get it? How about women getting raped, but people see the problem as not using a condom in the rape. See it now you fucking morons??

If leaving a contact number on the dashboard makes double parking ok, then what’s the point of having parking lots? Why don’t we just fucking leave our cars wherever we want, as long as we leave our contact number on our dashboard? How fucking stupid can you people be?? It vexes me deeply, to think that we actually have some people in the community here think that it is alright to double fucking park the car as long as there’s a contact number left inside the car.

I fucking swear goddamn it, the next time I see a double parking car – even with a contact number left in it – I’m going to fucking break every windscreen/window to release the parking brake and push the damn thing into a ditch.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
August 10, 2016

my hairdressers

Through the years, I’ve had no less than a dozen hairdressers servicing my head before. I change them like how Ted Mosby would change girlfriends.

My first ever hairdresser was of course, my own mom. Mom would strip me naked in the toilet, and cut my hair as she saw fit. As style wasn’t an issue for me yet, I gave very little shit about how she’d want me to look. And I was content with that until I started schooling.

When I started primary school, mom stopped cutting my hair. She instead, sent me to the local Indian barber at the Rifle Range neighborhood – for RM 1.50 per haircut. The place had white tiles, like a fucking toilet. Indian barber would make me sit on a plank that was placed across the armrest of the old as shit barber chair, and cut my hair with a pair of mechanical hair clippers (which mom fondly referred as ‘the crab machine’).

Then when I moved away from Rifle Range, I started to patronize a ‘unisex hair salon’ outlet near my new house. The place was located next to an whorehouse, but was fucking air conditioned and was as hip as shit. The hairdressers there were chicks with cleavage, and it was a far departure from the hairy Indian barbers. They charge RM 5 a pop, including scalp massage and a hair wash. Considered expensive back then, but it was a worthy expenditure for a little style and some tits to ogle at.

About a couple years later, when I got my first bicycle, I ventured further from my home in pursuit of a cheaper haircut and better style (got bored with the ‘whorehouse hair salon’ quickly, especially when they weren’t really that good at giving haircuts). Recommended by a classmate, I found a porcine middle aged housewife who operated illegally at a low cost flat near Batu Lanchang. For just RM 3, the housewife could cater any request including the popular Aaron Kwok hairstyle (hah! try asking an Indian barber to do that, you’d get a ‘wokek’ chide).

And she was goooooood, but there was a problem. She was too popular. Her illegal hair salon was as packed as fuck. Throngs of housewives would flock to her joint every day, sometimes I had to wait for 2 hours to just get a haircut. That was why I ventured a lot of different outlets when I was around 15 – 17 years old. One of them was another illegally operated joint (I don’t know what’s with me patronizing illegally operated hairdressers…) at Macallum Street (had to take a bus there) operated by this terrifying old queer who looked like an overweight Richard Simmons. I only went there once, needless to say. Then I also patronized a hairdressing college near my tuition center. For only RM 2, you could get your hair cut by aspiring hairdressers. Plenty of hot chicks and tits, but the hair job was lousy and took forever (I was once late for my tuition).

I went hither and thither until I had my first motorcycle. My dad introduced me to his friend who started a salon, whose wife was a Thai (the hairdresser). If I had to describe her, I’d say she looked somewhat like that funny manicure/pedicure lady in Legally Blonde (but now she looks like geriatric Snorlax). My dad told me she had a degree from France or something like that, so it did a lot for her credibility then. But most of all, it was just RM 3 a pop, the cheapest haircut I could find then. As a bonus, the place was deserted most of the time, which was perfect for me. I patronized the outlet for many years (yes, it’s the same one I wrote about here), until about 2 years ago, when they increased the hair job to RM 20 a pop (through the years, it was increased from RM 3 -> RM 5 -> RM 8 -> RM 10… so on). That was when the straw broke the camel’s back, and I said – “FUCK IT! I’m going to look for a new joint!”.

