Oh.. I am such a cruel person. I have done so many mean things to animals, that I think the animals probably hate me more than I hate Elton John. I feel so bad about myself now, and I just hope that someday, I will be able to make it back to the animals… gosh…

Here are some of the evil stuff I did to animals in the past… :

1) A dog was sleeping under my car. I ran towards the dog and stomped hard on the ground. The sound jolted the dog up from its sleep and as a result, it knocked its head underneath the small space under the car. I then laughed out loud while pointing at the dog.

2) A dog was chasing my car barking insanely at a quiet residential area. I then did the emergency brake maneuver - as the dog was too close to be able to stop in time, it crashed head first into my bumper. I then laughed out loud pointing at the dog.

3) I was walking in a neighborhood. A large white dog came up to me. The fucking dog stood up on its hind legs and put it’s paw on my chest. It was trying to lick me on the face. When I pushed it away, the dog switched its attention to my balls. I then gave the pervert dog a Bruce Lee kick on its jaw - sent it flying into a nearby drain.

4) I caught some small fishes in a river with my buddies. About 10 - 15 of them. Me and my friends then put those fishes inside a can, then lit a candle under it. As the water temperature slowly rises to near boiling temperature - the fishes got themselves some unexpected hot spring treatment.

5) A male cat was picking up a female cat. Tried to hump the female cat but kept getting rejected. Girl cat wasn’t in the mood. But sex maniac male cat was resorting to rape. When he tried to mount up again, I slingshot a rubber band on its dick and got hit spot on. Cat jumped up in pain and reflexed by scratching my hand with its claws. I got pissed off and gave the cat a kick on its ass, sent it flying a few feet away.

6) A white cat disrupted my studies when I was doing revision for an exam in a night class. My friends and I mischievously drew some graffiti on the white cat - making it the first ever Mardi Gras body painting cat exhibitionist in South East Asia.

7) A cat was walking past cautiously in front of me when I was strolling along in a village. I didn’t like the way the cat looked at me, so tried to scare the cat away by doing my best impersonation of an angry ogre. Cat panicked, and shot itself in lightning speed into a small pathway full of chickens hanging out. Cat crashed on the gang of chickens and landed on the ground several feet across. Saw plenty of feathers flying around but cat was nowhere to be seen.

Rob (my boss) asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a certain electronic failure on a motherboard. I sarcastically replied him, that if it could, there would be no more FA engineers on planet Earth. I made him look like a fucktard.

(I’m not sure if incident #8 is considered an ‘animal cruelty’. My boss is an undead, so he’s definitely not human. That’s why I decided to include that in… )

I am sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me, my dear animals… I know some of you are reading this blog.

Today, my boss Rob suddenly called for an impromptu meeting. He came up to me, Kermit & Anthony, and said “Guys… let’s meet up at the meeting room. I’ve got something to talk about.”

Fuck. “Talk my ass” - as usual, that was what I had in mind when he said he wanted to meetup. I reckoned that must be another session of him telling us more about his stupid ideas and probably gonna need us to help him achieve it. “Sadist” is his middle name and he doesn’t give a damn on how people feel about him. Maybe I should lock him up in the meeting room (after he goes in) and burn the whole room down. Yeah, that ought to be cool.

Anyway, after enough fantasizing of committing a homicide, I snapped back into reality in the meeting room. When the team’s all seated, the attention all turned to Rob. He started off with his usual way of acting like a total asshole - asking stupid stuff like what are we doing, how’s everything, etc. Like he cared. I was tempted to give him a kick square on his face and let him tell me how my soles taste like.

Then he finally told us the news - he will be leaving. For a moment there, I was stunned. It was like, striking a lottery, you know, like you just learned of something that’s difficult to believe. I thought I was in a dream! My fucking boss is finally leaving for good! Words cannot describe how fucking liberating it felt to learn that we’re finally free from this asshole’s reign of terror for so many months.

But that was all inside. We (Anthony, Kermit and myself) would continue to keep our cool as if we’re unaffected by the news - but behind the seemingly calm expression, we felt like coming in our pants and was having an internal orgasm (if there is no such thing, then perhaps we discovered it).

