October 5, 2015


I saw a movie not long ago, featuring Andy Lau looking for his missing (abducted) son. It was an alright movie I guess, although it felt little bit too superficial for me, but it made me recollect of something sad that had happened in my family many years ago. The person of interest, was my first cousin once removed who went missing and was never found.

Her name’s Sharon, and she was also my first tuition teacher. I liked her, not only because she’s hot as hell, but remembered her as a very nice person who was never angry at me despite being such a menace. Always with a smile, she was very likeable girl for everyone except my madcap sister, who bit her when during a sleepover many years prior (probably jealous of her beauty, I guess).

When she went missing, I was about 8 years old. She was in her late teens when it happened. She already started a part time modelling (yeah, she’s that hot) and an intern job then. One day, she left for that intern job like any normal day, and didn’t come home. Mobile phones were pretty much non-existent back then, so the dad (my grand uncle) frantically called up everyone he knew but no one had a clue where she could be. He went to her workplace and no one could offer any clue. It was as if she was vanished into the thin air right after leaving work. No ransom, no nothing. So they searched. And it went on for years.

I remembered the posters, the newspapers and the search to the edge of town over random tips from the public. I tagged along with my mom who organized her own search party and went to many places – amongst them, was this desperate attempt to trace her with a Malay bomoh, who did some ritualistic ‘searching’ through a ‘hot candle wax on a bucket of cold water’ portal. Didn’t work, of course. Years went by without any progress, and eventually, both her parents died and she remained missing. Whether she herself is still alive or had long gone from the realms of mortals, remains unknown. If she’s still alive, she must be in her late 40’s by now, probably look misshapen like a whale but most likely still retains her bubbly personality. If she’s dead, then no one will be able to visit her grave, because she has none… and that has got to be the saddest thing ever.

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September 17, 2015

zoned out

I mastered this very special skill called ‘zoning out’ since I was very little. You see, my late mom screamed at me a lot when I was a kid. Whenever my mom yelled/screamed/nagged, I’d ‘zone out’. It’s a great skill to have when there’s a need – eg. protection against nagging, boring meetings, uninteresting long stories from manager/drunkard friend… etc.

So, what is a ‘zone out’? It’s the ability to shutoff all input signals from your eyes/ears into your brain while you’re in a situation. Not a difficult thing to learn (most guys have their own way of doing this), but the key trick is to not look like you’re zoning out (this is where most people fail). I can do a pretty convincing look of being attentive while zoning out.

Yesterday, I was dispensing some fatherly advice to my 9 year old daughter Regine, when I suspected her zoning out on me. I suspected that because I did a checksum on her to repeat what I had said and she struggled. That was when I realize that she have attained this superpower of zoning out. I was thinking, could this have passed down from me? Or did she evolve from the tree on her own branch? And then I started to think about all the skills that she could have possibly inherited from me… and that was when I realized that this is not going to get any better for me…

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September 15, 2015

Malaysia, the 58 year old douchebag

Read this

Display screens to counter allegations against Govt
KUALA LUMPUR: A network of display screens will be put up in public areas nationwide to counter allegations made against the Government, said Deputy Communications and Multimedia Minister Datuk Jailani Johari.

“For a start, this will be carried out in Kuala Lumpur through the Info2U programme.

“Information in the programme will be projected on screens put up in public areas along public transport routes,” he told reporters after launching the Info2U programme here yesterday.

Jailani said the Info2U programme was a collaboration bet­ween several government departments and agencies.

Among them are the Information Department, Kuala Lumpur City Hall, the Land Public Transport Commission, Malaysian Resources Corporation Bhd and Prasarana Malaysia Bhd.

Jailani also said amendments to the Communications and Multi­media Act 1998 and the Commu­nications and Multimedia Commis­sion Act 1998 would be tabled in the Dewan Rakyat next month to address cyber crimes more effectively. — Bernama

This reminds me of North Korea. I mean, we’ve all along known that Malaysia has been somewhat a closet douchebag, spreading propaganda in the shadows through BTN or some other shit programs like that. But THIS… makes it to the whole new level and is an act of desperation.

What next? A PA system that can’t be turned off in all homes?

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September 2, 2015


Many common things that we see every day, remind me of how moronic the world has become. Amongst them, diet soda. That’s carbonated soft drink with less or synthetic sugar that’s supposed to be healthier or something. We also have vege-burger – burgers made of soy or some shit like that. And then there’s decaffeinated coffee. Coffee without caffeine. Let’s not even talk about those indie stuff like alcohol-free beer… and many more.

