Ok. I hate to admit this but, I have a ‘boss’. Nope, not my workplace boss but, a ‘boss’ outside. You know, the one that covers me when I’m in trouble? Yeah.

Well, some of my friends always bash me up with concerns, how could a fine person like myself can end up with such troubles. What can I do? I am living in a challenging world out here, and without the ‘boss’, I surely would not have survived that long.

The protection that the boss gave doesn’t come free of course. I have to pay monthly fee to sustain the service… and there’s no bailing out unless I clear all my debts. He has an organization not to be messed with. With his networks of cohorts, and other connections, it’s virtually impossible to escape from his clasp once you’re in.

*Sigh* My mom always reminds me not to mix up with bad company like this, but it really is not that I refuse to listen to her. It’s just that, I was pushed to a dead end and had no choice but to submit to this. I am in so much trouble now. Me and my stupid ass. I could have lived a much more carefree life without this. No more sleepless nights and worries.

[Tears rolling down my cheeks]. Oh, is there anyone out there willing to help me get out of this mess? Please? Does anyone care anymore?

The boss I was referring to = Citibank. I just came home from settling a fraction of my credit card debts. [wiping my tears away]

Before I headed out for a karaoke function with my colleagues today, I had a few fruits of durians. That proved to be a big mistake, as when I reached the karaoke joint, my stomach was literally full of gas, and I was suppressing myself hard not to belch or fart during the function.

But there was only so much my physical self can hold, and during one part of the function, some gas actually leaked out from my mouth. I bet many of you know how bad does a durian belch smells. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I tried to release the gas out from my mouth little by little, some through my nostrils and some through the corner of my mouth - in hope that a small quantity of it would disperse quick enough for anyone to notice. But it didn’t work. The durian belch odor immediately filled the room, and my colleagues were all caught by surprise. Some took a frantic dash out of the room and some covered their nose with serviettes or whatever they could grab.

I thought I was in trouble, and was ready to face the flak from the irated bunch… but then, somebody from the group raise up a hand and apologized. It was Lily. She told everyone that she had some durians before attending the function, and that she could have burped without knowing it. Before I could even take the time to check my conscience to own up the crime, Lily was cast out by the rest of the members to clean up her stinking mouth and purge all her gas before returning to the room… Poor Lily.

Well, I didn’t give much thought about it after that and moved on… until now…

Lily… if you are reading this, I’m sorry. I was the one who belched hell inside the karaoke room. Please forgive me.

Yesterday, I spent some time by my dad’s death bed with the rest of my family. It was a sad event. It felt as if everyone was getting together to bid him a final farewell. Dad was very groggy from his advanced stage of illness, but still, he confessed a lot of his worries and his fears to all of us. This was the first time I’ve ever seen him doing that.

I can imagine his feelings right now - when he learns about his impending death. There would be so many bitter regrets and sweet memories to think about. And the sad part of it would definitely be - to learn that he won’t be able to achieve certain objectives in his life. Something like, to know how would his grandchild looks like… or how big our family will grow… how successful his son is, will he ever achieve greater things in life…

He’ll never get to know all that.

He kept staring into blank space, wandering off in deep trance of thoughts whenever I talked to him. It seems like he couldn’t hold enough energy to even put an iota of concentration to listen. I have seen this kind of symptoms before, that was when my grandma was terminally ill a few months back. This definitely was not a good sign.

And for the first time in my life, I spoon-fed my father his meal. I never thought I could be doing this after all these years of so many conflicts between us. For the record, he has never spoon-fed me before. And how I yearned for a fatherly love back then… and it’s definitely not fair for him to check out from this life so early. I have never really known how it felt like to have a complete family… and by looking at his condition like this, I know I never will. Not in this life of mine.

I’m not sure how this thing will all turn out to be in the end for him and me. I’m having insomnia and my migraine is back.

I sent an SMS to Emily yesterday (while she’s at work) :
‘dear, dun get mad at me, ok ? i’m sorry bout yesterday. I love you’

Her SMS reply:
‘dun worry..i’m ok now … but u owe me one big thing for not picking me up on time and let me wait. i love you too’

Owe her one big thing? Now that has to be the scariest thing a guy can ever hear from his girl. I reckon that she must already have something in her mind. She’s making use of this situation to trap me up. The “I love you too” phrase at the end of her message sounded so lifeless. At that moment, I am making a few thousands interpretations from her simple SMS reply. What’s the big thing that i am owing her?

Well, when she came home to wake me up from my deep sleep yesterday, we had a “one to one” talk.

“why did u consume when you already know that you need to fetch me??”

“it was my best friend’s farewell… and we had a few drinks. come on… it was just a party got out of control… ”
(you see, in situations like this, EVERYONE is your BEST FRIEND)

“did your so-called ‘best friend’ know that you need to fetch me up?” she asked.

“yeah, i told him. oh come on, it’s not my friend’s fault. It was my stupid boss.”
(i was trying to divert the blame to Rob here, because she knows I hate him very much. I’m wicked.)

“your boss?? he asked you to drink THAT much meh ??”

“nope. It was CK that told me that he would take off his shirt in public when he’s drunk enough… heheheh”
(laughing hysterically, apparently, i’m still a bit intoxicated.)

“who is CK ?”

“CK is that best friend of mine who’s leaving lor,… ok ok … let’s stop all these interrogation thingy, ok? I’m sorry”

“you owe me one big thing..”

The much dreaded word came out from her mouth right before my ears. I was like “Nooooooo … not thatttttt !!!”

“alright… and what’s that?”

She wanted me to accompany her to return to her hometown in Perak - a place with no entertainment, no internet connection, limited tv programmes, no friends, no mobile phone signals…
It’s like living in a deserted island with nothing. I’m going to fester to death there…
This is not looking good for me…

Lesson learnt : Do not mess with your loved ones. The consequences can be very dire…

Visited dad yesterday. We had a lengthy chat about our pasts & presents. It was an emotional moment for both of us - there was one point when dad told me, that both of us haven’t been really spending a lot of time chatting like this. I felt bad about it. I had nothing to blame but myself, for spending too much of my time building my career and chasing my dreams. Well, I certainly can’t reverse that back now, nor can I travel back in time to patch things up for both of us. There’s nothing much that I can do, or want to do, other than to convince him to go to this certain place for his treatment and everything will be taken care of from now on…