Nothing he said after that registered inside my mind - as I had already drifted off somewhere to give a shit what he’s going to have to say. I felt like shouting out “YEAH” loudly and can’t wait to celebrate the good news.

As we were walking back to our office cubes, Anthony asked me this - champagne or beer ? Heheh … Needless to say - it should be both. Shit, this is better than a promotion!

I’m not in my best of mood today and decided to ‘let everything out’ by blindly composing a list of people (or characters) that I hate most. If anyone here isn’t too happy about this, go fuck yourself.

Elton John - I hate this chicken head faggot because he has a real bad taste in fashion and he sings like a mutated frog with sore throat. I hate his hairstyle, his songs and his goddamn piano. He is a walking disaster to the music industry.

Moos - My workplace’s HR director. She looks like the female version of Jabba the Hutt. Hell, her voice even sounded the same like Jabba’s. She bellows when she talks and she leaves slimy marks on the floor (like a fucking slug) wherever she schleps. Apart from her tragic outlooks, I hated her because she’s the one who altered all our employee benefits for her own benefit… If we’re in the real Star Wars realm, I would have burnt her labia with a lightsaber.

Rob - my ex-undead boss. He is the worst boss in the world, if not the universe. I hate him more than roaches. He is nothing but a mindless festering piece of decomposed corpse who goes around messing with people’s life and he ought to be obliterated for good.

Skeleton Lady - A management figure in my workplace. A bulimic bitch snob and also a hypocrite. Always brag about how rich she is and can never stop acting like a consummate cunt. Got class my ass - people like her ought to be hung and shot and hung again.

Bubba - the cafeteria roti canai cook at my workplace. This motherfucker knows nothing about roti canai. His roti canai are hard like flattened erasers (or used condoms) and the gravy is practically water mixed with cheap curry powder. He is an insult to the food industry and he ought to be put to sleep like Rob. I had sent many complaints to the canteen committee (led by Moos) and still, there hasn’t been any action taken against this shit head. Maybe that’s because they’re having an affair (Moos - Bubba).

TFS - Abbreviation for ‘The Finance Slut’. A name co-created by myself and my colleague for a finance accountant in my workplace. She’s an annoying airport bitch who kept asking us irrelevant questions just to feel important. When we asked her to fuck off and leave us alone, she back stabbed us by injecting lies about us to our boss. Fucking bitch ass motherfucking cunt.

Egg - A junior supplier rep whom I dealt with frequently. He is an annoying prick. Always ask stupid questions. And what’s made worst, is that this guy has halitosis! His breath ranks so bad that it emits radioactive rays and causes cancer. That’s why I always dive for cover whenever he opens his mouth. Fuck!

Cockroach - an insect/vermin/terrorist that has outlived the dinosaurs. Know why the dinosaurs extincted? It was because of the roaches’ fucking smell. Everytime I see a roach, I will stomp on it till all its green entrails squirt out. I’ll then pour gasoline on its remains and smother the shit out of it.

Christina Aguilera (if i spelled it correctly) - Her voice sounded like someone choking on a strand of pubic hair from a hardcore oral sex, and her fake titties are revoltingly revolting. Makes me sick just by looking at her.

Freddy - The guy who sits near the entrance inside my office area. Goddamn, I fucking hate him (for no reason).

Dickhead - An asshole manager. He speaks loudly and acts condescendingly to his employees but behaves like a wiener when confronted by people of higher ranks. A typical snoot. I just hope someday he would be reporting back to his own employee and eat back the shits that he always barf on others.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur - Aren’t dinosaurs supposed to be extincted ??? This stupid piece of purple lardy lizard with beer belly ought to be hung, shot, hung again and fed to the sharks.

That’s about it. I’ll add more if i recall more of them later …

Sunday - One of my department manager, Pete, organized a farewell karaoke party for one of our departing engineer - CK.

3pm - arrived at Red Box KTV.

3.20pm - I started off the party by singing few songs using my “super golden voice of mesmerizing”. The guys were charmed. We toasted a few pints of beers. It was nothing.

4pm - Some of our Taiwanese supplier joined us. Our crowd grew into over 20 heads. The beers were finishing fast.

