I received a memo yesterday - that I am required to move my desk across the office into another cubicle. Reason? The director wants my place for his new office.

Well, it’s a good thing, as my current place is quite crampy and hot. So without objection, I started to move my stuff over to the new cubicle since late yesterday. The new cube is nice, very spacious, and is located at a very nice corner with plenty of privacy.

But there is one thing about my new cube that bugs me — it is located right next to Jude. Now what about Jude? She’s scary, man. I can’t accurately describe much about her except that she’s got this fondness to come near and talk to me. The thing is, she makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve always averted from talking too much to her before this. I’d steer myself away whenever I see her in front. I’d go ‘oh-ok-yeah’ to shorten every conversation. But somehow, she has always been able to catch me up. Uggh.

Anyway, the idea of me moving next to her is a venison moving next to a colony of hyenas. It’s almost pronounced like a death sentence. When she saw me move my stuff in, she kinda excitedly stood up and exclaimed “You moved next to my cube! Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”. I swear that’s exactly how she laughs. Freakishly freakish.

I am imagining the worst now. Like when I am busy typing something important (like an entry for my blog)… I’d suddenly notice some acrid smelling transparent goo dripping from above… and then when I look up to check out what the fuck was that — I will see Jude salivating from above peeking at me - like that nasty alien in the movie ‘Alien’. And that’s when she would cue in her “hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk” trademark giggle.

Fuck. I think I’ll need to apply for permission from the management to install some high voltage barb wire along the perimeter of my office cube. Then, probably keep a couple of pitbulls guarding the passageway, and hire a 24-7 security guard armed with some nasty hole punchers. Maybe lace a few bouncing betty’s underneath the carpet as well… just to keep her away…

Sometimes, I would get really pissed with my colleague - Blackie. I think he has a fucked up thinking that he don’t rightfully breathe at all.

He can sometimes be a very self centered person, and unbelievably particular at one thing. For example, he would drive 10km further to another station just to earn an extra point for his petrol. I mean, come on, not that the extra point would get you much…

In my country, this is commonly called - Kiasu or Kiasi (afraid of losing or die). It’s a cynical behavior that is known to plague the Chinese in Malaysia and Singapore. Typically, a kiasu person would calculate up to the cents and points just for his/her own advantage. Such is the character of Blackie, my lunch mate. And if it involves borrowing or lending stuff, he would always be the one to borrow and never lend. That is why I never ask him out to a party or a drink. I don’t party or drink with a people like him. It makes me feel sad.

This morning, I was complaining about some traffic problem I encountered a few weeks ago. I was complaining about some inconsiderate fuckers who did 20 - 30 kph on a perfectly clear, straight, one-way and wide expressway, on the express lane. I was expecting some rational empathy from the guys but much to my shock and horror, I got a protest from Blackie. I was like, alright, why do you think it’s wrong for me to feel this way. He said it’s perfectly legal for them to drive 20 - 30 kph on a perfectly clear, straight, one-way and wide expressway, on the express lane - because they are merely complying to the speed limit. I went like - What the fuck??

To me, that’s definitely road hogging. Driving at 20 - 30kph is ridiculous and those who drives at that speed on the express lane on ANY ROAD, ought to be hung and shot. Or at least get a ticket. But Blackie insisted that roads without the speed limit sign, have a standard limit of 40 kph. Doug seem to also support that idea (that old fart). I do not know what the fuck was wrong with both of them today but, I lambasted at them right away

“That’s why we have so many cases of inexplicable traffic congestions! It is because we have fucked up people like both of you.”

There are no such rules that you should drive your car complying to the imaginary 40 kph speed limit if there’s no speed limit sign. If you want to go somewhere - go there FAST and safe. He told me “Even the parking lot has a speed limit of 10 kph…”

“That’s because they are PARKING LOTS moron… Parking lots are different from expressways.”
“Some bigger highways have a speed limit of 60 kph. What more of this smaller expressway you’re talking about?”
“You stupid fuck. That’s probably because there are exceptionally high number of accidents there and they specially imposed a 60 kph limit.”

I don’t understand how a guy of 30 years old still could not get his mind straight.

Damn.

I just came back from a late dinner with Emily — and encountered a bitter experience that involves driving skills, housewife, mockery, derision and vandalism. Here are the details of what happened (quite a lengthy post):

I was strolling along Carrefour’s big ass car park for a place to park and found a perfect one. As usual, I checked if there was anyone waiting for the seemingly vacant lot, you know, to avoid any conflict of interest. When the course was certified clear, I got myself ready to take the place.

But I didn’t know that a silver car (a Waja) was waiting to reverse into that lot, from about a good 20 feet away. I saw the car moments ago when I was scoping for conflict but, the car was too far away to look like it was reversing into the lot. It looked more like it was waiting for someone than anything, that was because it didn’t turn on its indicator, no reverse light, nothing.

I only knew that the car was vying for that lot after I have :
a) parked my car,
b) alighted from my vehicle,
c) did a few banters with Emily,
d) and walked some distance towards the hypermart…

I walked for about 10 feet or so, when I saw a lady in that freaking Waja engages the reverse gear. She was with a small toddler. When she realized that the spot was gone (only after she reversed 3/4 of the way), she turned her attention to me with a hostile look and started honking like I’ve just stolen the spark plugs from her placenta.

