Yesterday evening, while I was walking with Emily to dinner,

Emily : “Omg… that is sure a weird looking dog!”

Me : “Yeah, isn’t that suppose to be a Dalmatian?”

Emily : “I don’t know. If it is a Dalmatian, then why is it purple in color?”

Yep. That’s right. We actually saw a purple colored dog. Well, not exactly entirely purple but, just purple at some parts of its body. The head was murky white in color and I could see some black Dalmatian spots at the lower half of its body. But then, it didn’t really look like a Dalmatian though. It looked more like an ordinary stray mongrel. Probably had the Dalmation genes in it.

So, why was the dog purple in color? Obviously, the color was not natural. It could have ended on the dog’s body accidentally. Like maybe, the dog slept under a pair of dripping wet jeans, and the color from the jeans could transfered onto the dog through the dripping water. Or this could be the work of mischievous kids who probably sprayed the white dog with paint… just like what we did to Skippy the cat.

Or the dog could be a product of natural mutation. You know, its mother could have scavenged for food near an area teeming with industrial waste, and gave birth to this purple dog here. You never know what chemicals could do to biological beings in the long term. Don’t be surprised if one day, we start to see green cats, blue lizards or fluorescent pink chickens on a street somewhere. (or the dog could be an alien from outer space sent to spy on us?)

Whatever the reason is, that is sure a weird looking dog.

My wife Emily, she has a friend who has a big ass. But that’s not something relevant to what I’m about to write here… just a side observation.

Anyway, this friend of her’s? Let’s call her Sweety for convenience’s sake. She is in her late 20’s, tall, slim, long haired, quite decent looking and for some unknown reason, she’s still single. And gosh, she sure is desperate for a boyfriend. So desperate, that she’ll go to the extreme of asking around her friends… if they know any guy who is looking for a girlfriend - “hey, you girls know of any bloke who is single, caring, handsome, rich, loving and yet available? If yes… can introduce him to me?”

And of course, she would get responses like “no girl .. you read too much fairy tales” or “they don’t exist anymore”.

So, being her friend and kind hearted people, Emily and I did her a favor a few years back, we organized for a social gathering event in a karaoke joint with the BODs. (BOD = Board Of Directors, my closest of close buddies). As they were all pretty much single back then, I expected that there would sparks with at least one of them. But the outing turned out to be a total flop, as the event sort of unexpectedly became an alcohol drinking competition between us guys. One of the guys told me in his most drunken state, that Sweety was too domestic, which he unreservedly refer as “highschool student”… and hinted they wanted something wild with plenty excitement and sex. (like, who doesn’t??)

And there was a second attempt. I match made my colleague BigSnake with Sweety, and it didn’t work out as well. Now this colleague of mine, BigSnake, is the type of guy that would simply dig any garbage he sees. He would hook up with anything indiscriminately and so, I thought matchmaking both of them would be a good idea. But the relationship ended after a few dates, and poor Sweety was out searching again. That was when I started to suspect that there must be something about her that repels the guys off. But I wasn’t sure. Until recently.

After the failure with Bigsnake, Sweety met another guy whom she deliriously claimed to be ‘THE ONE’. He allegedly could charm her like a bitch emitting its pheromone that attracts dogs from all over the neighborhood. Only that he’s of the opposite sex and she’s having him all by herself. He purportedly was a gentleman, would accompany her 24/7, humorous and was one in a million.

So, she finally found herself a good guy. Or so it seemed. The relationship started out fine for only a few months, before she discovered that the was beginning to turn into someone she didn’t think he was. The guy started to have his own things to do, have his own buddies to hang out with, was spending less than a few hours with her in a week and probably even farted in front of her. That got Sweety really upset, to realize that her prince charming was in fact nothing more than an average Joe (or a frog). That was when she did something crazy - she began to bombard the guy with nasty SMS’s and eventually, got Joe really pissed off and he finally dumped her.

Sweety came to Emily wailing like a banshee about her misfortune. In between her tears, she iterated that she wanted to have babies before reaching 30 (and that kinda scared the shit out of me a bit) and time is really running out for her. Emily was in dilemma. She’s not a guy and she wasn’t in the best position to give Sweety the best advice. And then it would be awkward for Sweety to express such things in front of me - because this was such a delicate girl-thing.

