February 1, 2016

titties

I was hanging out with both my wife and daughter at the bedroom, swiping something on the phone, when I heard my daughter ask:

Regine: “Mommy, what is ‘titties’?”

Before my wife could answer, I was already laughing like a jackass, while wondering where the hell could she have heard such words being used in school. Must be one of the goddamn TV shows. Anyways, it was funny in a way it was being asked, so I laughed.

Regine: “Why are you laughing daddy?”

I wanted to tell her that ‘titties’ is another slang to describe ‘boobies’, which itself is also a slang, but I just couldn’t think of a way to do it with no harm done. That was when my wife remarked:

Emily: “He’s laughing because he must have thought of something dirty…”

Me: “Eh?”

I later found out that my daughter wanted to know what does ‘titis’ mean in BeeEm (which means ‘drip’), not ‘titties’ in English. It was fortunate I didn’t take the trouble to describe what are ‘titties’ to her…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
January 29, 2016

why you no respond to emails!?

One of the biggest pet peeves about working in the corporate world is having to deal with assholes who don’t reply to work emails.

I wonder what the fuck’s up with that? An email is a form of communication, just like what you do with your voice. Do you fucking look back and stay silent like you’re square when a colleague asks you a work question face-to-face? You must be retarded if that’s a yes. That kind of behavior (of not responding) is often perceived as a conceited behavior the social decorum. It’s generally rude to ignore people. Doing it in email communications is no different, as it is just another form of (often) formal communication. How hard it is to just hit a reply button and type a short response? Beats me.

Some of my colleagues remarked that it could be due to prioritization. You know, the intended recipient could be working on something more important and therefore, does not have time for the bullshit. Well then, do you fucking ignore your mom when you’re asked to clean up the room when you’re jerking off in the toilet!? Your mom would break down the door thinking you must be in trouble and only to catch you with a dick in your hand. The key idea is COMMUNICATION! Just fucking reply with a note about something. You’re working on something else and no bandwidth? You could have said so!

Alas, people would just be a dick about it and won’t reply to work emails. It’s annoying and it impedes productivity.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
January 27, 2016

what have you signed up for…

One of my colleagues is going to be a father soon, for the first time. Naturally, as a seasoned parent, I obliged myself to offer him some pragmatic advice in our daily coffee break chats in hope that he doesn’t get frantic when the baby comes. In my younger days, I’d have appreciated if some jerk offs told me these non-sugar-coated grim realities so, I thought… why the hell not I be the jerk off to offer these advice to the society instead? Maybe this could help to reduce the future traffic jams or even world congestion… in some ways. So, aspiring parents, thank me in your thoughts and read this already:

Lack of sleep
You should totally expect of this. Babies have really messed up biological clock, they wake up at odd hours in the middle of the night for all kinds of reasons – inclement room temperature, hunger, shit in diaper, hell they’d wake when they hear clocks tick. You will not have the luxury of a good night’s sleep, especially during the first month when your wife is still recovering from the stitches. You’ll be the runner and problem solver, 24/7. You can say goodbye to your usual sleeping schedule.
How to prepare for this: To get yourself ready for this, you can start flexing your biological clock by halving your daily sleep hours. Example, if you’re currently having an 8 hour sleep, try to do 4 hours now. Let your body adjust to this.

Stress
When the baby wakes up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night, you’d be under tremendous pressure to find out what’s wrong and do something about it lest the baby wakes the whole house. The problem with this is, the baby is not capable to communicate to you what it wants except by crying, so you’ll have to find out yourself by guessing in that groggy state of mind. I tell you, it’s not an easy thing to do. Most people is incapable to even hold a proper conversation in that state, let alone to troubleshoot a baby’s need.
How to prepare for this: Get your wife to scream at you for a random problem in the middle of the night, then have you go through a series of trial-and-error exercise to get to the problem. With ample practice, you should be able to work your differentiation diagnosis pretty quickly.

Accidents with harmless objects
Feeding a baby when you’re crudely awaken from a deep sleep requires a strong psyche, for you will be required to possess the composure to carefully navigate that little bawling turd’s mouth to the lactating teat of your wife’s. It’s easy when you’re all sober and that, but not when you’re groggy. It is like trying to dock a space craft in zero gravity under the influence of alcohol to the international space station – IN THE DARK. Harmless objects like bed stands or wardrobe could spell disaster to unprotected limbs/toes/head. It could be worse if you’re going for bottle feeding and have to deal with hot water. It’s very hard to mix the right amount of formula with the right water temperature when you’re groggy. Accidental scalding is a common injury for noob fathers (like me).
How to prepare for this: You know those wire loop game which you run a metal loop through a roller coaster like wire track? Those that would electrocute the person holding the metal loop if it touches the wire track? Have your – again – wife, to wake you up at random sleeping hours to play this game to hone your dexterity and improve your motor memory. Alternately, you can practice this while intoxicated, it’ll have the same effect.

