*1st July 1995*
I was with Henry at a friend’s birthday party… and he pointed out to me that there is a ‘not bad’ looking chick around… you know, as we guys always do. But I didn’t feel like socializing that night, because I had been having some really tough time with my then girlfriend. My girlfriend was a bitch. She was a very difficult person and I was already thinking about dumping her for good that night. That was why I spent a lot of time at the party not enjoying myself thinking about it (it should have been quite an easy decision but… nevermind)…

About halfway through the seemingly boring night, my friend ‘Animal’ showed up and started to talk like he’d never talked before. He was like his usual self, bragging left right center about how cool he has been. Amongst other things, he told us that he was part of the organizing committee that night and he was the sole reason why there were so much girls there (they were his college mates). Of course we were just standing there listening to his seemingly boring monologue, and it was before long when all of us began to lose interest in his egocentric babbling.

When he realized that our attention was slipping away, he made an effort to impress us by introducing some of his college girls to us. But I wasn’t really in the mood, remember? So I was kind of like, doing it out of propriety’s sake to muster some strength to fake a smile or two and shook some hands.

And I met a lot of girls that night, but none of their names registered in my mind because of the problems looming inside my head. But I did notice a girl who looked very distinctively different from the rest. She had the sweetest smile and it was very warm. But then, my estranged relationship with my then girlfriend somehow overshadowed that good feeling and I moved on without making any effort to get myself to know that girl.

Fast forward a couple hours later, when the party was about to end, my friend Animal came to me and asked “Mike .. is your car full?”. Apparently, he wanted me to help him fetch 4 of his college mates home from the party location. I didn’t have a good excuse to reject him other than I was a mean fuck. I only had Henry with me, and my car’s basically empty. So, I had to reluctantly agree to fetch his college mates home.

Luckily, all 4 of them were girls. It wouldn’t have been that pleasant if they were blokes. I didn’t quite see their face because it was dark and stuff, but I manage to make up their shapes from their silhouettes from my car’s rear view mirror - 1 average height/skinny, 1 short/skinny, 1 average height/obese… and another one with average height with a balanced figure. Ironically, their shapes and sizes kind of cancel out each other for some strange reason, but that’s not really important.

Because Henry and I didn’t really know those girls, I attempted to break the ice in the car by cracking a joke to ease the tension - that I was suppose to pick up 4 kidnapped girls for sale from my regular client, their college mate Animal. And broke the ice it did, that silly joke. The bunch appeared to be quite chatty, which made the journey home not as awkward as it could have been.

At about half way through the journey however, the chatting began to cease and slowly, each of them became silent, until it finally left only 2 of us chatting - myself (driving) and one of the girls who was sitting in the middle of my backseat. I realized she was the one with average height and a balanced figure. And we talked all of our way home. The blank chat somehow made me forget about my problems at hand, and momentarily made me felt like new again. That stranger girl was simply my natural match, and she was just awesome.

Because I felt kind of nice about her, I decided to take a good look at the face and so, I shifted my focus from the road and turned my head to look at her - lo and behold, it was that very same girl whom Henry told me was ‘not bad looking’, and the one at the party who gave me that warm sweet smile. That was more than coincidence, I thought. She on the other hand, was caught stunned looking at me, which she asked if there was anything wrong with her face. That was when the antigravity effect took place. My stomach began to float, and my organs hovered all inside… I fell in love again.

My mood changed, and I immediately took the opportunity to ask the girl if she wanted to join me at the extended session of the party (which was to be held at a dance club - stupid location, I know)… which she politely declined. I wasn’t disappointed, strangely, but more like motivated to get myself a life. Dump my bitch and get the angel.

I was so engrossed with my new found crush, that I actually committed the most terrible mistake a guy could ever commit. I forgot to ask for her name and number! By the time I realized that, it was already too late, the girl was already gone… into her apartment block, probably half way up in the elevator. Fuckety fuck!!!

[to be continued... here]

Believe it or not, I actually joined the school volleyball team when I was 14. No, not that I’m interested in volleyball… but because the school volleyball team has a badass reputation to go with. I mean, being badass was everything back then. That was why I enrolled to get into the team. It’s macho and shit.

Charles was also in the volleyball team too. But I can vaguely remember his motive of joining, so I’m not going to cover his side of the story. Let’s just say, we were glad to have each other’s company inside the school volleyball team. So, I was kind of like looking forward for the first day of training in the volleyball team… you know, like the beginning of everything. I’m going to train hard, and I’m going to become a tough ass motherfucker in no time. The anticipation for that day was unbearable.

