Goddamn. Lots of problems at work since yesterday. That explains why I haven’t got the time to do my own stiff lately (blogging, surfing, etc).

Well, one of my problems today was to work with a contractor called ‘Egg’. Now, if you have been following my blog, you would probably recognize this name, he was one of the fortunate people featured in my hate list before.

You see, this guy has a very serious problem with his breath. It stinks. Hell, it reeked so bad that I suspect that if I were to stand around him long enough, my white shirt would turn yellow. Alright, that might be over the top but, you get the point.

Each time Egg opens his mouth, I would be pressed to dive for cover. His breath had already destroyed a couple of my notebooks and partially damaged some of my expensive equipments. And I’ve already spent a lot of money fixing those stuff in my lab… all because of his stinking breath.

Alright… I made all that up, but the truth is still — he’s got a terminal case of halitosis. His appearance may look like a normal human… but when he opens his mouth, you’d think that he’s a decomposing corpse in disguise.

I do not know if he knows he has an awful breath. But having seen all the gag reflex around him… I reckon he should have some inkling that people are appalled whenever he’s in proximity. And yet, strangely, he did not seem to have done anything about it.

But then, considering the seriousness about his breath problem - I doubt that it can be solved by just chewing a pack of mint gum. I asked myself, what do people normally do to decomposing corpse? Yep, they cremate them. Burn them. Hence, for Egg’s case, I can assume that his breath can only be cured by burning whatever that’s rotting inside his mouth. Like maybe, have him swallow a can of petrol and light up. That way, it would not only stop the decomposition process but also eliminate the bacterias that causes the foul odor as well. And while he’s doing the therapy, he take the opportunity to impress his friends…

Man, if only he’s that considerate and smart…

I recalled of an encounter I had on a plane a few years back.

I was in an Austin bound flight from Fortworth for a business travel. Sitting next to me was a skinny ass Vietnamese old lady. Very old, about 60 - 70 years old. I was sitting by the window and that old lady by the aisle.

Halfway through the journey, granny decided to have an idle chat with me. Not wanting to be a rude, I tried to be nice to her and gave her a few short replies (as I was too fucking tired from the long haul flight and besides, I’m not the kind of person who likes to chat with strangers). But granny was relentless with her topics, she would continue to talk about stuff that matters not to me. I tried to grab some magazines to discourage her from talking to me, but the effort was futile.

It wasn’t long before she started to get curious about me. That was when she started to ask all sorts of questions like - how old are you young man? where are you from? why are you here? wanna have sex? Ok, I made up the last one. But I was beginning to get annoyed. I just wanted to be left alone because I was fucking tired…

But no. She wouldn’t leave me alone. She would tell me stories about her family, and other shit that I absolutely have no interest about. I was beginning to suspect something wrong with this old lady. But my mind kept telling me that she was just probably too lonely on the fucking plane and she needed to talk.

She finally stopped after talking for what it must be like 15 minutes and then went all quiet. I thought I could finally get my much deserved rest, but I was so wrong. When I was trying to take a short nap, I suddenly heard a faint sound of someone breaking wind. I was like, what the fuck?? Did I hear that wrongly? Then it came again, this time, a little louder and when I looked what was that old lady doing - she had both her legs up on the chair (she’s really skinny) and was enjoying her fart!

Yes! She fucking farted! Right beside me!

The repugnant smell of her flatulence then started to waft towards my space… and it was terrible. I was gasping for air and was giving her a look of contempt. But instead of at least apologizing (though it would not really help to clear the air), she was giving me this dirty smile… you know… the kind of smile with a message “you ain’t smelling the worst yet, son”.

Miraculously, her act of terrorism was limited to only our space - because I can see the other passengers were not having the same trouble. The old lady seemed to be able to control the sphincter of her anus - where she would be able to limit the amount of gas and noise level to dispose just enough mayhem to fuck those who did not submit to her conversation. Yep, she did that to me because I tried to avoid her.

And she farted several times more throughout the journey, and I was stuck there because she was sitting by the aisle and mine was inside by the window. The only means of escape was to break the window, and get vacuum sucked out from the plane. Probably I might land on something that would cushion my fall from 30,000 over feet from the sky… but, the probability would definitely be lower than striking a lottery. So, bummer.

I had to endure the whole ordeal all the way to Austin… occasionally switching between pillows and my hands to mitigate the odor. You can just imagine my peril, fart gas in my seat, hangover and deprived of sleep… gosh. Luckily, it was just a 45 mins connecting flight… or I would have suffered brain damage for the lack of oxygen.

Lesson learnt - always take the aisle seat. If you happen to meet any weird people next to you, at least you can bail to safety…

I work in a very large company. Like any other executives, I am provided a notebook computer. And because my company also manufactures notebooks, we’re all subjected to stringent security clearance, each time we have a notebook taken out of the premise. Everyday.