So the best way that I could help, was to dispense some advice through my proxy, Emily, to her - on tips to understand a typical guy. And since I’m such a great guy by nature, I’m doing this en masse, by making them available in my blog for reference here. I figured, that this probably might be of help for some desperate single girls out there… who knows.
Disclaimer : The list of advices is based on my 26 years experience of being a GUY. If you’re the kind of person that is sensitive over gender related discussions/debates, I would strongly suggest you to stop here, and go somewhere else.

Here they are, the key things to win a man’s heart, in no particular order.

1) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.
2) Guys love to see his own girl pretty. So, judge what to wear best and groom yourself well.
3) Guys hate girls that gripe incessantly in a date. Nonsense like what you and your friends talked about on the phone. Try to converse naturally.
4) Try not to get over excited easily. Guys love to see their girls act like a matured woman, not a retarded teenager who snorts basically with any absurd joke she hears.
5) Bad breath is the most destructive element in a relationship. Do something about your breath (as we guys do).
6) Being quiet doesn’t make you a debonair person. Guys prefer an interesting conversation anytime over “sitting around staring at the stars and listening to the wind blows”.
7) If a guy happens to bring you to a restaurant, for heaven’s sake, PLEAASSEE… finish your fucking food. Or at least try to. Guys will not think that you’re a slim and fit bombshell when you don’t fucking eat… but would feel absofuckinglutely annoyed, if you waste his money by not eating.
Try not to act desperate. Guys love challenges. They will know how to work their way up towards winning your heart (that is, if you’re up to their expectation). You don’t feed the tigers, you let them hunt. Same thing. If they don’t hunt you, you’re probably not good enough. Just fuck off.
9) Don’t try to act like you’re very smart, even if you are. The key idea, is not to outsmart the guy even if he is dimwitted. If you like the guy, and you want the relationship to work, let him outsmart you. He’d feel the love. (I reckon this shouldn’t be hard if you’re in love with that dimwit)
10) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.

Alright, that should do it. Enough to leave a good impression for a second follow up date.

If you’re offended or pissed with what I’ve just written, I’m sorry… go fuck yourself or something.

I began my Saturday by sending my car for servicing and then went to visit dad at Hospice. Dad isn’t looking good. His health is deteriorating fast and he looks very tired and has a slurry speech. His stomach is now bloated with fluids and has swollen legs. I couldn’t explain how bad it feels to see your own father suffering like that. I just don’t know how to put this whole thing in words…

Anyway, after visited dad, I drove back to Emily’s hometown in Perak as schedule. It was raining very heavily on the highway and the driving experience was unpleasant. Could hardly see the goddamn road. Reached at about noon and I began my suffering from thence.

Imagine, this was what I had to endure - no tv, no entertainment, no internet connection and heck, even no mobile phone signals. I spent the whole day sitting around doing nothing. Wanted to help out in the kitchen, but there was already a maid there. Wanted to help out in the shop (yes, Emily’s family lives in a business shophouse) - but they’ve got enough helpers already.

And the place was also littered with kids - Emily’s nephews and nieces. They were running around and screaming like there is not going to be another tomorrow. With so many kids around, I kept finding myself stepping on some unidentified objects on the floor - pukes, bread crumbs, grains of rice, you name it.

And for the whole day, they would watch the same video program over and over again - you know, the kind where one gets to see some stupid clown doing absurd stuffs to amuse kids and teaches them how to spell B-O-R-I-N-G at the same time. The person who invented that children educational video ought to be hung and shot repeatedly. I really can’t understand… we’ve already got so many nurseries, kindergartens and schools to educate our children (and they are expensive). Why the fuck would we need more educational videos for kids then? If the educational videos are so good, then why bother sending them to nurseries or kindergartens?

Anyway, being there was like my worst nightmare came true. After being in torment for a day, I was quick to urge Emily to leave the place immediately after my breakfast this morning. And we’re back in Penang in no time, and then I went to visit my ailing dad.

He started to sleep a lot now. His condition has worsened from the day before. I don’t know but, I think I’m going to lose my dad very soon. His time is almost up. I can feel it. And I’m very sad right now.

I hope dad will get over his sufferings soon, and then leave in peace.

I sent an SMS to Emily yesterday (while she’s at work) :
‘dear, dun get mad at me, ok ? i’m sorry bout yesterday. I love you’

Her SMS reply:
‘dun worry..i’m ok now … but u owe me one big thing for not picking me up on time and let me wait. i love you too’

Owe her one big thing? Now that has to be the scariest thing a guy can ever hear from his girl. I reckon that she must already have something in her mind. She’s making use of this situation to trap me up. The “I love you too” phrase at the end of her message sounded so lifeless. At that moment, I am making a few thousands interpretations from her simple SMS reply. What’s the big thing that i am owing her?