That was how I ended up at this chain store of a hairdressing place inside a hypermarket. For RM 16 a pop, it was a better deal for me than Snorlax’s hair job. Operated by 2 and a half women, the place was easily accessible and high tech (they have one of those vacuum machine to clean you up). One was a young chick whom I would refer as ‘warm hands’, because she has warm hands. Like she has high viral fever. Fair skinned and common ah lian lookalike, her styling sucks. She’s my least favorite (I like her hands though). Then there’s this middle aged skinny ass lady whom I’d refer as simply ‘goddamn old aunty’ (‘si lau ee’ in hokkien). She has a talking problem. When asked for a style, she’d go technical like she’s about to write a thesis to cure herpes. She wears this goddamn belt with scissors and clippers (one of them blunt) around her waist, and would switch clipper heads stylishly like it fucking matters. Not surprisingly, her styling sucks too. The best is this tomboy with a long face (hence, the half woman). She might not be a looker, but she has great skills (she looks pale like a terminally ill tuberculosis patient). Of all 3, I like her hair job the most. Quick and nice. Tomboy would be my first choice every time I wanted a haircut there. But the problem is, it all depends on luck because of their stupid rotation system. That’s why I always have to scope around the joint before I walk in, just to double ensure that it is tomboy’s turn. I’ve had hits and misses over the months, for I’ve ended more times getting my hair cut by that ‘goddamn old aunty’ than the tomboy. And to rub salt to the wound, they’ve recently hiked the price to RM 18 a pop.

I’m gonna have to look for another joint soon.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
August 3, 2016

John the restaurant manager

Bill, the owner of a busy restaurant, was talking to the restaurant manager at his outlet one day to talk about a leaky pipe situation…

Bill: “So, John, how long does it take to settle this mess?”

John: “Takes time to find out where the underground leak is. Then once identified, the plumber need to hack up a part of the floor there, and install a new pipe. Could take the whole work day. And that is assuming that is the only leak. Then there’s the need to-” [Bill cuts him off]

Bill: “That’s too long. Can’t you just get more plumbers to speed it up? It’s just manhours.”

John: “Well, I can get more plumbers but the troubleshooting takes-” [Bill cuts him off again]

Bill: “No no no… if a plumber takes the whole day, then technically that job would just take a quarter of the day if we have 4 plumbers.”

John: “That’s not how-” [Bill cuts him off again]

Bill: “Just goddamn get 8 plumbers, and I expect this to be resolved in an hour from now. Now go get it done already.”

John: *picks up a ball point pen and stabs Bill in the face*

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
July 20, 2016

super awesome toasts

Hi guys. Today I’m going to teach you how to make a meal of super awesome toasts.

I bet many of you think making toasts is easy, well, hell yeah. But making a super awesome one ain’t… so, consider this a random act of kindness from me.

So let’s get things started already. First of all, the ingredients.

1) Sliced white bread. Get something with a dense white part, and not too thick. Gardenia is good. Again, avoid using other types of bread like wholemeal or butterscotch. Those bread are only suitable as bird feed.

2) Salted butter. Processed from the milk of a cow born on 29th February of odd years. If you can’t find one, get SCS salted butter. (no, adding salt to unsalted butter won’t work). Make sure it is not too soft. Best is to leave it for about 15 – 20 mins at room temp (29C, longer if colder) once it is taken out of the fridge.

3) Sweetened condensed milk. If you do not know what’s a condensed milk, you should probably jump from a very high building. Sweetened condensed milk is ubiquitous in hypermarts and grocery stores. Get a decent one like Susu Cap Junjung or the Teapot brand. Lookout for dead lizards in the can.

4) Proper tools to do the job. A butter knife to spread the love across your toasts, and a fucking toaster. Seriously, use a fucking toaster, not an oven or waffle maker.

