A friend of mine will be organizing her 21st birthday party this coming Saturday. That was when I face this problem - probably trivial to some of you but it’s a headache for me - I’ve got to get her a present. You see, I always have trouble looking for a right thing to buy when it comes to birthday presents. It is said that all smart people shares this same common problem… but I think this is much more than that.

Most of the time, if it is my close buddy that is organizing a birthday party or any sort of that shit, I will usually buy something that we can enjoy together… you know… like, “Here’s a bottle of whiskey for your birthday!” and then we’d drink it together. It’s always a better plan. A win-win situation.

But the friend that is having her birthday, is not just any friend. She’s my buddy’s future wife. We can’t just get her a bottle of whiskey. That’ll be awkward. That’s why I am now cracking my head on what to buy for her birthday. That is why I had a discussion with a friend of mine (Ricky) on ICQ last night about this. I mean, a couple heads cracking is better than one.

During the discussion, I jokingly remarked that we should buy her a pair of thong or something… for the benefit of his boyfriend (my friend). It was like a glowing light bulb for us… and before we knew, more absurd ideas began to pop up. Lingerie, wigs, etc. Amongst them, was a bra, which Ricky thought was quite a plausible choice (to his logic anyway). He actually asked if I knew her size…

“How the fuck would I know her boob size??” I lashed out at him.

We had to brainstorm about that - as neither of us actually noticed how big her boobs were. So, I went to my wife Emily and asked,

“Dear… do you know [friend]’s boob size?”

And I can tell you, that’s the weirdest thing I did. Emily was giving me this very disturbed look and asked

“Why would you want to know her boob size??”.

I then explained to her about my discussion with Ricky about the birthday present, and finally obtained her size - it was 32B. Common size for an Asian so, it wouldn’t be hard for Ricky to find one I guess.
[Talking about boob size, I wonder why can't they come up with something like a universal fitting bra ... you know, like an elastic bra that can stretch the length of Titanic, and yet strong enough to lasso a mad cow. And that universal bra can fit any size, with adjustable elasticity. Maybe also add a few designs inside the elastic bra pad - so that when it's removed - there would be a cool looking emboss effect on the skin of the boobs.]

So, my friend Ricky’s going to get his girlfriend to buy that birthday girl a push up bra… as a prank on top of the real birthday present. But for myself, I have not decided on what to buy yet. Tough shit. That friend is a sophisticated girl… who already has an extensive collection of branded fragrances, shoes, handbags, clothes, makeup apparatus and jewelries. She doesn’t read, doesn’t surf and doesn’t eat much (diet freak). What else does she need? Like I said, tough shit. Even tougher than the current engineering project that I am currently leading.

If any of you guys out there have any suggestion, please render some help. Thanks

*Circa 1992. I was 15 then, working as an intern in an advertising firm called Libra.*

The workshop that I was working in was situated at top most floor of the building and had 2 staircases leading up to it. One being the main staircase, and another secret staircase (which was off-limit to everyone) directly linked from the boss’ office.

The boss and his first wife (Miss Wong) would use that secret staircase to pay us surprise visits from time to time. And we would be damned if caught shirking off inside the workshop. Of course, that never happened before… that was because we had eyeeeesss around the premise. Alright, that was the introduction of the secret staircase. Here comes the main plot.

The boss also had a son and 2 younger daughters. His son was alright. The guy would snuck up to the workshop from time to time to romp around with us. But the boss’ daughters on the other hand, were the complete opposite. We fucking hated both of them. The elder one, Denise, was about 1 - 2 years my junior (about 13 yrs old), while the younger one, ….. let’s not bother about her. You see, Denise was a fat and fugly creature, with a bad attitude to boot with. If she sees us shirking, she will go all out to complain to her mongoloid father… the boss. That was why, our ring of cronies inside that workshop never actually liked anyone from that Wong family (except the son).

After I started work at Libra for about 2 weeks, my fat cousin brother - Kelv - joined the company. Just like myself, he worked as an intern in that workshop and we had a great time working together.

