March 3, 2015

computing power for retarded cause

Everyone must have read the trivia about how smartphones today have a few x’s computing power than those they used to send some rockets to the goddamn moon, or some shit like that.

Aaaaaand… with so much computing power on our hands (literally), we could have invented teleportation or discovered a cure for bigfoot… but, no. What do we do with them? Fucking selfies. Just like that girl I saw in Sushi King.

She must be about 15 years young, was there with a mom and a little turd whom I presumed must be her brother. I started to notice her by accident, because I thought she was smiling at me through my peripheral vision and thought she wanted the D (a twisted assumption, but it was unintentional). But it turned out that she was actually looking at her phone and doing some retarded selfies.

Her mom and bro were whacking away the food, but she’d continue to camwhore with several hundreds of angles of different impressions of brain damage effects through her whorish facial expression. She’d tilt her head, grimace with different surface area of teeth / no teeth showing, there was once she even flopped her hair down ala The Ring ghost, totally oblivious to anyone who’d gawk at her. When she was done with all that she had to do, she toggled back to the real world with her mom/bro, with an expression of a typically teenage annoyed-somebody-has-fucked-my-shit-sulky-look – and that was her real face. I was peeking at her bizarre shit antics and was secretly hoping that her hair would get caught on the moving Sushi King conveyor belt and scalped her bald or something. I’d have then sailed across the aisle to lend a helping kick by administering a few stomps to her face.

I couldn’t help but felt bad for her mom or bro, but I could see that they were too indifferent to give any crap about her, and they chose mind the food instead, as if there’s nothing wrong with her or she’s not fucking there. Come think of it, they’re probably inured to everything there is about her, just like how people chose to turn a blind eye to the fact that their pet dogs eat their own excrement and pretend that they’re clean animals, out of sheer love.

And I then looked at my young daughter… what’d I do if she turns to be like that? I’d still love her unconditionally, no shit. I’d definitely be embarrassed, and there’s not a single shit I can do about to prevent that, but to only hope that this senseless fad will die soon, just like those thick shoulder pads of the 80’s and green faded tattoo eyebrows of the 90’s… (and the society will move on to something less fucked up).

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
February 6, 2015

hawkers

It is a known fact that Penang bears this reputation as a ‘food paradise’, known for its vast variety of unique food options sold at economic price. That’s why we have so many people from all over the country (and foreigners as well) hunting for food here. Over the years, these stall business owners (or commonly known as ‘hawkers’) prospered in Penang, especially with the advent of social networking sites like Facebook which give them free publicity over the click of a button. These hawkers, spoiled by the windfall and all the fame/attention, started to get cocky, and that’s what I wanna talk about today.

You see, when we wage earners work, we are all fucking bound by this tacit code of conduct – to be professional in your line of work. Doesn’t matter what you are. Chances are, if you have a sloppy attitude, you’re more likely to get reprimanded by your boss and lose that much out in your bid to survive. In modern time like this, where everything in the market is so goddamn saturated, having a good / professional attitude goes a long way in any line of career. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a cruel world, only the bests win.

But not these fucked up hawkers, because of you people. You see, shit used to be good here. But not anymore. You know why? Because they’re not bound by these rules of survival anymore because of all the unfair attention. Hell, they’d get business all around the year anyway, why should they be courteous to every customer they see? I’ve encountered shitloads of such hawkers in Penang. Rude and cocky to the very bone. One of the most popular treatment they give, is to ignore the patron when an order is made. Then the patron will have to repeat again and again to ensure the order gets acknowledged (which literally looks like one is begging for food from that hawker), and more often than not, the patron ends up getting yelled at for being such an annoyance for repeating too many times. One of the many things they’d do, I’m sure there are worse.

