April 1, 2014

gameshow

I was at a relative’s house watching a TV game show from China called ‘Leh Mah Cheebye’ (alright, I made the name up). I don’t know the title really, but it might be as well as that… because it’s the most fucking bizarre game show I’ve ever seen (I had no choice but watch it because I was staying overnight there with nothing to do, and it’s the only thing on TV).

This ‘Leh Mah Cheebye’ gameshow, is not about one’s maternal cunt at all. It’s about matchmaking. Well, more or fucking less the same thing, I’m not sure. Here’s how it works : Some girls would register themselves as prospective ‘pursuer’ (as in, the party who is pursuing a mate), and some guy would be the party to be pursued (it’s kinda inversed, I know… right?). What happens in the game show, is that a guy (one at a time) would come out onto the stage to be gawked at by them bunch of desperate girls. The girls will get no information about the guy at all except his physical appearance. Interested girls, will press a button (or some shit like that), and the rest will be filtered off. That’s round 1.

Round 2, more information about the guy will be revealed. His hobby for example… One of the guy I saw, had this hobby of ‘shopping for branded items, and keeping himself up to trend’. The video would then cue to show a pre-recorded session of the very same shmuck walking into a shop looking for sneakers with a faked gait like he’s trying his best to impress the whole world… it has got to be the dumbest shit I tell you! And of course, for some weird fucking reasons, some of the girls will be gullible enough to press a button to like him, and that will bring the interested girls to the next round. Some of the rounds, will have the guy’s friends giving testimonies like “He’s a fun going person, and he likes to help old people cross the street” (fakest stuff imaginable) and another round, will show the guy’s pad (tidied up for the show, of course). So the damn thing would go round after round, featuring the guy little by little, all bullshit of course – until the final round (I have no idea which) with a handful (or none) of the girls left, which the guy will then have to make a ‘tough choice’ of selecting the girl he likes most, and both of them will walk off the stage to a happy ending (or a round of try and error sex). If there’s no girl left, the guy will have to fuck off from the stage and commence his jerk off days.

I was thinking, isn’t this like, a hooker game? You know, short of paying a fee to the guy and not having to know him, this is nothing different than selecting a gigolo. Only that this is worse, they’re actually doing it for a real relationship! These desperate ladies or spinsters, who participate in the game show, aren’t they worried about friends or relatives recognizing them and use this as a bad joke for the rest of their lives? What happened to the old school method of having to court your way into the girl’s (in this case, guy’s) heart? Fucking hell. It’s now a fucking game to some people in China. I sure hope that the show isn’t real, perhaps staged like pro-wrestling or something…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
March 19, 2014

Non-debatable point

Adik-adik sekalian. Today, Uncle Michael would like to teach you this useful phrase – ‘Non-debatable point’.

Now… what is a ‘non-debatable point’? A ‘non-debatable point’ is an argument or opinion that you have (in a discussion, argument or debate), that is hands down gonna win everything there is in the discussion/argument/debate. It’s non-debatable. Anyone who attempts to debate about it (the ‘non-debatable point’) will look/sound downright stupid(der) than he/she already is for being in the discussion in the first place.

Do note that a ‘non-debatable point’ doesn’t have to be a truth, it can be a lie. It’s just so fucking awesome that it’s non-debatable.

Let me quote you an example of a ‘non-debatable point’ with a truth – this is a true story that happened at my workplace:

A few managers called for a meeting to sync up with some rules that they didn’t like getting violated by the engineers. One of the concerns raised, was this habit of keeping ICs (integrated circuits) in personal office drawers. That is not allowed according to rule book number XXVII Chapter Twelve point Seven. The correct way to store those ICs is – in a special storage cabinet (that looked – oddly – like a niche for a dead person’s cremated remains). Now the problem is, there isn’t any special storage cabinet provided to the engineers, i.e. the engineers would have no such option of storing the ICs into the said special storage cabinet. If this were to be expressed actively by a person, it would sound like this “How the fuck do I store my ICs into a special storage cabinet if I don’t have one?? Are you fucking stupid or something??”. So, basically those managers are talking about doing something with a non-existent object, and this sorta made the whole discussion a non-value added event. So the appropriate respond to this would be to repeat this – “Hello guys, there isn’t a special storage cabinet provided to us” – for every sentence spoken about the topic. It will be automatically understood as a non-debatable point.

