October 28, 2014

advantage of having deep pockets

Having deep pockets in your pants can be awesome.

1) You can easily keep your oversized phone or undersized tablet without bending it like that faggoty iPhone 6 ++.

2) Your coins can be easily slipped in, but harder to get out. Which is a good thing.

3) You can easily adjust your balls with your hand(s) in the deep pocket(s) without looking conspicuously like a perv.

4) Your partner(s) can use her hand(s) to cup your balls in the deep pocket(s) without looking conspicuously like a perv.

5) If you’re a tennis player, you can keep not just one, but two (or even three) tennis balls in one pocket. That means saving an extra trip to the bench.

6) If the pocket is really deep (like realllly), you can extend your hand(s) in the deep pocket(s) to scratch your taint/sphincter/other locations.

7) You can hide a small bottle of booze in the deep pocket for your boring lecture/seminar/meeting without looking conspicuously like a slob.

8) On a cold day, it can be a great place to warm your hands.

9) Or you can let your (attractive) female colleagues to warm their hands if they don’t have a deep pocket! *smile*

10) You can conceal a mystery surprise in the deep pocket (use your imagination!) and ask your (attractive) female colleagues to feel out the surprise!

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
October 13, 2014

what to look out when buying an apartment/condo – part 2

this is an addition to what I’ve already written in the previous list…what to look out when buying an apartment/condo

Several visits to a few friends’ new homes gave me a few additional small-but-crucial realizations on what a prospective urban dwelling buyer should look for before buying an apartment/condo…

Natural gas.
We need 2 things to survive – water and food. Water needs to be boiled and your food cooked. How do we do that? The cheapest (and most common) way is ‘Natural gas’. We (most of us) are needless to say, fucking dependent on natural gas. Unfortunately enough, we Malaysians do not have gas supply pipelines whooped into our homes. You all fucking know that. If you’re the kitchen guy, you should know that getting your gas supply means someone has to call up some gas guy to deliver those gas cylinders into the fucking house. It is a finite but replenishable supply, just like sugar. But hear this, not every place is in coverage by the gas guy (just like how not every place is covered by Domino’s – it’s about the location/cost). So what do you do? I guess you have to find out yourself if your new apartment/condo is in coverage. Scout around for a grocery store, or ask the neighbors. If it’s not in the coverage, then you’re in for a tough time to decide whether you fancy of having to haul ass to pick up a 14kg gas cylinder into your car and drag it up to your pad. On most days, I’d be pissed to haul ass to buy myself a pack of lunch, let alone lug a 14kg rusty gas cylinder. So it is entirely up to you…

Cell reception.
Ever encountered a colleague who can never be contacted after office hour? Odds are high that the colleague must be working double as a prostitute at night, or he/she has zero cell coverage in his home. Happens all the fucking time. Malaysia is striving to be a developed nation but believe it, there are still urban (nevermind non-urban) places with zero cell coverage (carrier dependent). Do you know how fucking annoying it is to have zero cell coverage? Just pull out your SIM card for a month, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll have to have a landline to be in the civilization, else you’d not be contactable except through data messengers like ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘WeChat’ (provided you have a data plan… or an internet, see more points below for potential problems). This used to be a non-issue about 30 odd years ago, but having cell coverage in your area is as important as having water supply and electricity these days. So, take note of that kemosabe. Just bring several friends with different cell network carriers to the prospective place, and check for cell coverage. You’d be glad that you checked. (fyi, my current home has zero Digi coverage. Thank god I don’t use Digi, it is a fucked up network anyway with equally gay name).

Data reception.
Albeit not as critical as cell coverage, depending on your age and needs, data reception could be a showstopper too. Again, this could be network carrier dependent. Imagine having an ‘Edge’ reception or worse, zero data coverage for your smartphone all the fucking time. You’d be deprived of your rights to Tweet, Facebook in the loo, send up-to-date selfies of you and your dog in compromising positions, to WhatsApp, to solicit for Vietnamese whores on-the-go in WeChat, et al. For me, it’s just being annoying. I mean, I’d get pissed when I have poor data connection at some restaurant. I cannot imagine having a poor data connection all the time at home. It’ll definitely ruin my shit all day having to depend on the stupid wifi over the broadband (which sometimes itself, is not dependable). So, what the fuck? You guys shouldn’t put up with this shit. Check for data reception in the area before you buy the apartment/condo. Get a few friends with data from different carriers to check it out.

Internet access.
If you have zero internet access, you’re needless to say, chose a wrong place to exist on this planet. Connectivity is life now. Porns, webcams, torrents, boy you’re going to miss so much life in your existence. In no way you should consider a place with ZERO means to get online. But hear this, there are places that are tricky as shit – they DO HAVE internet access, but limited to low speeeeeeed only. Don’t believe me? Ask my colleague Ernest – whose house only fucking has 1MB broadband connection. He has the dough, and wanted to upgrade to more than 1MB, but the ISP won’t do it for him. The reason? The copper lines in his housing area is as old as shit, and they won’t support anything more than 1MB. And even that 1MB is a placeholder, most of the time he’d get a dialup speed for whatever fuck he manages to load on his screen. Of course he bitched about it, but there’s very little the ISP could do for him. Having no internet is fine (at least you could just wean the whole thing off your life, shave your head and meditate), but having a slow internet is like a girl teasing you with a half boob and tonnes of lap dances, with no action allowed. It’s the saddest thing ever. Just give a ring to the local ISP to check before you sign your name on the S&P for that apartment you’re looking at, you won’t regret it.