Then came the first day of training, the day I have been waiting for. I was kind of like expecting a lot of rigorous practices and energy draining routines. Pretty much like in the army or something. So on that day, Charles and I made appointment to meet each other and went to the court together. When we reached at the location, some of the seniors volleyball teammates were already there practicing, and the coach was there yelling some volleyball jargon that neither of us could understand. We were like, so impressed…

… but not for long. As soon as we got in pace with the practice, we instantly knew that we made a big fucking mistake joining the fucked up volleyball team. The coach turned out to be a contemptible mean fuck. The guy was a sadist, who has the penchant to yell at basically anything. If a dog were to walk by, he’d yell at the dog. Yes, he’s that fucked up. The volleyball practice session looked more like a Nazi concentration camp, than anything at all. Charles and I hated very fucking much. He was especially mean to both of us rookies - as we’re a little bit slow for being new and all that.

So, the first session turned out to be all about us getting yelled at. It wasn’t cool at fucking all. It made both of us felt like an unwanted vagrant more than a team member. The practice sessions that followed were much worse - eventually, I began to learn the hard way that the entire volleyball team was as sick as the coach himself. We (me and Charles) were constantly hooted at whenever we did simple mistakes and was also asked to pick up balls that strayed out from the court. It was humiliating as fuck. FUCK!

Then came to the day when they (the whole team) over-DID it. We were given a bucket and a bottle of cordial juice (forgot the flavor, though I very much hoped that it would be diesel), and were ORDERED to mix up a pail of cordial drink for the volleyball team, and haul the bucket of drink to the court about a good 100m away! Hell, who would have thought. We were there to be cool, but instead, we became some loser slaves at their disposal.

That was when the two of us decided that we had enough. We’re determined to quit the team for good, but not before we did something to their drink. It was my idea actually, because I was such a natural born dick, and I won’t submit to bullying from others. I actually suggested to mix their drink with some drain water. My friend Charles was totally into the idea, and we actually did it. We stirred in half a glass of drain water into that bucket of cordial drink, to bless that team of volleyball fucktards with ‘extra nutrition’ — courtesy from rookie MichaelOoi and Charles.

We weren’t sure what would become of them, nor did we care. We just brought that bucket of cocktail to the court and put it at the side… then proceeded to act like nothing happened. And when the coach called out for a break, we took our pleasure looking at those assholes quenching their thirst with our nutrient rich cocktail (teeming with a whole republic of bacteria having a party inside). It was the sweetest sight. None of those freaks actually figured out the weird taste of the drinks, as they’re too weary and thirsty from the punishing practices. They just gulped the whole thing down their unfortunate throat.

After that practice session, we bailed the fuck out from the shit laden volleyball team…

*Circa 1992. I was 15 then, working as an intern in an advertising firm called Libra.*

The workshop that I was working in was situated at top most floor of the building and had 2 staircases leading up to it. One being the main staircase, and another secret staircase (which was off-limit to everyone) directly linked from the boss’ office.

The boss and his first wife (Miss Wong) would use that secret staircase to pay us surprise visits from time to time. And we would be damned if caught shirking off inside the workshop. Of course, that never happened before… that was because we had eyeeeesss around the premise. Alright, that was the introduction of the secret staircase. Here comes the main plot.

The boss also had a son and 2 younger daughters. His son was alright. The guy would snuck up to the workshop from time to time to romp around with us. But the boss’ daughters on the other hand, were the complete opposite. We fucking hated both of them. The elder one, Denise, was about 1 - 2 years my junior (about 13 yrs old), while the younger one, ….. let’s not bother about her. You see, Denise was a fat and fugly creature, with a bad attitude to boot with. If she sees us shirking, she will go all out to complain to her mongoloid father… the boss. That was why, our ring of cronies inside that workshop never actually liked anyone from that Wong family (except the son).

After I started work at Libra for about 2 weeks, my fat cousin brother - Kelv - joined the company. Just like myself, he worked as an intern in that workshop and we had a great time working together.

One very hot afternoon, all of us decided to take our shirts off to bear with the sweltering heat. The idea was unfavorable to Kelv as he didn’t really like the idea of showing too much of his doughy physique overtly like that. But he was left with no choice, as it was freaking hot in there… After dawdling for a while, he couldn’t take any more abuse from all of us… he finally took off his shirt like a man.

