January 21, 2015

most awesome instant noodle

You guys have probably heard of some bold claim about how good that MyKuali Penang White Curry Mee is… that it has even won some awards or something like that… and some even claimed that it’s the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world! (this has somewhat propelled the local brand to international fame, and everyone wants a piece of it).

I think it’s a load of crap. Not only it tastes nothing like the real shit, but it definitely isn’t the ‘best and dopiest’ instant noodle in the world (it’s still far from it) – if one has to be that reckless to make such bold claim of it ruling over every variety there is in the realms of instant noodles. In fact, if you were to pitch that MyKuali to strictly with ‘Curry’ flavor, it’s still doesn’t make the cut as the best in its class.

So, what the fuck? If I get to pick, the best and dopiest instant noodle in the world has to be Cintan’s Asam Laksa (blue color) flavored instant noodle. Bear in mind, it has to be Cintan’s brand only. There are other clones out there made by Maggi or Mamee or some other wannabe’s but trust me, you do not want to try those. Get only Cintan’s Asam Laksa.

Now why do I think it’s the best in the world?
– It’s spicy. It isn’t burning hot kind of spicy per se, but just at the right amount of hotness. It’s perfection in its most modest form.
– It’s good. The whole thing just tastes delectable, with a little hint of aromatic fish taste in it. Words can’t describe its taste but, one has got to fucking try it to believe it.
– It’s fast. Cintan makes great springy noodles. Takes only 2.5 mins to cook the shit in the microwave with 360ml of water. Let it sit for 1 min, you’re good to go. MyKuali takes decades to cook and never soft/springy enough.
– It’s simple. There’s just a soup base pack, and you pour that thing in after you cook the noodle and it is magic. It’s as instant as an instant noodle should. I just hate those pretentious instant noodles with a few packs of soup base and oil and something that are just too fucking messy and complex, not to mention generates more trash.
– It’s clean. On top of simplicity in packing the soup base, one of the most important thing is the aftermath. I just fucking loathe seeing thick grease stain in my bowl after I’ve slurped the thing dry. Too messy to clean up. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves no grease, you can fucking flush it with just water and toss the thing in the dish rack.
– It’s addictive. A good instant noodles leaves you wanting for more. Cintan Asam Laksa leaves me wanting for more like no other. *say it with Smeagol’s voice like how James Franco did it.
– It’s rejuvenating. I’d whack one when I get a hangover. I’d whack one if I’m too grossed out with dairy food (it neutralizes my tastebuds). I’d whack one if I have a coffee sickness (too much coffee syndrome). I’d whack one if I have insomnia. I’d whack one if I have food rage after smelling my neighbor’s aromatic curry and would still be satisfied with it. Hell I’d whack one if I have a goddamn sore throat!
– It’s ubiquitous. You can buy this anywhere, and it won’t run out of stock.
– It’s cheap. It’s so cheap, I don’t even know how much it costs. I’d tuck one or two packs of fives in my cart when I have the space. Been replenishing it since I was 17.

If one has to see it, it’s the one circled in red. Try it, you’d wet your pants. (don’t get other flavors, just the blue one)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
January 12, 2015

actually…

‘Actually’.
[ak-choo-uh-lee]

adverb
1. as an actual fact; really
(as sentence modifier): actually, I haven’t seen him
2. at present
3. (informal) a parenthetic filler used to add slight emphasis: I don’t know, actually

I don’t know if this is just me but, I think it’s one of the most (if not the most) overused word in the Malaysian society. Actually this, actually that. If you guys would spend some time to pay attention to your neighbors or office mates or even your friends speaking English – you’d bound to notice a lot of ‘actually’ in their speeches and it is in the range of ‘TOO OVERUSED’.

Recently, there has been a big group of temporary office dwellers from another dark region in Company T, which kinda ‘noisied’ up my office floor with unrestrained open conversation over active phone calls. From my desk in the office, I could hear the word ‘actually’ getting tossed simultaneously around like those spasm inducing drugs in an underground rave party.

These people, would use ‘actually’ as an emphasis to his/her own identity :
“My name is Jib. I am actually from the Customer Service and I am actually here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can actually ask my wife.”.

And they would use ‘actually’ in the beginning of each of their sentence, to assert confidence over his / her statement:
“Actually, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the actual time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, actually”. 

Or to paint an illusion of congeniality to disagree with someone:
“Actually we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is actually out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, actually.” 

Or just for the fucking heck of it:
“Actually, I think I actually get what you’re saying actually. I don’t actually have any objections but actually, actually”. 

Or just, simply, actually…
“Wooof actually woof” [if the dog can speak 'actually']

It was annoying the first couple of weeks, but after that, I started to mentally replacing this word with ‘fuck’ instead, and caught myself sniggering over meetings and at my desk on the resulting effects. They can be entertaining at times, here let me try it with the sentences above:

“My name is Jib. I am fucking from the Customer Service and I am fucking here to tell you if you don’t believe me, you can fucking ask my wife”.

“Fuck, my proposal would take less time to resolve the problem than the fucking time for you to cum over a hot steamy porn, you fuck”.

“Fuck we do not need to involve Customer Service, it is fucking out of their scope. We just need to focus on the problem, fuck.”

“Fuck, I think I fucking get what you’re saying fuck. I don’t fucking have any objections but fuck, fuck”.

