Before I headed out for a karaoke function with my colleagues today, I had a few fruits of durians. That proved to be a big mistake, as when I reached the karaoke joint, my stomach was literally full of gas, and I was suppressing myself hard not to belch or fart during the function.

But there was only so much my physical self can hold, and during one part of the function, some gas actually leaked out from my mouth. I bet many of you know how bad does a durian belch smells. Not wanting to embarrass myself, I tried to release the gas out from my mouth little by little, some through my nostrils and some through the corner of my mouth - in hope that a small quantity of it would disperse quick enough for anyone to notice. But it didn’t work. The durian belch odor immediately filled the room, and my colleagues were all caught by surprise. Some took a frantic dash out of the room and some covered their nose with serviettes or whatever they could grab.

I thought I was in trouble, and was ready to face the flak from the irated bunch… but then, somebody from the group raise up a hand and apologized. It was Lily. She told everyone that she had some durians before attending the function, and that she could have burped without knowing it. Before I could even take the time to check my conscience to own up the crime, Lily was cast out by the rest of the members to clean up her stinking mouth and purge all her gas before returning to the room… Poor Lily.

Well, I didn’t give much thought about it after that and moved on… until now…

Lily… if you are reading this, I’m sorry. I was the one who belched hell inside the karaoke room. Please forgive me.

There was once a friend sent me a URL while I was shirking around the office. Thinking that it might be something of interest, I clicked at the URL without giving much thought. It was a flash site, and not long after it started loading, a scene of a cartoonish old woman appeared… and then it happened.

All out of a sudden, my speaker blasted out this ‘ketchup song’ loud. It went like, “Le je… Le je…” or something, and the granny started to do some really absurd hand flailing dance on my screen (full screen). The most unfortunate thing was, I had this Altec Lansing home theater system hooked up on my office table, and as a result of that, half the office actually heard what was going on in my cube.

For a second or two, I didn’t know what to do. I was literally stunned. And then panic sets in, and I was fumbling to find a way to close the fucking thing from doing further damage. But because I was panicking, nothing seemed to work. The ketchup song would continue to pump out loud through the entire office floor. Curious heads started to pop up from cubes to see who was sledgehammering the office with a loud-fucking-speaker… I continued to look for ways to end the whole thing and finally, decided to unplug my Altec Lansing speaker to stop the whole disastrous episode from jeopardizing my career.

And there it was… the granny… still doing her ketchup dance on my screen, with sounds unplugged. But the damage had already been done. Some of my colleagues were already annoyed… while some were laughing at my ass off for being such a dolt. My reputation went down a few notches after that day. But then, I was very grateful, now that I think that the situation could have been worse. If it was porn that I was loading, and the noise projected out from my speaker were to be pornstars moaning in climax… I would have lost my fucking job right away.

Hate it when things like this happens. Sites with intrusive sounds. Man those shit should be made illegal. They make our lives difficult.

My ailing knee is getting worse and I finally went for another checkup today. The physiotherapist recommended for an MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scan, as he suspected that I might have a torn ligament. I was about to tell him that my pocket’s torn too, and if this is going to cost me a leg, then I might as well live with the ailing knee. But before I could tell him that, he told me of a good news - that both the scan and treatment are fully claimable with my medical insurance.

Since I do not have to pay a single cent, I agreed to go for the scan. I had to travel to another location in town to do it.

Once I was inside the MRI clinic, I was greeted by 2 young nurses. One of the nurses, gave me a set of verbal questionnaire prior the scan. I was made to answer all sorts of questions - am I a smoker? did I pierce my body parts? do I have earrings or any metal parts inside my body? And of course, all my answers were ‘No’. But the nurse kept repeating the ‘body piercing’ question, as if she couldn’t believe that I’m clean. Maybe I looked like a punk to her. Whatever.

Then I was led into a room where the other nurse asked me to change to a green robe. The green robe was the type where you’re to wear it by slotting in through the front. Like a semi-poncho or something. And I looked ridiculous with that thing on. I looked like a dolt in it, especially with a shower cap on (yes, they made me wear a shower cap as well). I was then ushered towards a small room, and while I was walking along the long corridor, I heard some giggling behind me. I was the nurses. They’re laughing at me from behind, probably because my ass was exposed from behind (the stupid robe)… It was humiliating (now that I think of it, I should have ripped a badass fart right then)

Once I was in the MRI scan room, I was asked to lie down on a flat table and had my leg strapped like I was about to be raped or something. Once the strap was secured, I was electrically conveyed into a machine that resembled a giant coffee maker. Once I was inside there, the doctor bellowed through the microphone to ask me “Stop moving or your scan will be affected”. I wasn’t even moving, I was strapped… remember? I had to lie down very still for 40 minutes, half naked and it was cold. My nipples were rock hard and my strapped leg was numb. For the first time in my life, I felt like a lab rat… all for that stupid knee.

