I watched some Chinese drama on TV with Emily when my notebook broke down. Never fancied watching Chinese drama but then, that was the only thing left for me to do at that time.

Anyway, in the Chinese drama, in one particular scene, there was this girl (the heroine, obviously) who suddenly turned into a dropdead beautiful looking chick during a ballroom function — a deviation from her usual catastrophic appearance. The secret? A score of makeup, hairdo and an expensive dress. The moment I saw the scene, I gave out a smirk.

That was sort of like the moment of truth for me. That scene in the drama was true in every sense — a few artificial ‘modifications’ and touch ups, could change a great deal on one’s appearance. I have seen such occurrences in real life before. It’s all real.

A good example would be annual dinners. I am not sure about other company, but in mine, most of the girls would usually go all out during the dinner. They would do anything to look good on that night. Never mind the expenses. They will put inches of thick make up that could shame a Japanese geisha. They will wear expensive dresses that cost probably more than their basic salary. They would go to the extend to tailor-make their dresses just to be seen in something different. The standard rule of thumb… was to expose as much cleavage as possible. Long term investment - they always say. And that freaking dress would be worn for only ONCE. Cannot be seen wearing it twice or else they will be cursed with terminal stage herpes on their tushy. And if they own any jeweleries at all — this would also be the night for them to flaunt them all out. They will pick the biggest and most sparkling motherfucking of all jeweleries.

And what is beauty without an exquisite hairstyle? Right, they will spend a few hundred bucks for a customized hairstyle for the dinner… and they always come in various weird shapes that was copied from top fashion magazines. Some would look so weird that they resembled those zinc awnings - extending out of their head like that. And their hairdo’s are always laden with a few hundred gallons of hairsprays and unknown chemicals, that could trap insects (in some rare occasions, even small flying mammals - e.g. bats, flying foxes)

Then come to shoes. High heel is the standard. 4 inches, 5 inches and for some ballet dancers, they would even wear 6 - 7 inches — almost making them a whole length of head taller than any puzzled blokes. Guys have to look up (suffering neck problems) in order to talk to them - as if they’re walking on stilts. That explains why the guys always prefer to look at their boobs rather than looking up at their faces to talk with them. And yet, the guys are always mistaken as perverts that ogle at boobies… when they are actually trying not to hurt themselves

Alright, my point is — reiterated — the world is full of deception (if you’re not already aware). If you want to find yourself a girlfriend or a life partner, avoid ballroom functions or annual dinners at all cost. Those pretty ladies in the ballrooms are nothing more than a walking mammal full of expensive chemicals on a wig… and stilts.

Trust me. Hold back your adrenaline and testosterone. Prevention is better than cure (unless you’re gay).

As we all know, men are always fascinated with women’s body. For girls - having a great looking set of hardware and a perfect body shape means, having high self esteem and towering confidence. It gives them the much coveted attention… social status… and unlimited advantages that money can’t buy. You get the idea.

But not all girls are that fortunate to be blessed with such perfection. Kotex is one of them. Who is Kotex? Kotex is a young girl who works in my company which I’m going to tell you about. You see, if this Kotex girl were to stand straight and lean against a broom closet, no one would be able to differentiate her from a broomstick. She’s basically like a barren land with no water. She has a body with no fun parts to play with at all. Airport. Flat rear. But then, she does have an ok face… so, it kind of balance out the odds.

But Kotex doesn’t want to be just another girl next door. She wants people to think her as a hot entity. To be airport and nearly devoid of a functional ass (errmmm, an ass’ for groping, right?), is something that she cannot live with. So, she worked out a solution herself. She changed her posture, in a way she thought that will create an illusion to unsuspecting guys that she is well endowed - by deliberately stick out her chest to the front, and pull her derriere to the far back (an ‘S’ shape, if you can imagine)

So, whenever there are guys in proximity, this Kotex girl will assume that ‘S’ posture, and would plod around like she’s doing a catwalk. It was both hilarious and disgusting at the same time. Her posture was so downright ridiculous, that it reminded me of an advice given to me by my physiotherapist - wrong posture could lead to many kinds of health problems… like back ache, arthritis, osteoporosis, bronchitis, halitosis, tuberculosis, syphilis…. just.. anything that ends with -is.

And because she had to stick out her chest so far in front, she’ll actually need to walk faster to counter the forward tilt, and to maintain that balance, she will also need to bob her head (like a pigeon) *The science behind why pigeons bob their head while walking — their leg and posterior was situated too far behind from the head, that they actually have to bob their head to maintain the balance

But she do not walk like that. She would just tilt forward and walk faster. She’s like, risking her health for the sake of having that artificial look. Gosh. All these for the attention of the opposite sex. She could have chosen to streak across the office, it would have had the same effect… minus the health hazard. Or perhaps, she could use some rubber buffer inside her bra… or a few boxes of Kleenex as the cheaper alternative…

Such is the mentality of women nowadays. *shakes head.*

My colleague BigSnake recently had a crush on a girl. She is an accountant at my workplace, and apparently, is quite well known for her hot looks and totally awesome body.