And that’s all you ever need. Here are the steps:

First you lay out 2 slices of white bread flat onto a plate. Then you inspect them for flaws.

sandwich
the sliced white bread should be white and flawless you fuck

Once you’ve completed inspection, setup the toaster. First install a driver called ‘commonsense.py’. Set the toaster to about 30% burnt. Different toasters have varying levels but they all meant the fucking same thing. Mine has 5 levels, so my setting should be about 1.5.

sandwich
those numbers aren’t indicating the minutes, you dumb fuck

Then you carefully install those inspected sliced white bread pieces into the toaster slots. Make sure they’re seated at the center to allow it to aerate and breathe evenly (alright I just made that up, I just have a mild case of OCD). If your bread slices don’t fit, go buy a new toaster.

sandwich
correct way to install Sliced Bread 2.0 into Toaster Kernel

You should get the installation right by now. Push down the lever to activate toaster. You should be able to smell the aroma of the bread if it’s working. If it’s not, try to microwave your cellphone.

sandwich
those glowing little lightsabers are doing their job toasting the damn bread

The toasts are ready when they pop up from the toaster. Now WAIT! Literally that’s what you need to do. You need to cool down the toasts, and yet retain its crispness. Just put them under the fan for 3 minutes. Or you can leave it for 8 minutes 13.45 seconds without a blowing fan.

sandwich
leave them to cool down, very important

The reason to cool them down is to not ruin the butter. The butter should be creamy on the toast, not melt like grease. If the toasts are hot/warm, the butter will melt and there goes your toasts. Once they’ve been cooled down, spread the butter on one of the toasts like how you’d spread love to a sweet looking poontang.

sandwich
butter on toast should not melt. if it does, you’ve failed your parents

Then you spread the other piece with the sweetened condense milk. The thing is damn sweet so, spread in moderation unless you’d like some diabetes to go with your toasts.

sandwich
a thin layer of condensed milk. Only works on toasts, would seep through regular bread

Once you’ve got both sides prepped, carefully assemble them spread-to-spread, just like how a seasoned cobbler glue together the naked sole of a shoe to a rubber outsole. Your toast sandwich is now ready to be devoured.

sandwich
tadaa! one of the very few non-sex-toy items in the world that gives you orgasm

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
July 4, 2016

“Eye In The Sky” (2015)

Don’t you hate it when a flick has to waste 40 – 50% of its entire screening doing some background sub-story for the protagonist – which probably has no significance to the main plot? Fucking annoying, isn’t it? Why can’t every movie just start midway, just like Dredd or Children of Men? Or this, Eye In The Sky?

Awesome piece of shit, this movie. If one knows my preference, you’d know that I like engaging flicks with very little bullshit background storytelling and one that leaves me plenty of room to do some thinking instead. This flick is one stellar example of how it should be – virtually no character building kinds of shit that I abhor and straight to the point. All the character building will be from the viewer’s own judgement based on what transpired in the plot. Who’s cold, who’s soft, who’s the pussy, it’ll be built in the mind when the movie ends.

The plot of this flick revolves around a military drone monitoring cum capture mission of several prized terrorist targets, which then turned into a goddamn assassination mission after the targets changed the meeting place to an unsafe (for capture) zone. Unbeknownst to the soon-to-be-dead terrorists, the whole house (meeting place) was being monitored by no less than a dozen strangers through a drone plane high def camera, comprised of military men/women and ministers of a few nations (a joint military operation). But what was initially a straight forward guided missile strike, soon escalated into a predicament, when a fucking kid came into the picture to complicate the situation. So there’s the question of protocol, morality, legality and humanity to defuse the tension – kill the kid and save the public? Spare the kid and risk the public (there were suicide bombers in there…)? The plot even throws in some light comedy as well, which was brilliant. And it was all in 1 sitting. Just a little more than 90 minutes, it is a gem to watch. (at one point, it even reminded me of the red tapes I faced at work in real life…)

8 out of 10 (engaging plot, solid performance especially from Professor Snape, a little gore to the taste)

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off