Yesterday, Eric drove the gang out for lunch. He was doing only 30 - 40kph on the freeway, no cars in front. Needless to say, the number of cars getting hogged behind him started to grow in number, and I started to feel under pressure as I used to hoot road hoggers like Eric. I had to suppress myself from confronting Eric or say anything at all… I just pressed my palms together and closed my eyes… you know, controlled breathing and stuff, just so that I don’t get into the mad mode.

I did that until I reached my ‘Q’ point, where my thoughts became disoriented and felt really sorry for myself… then let it out - I yelled at Eric.

Me : “For fuck’s sake, Eric, drive faster… you’re hogging the goddamn road man…”

Eric did not answer me nor speed his car up as he should. I was like talking to a dead pig. Obviously, he was doing some thinking there, and I know, whenever he does that, he will slow the fuck down. Like he has only a finite resource to do one thing at a time… and if he’s thinking, the car will have to slow down. I commented further to BigSnake, who was sitting at the backseat together with Blackie:

Me : “Dude… how long do you think it will take to reach KL, if we were to appoint Eric as the driver? 8 hours?”

BigSnake : “Hard to say man… that’s a very difficult question. But for sure, it would be a bad idea to let him drive…”

Eric then quipped…

Eric : “It will take me 9 hours… heheheh”

BigSnake : “Hey… just concentrate on your driving lah! Can’t you just step on your accelerator harder? You’re driving way too fucking slow…”

Eric : “Relax man… my speed’s alright”

Blackie then intervened,

Blackie : “Yeah I agree… I think Eric’s driving at a very reasonable speed”

I was pissed at that statement

Me : “What the fuck?? 40kph on the freeway is reasonable?? You’re way beyond ridiculous, moron. He’s hogging the goddamn road!!”

BigSnake was on my side,

BigSnake : “Now I know why are there so many traffic jams… it’s because we have so many retards like both of you around…”

That was about the time BigSnake and I realized that half of our lunch members here are lame drivers. Hogging the road/freeway was only part of their life, and there are many more.

I wish to state this very clearly - we only take our lunch with these people… them and their fucked up driving has nothing to do with us, or me. Period.

Weather: fine and windy.

After our lunch today, we went to our usual place for cendol. Then came a scrawny girl (who looks like one of the dehydrated carcass in Nat Geo’s “Mummy Road Show”) in her office uniform - who then stood by the side of the cendol stall waiting for the cendol peddler to pack her takeaway orders. She had this peevish look on her face, as if she had just lost her underwear in a bet.

As usual, I began to give a quick review on her. I told the guys “That girl is a party goer. Look at the piercings on her ear”. Eric was checking her out as I was reporting my observation, “See her eyes? They have dark rims, lack of sleep. Her legs are a bit muscular, dance too much. A confirmed regular clubber.”

“Yeah … her legs are muscular. Too big.” Apparently, Eric spoke too loud to pique the girl’s attention, which she reacted by giving us this disdainful look. We could tell that she’s already having a bad enough day, only to be made worse by our group.

Anyway, then along came this guy named Guan. Guan’s from our workplace and he’s also Eric’s employee. Guan dropped by the cendol stall and he was standing beside the sourpuss girl. Guan saw us from the stall and greeted us “What’s up guys? Enjoying your cendol?”.

Eric then cheekily replied him loudly “Yeah. Dog milk cendol. You know how they make the cendol? They milk the dog [pointing at a stray dog] and mix it with coconut milk. That’s why the taste is different”. He was of course bullshitting, but it made us laugh very hard.

Sourpuss girl of course heard the whole exchange and apparently, she didn’t take it very well. She should be laughing but instead, she looked horrified. It was as if she believed every word Eric said and yet, she’s trying to hold back at those terrible thoughts of having animal parts in the cendol. Eric on the other hand, was slurping his cendol away happily while grinning wryly at Guan.

We left the place before the sourpuss girl did. But Guan was still waiting for his takeaway beside the girl. When Blackie strolled his car past the stall, I jokingly dared Eric to wind down the window to tease Guan. And Eric did it.

Eric wound down the window and shouted at the top of his lungs “Guan! We know you are pretending there! Why wait man? Just tackle her lahhh! Ahhahahahah !”. The girl looked even funnier when she heard Eric. It was that deer-in-the-spotlight kind of look, you know, totally dumbfucked. We’re laughing so hard that Blackie almost swerved his car into the opposite traffic.

Who would have thought that a man at Eric’s age (mid 40’s) who is also a top executive in a multinational company could behave like a complete schmuck? Not at all man.

Yesterday, during lunchtime, Blackie wanted to buy another batch of milk powder for his chowhound son.

Me : “What the hell?? Your son finished that last batch of milk powder already? He’s more expensive than maintaining a beemer man!”

Blackie : “He is growing up maaa…”

BigSnake : “Fucking unbelievable.”

Me : “Yeah, you could have kept a herd of cows at your home. Milk them fresh whenever your son gets hungry. It would be way cheaper than buying so much milk powder every month…”

Blackie : “Come on guys… that’s ridiculous. How could feeding a herd of cows be any cheaper than buying milk powder? That’s just bullshit.”

Doug : “Use your brain lah. Cows only eat grass. That means, you don’t have to worry about mowing your lawn. I think it’s a great idea.”

[note: Doug is Blackie's boss.]

