Many of my friends have been asking me… who will be your boss after Rob left? Not wanting to keep my friends and readers itching in suspense, I now have 2 new bosses. 1st - work boss, 2nd - administrative boss.

Work boss - the guy who needs to know every fuck I do at work. This includes my job scope and project for quarter/year and also my career development as an engineer.

Administrative boss - the guy who approves my annual leave whenever I don’t feel like working… and the guy who gives a shit about my welfare during working hours.

So, who’s my new boss?
My new work boss is Pete. If you can still remember, he is the same guy who organized the calamitous karaoke farewell for my ex-colleague CK. Pete is an ok guy… although he lacked of the intelligence to even know what exactly am I doing everyday. One thing I like about him is — he actually LISTENS whenever someone speaks. Now, that’s a very rare trait to be found nowadays. Another beautiful thing about Pete is, he’d approve anything that I pass to him, no questions asked.

My administrative boss is - unexpectedly - my colleague Kermit. Kermit is in his late 30’s and is a senior engineer. His pay is a few times higher than mine, so, he can be my boss.

How’s life after Rob left?
I hate to admit this but, it’s getting really boring for me and my colleagues after Rob left. As if we’ve lost a purpose in life… by losing a common object to hate at. We used to be able to vent all our anger and frustration by talking behind his back or laugh at his ass. But now that we’ve lost our dummy, our stress have nowhere to go. Rob is like the Japs in WW II that surrendered and ended the war. When the war ended, we start to become complacent and put on weight. Eventually, we’ll all be too fat to trim our own toe nails.

Same thing here. Rob’s departure made our brain too free from worries and lack of exercise. And eventually, our brains will all turn slow, rusty and infested by fungus. Seriously, I think I need to look for a surrogate for Rob’s position… else we’d risk of bringing down the whole chain of ecosystem…

I saw a documentary on Discovery today and just learned that a cockroach actually has 2 brains! If you flunked your math, let me shed some lights for you here - that’s 1 brain extra compared to us humans. Amazing… isn’t it? The ‘other’ brain is located at its ass. So… beheading a cockroach will not actually kill it… you will have to behead and ‘be-ass’ that fucker to be able to really kill it.

I didn’t know of anyone who has an extra brain but… I actually know someone with his brain located inside the ass like a cockroach - yes, as you may have guessed it correctly, he’s my ex-boss - Rob. To put it quite simply, my boss Rob is equivalent to a cockroach without a head! He’d be so thrilled to learn about that.

Yesterday, when the time approaches 4pm, the sky suddenly turned gloomy and dark. So dark that I thought there was an eclipse or something. And then all of the sudden, water started to jet down from the heavy sky. It rained cats and dogs. It was so heavy, that I reckoned that one would be stripped naked if exposed long enough under the rain.

At about 4.30pm, Rob came over to my cubicle to bid me farewell. He started by saying “Alright guys… all the best” and he then stretched out his cold skeletal hand for a handshake. Being a gentleman that I am, I replied while shaking his rotten hand “All the best to you too…”, rather insincerely. Deep inside my heart, I wanted this guy to flop bad and eat dirt. But that had to be veiled to preserve my integrity as a civilized person.

He looked particularly jolly at the final few minutes at the office. Everyone else looked happy too. He went around shaking everyone’s hand to say goodbye, like we all are going to miss him. Little did he know that it was quite the opposite. We’re all hoping that he’d get it all over soon and get the fuck out of there already. What a moron.

He finally left after about a good 25 minutes of drama later. And right after he left, I cited a poem out loud to my colleagues - in mandarin. (I know nuts about Mandarin… and has very little talent in poetry).

The air is so fresh [inhale a long deep breath]
The sun is so bright [looking and pointing out at the storm out there]
I feel like a newborn [looking at the office fluorescent light above]

Alright, it didn’t quite sound like a fucking poem. They didn’t rhyme and sounded damn spastic. But it did elevate some morale there… because I could see heads bobbing up from their respective cubes to check out who was citing a stupid poem in the middle of the office. I was greeted with laughters and cheers from them. But I know they weren’t laughing at my absurd poem. They were actually laughing that their nightmare was finally over and a new dawn has come.

At 5.20pm, I walked out from the office building feeling like a new person. On the way out, my friends shook my hand and congratulated me as if I’ve gotten a promotion. It was an unforgettable experience.

Weather - hazy.

Not sure why the weather was so hazy this morning. So bad that I can hardly see beyond 500 meters. Was it due to the massive burning at Indonesia again? Or could some kind of special effect of some spaceships that are going to land on Earth? I don’t know, and I don’t really care either. I only know and cared about one thing today — it was Rob’s last day!

Omg. I have waited for this for so long. That festering undead boss of mine is finally leaving us for good! I will be celebrating this tonight with a grand dinner. Well, the dinner’s not really organized in conjunction of Rob’s departure but… I’d be happy to celebrate for that reason. A celebration of freedom.