When we were returning from our lunch today, BigSnake remarked about his unbelievably frequent encounter with that pretty accountant in an euphoric tone…

BigSnake : “I don’t know if this is just me, guys… but I noticed that I kept running into that Hot Accountant every morning. I mean, what are the odds? I have a feeling that this is more than just coincidence. Aren’t I lucky?”

Me : “So… are you implicating to us that it is FATE that is at work here?”

BigSnake : “If fate describes this the best, then yeah. I think this is a sign hinting that we are meant to be together”

He then stared upwards at the sky… as if he’s expecting something some snowflakes to fall down, but then I’m sure he just wanted to make the whole thing sound lofty.

Me : “Oh… pardon me but, are you saying that you think both of you are destined to be together, just because you noticed that you have been stumbling into her quite frequent recently?”

BigSnake : “YES.”

Me : “Then, what about those obese security guards stationed at the employee entrance? You stumble into them every morning as well… right?”

BigSnake : “No, that’s different.”

Me : “Why would it be different? Just because the guards are fatter and uglier, then FATE won’t pair you up with them?”

BigSnake : “I think you’re just jealous.”

Me : “I stumble into my neighbor’s maid every morning… does that mean both of us are meant to be together?”

BigSnake : “Aiyaa… both of you live at the same area maaa… for sure the chance of stumbling into each other will be higher.”

Me : “Well, aren’t you and Hot Accountant working in the same building? Doesn’t that make a higher chance to stumble into each other?”

BigSnake : “…”

Bull’s eye.

When I went for my routine physio last night, the pretty nurse attempted to start a conversation with me again.

“Hey.. was the sky dark when you came?” the nurse asked.
“Errr… it’s night time now. So I guess it has to be dark.” –> it was 9.20pm
“No, I mean if it’s cloudy. You know, dark and heavy clouds?”
“I couldn’t tell. It is night time, and it’s dark outside, remember?”
“Hmm. The air con is too cold in here. I wonder if it’s going to rain soon…”
“You ride a bike to work?”
“Yeah. Apparently I am not wealthy enough to own a car…”
“You can always ask the physiotherapist to fetch you home…”
“He’s off to a different direction. He doesn’t pass by my place.”
“Oh, in that case, I guess that you’ll have to use an umbrella on your bike if it rains”
“I’m not that skillfull to balance that on a bike… blaa blaa… wind… accident…”

I lost my concentration after that… because I was having an upset stomach right then. Since I was having a physio session, I was trying very hard to hold my sphincter from ripping a nasty fart - for it’ll be catastrophic for the nurse and the unfortunate patrons there.

Now that I am thinking about the conversation, I was pretty sure that the nurse was hinting that I should fetch her home last night. Man, she’s so gonna get laid if I was single… But too bad, I’m already attached to my lovely wife, and I definitely do not need that right now. (but hell, why didn’t she show up when I was young, single and desperate?) Damn.

After having our Chinese New Year break for about 5 days, the Chinese community are finally resuming to their normal life. So, as scheduled, I had to go for my physiotherapy today

Pretty nurse : “Happy Chinese New Year! Any angpow for me?” [angpow = red gift packets containing cash, very popular in Chinese customs]

Me : **Smiles** “Errrm… no… I’m not qualified yet”

I frigging lied.

Pretty nurse : “Oh… so you’re still single?”

Me : “Ahaks… yeah. Do I look like a married guy to you?”

Pretty nurse : **giggles..**

Me : “I like the way you giggled…”

Pretty nurse : **face blushes… giggles somemore**

Me : “Say… what time do you finish your shh.. aaa aaaa aaa **Sneeze!**”

Pretty nurse : “Ohh… you caught a cold, you poor thing.”

Me : “Yeah … **sniff**… partied too hard during the holidays.”

Pretty nurse : “You should take more vitamic C… and party less” **serious look on her face**

Me : “Awww… that’s so sweet of you… **Sneeeeezeee!!!**”

And the next thing I knew, her face was covered with slime and semi solid pieces of greenish mucus. She instantly lost the appeal of an angel… Ughh.

Alright… if you can’t tell, I made all that up. Only certain parts of the conversation are true.
- I indeed caught a very bad cold
- the nurse indeed wished me a Happy New Year and asked for an angpow.
- the nurse indeed asked me to take more vitamic C when she found out about my cold

The rest are fabricated by my idling mind during the boring session of my physiotherapy.