Remember this post I wrote about? The 2 hours’ worth of traffic standstill in the same 7 – 8km with my wife and daughter in the car? Actually, there’s one other thing that happened which I didn’t mention… and it is one of those things that will make me remember this day for the rest of my life.
You see, before reaching the big fucking jam, I already had the urge to pee. (you can see where this is going) It wasn’t a strong one, but just a small urge that makes you think you can hold for another 30 mins or so. That was until I hit the fucking traffic, right before the tunnel. When we hadn’t moved for close to 20 minutes in the car, I immediately knew I was in deep shit. I started to calculate the time for me to be able to go to the nearest restroom, and the calculation didn’t look very good for me. But I held a glimmer a hope that the jam’s going to be a short one.
At approximately the 45th minute’s mark in the stagnant traffic, I started to develop this pain which can be best described as those ‘menstrual pain’ that you bitches encounter. I was holding my pee so bad, that my butt cheeks were clamped shut hard enough to develop butt fatigue, on top of the throbbing bladder muscle that felt like a cramp’s coming. I had to sit side ways to let the gravity take over the aching butt muscles and cramp. My concentration started to wane. I was beginning to look for a dark spot anywhere by the long lines of stationary cars by the highway that I could somehow hide-pee, but because it was night time and there were so many car headlights lighting up along the road, I eighty-sixed the wild idea. I even thought of sticking my dick out by the window to pee, but my daughter’s at the backseat and my dick’s not long enough to do that (dick has to be at least a foot long to be able to feasibly do that)
At approximately 1hr 15th minute’s mark in the jam, I started to cuss incessantly. Nothing made sense anymore. The menstrual pain was so bad, that I think my brain simply had shut off the pain signal and it was all numb. I was hitting at the steering erratically and was at the verge of exploding. I swear, that was the color went offline in my eyes, I started to see things in black and white. I couldn’t make any sense out of anything I heard (my wife were talking to me at some point). Then, I saw the bottle – the Tupperware ECO bottle (500ml version) that I had right beside me, and I looked at my wife, and I told her – “I have to fucking pee in this bottle or I’m gonna die”. I then opened the car door, emptied out the water from the bottle onto the tarmac, slid the seat back to its furthest extend, stretched out both my legs, stuck my dick into the bottle and pee’d. I had to request for my daughter’s cooperation to not look to the front, erase this horrifying incident from her memory, and not talk about this to anyone or anything.
It was the craziest feeling of rush I’d ever encountered. Fucking pee jetted out mad like a stream of pressurized water in a carwash, so damn strong that I could see foam forming like it’s some kind of German beer. Then came another predicament – the bottle was fast getting full and I couldn’t stop! (I was also worried at the same time that my dick would get stuck in the bottle like one of those perverts who had to go to the hospital to get it out) The highly pressured stream of urine prevented the flood gate from closing, I had to literally assist with a pinch, and a re-clench maneuver (the guys should know what I’m talking about) and while doing that, I had to empty the bottle out onto the tarmac as fucking fast as I could before the levee breaks (cue in Led Zeppelin guitar riff…)! And I repeated for 2 more goddamn times! (that’s about 1 liter plus of pee). When it was finally over, I had my pants half wet (it’s inevitable) and a fucking ruined Tupperware ECO bottle. The relief, however, was indescribable. It was like, being able to live again after being dead for years.
Fast forward 30 mins later, I ended up visiting the restroom again at a drive thru McDonald’s (that was after learning that my father in law had been discharged from the hospital, and there’s no point for us to be there anymore) to have another round of draining, and those were the pee that got backed up in my kidneys (and perhaps even before the kidneys) due to the fatal exception error thrown by the failing bladder. In all, I must have pee’d close to 2 liters of urine that could have possibly gone out the other way. It was fucking insane. Definitely one of the craziest experience I’ve ever encountered in my life…
*The Tupperware ECO bottle, was discarded into the trashcan right outside the fast food restaurant. I sure hope no one would pick it up to use as a drinking bottle…