Biohazard exposure
Babies are filthy people. They puke, poo, pee and fart in their bed – and they don’t feel shame of it at all. You’ll have to deal with the baby’s bodily waste and there’s a high chance that these toxic wastes will come in contact with your bare skin during your interaction. If you have a really weak heart for creamy stink-to-high-heaven baby excrement or stale puke that smells like rotten milk, then you’re in for a tough ride. Changing a diaper and cleaning up puke from the bed were the most traumatic experience ever for me. It’s really a mystery how a little person can produce such a nasty smelling retch inducing wastes with just goddamn milk. This will be the time that the expression “I didn’t sign up for this!!” get tossed in your mind a lot and really messes you up psychologically.
How to prepare for this: A couple of ways to do this – short term, you can MacGyver a piece of respiratory face mask, and add some medicated oil (minyak angin) near where you breathe. Caution: dire consequences if minyak angin comes in contact with baby’s puckering asshole. Long term – get friendly with the local garbagemen when they come by with a garbage truck. Chat with them next to the truck, soak yourself in with the nasty smell and stretch your olfactory organ a bit. Get used to nasty smells, you’ll be alright.

Social problems
You only have a finite amount of time given per day. When you have a baby, most of the time will be given to that baby, and you’re not going to get additional compensated hours back for that. Ergo, you can say goodbye to socializing with friends, hobbies (won’t be able to concentrate anyway), night life and colleagues. It’s like a permanent solar eclipse that blocks out everything that use to be touched by the sun. You’ll be out of touch and started to adopt quirky behaviors like, inclination to spot brown stuff lying around the house, or whiffing around for troubles. You’ll be sensitive to the sight of strangers, and you’ll be constantly looking for discounts in pharmacies (don’t ask me why). Staying at home is now the new joy, going out becomes the peril. There’s no recovery, your life will be permanently changed.
How to prepare for this: Fuck man, this can’t be helped.


I think I should stop…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
January 19, 2016

fire risk at petrol station

I have this habit of recording my fuel consumption whenever I start a new tank of gas/petrol with my car. Usually, I’d just whip out my cellphone at the pump to record the stats right there and then with an Evernote app and then I’d put my phone away. But today, my actions drew some uncanny reactions from a couple of old farts in a white MyVi at the pump behind my car.

The driver, who looked like some old hunchback dentist, was glowering at me like I was the perpetrator who stole his wife’s XXXL underwear or something. I wasn’t sure initially if he was actually targeting me but my suspicion was later confirmed when his fellow old fart passenger – who looked like an old pedophile priest – pointed at me and was mumbling something to that hunchback dentist in the car *inaudible dialog*. I immediately became uncomfortable of course at the bordering rude theatrics, and gestured back to the 2 gents with some hand signals while lip syncing –> ‘What the the fuck are you looking at??’ (I’m not fond of old people, so I didn’t hold back from expressing my thoughts)

Pedophile priest then lifted up his antique cellphone (with buttons) and pointed at it – to indicate that he’s/they’re not happy with me swiping my cell phone at the pump (this must be the root of the age old urban legend belief that cellphones may cause fire at gas/petrol pumps). You can imagine that this is the same scenario that happened in Mos Eisley cantina in Star Wars episode IV, when Ponda Baba told Luke Skywalker in his unintelligible alien language at the bar that he doesn’t like him there, resulting his arm being hacked off with a lightsaber in an unfortunate turn of events that followed. My reaction? Unlike Luke, I gave them zero fucks. Of course, if given the permission to act freely without any consequence, I’d have opted to walk over to the MyVi and break off its side mirror in lieu of an arm as a trophy… Anyway, that’s not how the society works so, I went ahead with my business amidst the consternation of the 2 senior citizens with slightly elevated blood pressure.

Now back to the question – can a cellphone actually cause a fire at a gas/petrol station? Let’s fucking do this in an FAQ form for convenience’s sake.

So, can a cellphone cause fire at a gas station?
Fuck yes of course. Only if you short the battery contacts or do basically something stupid with your phone to cause a spark – like stabbing the battery pack with a metal knife (like this).

What if you use your phone normally?
Nuh uh. Not going to happen. You’re more likely to get a fire with a running engine than a fucking cellphone (my hypothesis – running rubber belt is like a Van der Graaf machine, spark plugs firing, car full of operating electronics/electrical doohickeys).