But Kelv was kinda worried about the idea of Denise storming into the workshop, you know, he didn’t want her to see him shirtless like that. I guess he was too embarrassed about his body or something. So, he gave us an order, if we see Denise coming up from the secret staircase, give him a hoot - he’ll dress the fuck up. We’re like, alright man, don’t worry about it, continue to do you work or something.

Fast forward a few moments later, we actually heard some footsteps coming up from that secret staircase. Johnson peeked over from the top and saw Denise on her way up from below. Kelv was busy working on something and was completely unaware about her coming. That was when Johnson suggested we keep quiet about it and see how the encounter turns out. So we hid ourselves and peeped at the whole incident in hiding. The anticipation grew as Denise ascended near where Kelv was happily working on his stuff… and some of us were already suppressing ourselves from laughing…

When Denise came into the workshop, she started wondering where did everyone go. Hearing noise from where Kelv worked, she sauntered over to ask him about us. That was when Kelv had the fright of his life. He actually shrieked (it was like “Eeeeiiaaaaiii !!”) and dashed into a nearby storeroom… slammed the door shut and locked it like he was being chased by a gay werewolf. Somewhat startled, Denise went to the locked storeroom door, knocked and asked him what the hell was wrong with him. With a terrified voice, Kelv bleated “go away! go away!” from inside.

The rest of us were just laughing and having stomach cramps. It was definitely a day that Kelv will remember for the rest of his life… and I haven’t seen him take off his shirt in public ever again.

I suddenly recalled of an incident…

It was circa 1992, while I was working as an intern during my school holidays for an advertising firm (called Libra), my colleague Johnson summoned me to the office to meet him there. Located 3 floors below the workshop (where I was working), I capered down happily into the office. Johnson was standing near the office entrance and then gave to me a bunch of documents. Note: my back was facing the entrance.

Johnson : “Hey Mike… can you get these documents to Miss Wong?”
[Johnson was my supervisor and a friend]

Me : “Sure dude. But I need to know who is Miss Wong first. I have no idea who she is. And also tell me, where to find her?”

Johnson : “You don’t know who is Miss Wong? Where have you been, kid? You remember that tall lady? The one with glasses?”

Me : “Hmmm… nope… that doesn’t ring a bell. How does she look like? Is she hot? heheh” *wink wink*

Johnson : “She’s the boss’s first wife… haven’t you seen her before? The one who sits at the 3rd floor office desk?”
[Believe me or not... the boss has 2 wives working in Libra... and they are not hostile towards each other]

Me : “Is it the one who always come up to our workshop? That skinny lady?”

Johnson : “Yes. That’s her. That’s the Miss Wong I’m talking about…”

Me : “Oooooh… that damn old hag is it? Why can’t you just describe properly next time goddamn it? Addressing her ‘Miss Wong’ is very misleading man… she’s so old, wrinkled and saggy like that. You should address her as Aunty Wong next time… Hahahh”
[I actually quoted 'see lau ee' in Hokkien - which literally translates to 'damn old hag']

Johnson was quiet and did not respond to me at all. His face was as livid as a fish’s belly and his cheeks were intermittently twitching. I initially thought that he must be having a spontaneous food poisoning or something (you know, shit happens). Or maybe he didn’t like my crude and derogatory remarks about Miss Wong, he must have liked her too much I guess. I was like staring at him for approximately 2 seconds. But he’d just stand there without saying a thing.

It was then, I realized that there was somebody standing behind me… because I could see Johnson’s eyes were fixated to something behind me. When I turned around expecting not the worst, I saw Miss Wong looking at me with a cold hard look. She was emotionless, you know, like she had a thousand thoughts running through her mind at that very second. Like a dog. What happened next was pretty blur to me. I kind of forgotten how I reacted but, it was pretty embarrassing.

I just remember that I immediately gave her the documents without saying a thing… and skedaddled the hell out of there, up a few flights of stairs to the workshop. In just 10 - 20 minutes, the news was widespread like a wild fire in workshop and the office. The fellowship of colleagues can be heard laughing like jackasses upon learning about the blunder I had… while I waited with bated breath for the worst to happen.

But it never happened. Miss Wong took it with such a steady sport. In matter of days, it was all forgotten and Miss Wong even treated me a great lunch when I left the company after the holidays. Maybe, Miss Wong wasn’t such a bad person I thought she was after all.