Example of a ‘non-debatable point’ with a lie – Your pregnant wife asking you to buy a pack of spicy noodles in the middle of the night else she’ll starve to death. It’s obviously a lie, because she ain’t gonna die over a pack of noodles. But that’s a ‘non-debatable point’ because you are in no position to argue that point. The outrageous lie is said to illustrate how dire the consequences would be if she doesn’t get what she wants. You can bitch about it, but you still need to buy her a pack of fucking noodles. It’s a ‘non-debatable point’.

Learn how to spot it, and use it to your advantage, adik-adik.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
March 4, 2014

Melaka

What do you do when you wanted to go somewhere to unwind, but you’re too broke to go overseas? You fucking go somewhere local. That’s what I did about 2 months back, I went to Melaka – the historical Unesco city which can only be rivaled by Penang. The land where Parameswara rested under a Melaka tree and saw some mousedeers humping or something like that.

It has been years since I last went to Melaka. The last time I went there, it didn’t give me a good impression, albeit we had quite a romp at one of its clubs there. I wrote about seeing some odd bimbo wearing an extremely revealing attire exposing some taped nipples – check it out here. That was 9 years ago. This time, I went there again not with my crazy ass friends, but with my wife Emily and kid Regine for a short 1 day trip. The trip was meant for us to seek respite from our banal working life, and armed with some half assed googled information about the place, I drove all the way there in 1 sitting (it was damn exhausting but, well worth it).

The first thing that I felt when I entered Melaka, was how quaint the place is. Sure, there were traffic all around and shit… yes, but for some weird fucking reasons, it didn’t feel as hectic and rushed as what we would experience in KL or even Penang. The drive through the town was just so damn relaxing (maybe it was quite early in the morning, I don’t know). The place was exceptionally clean too. Throughout my trip there, I did not see a street littered with garbage and craps all around like Penang. It somewhat felt – for the first time ever in Malaysia – nice… Gotta give it to the guy who runs the city. Penang has so much to learn from Melaka on this aspect…

Well, we got ourselves a hotel smack dab in the heritage area, and had a blast by just walking around taking pictures of some really old and nice buildings, and because it was quite cool / windy back in January, I didn’t even realize I had a sunburn from all the walking and under the sun. The foods there were great too, although not really comparable to Penang. Penang is full of spoilt for shit choices of junk and guilt laden hawker food, whereas Melaka’s greatness rests more on only a handful of specialties like durian cendol (which tasted like mediocre at best), chicken rice (which in my opinion, beats the crap out of the best stall in Penang) and the famous artery clogging ‘satay celup’ (didn’t get to try it due to the overwhelming crowd). Nice place, good food, fair amount of crowd, Melaka really stands out in this peninsula of nothingness. (for those of you really gay people out there, yes, Melaka has shitloads of murals and graffiti too, not my kind of shit though).

It was a pleasant 1 day trip for all of us AT THE CITY, and would’ve been a memorable one for the whole trip if not for that regrettable decision to go to ‘A-Famosa Animal Safari’ (or something like that). I thought it would be great for Regine, you know, after all… looking at old buildings wasn’t really fair to her. It was a big mistake. That place turned out to be a major shithole, everyone should fucking stay away from it like a plague. Sick animals, unbearable stench, filthy establishment, while charging exorbitant price for an entry… it’s a sad sad place. If you’re going to Melaka, just stay within the city and away from crappy places like this, and you’ll be alright.

michaelooi  | places  | Comments Off
February 19, 2014

save the environment

I was accompanying my wife to the ATM inside a hypermart the other day, when a smartly dressed lanky bloke who looked like junkie crossed with that Somalia pirate in ‘Captain Phillips’ approached me with an oversized writing board. On the board, was a sheet of paper full of signatures. Beaming a fake smile, the guy said to me:

“Good evening brother! Support the environment by signing your name here!” – and showed me that aforementioned paper full of signatures….

Now, I don’t know about you guys but, how the fuck do I save the environment by signing my name on a sheet of fucking paper?? Must be some kind of magic that I haven’t heard of. In fact, wouldn’t I be making the environment worse by using paper for those signatures?? Of course I know that the skinny shit stain was there to peddle some stupid product or scheme that latches around the concept of being green (WWF sticker book or some shit like that), and would probably chuck the sheet (or sheets) of signatures at the end of the day into a waste paper basket. Whatever the fuck he was doing there, environment was definitely not the motivation.