Well then, why do people keep saying cellphones cause fire at pumps?
Because they’re ill informed morons who also believe Microsoft is paying $1 to an orphanage everytime you share a post in your Facebook. You see, it takes a spark to ignite the gas/petrol fume to be able to start a fire. A phone is simply too lame to do that. You know what’s the major cause of fires? Static electricity.

What is static electricity?
Fucking google it you cheebye.

How does static electricity causes a fire?
When the static electricity discharges to a ground point or lower potential point through the air barrier, a spark is created (same principle that causes lightning) and MIGHT ignite the fume to start a fire. Your phone doesn’t do jackshit to make you gain charge.

How’d this normally happen?
When you move around, you pick up static electricity. When you’re charged and happens to touch a ground point near the refueling nozzle, there’s a chance that it might cause a spark, and therefore, might ignite the fume. That’s why gas/petrol stations are required to follow strict protocols to ground their pumps and shit.

How can I avoid this?
If you must ask, stay the fuck away from gas/petrol stations. If you must go anyway, just keep your bare hands in constant contact of your car body or the metal part of the pump console, BEFORE you fucking pump the gas/petrol. Stay at least a couple of feet away from the fueling point – away from the fume (besides being combustible, it is also carcinogenic – causes cancer), while maintaining constant contact with the car body/pump console. Refrain from walking around.

Do you have proof for this?
I don’t. But there are shitloads of research done and all you need to do is do some reading. Also, this is a busted myth by the Mythbusters – check the short video out here.

To the 2 old men glowering at me today, you know they’re saying that cellphones are bad for the brain, because it literally microwaves your head and causes brain damage. I wonder why you guys didn’t choose to believe in that as well?. Is it because you’re being a selective moron? That must be what you are.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, experiences  | Comments Off
January 18, 2016

starving uni kids

Recently, there have been news about many Malaysian students starving at local universities, because they’re too poor to afford food. You can find shitloads of articles and sharings around the social medias, I’m sure you guys have come across those info.

To me, it is ridiculous to say one is ‘too poor to afford food’, especially when you’ve gone to the level of attempting to attain a tertiary education. If that’s really happening (starvation because of money problems), then it could only mean one thing – you’re too fucking lazy to live. (also being a whiny bitch)

You see, you get educated at the tertiary level to enhance your knowledge. And that’s suppose to increase your chances to land a job or a career of your choosing… so that you can, hopefully, making money while enjoying doing something you like and continue to live/buy food to survive (success is secondary, believe me). But it’s not a guarantee that completing your tertiary education means you’d even get a job. Most people end up doing things they didn’t study for and earn not enough for that. Bad news here is, if your expectations have been wrong, your degree is not a guarantee for you to get a job. It’s just a paper proof that you have studied for something – that’s where you draw the line (you use that knowledge to market yourself for a job).

So, in that attempt to gain that knowledge, you starve. It means, you have forgone the fundamental key of survival – that is, to source for food to survive – in your quest to get knowledge. In that case, what’s the point of gaining that knowledge or get that paper proof? What’s the use if you can’t even find food to survive? In the the caveman days, you’d be long dead if you’re lazy. Why bother to study if you’re lazy or useless like this? Like I said, it’s ridiculous.

Back in my days, when I can’t afford to not work and study, I had to work full time and did my engineering part time. It was a time without internet, and I didn’t know there’s such thing as a study loan – because none of my parents completed tertiary education or knew shit. I didn’t go to uni because I didn’t get a credit for BeeEm because of an accident (long story), so I had to go for a part time study at private college, which was expensive and it had to be out from the pocket (silly me, could have taken a loan and skipped paying like my frieds $%^&*#). By doing a full time job and a part time study, I could afford enough money to pay for my semester fees (my parents paid partial, I paid the other half) to do my engineering.

And I never starved. I ate curry rice (white rice with shitloads of curry) with some okra beans for the first 2 years everyday when my wage was barely enough (400 bucks per month, no overtime), and my meals gradually improved when I changed to a higher paying job with shitloads of overtime halfway through the engineering (that was Company X). That was when I had to work from 7am to 7pm (with overtime in), and attended engineering classes from 7pm – 10pm every Mon, Wed, Fri. And I had to attend full day classes during the weekends. I did it with no loan, no starving and no bitching.

To top off with that, I scored 2 promotions and was already an associate engineer before I got my diploma. And I could afford to went on dates too. Went for a couple of vacations from my excessive overtime money as well. My life was tough but I still managed to pay rents with a little less sleep + hardwork (less sleep because I was addicted to gaming at the same time). It was taxing and tiring, no doubt, but hey… if you’re not prepared to work hard for it, then you already lost. Just like this bunch of starving whiny uni kids.

Go get a job and re-evaluate your priorities, you cheebyes…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off