Well, fast forward an hour later, I finally got out of there and got the result. The scan revealed that my knee suffered some kind of condition called ‘plica syndrome’ (no it’s not a form of retardation you motherfucking cheebye). The doctor tried to explain in detail to me but I could not register anything at all. So, the layman term that I would use to describe my knee is - a fucked up knee that doesn’t need no surgery. And that’s good enough for me. I just need to take some medication and follow 10 sessions of physiotherapy to make it well again.

But it means nothing much to me. All I wanted was a good night sleep. The knee had caused enough sleepless night for me… and if this doesn’t work, I’m gonna have to fucking die.

Today, Kermit organized a trip to a local R&D (Research & Development) lab to learn about some technology shit. There were 12 participants in total - Rob included.

Our host was a middle aged Malay chap, who seemed to be quite knowledgeable about the things he do. He’d walk us through the premise with detailed elaboration. It was an eye opener for most of us. Except Rob. Rob the motherfucker, saw it as an opportunity for him to get some attention…

As usual and expected, he would ask a lot of stupid questions (to the host). I don’t know why he always does that. Maybe he thought that by asking a lot of questions, people would think highly of him or something like that. But they always don’t. Instead, it is more like a reassurance (again and again) that he’s a real dimwit. Somebody that has the intelligence of a retard, but somehow, was able to control his movements like any normal person.

But today, I had enough of his antiques. Couldn’t stand that dipshit no more and decided to mock him. The opportunity came when we were all packed into the same elevator, and all of us heard Rob asking more obtuse questions:

“So Mr Fauzy … you’re from USM?” *USM=University of Science Malaysia

“Yes. I’m from USM” Fauzy the host, clearly wasn’t very comfortable with Rob.

“That’s great… I was from USM too. So, you studied mechanical there?”

“No. I majored in [some chemical shits which I do not remember]” Fauzy was trying to keep it short.

“Oh, interesting. I studied Minerals…” Rob responded. He said that with a smug on his face, as if that was the most important thing he ever achieved in his life, besides not being a biological retard.

That was when, I decided to add something to it. I uttered softly, but loud enough for everyone in the cramped elevator to hear, “Mineral water… he studied mineral water… by looking at them”. My remarks triggered simultaneous sniggers inside the elevator.

Rob attempted to redeem his image by correcting me - “No, no, not mineral water… it’s…” He could not even finish that last sentence… because everyone of us were too busy laughing at his ass. Some shed tears… and some were seen banging their heads against the wall. I made him looked like a kid who had shit in his pants that day and he kinda slowed down in firing his questions to the host.

All I can say is, ahhhh… what a sweet revenge. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect… as he will be leaving us next week. I would have gotten anymore chance after that. And he won’t be able to do anything about it now… but to live with this humiliation for as long as he can remember.

While I was walking to my car at my workplace parking lot today (going home), I took notice of a young Malay lady in this ridiculously modified Kancil. The car had a big noisy muffler, probably big enough to fit a standard sized rat with its diameter. It also had some skirt works done, which was very low… just about a few inches off the ground. And then, there was this ridiculous spoiler - it was big… and it looked like a giant shoe rack at the rear of the car.

I was appalled by it. It was fucking hideous. But then, the lady seemed to think otherwise, because I could tell from her fucking smug expression that she’s enjoying the attention. She probably even stopped her car there to impress her friends, you know, in case they didn’t know that she has a crazy clown car like that. And just to ensure nobody missed the opportunity to notice her, she deliberately left her car engine running, so everybody who walked past would be wondering who the hell brought a fucking lawnmower to work.

I was walking past the junk when the bitch decided to spin her car. Probably excited with my presence, I don’t know, but, it was right on the moment when I was there, she wheel spun her junk towards a half foot curb. I don’t fucking know what happened but, that was what I saw. The girl must have tried to drift a corner or something but, it ended going up on the curb and then came crashing down hard.

Now, as I have described, her car had a low clearance skirting. And when her front wheel went down the curb, the middle part of the car skirt sort of landed on it, and then off it went a very loud noise - KRAAAAAAKKKKKKKK !!!! That was the sound of the skirt cracking. It was a sight to behold.

And when her car cleared the rough ride, her car’s broken skirt can be seen dangling in and out like a buffalo’s dick, it was completely ripped off. She came down to inspect the damage, but surprisingly, she didn’t react much. Probably was controlling herself not to look too stupid but, it could have been that she had encountered such boner too many times to be concerned about it. Whatever. Serves her right anyway.