Ask yourself, why would you patronize such an outlet/hawker stall? My plead to you guys is, please, walk away if you see such a hawker. There is no food good enough in this world that makes it worth to get a shitty treatment like this. Have some self esteem, don’t stoop to their level and feed their ass off this bullshit. Remember that. For me, when I encounter such a shitbag hawker, I’ll just tell them to “Forget it, I’ll fucking go to another stall”, and I’ll write something nasty about it in Foursquare. When enough of you people do something like this, I’m sure it’ll make a difference, and these cocky, rude, son of a bitch hawkers will learn the lesson of humility and shit will literally get better. Give the business to those who deserve it (there are some great hawkers out there with less famous but better food/treatment – you just have to look). And this – of course – applies not only to Penang. Can be any-fucking-where.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
January 21, 2015

most awesome instant noodle

You guys have probably heard of some bold claim about how good that MyKuali Penang White Curry Mee is… that it has even won some awards or something like that… and some even claimed that it’s the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world! (this has somewhat propelled the local brand to international fame, and everyone wants a piece of it).

I think it’s a load of crap. Not only it tastes nothing like the real shit, but it definitely isn’t the ‘best and dopiest’ instant noodle in the world (it’s still far from it) – if one has to be that reckless to make such bold claim of it ruling over every variety there is in the realms of instant noodles. In fact, if you were to pitch that MyKuali to strictly with ‘Curry’ flavor, it’s still doesn’t make the cut as the best in its class.

So, what the fuck? If I get to pick, the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world has to be Cintan’s Asam Laksa (blue color) flavored instant noodle. Bear in mind, it has to be Cintan’s brand only. There are other clones out there made by Maggi or Mamee or some other wannabe’s but trust me, you do not want to try those. Get only Cintan’s Asam Laksa.

Now why do I think it’s the best in the world?
– It’s spicy. It isn’t burning hot kind of spicy per se, but just at the right amount of hotness. It’s perfection in its most modest form.
– It’s good. The whole thing just tastes delectable, with a little hint of aromatic fish taste in it. Words can’t describe its taste but, one has got to fucking try it to believe it.
– It’s fast. Cintan makes great springy noodles. Takes only 2.5 mins to cook the shit in the microwave with 360ml of water. Let it sit for 1 min, you’re good to go. MyKuali takes decades to cook and never soft/springy enough.
– It’s simple. There’s just a soup base pack, and you pour that thing in after you cook the noodle and it is magic. It’s as instant as an instant noodle should. I just hate those pretentious instant noodles with a few packs of soup base and oil and something that are just too fucking messy and complex, not to mention generates more trash.
– It’s clean. On top of simplicity in packing the soup base, one of the most important thing is the aftermath. I just fucking loathe seeing thick grease stain in my bowl after I’ve slurped the thing dry. Too messy to clean up. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves no grease, you can fucking flush it with just water and toss the thing in the dish rack.
– It’s addictive. A good instant noodles leaves you wanting for more. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves me wanting for more like no other. *say it with Smeagol’s voice like how James Franco did it.
– It’s rejuvenating. I’d whack one when I get a hangover. I’d whack one if I’m too grossed out with dairy food (it neutralizes my tastebuds). I’d whack one if I have a coffee sickness (too much coffee syndrome). I’d whack one if I have insomnia. I’d whack one if I have food rage after smelling my neighbor’s aromatic curry and would still be satisfied with it. Hell I’d whack one if I have a goddamn sore throat!
– It’s ubiquitous. You can buy this anywhere, and it won’t run out of stock.
– It’s cheap. It’s so cheap, I don’t even know how much it costs. I’d tuck one or two packs of fives in my cart when I have the space. Been replenishing it since I was 17.

If one has to see it, it’s the one circled in red. Try it, you’d wet your pants. (don’t get other flavors, just the blue one)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
January 12, 2015

actually…

‘Actually’.
[ak-choo-uh-lee]

adverb
1. as an actual fact; really
(as sentence modifier): actually, I haven’t seen him
2. at present
3. (informal) a parenthetic filler used to add slight emphasis: I don’t know, actually

I don’t know if this is just me but, I think it’s one of the most (if not the most) overused word in the Malaysian society. Actually this, actually that. If you guys would spend some time to pay attention to your neighbors or office mates or even your friends speaking English – you’d bound to notice a lot of ‘actually’ in their speeches and it is in the range of ‘TOO OVERUSED’.