Well, when she came home to wake me up from my deep sleep yesterday, we had a “one to one” talk.

“why did u consume when you already know that you need to fetch me??”

“it was my best friend’s farewell… and we had a few drinks. come on… it was just a party got out of control… ”
(you see, in situations like this, EVERYONE is your BEST FRIEND)

“did your so-called ‘best friend’ know that you need to fetch me up?” she asked.

“yeah, i told him. oh come on, it’s not my friend’s fault. It was my stupid boss.”
(i was trying to divert the blame to Rob here, because she knows I hate him very much. I’m wicked.)

“your boss?? he asked you to drink THAT much meh ??”

“nope. It was CK that told me that he would take off his shirt in public when he’s drunk enough… heheheh”
(laughing hysterically, apparently, i’m still a bit intoxicated.)

“who is CK ?”

“CK is that best friend of mine who’s leaving lor,… ok ok … let’s stop all these interrogation thingy, ok? I’m sorry”

“you owe me one big thing..”

The much dreaded word came out from her mouth right before my ears. I was like “Nooooooo … not thatttttt !!!”

“alright… and what’s that?”

She wanted me to accompany her to return to her hometown in Perak - a place with no entertainment, no internet connection, limited tv programmes, no friends, no mobile phone signals…
It’s like living in a deserted island with nothing. I’m going to fester to death there…
This is not looking good for me…

Lesson learnt : Do not mess with your loved ones. The consequences can be very dire…

Sunday - One of my department manager, Pete, organized a farewell karaoke party for one of our departing engineer - CK.

3pm - arrived at Red Box KTV.

3.20pm - I started off the party by singing few songs using my “super golden voice of mesmerizing”. The guys were charmed. We toasted a few pints of beers. It was nothing.

4pm - Some of our Taiwanese supplier joined us. Our crowd grew into over 20 heads. The beers were finishing fast.

4.10pm - CK and Pete also invited their boy toys - a couple of KTV girls whom they befriended some weeks ago. I was not sure why they were so excited about the girls because they definitely looked like overdressed sewer lizards to me. They were an eyesore. The rest of us eased off the pain by toasting a few more pints of beer.

4.30pm - My super “golden voice of mesmerizing” did it’s magic again. The KTV girls were charmed. They bowed in deep respect to my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. We toasted a few beers but that still didn’t improve their outlook for me.

4.35pm - SaltyFish (our really big boss) arrived. He missed my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. It was his loss. He should try to be more punctual next time.

4.45pm - CK ordered whiskey. The party started to get real. None of us was focusing on the singing except my colleague AssTee. He sang like Elvis… with plenty of action… but he needed to learn more about rhythm and timing.

5pm - Emily called me up. She said she will be arriving from her Langkawi trip in 45mins. I was suppose to pick her up at the mainland.

5.10pm - I challenged Rob (my undead boss) for a bottoms up. CK told me Rob had a record of taking off his shirt in public when he’s drunk. I was laughing so hard that I almost dropped my glass.

5.15pm - We finished 2 bottles of whiskey. I’m blitzed. I asked the KTV girls to get more education. SaltyFish told them to finish their Standard 6 level first. They took the joke well and we toasted a few rounds. I’m still very uncomfortable with how they looked.

5.30pm - CK & one of the lizards were slow dancing in front of the KTV screen. I couldn’t see the screen. I took one of AssTee’s shoe and pitched towards the lizard. It hit her lardy ass and I was penalized by finishing a glass of neat whiskey.

5.40pm - I had to leave the party. I’m seriously blitzed and needed to sober up to drive (I was suppose to fetch Emily).

6.00pm - Emily called, and I was still looking for my car. She was furious. She told me that she will be hitching her colleague’s car home and I better have a good explanation of what’s was going on. I realized then I’m in serious trouble.

6.30pm - I reached home and passed out. (miraculously, I drove all the way home by myself…)

I only managed to wake up around 7am this morning with a serious hangover. I made an SMS to my colleagues that I’m not coming to work.

And I have yet to make any explanation to Emily about why I didn’t pick her up yesterday. But I guess I need not to do that anymore as she would have been able to tell by herself, what actually happened to me.