I was going through that check yesterday, by this lady security guard with a headscarf. Let’s call her ‘Terung’ for convenience’ sake. Now this Terung is actually no stranger to me. She has been our security for many months and she even knows my name already.

“Hi Michael” she would usually greet me. And she did the exact same thing yesterday.

She took my notebook carrying case and opened it up. But when she was doing that, my nose suddenly caught something pungent, and I was immediately stunned. I reflexed by taking 2 steps aback. I did not know where the smell came from. Smelled something like a wet dog who haven’t bathed for many months. But there wasn’t anyone around at that time… except Terung. And then I saw a table fan behind her, blowing towards my direction… and I went “Oh my fucking god” and held my breath.

Then, she asked for my pass to clear the notebook. I was still holding my breath when I had to go near her to show her my badge (the pass was on the badge). I thought I could just show her the damn thing and bolt straight away, but she made things complicated by not allowing an immediate clearance. That was because right at that time, a dude came over to inquire about something and that robbed me off some precious seconds there (though I have to admit, those seconds felt like hours…)

As I was about to turn purple, she finally cleared off the inquiring dude and my notebook and got me off the malodor hook. I immediately fled the stinking place… did not look back. Some fucking experience there.

I have made a solemn vow from then on, that if I ever see Terung on duty at main the entrance again, I’m gonna fucking stay back at workplace till the next shift commences.

Before I headed out for a karaoke function with my colleagues today, I had a few fruits of durians. That proved to be a big mistake, as when I reached the karaoke joint, my stomach was literally full of gas, and I was suppressing myself hard not to belch or fart during the function.

But there was only so much my physical self can hold, and during one part of the function, some gas actually leaked out from my mouth. I bet many of you know how bad does a durian belch smells. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I tried to release the gas out from my mouth little by little, some through my nostrils and some through the corner of my mouth - in hope that a small quantity of it would disperse quick enough for anyone to notice. But it didn’t work. The durian belch odor immediately filled the room, and my colleagues were all caught by surprise. Some took a frantic dash out of the room and some covered their nose with serviettes or whatever they could grab.

I thought I was in trouble, and was ready to face the flak from the irated bunch… but then, somebody from the group raise up a hand and apologized. It was Lily. She told everyone that she had some durians before attending the function, and that she could have burped without knowing it. Before I could even take the time to check my conscience to own up the crime, Lily was cast out by the rest of the members to clean up her stinking mouth and purge all her gas before returning to the room… Poor Lily.

Well, I didn’t give much thought about it after that and moved on… until now…

Lily… if you are reading this, I’m sorry. I was the one who belched hell inside the karaoke room. Please forgive me.

I did not go to work today. Had some business with EPF (Employees Provident Fund). I hate EPF. I mean, I don’t hate the money per se, but it’s the organization that handles our money that I’m talking about. But do I have a choice? Fuck no. Every time I go to the EPF office, I will cuss till my throat sores because they’re so fucking loathsome.

They are slow, stupid and seriously understaffed. Their systems are screwed up and their procedures are ridiculously tedious. Some of their staffs are rude and some stink like a belacan.

Yep, that’s right, belacan. If you do not know what’s a belacan, it’s a type of fermented shrimp cake. Very popular amongst the locals for cooking. One very distinguishing feature for belacans is that they have a very strong odor. You know, being a fermented food and all. It smelled something like an unwashed private part (that’s about as closest I can describe)

And that’s what I encountered today. It was my turn at the EPF office counter, and when I was there, I was suddenly hit by this stench of unwashed private part odor, just like a piece of fucking belacan. I have no fucking idea why would there be a belacan smell in the office. I was particularly uncomfortable with it and was looking around for the source. I had been suspecting the EPF lady at the counter - because she looked like someone who doesn’t wash her private part, but I was unable to ascertain.

Since I was stuck there, I just hoped that I would be finishing my business as soon as possible and get the fuck out of there - lest I get sick or something.

It was then, I encountered a double whammy. There was this Indian bloke, who was summoned to the counter next to where I was, launched a second wave of malodor attack. His was an armpit odor, like there was a giant cockroach sitting next to me. I was at the verge of keeling over. Unwashed private part plus the cockroach smell. It felt like I was at the foulest spot there could be on the planet… I was stuck in the middle of a belligerence of aromatherapy - a competition of stinking people.

Imagine this - if I were to have a dog’s nose… a few hundred times more sensitive than a human’s… I probably would have knocked out cold by the multi-odor attack.

I don’t understand what’s in these people’s mind. What the hell were they thinking (if they have been…). Don’t they realize that they have such a strong odor emanating from their body? Don’t they know about something that’s called a deodorant? God…

Till now, I still have no idea where did the belacan smell come from. It could be from the feet, or maybe the breath of that EPF lady. But the most likely part would be her hair, because it looked so fucking slicky like that. And I doubt that piece of shit smells good.

I have to hold my breath through the entire ordeal. Once I got everything done, I fled the place without pronto without looking back. And I’m glad to make it out alive… Fuck…