****

I’ll list more when I could think of some…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
September 25, 2014

Braised Chicken with Bitter Gourd and fermented beans

You know, I’ve always hated bitter gourd as a child and most of my youth. My late mother liked it a lot, and whenever she cooked this dish – ‘Braised Chicken with Bitter Gourd and fermented beans’ (BCBGFB) – I always had to pick out the chunks of bitter gourd like they’re laden with rat poison.

But that changed one day when my wife and I were thinking of doing some adventure cooking (you know adventure cooking? That’s when you attempt to cook something you’ve never done before). For some weird fucking reasons, this BCBGFB came up. With a little bit of Googling around and painful recollection of my lost tastebud memories, I managed to cook this bowl of BCBGFB :
BCBGFB
Not actual picture of the first dish, this is like, the 4th cookout already…

It kicked so much ass, that I finished most of the bitter gourd myself, and turned into a bitter gourd believer. Amazing isn’t it? Here’s how I did it…

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
September 9, 2014

the middle aged participant in a course I attended

…is a bitch.
The course was a 1 full day event, which started at 8am, and the bitch came lumbering in at about 9am. Waddled through some chairs, and sat right in front of me blocking the projected screen, prompted me to shift my position lest all I would learn the whole of that day was her fucking turgid head with split-end graying hairs.

As if it wasn’t bad enough to be a view blocker, she immediately asserted her position the moment she came in like an alpha male primate (albeit she is actually an anjing betina), by asking the instructor shitloads of attention seeking questions (some of which she would have known had she came on time). To top it off, she asked them all with an unmistakable fake English accent, and would look around the room at the end of each question, checking if anyone has caught her faking her intelligence. And when she’s not asking, she’d whip out her mobile phone to IM her imbecile friends or clacking away on her stupid notebook replying emails (if that’s not obvious to you, that’s like, fucking rude). Then she’d cycle back to asking another stupid question, look around for attention, back to mobile phone, repeats. Her personality screams “Oh my cunt is sho…. BIG, that it has tectonic plates and its own weather system!”. Totally fucking revolting.

Then came the lunch break, which was prepared by the class organizer. Everyone took their own (fucking pathetic) bento with a chicken, and this bitch went ahead to exclaim loudly – “Where’s my vadge-gee-tarian set?”. (she made emphasis on the ‘veg’ pronunciation, and exaggerated the silent ‘e’ vowel after the ‘g’). Like she has the compelling need to let everyone know that she doesn’t eat animals. Judging from her cellulite ridden lard ass, she must have gotten the extra unused energy from excessive protein intake through a human. I was surprised that this walking fossil hasn’t considered super-glueing some sequins, plastic beads and fake diamonds on her forehead already, since she liked attention so fucking much.

I hope she gets pesticide poisoning from the vadge-gee-tables she ate.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off
August 16, 2014

some random lady at a coffee shop

…is a bitch.
It started with me walking into a coffee shop – alone – to have my breakfast. I placed my order from one of the stalls in there, and tried to look for a place to settle. There were a lot of empty tables around, so I picked one randomly. And then I kinda noticed this lady, who was standing about 30 – 40 feet away near another food stall, started to give me this stinky eye like I’ve just molested her or something. I didn’t know what was that for, so I just ignored her.

She would continue to glower at me for a good minute or so, and came to settle to another table next to mine. I continued to ignore her, thinking she must be fucking crazy. Then a waiter brought 3 mugs of Milo to my table, to which I denied ordering, and that was when the ‘angry lady’ flagged the waiter over to her table, and rudely (loudly) exclaimed in Hokkien “I had to change table because some guy took mine!”. That was only when I realized that the lady must have occupied the table I was sitting before me, and went off to order something. But I was rather pissed that she had to make it sound like I deliberately took her table like I had a fucking evil motive. For the record, the table was fucking empty, and I should be given the benefit of doubt for that. There’s no way I could have known it was occupied. Had I known it was occupied, I would have settled at another table, why the fuck would I take hers? CIBAI.

I wasn’t gonna let her take a sneak shot at me like that, so I kinda raised my voice over her remarks (in Hokkien) “So this is all about this table being yours?? You could have said so!”. That was also when my food arrived, and I told the server – rather loudly, in front of that lady – “Please put the food over there [next table]. This damn bitch here is mad at me for stealing her table!”. I was expecting her to get mad or something but instead, the bitch kinda shriveled to the size of a circumcised foreskin of a toddler. I could tell that she was freaked out (maybe she thought I was psychotic, and might give her a foot stomp mammogram on the coffee shop kerb).

See the picture on the left? You’re looking at her, and her hump – which is full of arsenic and ammonium fertilizer. I hope she gets tape worm infestation from that plate of noodles.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch  | Comments Off