Not knowing what happened, I stooped low to check her out - you know, I thought she was in trouble or something. Maybe her son was chocking or, he tits got stuck on the steering wheel. Anyway, I was in for a surprise when I saw her giving me that mad gesture that I had parked her place, all the while honking like a mad bitch. Though I couldn’t hear what she was yelling, but I could clearly make out that she included a lot of profanities in her language. I couldn’t imagine what kind of parent she was to do that in front of her kid. I was pissed of course, and I responded back by gesturing ‘you didn’t put on your indicator, to let everyone know that you wanted the lot, you were waiting 20 fucking feet away!’

The bitch did not seem to care whatever I was gesticulating and was obstinate that she was in the right. Not intending to provoke that mad woman any further, I decided to walk away. But I she wouldn’t move on, and cars were starting to pile up behind her (because she reverse-positioned her car in such slanting way that it blocked the entire lane) and she was getting honked left right center. Eventually, she had no choice but to look for another place to park and that happened right before I was entering into the hypermart premise. But that was not the last I heard of her…

After returning from my dinner, I discovered 2 long fresh scratches on the hood of my car. 1st one was about 6 inches long, and second one, was about the length of my middle finger. I was so incensed when I saw those scratches…

What I couldn’t understand is - what had she achieve by vandalizing my car? 3 things:
1) to prove herself that she’s a fucking idiot.
2) set a bad example to her kid - “Look, mommy just scratched somebody’s car… how cool is that?”
3) expose herself the risk of getting walloped if she ever get caught of committing vandalism in public.

I was literally pissed, and I could have waited for the bitch to show up from Carrefour - I just wasn’t mad enough. I was planning to give that car a paint job anyway, or even sell it off in a few months - besides, the scratches were just minor additions to the collection of scratches I already had on my hood (bad neighborhood). But the story could have caused a different outcome if she were to vandalize my new Michelin tires instead. I would have gone postal to wreck every single silver colored Waja in the entire parking lot. And was glad that didn’t have to happen.

So what can I do now? Nothing, but to curse that bitch. I wish for her anus to rot and get infested with flesh eating maggots (hopefully, the same size of the scratches she induced) that will her ass off.

Lesson learnt: If you ran into any sort of altercation with another motorist, remember to jot that asshole’s car registration number down. Might be useful later.

Ooh.. the kids finally gone home after messing my place up for the past 2 days. I can finally switch on my PC like I used to… without having to worry about them nosing here and there.

I used to love kids… you know… I loved to play with them. I would talk to them from day till night and I was always so happy to see them around. But that was when I was a kid myself ler…

Thinking about how my nieces and nephews behaved, I have to admit that they are actually waaayyy better than me when I was a kid. But like any other human beings, I have changed. Into a finicky perfectionist. I expect everything in my life to be as close to perfect as possible.

And I expect kids to behave. And since I designed the apartment myself, I kinda developed an indescribable love for my work. I set have strict ground rules to follow to keep the place clean - eg: no food within 5 meter radius from my sofa, permanent ban on kids who fail to comply the rules. Things like that.

I just do not know why it has to be like this. I don’t know how to take things easy when it comes to tolerating kids. I know I should have just cut them some slack and let them have their fun. But no. I couldn’t seem to be able to do that. I can imagine how the kids dread the very sight of me.

But then strange enough, none of the kids are actually scared of me. In fact, they love and admire me. Things would have been easier if they hate me because, they would have resented coming to visit me in the first place… and I’d get less chance of seeing them. But things doesn’t always seem to go the way I want it to be… so…

I woke up feeling like shit all over this morning. I felt so darn sleepy. Actually, I felt pretty much the same every morning except weekends, but today was exceptional. Why? It was because I knew I’m not going to have a good night sleep frin tomorrow onwards.

Emily’s sisters are coming to Penang tomorrow. Well, her sisters are actually ok for me, but it is their kids that are not ok. That’s right, 2 sisters, 2 nieces and 2 nephews. I will probably be thrilled to have so many kids around if I were Michael Jackson. But this is Michael Ooi here. This Michael, isn’t too fond of have little people running around.

Tonight will be for me to do some major housekeeping around. I will have to keep all my harddisks… cables… modems … and other computer gadgets. You can imagine myself like preparing for a war, everything will have to be stowed away for safety. Not those little bastards’ safety but, more for my stuff. My floor will also be littered with rice and pukes… and I’m also in for a risk of having my sofa wrecked again. Like what Charles did months ago.

And then, I also will be worrying about my car. Emily will be driving them around the town with my car. That’s because our family only owns one car. I already started to imagine the kids jumping up and down inside my car and stress my absorbers to the limit. And they will not hesitate to practice their footprinting art work on my cushions and screens. My car will be stressed to its mechanical limit and over, like there’s not going to be another tomorrow. And without the car, I will have to stay at home by myself… no clubbing, no movies and plenty of worries.

That’s why I am feeling like shit all over. It is because I know I am fucked for the weekend. [sigh]