Lately, there’s this thing called e-cigarette (or better known as, vape) that takes the whole moronic cake, all by itself. People now, so to say, have a healthier option of puffing a ‘cigarette’ – by vaping (puffing e-cigarette). Just like those stupid diet coke or decaf coffee or alcohol free beer. They have a healthier option of a bad thing. Can you fucking believe that? That’s dumber than an animal spa and all those diet shit combined. The main argument I’d always throw is – if health’s your main concern, why don’t you just fucking quit smoking altogether?? Oh that’s right, smoking makes one look cool. My bad.

I don’t entirely know how that fucking vape works, but it does have smoke… though not from an actual fire. It produces this fake synthetic smoke that smells like the kind of enigmatic techno-smog emitted from the smoke machine in discotheques back in the 90’s. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery, and it looks like a cross between a Tektronix oscilloscope active probe and a vibrator. Some look small/plain, some has LEDs on them (depending on models/makes) and some even have colored 7 segment display to pimp up the look (numbers indicating the douchebaggery level perhaps? LOL). The puffer just need to add a canister of ‘flavor’, like fruits… flowers… seafood… it’s pretty gay really (with added variable % of chemical nicotine, the addictive ingredient inside a typical cigarette) and puff away the fake smoke. People claim that it has like, 99% less harmful elements that a fucking cigarette has – hence the ‘healthier choice’. Depending on models, a vaping device can be expensive from a few hundred bucks to the price of a third world child’s kidney.

The thing is, this vape device doesn’t even look cool. I mean, come on, LEDs and shit? That’s stupid. Part of the charm of smoking, has always being able to flick the ash and litter the butts. The glowing hot ember of its burning tip, can be used to torch a house, or torture-burn a prisoner (depending on your cool angle). The lighter to light a cigarette can be an art as well (see Zippo, etc). Ask yourself, how many movies have featured the hero with an awesome flip lighter and an explosion afterwards? The form of the cigarette smoke wafting in the air is tranquil and almost poetic (not as thick and coarse as a vape smoke – which looks more like steam than smoke). Film noir wouldn’t look as fabulous without cigarettes. It has been sung in songs by modern bards, and drawn in masterpieces by skillful artists. It’s the tobacco, tar, nicotine and carcinogen that gives it the distinct character of badassery. You get banned from public places, you get cancer in your blackened lungs and your goddamn throat / halitosis mouth. But that’s part of the package and that’s what make it so special. (I’m a non-smoker and never was, but I totally get it).

Now why would anyone think that puffing on an electronically produced smoke would be any better, or for that matter, healthier, than a fucking cigarette? Escapes me. Either you’re a smoker (courting danger/risk, badass reputation, cancerous) or you’re not (dan lain-lain). If you’re a vaper, you’re just a poser. Fake. Wannabe. Hippy. Pussy. And you’re nothing.

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August 17, 2015


I was at McDonald’s. My daughter wanted a Happy Meal with Filet-O-Fish. So I ordered one.

Me: “Happy Meal with Filet-O-Fish”.

The guy at the counter with a lisp and heavy Malay accent, then asked me this…

Lispy guy: “Mehfis?”

Me: “I’m sorry, come again?”

Lispy guy: “Mehfis?” [smiles]

Me: “Errm, can you repeat that again?”

Lispy guy: “Mehfis. Mehfis?” [smiles]

Me: “You said ‘mehfis’?”

Lispy guy: “Yes, mehfis. Do you mean mehfis?”

Me: “I’m sorry bang, I tak faham apa tu mehfis. Boleh explain tak?” [translation: I'm sorry bro, I don't know what is a 'mehfis', do you care to explain a bit?]

Then that fucker walked under the lighted display board menu, and pointed to an item called “McFish”. I then went:


Happy Meal doesn’t come with Filet-O-Fish anymore, it comes with McFish now. I have not heard of a McFish before, or know the difference between that thing and a Filet-O-Fish. The only fish burger I know is Filet-O-Fish. I didn’t make a fuss about it since they’re all the same crap anyway, so I okay-ed him to put a ‘Mehfis’ into my kid’s goddamn Happy Meal.

Later when my kid got her ‘Mehfis’, I kinda opened up the burger to check it out – it appears that the difference is only missing a dollop of tartar sauce or mayo, and some greens – it’s essentially just a shittier version of the already shitty Filet-O-Fish. Mehfis, ladies and gentlemen.

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