One very hot afternoon, all of us decided to take our shirts off to bear with the sweltering heat. The idea was unfavorable to Kelv as he didn’t really like the idea of showing too much of his doughy physique overtly like that. But he was left with no choice, as it was freaking hot in there… After dawdling for a while, he couldn’t take any more abuse from all of us… he finally took off his shirt like a man.

But Kelv was kinda worried about the idea of Denise storming into the workshop, you know, he didn’t want her to see him shirtless like that. I guess he was too embarrassed about his body or something. So, he gave us an order, if we see Denise coming up from the secret staircase, give him a hoot - he’ll dress the fuck up. We’re like, alright man, don’t worry about it, continue to do you work or something.

Fast forward a few moments later, we actually heard some footsteps coming up from that secret staircase. Johnson peeked over from the top and saw Denise on her way up from below. Kelv was busy working on something and was completely unaware about her coming. That was when Johnson suggested we keep quiet about it and see how the encounter turns out. So we hid ourselves and peeped at the whole incident in hiding. The anticipation grew as Denise ascended near where Kelv was happily working on his stuff… and some of us were already suppressing ourselves from laughing…

When Denise came into the workshop, she started wondering where did everyone go. Hearing noise from where Kelv worked, she sauntered over to ask him about us. That was when Kelv had the fright of his life. He actually shrieked (it was like “Eeeeiiaaaaiii !!”) and dashed into a nearby storeroom… slammed the door shut and locked it like he was being chased by a gay werewolf. Somewhat startled, Denise went to the locked storeroom door, knocked and asked him what the hell was wrong with him. With a terrified voice, Kelv bleated “go away! go away!” from inside.

The rest of us were just laughing and having stomach cramps. It was definitely a day that Kelv will remember for the rest of his life… and I haven’t seen him take off his shirt in public ever again.

I took my lunch at the company cafeteria today with Blackie and my 2 other female colleagues — Kim and Faye. I got myself a plate of chicken rice, Blackie and Kim were having Fish n’ Chips. Faye got herself a plate of Chicken Chop.

As shitty as it reputated to be, the cafeteria actually served the Fish n’ Chips without tartar sauce - they temporarily ran out of sauce, and asked Blackie & Kim to wait. Hungry, Blackie hoovered the fish without the sauce but poor Kim had to wait for about 10 minutes before she got herself some sauce.

So, by the time Kim gets to start working on her fish, I had already finished my lunch and was hanging around there for some chat. That was when our lab technician came to join our table…followed by his middle aged guy friend.

As I had nothing to do then, I decided to make Kim’s lunch more interesting…

Me : “Hey Kim… let me ask you something, do you have any idea what does tartar sauce made of?”

Kim : “No idea.”

Me : “Well… let me give you a hint. It comes from a cow.”

Kim : “Comes a cow? Really? From its lard is it?”

Me : “No… not the lard. It is actually made from cow’s puke. Believe it girl…”

Faye : “You seriously think we’re going believe that?”

Kim : “Hahah… right. You’re so lame.” *continue to eat her fish*

Me : “It’s alright if you don’t believe me. You know Thousand Island dressing for your salad? They’re made from blended cow brain…”

Kim : “I’m not that gullible, you should try harder.”

But my bullshits caught some unexpected attention - the middle aged bloke who came with our technician. I noticed the guy first gave me this perplexed look and then asked me this - “Seriously, a cow’s brain? They really use a cow’s brain???”.

He was such a fucking stupid idiot. His remarks actually made all of us at that table pause for approximately 2 seconds… before breaking into a laughter. Faye was pointing at that guy when she was laughing… and Kim had some of her half chewed fish spurting out of her mouth.

I don’t know man, but I think his IQ level must be equivalent to that of a lab rat. I never thought someone would actually believe the shit I made up to gross the girls. Not especially from a guy who’s rife with experience and age. Anyhow, after we’ve had laughed enough, I made an effort to tell the guy that it was meant to be a sick joke… and he probably shouldn’t take it too seriously.