So what makes me hate my boss so much? Many reasons, people. I’ll try to summarize them up into a few vital points for you people to understand…

The Look
- He’s an emaciated shit. God he’s so fucking thin that I could break his arms with my bare hands. And yet, he would boast about having a black belt in karate, and being the fittest. Black belt my foot.

- He’s fucking ugly. If it isn’t for the limbs to hint us that he is actually human, one might easily mistaken him for some kind of overgrown mutated parasite that has crept out of a very sick buffalo’s anus. He once tried to pick up our admin girl, asking her out for a date or something… The girl bluntly cut him off and said “You don’t even qualify the smallest fraction of my lowest acceptable requirements”. Like my friend Alvin quoted : “He is a person that only his own biological mother will love.” An eyesore to the public. An organic mistake. A total disaster.

The Brain
- He has an IQ less than 50. Anything less than that, he will not be able to tell the difference between a rock and a dog. There was once he asked me to analyze a piece of cracked LCD display after he deliberately dropped it onto the floor. I had to explain to him the nature of fragile materials vs. gravity — that they will actually break if you drop it from a certain height (eg. drop a wine glass on the floor and it will break). But still, he couldn’t figure it out and kept asking me “Why it broke? Please investigate and give me a report”. I did the report anyway - but it consisted only a couple of short sentences — “LCD panel cracked due to it’s fragile nature. Root cause was due to someone dropping it onto the cold hard floor”. He bought off the report.

- He is slow. Whenever he is in a meeting, he will always ask a lot of incoherent questions. When someone shoots him a sarcastic reply, he will not notice it and nor feel embarrassed about himself. He’s simply, too simple and dumb. A good example would be the mineral water incident. A dimwit he is.

The Demeanor
- He is a sycophant. He likes to jack up his boss’ balls up to the chin and is his pet cocksucker. Shoe polishing is his strongest trait. He doesn’t give a shit if anyone thinks of him lowly… the most important thing for him is to keep his boss happy.

- Rob is a hypocrite. He knows nothing about the thing he does but likes to act as if he’s the smartest person in the company. Example: He once asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a product failure (I’ve written about it before). If you do not know how stupid is this, then imagine if a hammer can churn out a suspension bridge. It’s just a tool, you tool.

Alright, I believe that will be enough for anyone to have an inkling on what kind of person Rob is. So I hope this justifies my hatred for him. If you don’t feel the same way like I do already, then it’s too bad for you. You’re probably another asshole like him. A social garbage. A cancer of humanity. A dent on a paint job. A scratch on a CD. Whatever.

Today, Kermit organized a trip to a local R&D (Research & Development) lab to learn about some technology shit. There were 12 participants in total - Rob included.

Our host was a middle aged Malay chap, who seemed to be quite knowledgeable about the things he do. He’d walk us through the premise with detailed elaboration. It was an eye opener for most of us. Except Rob. Rob the motherfucker, saw it as an opportunity for him to get some attention…

As usual and expected, he would ask a lot of stupid questions (to the host). I don’t know why he always does that. Maybe he thought that by asking a lot of questions, people would think highly of him or something like that. But they always don’t. Instead, it is more like a reassurance (again and again) that he’s a real dimwit. Somebody that has the intelligence of a retard, but somehow, was able to control his movements like any normal person.

But today, I had enough of his antiques. Couldn’t stand that dipshit no more and decided to mock him. The opportunity came when we were all packed into the same elevator, and all of us heard Rob asking more obtuse questions:

“So Mr Fauzy … you’re from USM?” *USM=University of Science Malaysia

“Yes. I’m from USM” Fauzy the host, clearly wasn’t very comfortable with Rob.

“That’s great… I was from USM too. So, you studied mechanical there?”

“No. I majored in [some chemical shits which I do not remember]” Fauzy was trying to keep it short.

“Oh, interesting. I studied Minerals…” Rob responded. He said that with a smug on his face, as if that was the most important thing he ever achieved in his life, besides not being a biological retard.

That was when, I decided to add something to it. I uttered softly, but loud enough for everyone in the cramped elevator to hear, “Mineral water… he studied mineral water… by looking at them”. My remarks triggered simultaneous sniggers inside the elevator.

Rob attempted to redeem his image by correcting me - “No, no, not mineral water… it’s…” He could not even finish that last sentence… because everyone of us were too busy laughing at his ass. Some shed tears… and some were seen banging their heads against the wall. I made him looked like a kid who had shit in his pants that day and he kinda slowed down in firing his questions to the host.

All I can say is, ahhhh… what a sweet revenge. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect… as he will be leaving us next week. I would have gotten anymore chance after that. And he won’t be able to do anything about it now… but to live with this humiliation for as long as he can remember.