4.10pm - CK and Pete also invited their boy toys - a couple of KTV girls whom they befriended some weeks ago. I was not sure why they were so excited about the girls because they definitely looked like overdressed sewer lizards to me. They were an eyesore. The rest of us eased off the pain by toasting a few more pints of beer.

4.30pm - My super “golden voice of mesmerizing” did it’s magic again. The KTV girls were charmed. They bowed in deep respect to my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. We toasted a few beers but that still didn’t improve their outlook for me.

4.35pm - SaltyFish (our really big boss) arrived. He missed my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. It was his loss. He should try to be more punctual next time.

4.45pm - CK ordered whiskey. The party started to get real. None of us was focusing on the singing except my colleague AssTee. He sang like Elvis… with plenty of action… but he needed to learn more about rhythm and timing.

5pm - Emily called me up. She said she will be arriving from her Langkawi trip in 45mins. I was suppose to pick her up at the mainland.

5.10pm - I challenged Rob (my undead boss) for a bottoms up. CK told me Rob had a record of taking off his shirt in public when he’s drunk. I was laughing so hard that I almost dropped my glass.

5.15pm - We finished 2 bottles of whiskey. I’m blitzed. I asked the KTV girls to get more education. SaltyFish told them to finish their Standard 6 level first. They took the joke well and we toasted a few rounds. I’m still very uncomfortable with how they looked.

5.30pm - CK & one of the lizards were slow dancing in front of the KTV screen. I couldn’t see the screen. I took one of AssTee’s shoe and pitched towards the lizard. It hit her lardy ass and I was penalized by finishing a glass of neat whiskey.

5.40pm - I had to leave the party. I’m seriously blitzed and needed to sober up to drive (I was suppose to fetch Emily).

6.00pm - Emily called, and I was still looking for my car. She was furious. She told me that she will be hitching her colleague’s car home and I better have a good explanation of what’s was going on. I realized then I’m in serious trouble.

6.30pm - I reached home and passed out. (miraculously, I drove all the way home by myself…)

I only managed to wake up around 7am this morning with a serious hangover. I made an SMS to my colleagues that I’m not coming to work.

And I have yet to make any explanation to Emily about why I didn’t pick her up yesterday. But I guess I need not to do that anymore as she would have been able to tell by herself, what actually happened to me.

Rainy day since morning.

Though it was rainy, it was very hot inside my lab. Why? Because the air conditioner was down. I have lost count how many times the air con has been down in my lab. As I am very sensitive to heat (I sweat a lot), I chose to spend most of my time surfing the net in the office instead. So, life was pretty easy today.

Went out for lunch with Blackie, BigSnake and Veron at a local food court. We were immediately approached by a Chinese lady - “Any drinks?” - she asked in Hokkien (a Chinese dialect). BigSnake was busy looking around and was still in the process of figuring out what to eat for lunch, kinda half heartedly answered the lady in Malay - “Bagi milo ais satu gelas” (translation - gimme a glass of milo). His response triggered a hysterical laugh from me and the rest of us… and the lady herself was stunned. Pointing at her, I exclaimed “He thought that you are an Indonesian maid!!! muahahahah!!”. She was mortified.

Embarrassed by his mistake, BigSnake apologized to her, but I teased the lady again “Oh no, you’re not gonna let him get away just like this, are you?”. You can see the way she gave us that “I’m gonna kill you” look before she went away to process our orders. And we were fortunate indeed, as our milo-ais didn’t taste funny at all.

On our way back to office, Blackie started to talk about a few good restaurants, and then, indirectly hinted at me that how great it would be to have our lunch together, celebrating something. Sensing something amiss, I realized that they have found out about my promotion - yes, I have been promoted by Rob. I’m a level 2 engineer now. But then, that doesn’t mean it’s all good between me and Rob. No fucking way. I will still hate him like how I hate roaches. In fact, I deserved that promotion since last year… and it was a belated promotion. So, Rob still sucks donkey cock in my opinion. If killing is legal, I would have punched him to death by now.

Nevermind about Rob. The bastards got me this time… I will have to treat them lunch for that promotion. I thought I can get away with this - but seems like I was wrong
A good try nevertheless…