Yesterday, I went to look for my departmental admin (let’s call her ‘Cat’) to send a very important document to someone on the other side of the state. I forgot to bring a pen, so I asked to borrow one from her, and that was when she noticed something about me…

“Michael … are you a guitar player ?”
“No… I am not”
“How about Chinese zither?”
“Nope. I don’t play any musical instruments at all”
“Oh… then why do you have such long finger nails?”

Obviously, I was caught off guard. I don’t actually have an answer for that question. The fact was, I’m just fucking lazy to clip my nails. I’d usually do it when one of them breaks off or something.
(disclaimer - if you somehow have an idea that my nails could be dirty, you’re wrong. I washes my nails everytime I go to the washroom… so, it’s very well maintained and clean)

I had to resort to bullshitting her…

“I actually fancy of keeping them. They kind of make my fingers look longer”
“Really?”
“Yeah .. and they are also handy for some of my delicate work”
“Oh ok. See my nails? They’re very short.”
“You liar. I think you broke your nails from scraping for dandruff too much”
“No… really, I clip my nails because I play violin a lot”
“That’s why your fingers look short and ugly…”
“Not as ugly as yours… ” (makes some face)
“Well… at least I can use them to scratch my back better…”

And she laughed hysterically like a hyena across the office… triggering a massive head bobs from hundreds of cubicles. Seriously, I don’t know what’s so funny about my remarks. Sometimes, we can’t simply make silly jokes around girls… they can be such a drag sometimes…

Kids are obsessed with fire. No doubt about that. I am no different from them when I was a kid. I did many crazy and stupid things with fire back then. And always do it when I am with my cousins - I never actually did it alone. Maybe part of the reason was, we knew nobody will believe anything when there was no one around to witness your feat.

The sight of fire burning anything… was a mesmerizing sigh for our immature brain. Explosions and the destruction caused by fire were the coolest thing. To us kids (then), fire were the root of all evil and all cool things combined. And it costs only 70 cents to buy a lighter.

Following were the stuffs I did with fire when I was a kid :

1) cooked with a discarded pot. We dumped everything we could find into it. Wild berries, earthworms, ladybirds, candles, leaves, mangoes, etc.

2) burnt a hole on a neighbor kid’s shirt and laughed out loud (with my cousins) during Chinese New Year. My cousin ended up paying that kid 10 bucks for the damage.

3) detonated a drum of diesel (it probably wasn’t diesel, but it looked like diesel) during Chinese New Year. We weren’t there when it exploded. We started the fire and bolted off - only to discover it disintegrated to pieces the next day.

4) dumped firecrackers into a mailbox full of letters during Chinese New Year. It was fun to see smokes billowing out from the gaps of the mailbox.

5) burnt a pile of discarded newspapers inside a big metal container. When the fire became too big, we had to put it out using a fire extinguisher. Once fired the extinguisher, the metal container exploded due to the built-up pressure inside… and the whole place eventually became charred with carbon debris… including ourselves.

6) lit and dumped firecrackers into drain cracks where a big community of roaches known to dwell. Even poured kerosene to torch the hole up. But it didn’t work due to lack of oxygen.

7) wrapped crackers in newspapers and lit them up before dumping into the drain. When it exploded inside the drain, we would be so awed to it blast the drain water everywhere from the explosion.

shot countless of firecracker rockets (during CNY) at countless dogs and cats in the neighborhood.

9) shot countless of firecracker rockets at neighborhood kids. When they shot us back, we would engage each other like we’re in a war…

And much more that I’ve forgotten.

I felt so lucky to be alive and in one piece after all those mischievous deeds I did together with my cousins from hell. Maybe part of the reason was, because I’m smart. All the kids back then were smart. We knew about the risks of playing with fire… and always did them with proper manipulation. We did not take any unnecessary risks.

But the main culprit isn’t probably the fire. The main culprit is the fact that when kids got together, they do dangerous stuff that they don’t normally do when they’re alone. Just watch out for them. Especially during Chinese New Year… when kids would turn into little devils… destroying everything with fire…

To all the wonderful people out there … have a happy and safe Chinese New Year.