Recently, there has been a big group of temporary office dwellers from another dark region in Company T, which kinda ‘noisied’ up my office floor with unrestrained open conversation over active phone calls. From my desk in the office, I could hear the word ‘actually’ getting tossed simultaneously around like those spasm inducing drugs in an underground rave party.

These people, would use ‘actually’ as an emphasis to his/her own identity :
“My name is Jib. I am actually from the Customer Service and I am actually here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can actually ask my wife.”.

And they would use ‘actually’ in the beginning of each of their sentence, to assert confidence over his / her statement:
“Actually, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the actual time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, actually”. 

Or to paint an illusion of congeniality to disagree with someone:
“Actually we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is actually out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, actually.” 

Or just for the fucking heck of it:
“Actually, I think I actually get what you’re saying actually. I don’t actually have any objections but actually, actually”. 

Or just, simply, actually…
“Wooof actually woof” [if the dog can speak 'actually']

It was annoying the first couple of weeks, but after that, I started to mentally replacing this word with ‘fuck’ instead, and caught myself sniggering over meetings and at my desk on the resulting effects. They can be entertaining at times, here let me try it with the sentences above:

“My name is Jib. I am fucking from the Customer Service and I am fucking here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can fucking ask my wife”.

“Fuck, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the fucking time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, you fuck”.

“Fuck we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is fucking out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, fuck.”

“Fuck, I think I fucking get what you’re saying fuck. I don’t fucking have any objections but fuck, fuck”.

“Wooof fuck woof”

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
December 23, 2014

2014 roll up

Michael is an engineer who now works in Company T (and a father to an inquisitive 8 year old girl). He has been leading a few teams at Company T, and everyone is stoked to have such an awesome team lead at the helm. Everyone except one cocksucking loser which Michael had an unfortunate grouse with.

Sometime in the middle of the year, Michael was jolted from his daily world saving activities by an email from HR, and was prompted to attend an interview which Michael would describe as ‘very close to an uncomfortable interrogation’. Apparently, that dickwad team member who used to work in his team, not satisfied with the outcome of the first complaint to his manager (that was concluded to be a baseless complaint), made another official complaint to the HR before leaving. As a result of that, Michael got investigated for the second time in his Company T career over the same shit, and Michael had to give his statement like fucking broken record to the HR.

It was fortunate that the HR had the same finding about the case, and Michael was not charged with any crime. Loser on the other hand, had to be blacklisted from Company T. It’s going to be hard for that dickwad to return to this shithole to work ever again. Nevertheless, the whole episode kinda scarred Michael a little, for before that, he was eager to lead by example and wanted to inspire the younger generation to have better common sense (if not to attain better ability to overcome stupidity altogether)… but now, he constantly felt like needing to be left alone because he had lost hope with humanity after this grueling episode of encountering ungrateful little turds stabbing behind his nutsack.

As if this isn’t bad enough, Michael’s father in law’s health has been in the roller coaster status, and Michael has to drive 280 km every weekend back his wife’s hometown because the old man needed palliative care from a worsening kidneys function. And that basically spelled zero family weekend for him for the past half a year, and that pretty much had him in constant need of beer to alleviate his tension.

Nevertheless, all that didn’t totally ruin Michael’s shit a little. He chalked it up as part of trials and tribulations of life. What didn’t kill him, made him more mad. In 2015, he vowed to make a comeback at work to not be that nice to the little turds anymore. He’s going to squeeze them till they turn purple with an iron fist and let Darwin’s theory of natural selection take its own course. And in this year, he’s going to save up some moolah to renovate his other house, because he’s tired of digging out money. It’s time for him to get his shit together, and rent out the fucking place to contra his monthly loss to the bank. And then he’s going to get a new watch. And possibly, even a cool bike. Eat less pizza. Get an MBA… perhaps.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off