But the whole point of it is not about me giving a shit about what he wanted, but the concern of seeing so many gullible fucking stupid idiots that caved to that poser salesman’s horrible attempt to fake charms for a moment’s worth of attention… and actually went on to believe that they’d make a fucking difference by leaving a signature on that sheet of paper there. It shudders me to think that these are the bunch of morons cum idiots that I had to content with in this society and some of their lives are actually intersecting with mine at some point in time. This kinda reminded me of a video about some scientists introducing a pack of wolves at the Yellowstone national park that changed the whole food chain, which also changed the condition of the landscape into a more complete ecosystem, except that these bunch of idiots are tilting the effect at pretty much the opposite direction, and we’re gonna all fucking spiral into a black hole of sohainess (eg. we do not know if one of the signatures could belong to that teacher that is teaching at school… which in turn churn more idiots like her or those Earth Hour fucks and so on…). It’s not a very reassuring picture.

I stared at the guy with an annoyed look long enough for him to stop talking, and deftly flagged him off with a gesture that can only be interpreted as a ‘polite fuck off’. And fuck off he did with no repeated attempt to reengage the unpleasant situation.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
February 9, 2014

animal lover IV

Man… if I were to list down all the animals I’ve ever eaten here in this webspace, this page would look so ridiculously darn long that it’d get mistaken as an opposition government manifesto.

Anyways, the latest thing that got down my throat into my digestive system (hope this doesn’t sound obscene to some of you sick fucks out there…) is something called ‘Balut’. What the fuck is a ‘Balut’? Here’s a brief description I filched from Wikipedia to save me some explaining…

A balut or balot is a developing duck embryo that is boiled alive and eaten in the shell. It is commonly sold as streetfood in the Philippines. They are common food in countries in Southeast Asia, such as Laos (khai look ໄຂ່ລູກ in Lao), Cambodia (pong tia koon ពងទាកូន in Cambodian)[1] and Vietnam (trứng vịt lộn or hột vịt lộn in Vietnamese). They are often served with beer. The Filipino and Malay word balut (balot) means “wrapped”.

Sounds nasty eh? And it looks even more unbelievably nasty. Here’s the one that I ate (after I’ve de-shelled it and sucked its ‘broth’ dry) :

balut

The damn thing looked like the gonad of an animal turned inside out with its testes mashed to smithereens… The first look of it, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to eat it. I mean, there had to be some feathers, bones, beak and whatnots in it – how does one eat it like that? But my Filipino colleague (who brought us the Baluts) insisted that we shouldn’t waste those Baluts and just fucking eat it already (which to them, is a delicacy).

So I did what I did, out of respect – I first sucked the ‘broth’ (boiling water that got seemed into the egg during the boiling process and turned into somekind of duck embryo soup), which I admit, was pretty damn good – and then I ate the Balut with a little bit of salt to the taste (see the nasty picture up there? That one). The texture was like a hardened liver (overboiled) of an animal’s, and there’s only one piece of small thigh bone that I managed to pick out from the half chewed remains, no feathers or beak (at least not hard enough to be discernible). I just chewed everything in and wolfed it down. And you know what? It was actually quite nice. It tasted a lot like eating the chicken meat off a Chinese herbal soup, in spite of the strange texture.

Hell, I thought it was quite good that I took another one. But that was about it, because that was when the feeling of ‘jelak’ started to set in. My Filipino colleague claimed that back in his hometown, the people would hoover one after another Baluts in a casual drinking event (like what peanuts and kuacis would be to us), and they would have as much as 8 Baluts in one sitting! I don’t know, but I don’t think I could even eat 8 normal eggs in one sitting, let alone 8 with embryos in them! Anyway, I experienced a lingering after taste right through the night, which reminded me of the time I had too much stinking toufu in Hong Kong. So I guess this Balut thing is nice in moderation, but extreme nastiness when eaten in quantity. Maybe the Filipinos could eat that much of them because of the beer, as the alcohol dulls the taste in their mouth and out of their addled mind, I don’t know.

Might make a good gift for your in laws, if they’re into surprises…

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off