BigSnake : “And you can use its dung as organic fertilizer for your garden.”

Me : “When your son is bored, he can even piggy ride them like a cowboy. You’ll save more money on toys.”

The idea was gradually becoming more and more plausible as one comment leads to another. Blackie was totally dumbfucked. He just did not know what to say. Doug then continued further.

Doug : “And when your cow runs out of milk, you can also cut it up and eat them. If you can’t finish the whole cow, you can give out the parts to us.”

It was then Eric broke his silence…

Eric : “Hahah! yeah! give the parts to us. I want the cow’s penis. Sup torpedo lembu!”

Everyone suddenly stopped and became confused. It lasted a short while before Doug chided Eric for his senseless comment

Doug : “Dude! How could it be possible for a cow to have a dick!?”

By that time, everyone was already having an epileptic fit laughing at Eric. He sure had hit a boner this time. Luckily, the incident occurred before we actually took our lunch, else, I would be spending my entire day cleaning up pukes inside my car.

My lunch members and I were patronizing the cendol stall as usual today, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of a lady ambling along towards the cendol stall. What actually piqued my attention, was her hair, which was unusually orange in color, just like that Fifth-Element girl… Her hair covered about 80% of her face, giving her all this enigmatic profile. Her head was attached to a great, with a miniskirt short enough to make you wish you were shorter than Danny DeVito.

So, I gave Eric an elbow nudge - to check her out. She got all of our attentions alright, with her hair and stuff. Our cendol spoons were left static in the bowl, all activities ceased. It was like something out from a movie… you know, where everything seems surreal, with a fine exotic unicorn for us to ogle at.

Eric, being the most prolific pervert in the group, was particularly enjoying the sight… he was literally hypnotized, to the verge of willing to part with his car (junk anyway). The shaved ice in his cendol was melting fast and he didn’t give a shit about it. It looked as if he wanted to salvage every single second studying every inch of that chick and immortalize the image of her in his mind for later fappings.

And then it happened.

Eric choked. The green worm-like cendol almost came out from his nostrils like he had just caught a fit of epilepsy. And then in a more bizarre twist to the sight, the same occurred to the rest of the members as well. LeRoy had a big vein popping up on his temple like he’s about to have a heart attack. Blackie was petrified, with a very seriously dumbfucked look. BigSnake’s face was as pale as that McDonald’s fucking clown.

And it got me real scared to see my friends like this. Was that the cendol were poisoned? If it’s really poisoned, then why weren’t I affected? What the fuck is going on??

It happened to me soon enough. I first felt this sudden tingling sensation, which eventually turned into a feeling nausea, and then my facial muscles started twitching. It’s hard to describe but, it was about the same when Michael Jackson turns into a zombie in the Thriller MTV. And all these happened in the following millisecond after Eric got his epilepsy fit. I didn’t even have enough time to decipher what triggered this domino effect. Then, it began to make sense.

It was that miss 5th Element. It was that hidden part of her face. Shockingly gruesome. She has got to be the most fucking ugly creature I’ve ever seen in my entire life (up to that point).

As we recover from the shock, we all started to choke and barf out green pieces of cendol. Eric even had tears rolling down his cheek… and then he started to laugh like shit and quoted “FUCK!! hahahah!!! We’re conned! She looked like something that escaped from the chicken coop truck!”. We quickly regained our composure to laugh out loud with Eric.

The sight of that girl was beyond words. It was a classic example on how cosmetics and props can deceive even the most veteran blokes out there. And today’s experience was definitely a lesson meant to be learned the hard way - and me blogging this for the benefit of others. I swear I’m not going to judge a book by its cover ever again.

While I was out for lunch with the guys today, Eric saw a couple of dogs mating by the road side and made this remark:

“Well, how nice it is to be a dog. If you saw any bitch you like, you can just go ahead to mount & hump it indiscriminately without worrying anything about responsibility. See bitch, hump bitch. So simple. Definitely better than being a human. Fuck.”

We almost choked ourselves into comatose from laughing.

Apparently, he has been facing this trouble with a female colleague, whom he had admired for quite sometime - we’ll call her Peg (a good looker in her early 30’s). But this is only known amongst his ring of lunch buddies.

It appears that recently, there has been a negative development between Eric and the chick. Eric somehow noticed that every time he went near Peg, she would immediately distant herself from Eric - as if she knows about Eric having wet fantasies about her. He was like, a walking chick repellent - chicks would dive for cover with him in proximity. He walks near, she disappears, you get the idea.

And this, has made Eric a very distraught man. At some point, he even got to the state of asking everyone if we had said anything bad about him to Peg. Needless to say, none of us did. She must have learned about it through some other medium. Probably from Eric’s lewdy body language itself. You know, he has this really kinky way of scanning female bodies, as if he is trying to mentally rape the subject with his super x-ray vision. So, it isn’t hard for anyone to suspect. Especially Peg. He must have too carried away at one time (drooling) until his disguise gave way and scared the shit out of Peg. He’s probably in Peg’s ‘pervert-to-lookout’ list by now and the alert shared amongst her female colleagues…

Poor Eric.

And that’s why he took on the canine free sex practice. It was not a homage to the dogs. It was a disguised lamentation about his unfortunate fate. I was about to tell him that dogs lick their own balls and anus… but I guess I should leave the poor man alone. I shouldn’t rub salt on his already wounded self esteem.