“Wooof fuck woof”

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
December 23, 2014

2014 roll up

Michael is an engineer who now works in Company T (and a father to an inquisitive 8 year old girl). He has been leading a few teams at Company T, and everyone is stoked to have such an awesome team lead at the helm. Everyone except one cocksucking loser which Michael had an unfortunate grouse with.

Sometime in the middle of the year, Michael was jolted from his daily world saving activities by an email from HR, and was prompted to attend an interview which Michael would describe as ‘very close to an uncomfortable interrogation’. Apparently, that dickwad team member who used to work in his team, not satisfied with the outcome of the first complaint to his manager (that was concluded to be a baseless complaint), made another official complaint to the HR before leaving. As a result of that, Michael got investigated for the second time in his Company T career over the same shit, and Michael had to give his statement like fucking broken record to the HR.

It was fortunate that the HR had the same finding about the case, and Michael was not charged with any crime. Loser on the other hand, had to be blacklisted from Company T. It’s going to be hard for that dickwad to return to this shithole to work ever again. Nevertheless, the whole episode kinda scarred Michael a little, for before that, he was eager to lead by example and wanted to inspire the younger generation to have better common sense (if not to attain better ability to overcome stupidity altogether)… but now, he constantly felt like needing to be left alone because he had lost hope with humanity after this grueling episode of encountering ungrateful little turds stabbing behind his nutsack.

As if this isn’t bad enough, Michael’s father in law’s health has been in the roller coaster status, and Michael has to drive 280 km every weekend back his wife’s hometown because the old man needed palliative care from a worsening kidneys function. And that basically spelled zero family weekend for him for the past half a year, and that pretty much had him in constant need of beer to alleviate his tension.

Nevertheless, all that didn’t totally ruin Michael’s shit a little. He chalked it up as part of trials and tribulations of life. What didn’t kill him, made him more mad. In 2015, he vowed to make a comeback at work to not be that nice to the little turds anymore. He’s going to squeeze them till they turn purple with an iron fist and let Darwin’s theory of natural selection take its own course. And in this year, he’s going to save up some moolah to renovate his other house, because he’s tired of digging out money. It’s time for him to get his shit together, and rent out the fucking place to contra his monthly loss to the bank. And then he’s going to get a new watch. And possibly, even a cool bike. Eat less pizza. Get an MBA… perhaps.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
December 22, 2014

fake your mother

Stereotypical Chinese educated girls. Always striving to sound and look sophisticated. It is as if these people exists for the sole reason to not let people look down on them. They’d do anything to cancel out any negative perception on them. One of the most annoying of things they do – is to ‘fake-English-accent’ (as a verb, because I don’t know how to actually describe that) their Hokkien/Cantonese dialect. Pretty much like how the contemporary Malay girls would say “Keshahhh Chinnta antharaaa dua duniaaa”… you know, with the emphasis on the H and everything.

I don’t fucking understand. Why would these people think that it works on them? Fucking makes me feel like killing an innocent animal really. Why the fuck would these people fake-English-accent their native dialect?? WHYYYYYY!?

I’ve been getting this radiation from a couple of bitch new tenants in my cube lately. Every fucking day. Every awakening seconds. FUCKKK! They’d never stop chatting with these stupid faked-English-accented-Hokkien. Bhak-khut-theh. FUCCKCKKKKKKK!~!!!!

You know what I’m gonna fucking do?? I’m gonna start collecting dead roaches and I’m gonna stuff them one by one into their drawers through the gaps and I’m going to see how fake their English accent would sound when they yell like real bitches in the office!

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off

to the last privileged generation

We were visiting the aquarium at Ocean Park Hong Kong, and in the building, was this big area with a large glass screen overseeing an underwater view of the grand aquarium. In the grand aquarium, were shitloads of fishes of various sizes… and in the viewing area, shitloads of tourists of different nationalities (and sizes).

Amongst the crowd, one petite old Chinese lady stood out and was as excited as a 6 year old child in a toy store. What prompted me to notice her, was when she was standing right next to me and pointing at a seemingly ugly crustacean semi-hiding behind a fake rock, and she exclaimed excitedly in her heavily accented Mandarin “Hey! That’s the bugger we ate last time during the trip to XXXX!” (XXXX because I didn’t get the place). From what I reckoned, the lady must be in her 80’s, with a visible slouch and a walking cane – one can tell that she has seen everything and nothing surprises her anymore. But yet on that day, she was as happy as a lark because she had finally seen her ‘food alive’.

She then went around the area pointing at each and every of the sea creatures (excitedly) and exclaimed almost the same repetitive sentence every time she did that – “Hey! I ate this before! And that before!” To my amusement, I estimated that excited old lady must have eaten about half of the creatures in the aquarium, including some of the endangered sharks and giant manta rays. And for those that she had not eaten before, she’d go something like “I bet this bugger here tastes great by steaming it with some ginger…”

But sadly that day, no one would go near this old lady, especially the group of younger housewives who were with her (her daughters? relatives?). They’d ignore/avoid her like a plague. Not sure if they’re just not interested (they’re more into elbowing people and take selfies perhaps), or were they just plain embarrassed about the old lady’s behavior. Anyway, the old lady would have none of those setbacks dampen her spirit, for she’d continue to rock on calling dibs to them fishes she’d eaten before (sung to the tune of “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”). My hats off to the old lady… maybe to the last of the generation that would eat everything till they’re endangered. We’d never get that privilege again…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off