I had plenty of crazy and funny experiences during my employment at Libra. I would be blogging more about it under the title Libra : something

Circa 1994, when I was 17. It was the day I sit for my driving test. Back then, I was required to take a total of 4 tests to get a full pass. One of them was called ‘the uphill test’ - which the examinee was made to drive up a steep slope without fucking up.

Here’s exactly how it goes : The examinee is required to drive the car halfway up a steep slope, and stop when the front wheels of the car are right on top of a box (painted on the slope). Then yank the handbrake and switch off the engine. Examining officer will evaluate if the wheels are inside the box. Once ascertained, the officer will give a signal, and the examinee shall start the engine again and ascent the remaining of the slope from static without stalling or going astern. Only 2 attempts are allowed.

It was a test that dreaded by many but not me. ‘The uphill test’ was way below my standard. To me, it was as easy as lifting my ass cheek to rip out a rhythmic fart. I totally have no problem with it.

But the story I was about to tell, is not really about how awesome I was. It is about something that I witnessed that day. It happened while I was waiting for my turn to sit for that ‘uphill test’.

There was a big crowd waiting for ‘the uphill test’. I had waited the whole morning and I remembered seeing many teenagers around my age failing for that ‘uphill test’. They’re almost all the fucking same boring routine. And most of them were girls. But one of them stood out like a sore dick in a sea of rotten beavers and burned an impression so deep in memory… that I graded it as one of the wackiest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.

The girl was about my age. Scrawny and pale in complexion (probably nervous and very scared). From the moment I saw her, I reckoned that she’s going to chicken out the very last minute, but she got to a good start. She managed to make that car climb up the slope and stop right inside the box. Not bad - I thought. I was probably wrong after all. But I was too quick to judge for the second time that day.

When the examiner flagged for her to start the engine and continue to ascend the slope, she started to get really nervous. I was looking right into her windows when that happened and I could see her sweating like she was in a sauna. She frantically cranked the engine, stepped on her gas pedal and released the fucking handbrake. See what went wrong? She forgot to step on the clutch and engage a gear. The end result was pretty much predictable - the car glided down the slope backwards.

That was when her panic went apex. She went into a temporary stupor… and completely lost her senses to even stop the gliding (backwards and downwards) car! The next few split seconds were really fucking hilarious - now, instead of stepping on the brake pedal, miss panic here decided to climb out of the car window to abandon car (yeah, it didn’t come across her mind that the door can be opened as well). Pretty much like what most doomed sailors would do in the event of the ship sinking. She was about halfway successful doing that when her quick thinking instructor came flying to her rescue and shoved her right back in and grabbed the steering from the windows.

and the only thing that she had in her mind was probably “I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE! I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE!”. She even forgot how to stop the car from gliding further.

“Brake bitch! brake!” the instructor shouted.

But she was too stunned to be able to react to anything. The poor instructor had to stop the car by dragging his feet on the ground for several more meters. The entire blooper reminded me of those goofy actions of superman trying to stop a speeding train.

The blooper got the whole crowd of spectators in stitches - everyone erupted into a fit inducing laugh and there were gallons of tears squirting out from a few hundred eyes. Although I did spare some conscience for that unfortunate girl but it was simply unbearable. It was so downright stupid and dumb, that it’ll be suicidal to suppress myself. So, I decided to fuck it - I laughed hard and suffered some cramps.

After that, she got her second chance to for the uphill test again. With tears still wet in the eyes, the crowd watched in anticipation. But it wasn’t too much of a suspense, as she got the entire thing repeated again. The exact same thing. This time, it wasn’t that mild. The crowd exploded and laughed harder. I myself laughed so fucking hard, that I had to squat down to avoid injury.

It was classic, and somewhat of a relief for the boring afternoon under the hot sun. It was blooper that had to be retold again and again as an unbelievable and yet entertaining story (at the expense of somebody’s misfortune…) And that’s exactly what I did during the lunch break that day, in a nearby shack cafe to a bunch of my new found friends who missed the event (yep, I make friends everywhere I go..). When we’re laughing at the story loudly inside that canteen, I realized that the scrawny girl was just sitting behind me — with a pale & mortified look. Shame on me for being such a tool - I should have looked around before telling my tale…

The girl of course flunked her driving test… along with her self respect and dignity.

Nervous girl… if you are reading this blog from somewhere, I just wanted to say that I was sorry for what I did at the JPJ canteen, and to blog this out…