I took my lunch at the company cafeteria today with Blackie and my 2 other female colleagues — Kim and Faye. I got myself a plate of chicken rice, Blackie and Kim were having Fish n’ Chips. Faye got herself a plate of Chicken Chop.

As shitty as it reputated to be, the cafeteria actually served the Fish n’ Chips without tartar sauce - they temporarily ran out of sauce, and asked Blackie & Kim to wait. Hungry, Blackie hoovered the fish without the sauce but poor Kim had to wait for about 10 minutes before she got herself some sauce.

So, by the time Kim gets to start working on her fish, I had already finished my lunch and was hanging around there for some chat. That was when our lab technician came to join our table…followed by his middle aged guy friend.

As I had nothing to do then, I decided to make Kim’s lunch more interesting…

Me : “Hey Kim… let me ask you something, do you have any idea what does tartar sauce made of?”

Kim : “No idea.”

Me : “Well… let me give you a hint. It comes from a cow.”

Kim : “Comes a cow? Really? From its lard is it?”

Me : “No… not the lard. It is actually made from cow’s puke. Believe it girl…”

Faye : “You seriously think we’re going believe that?”

Kim : “Hahah… right. You’re so lame.” *continue to eat her fish*

Me : “It’s alright if you don’t believe me. You know Thousand Island dressing for your salad? They’re made from blended cow brain…”

Kim : “I’m not that gullible, you should try harder.”

But my bullshits caught some unexpected attention - the middle aged bloke who came with our technician. I noticed the guy first gave me this perplexed look and then asked me this - “Seriously, a cow’s brain? They really use a cow’s brain???”.

He was such a fucking stupid idiot. His remarks actually made all of us at that table pause for approximately 2 seconds… before breaking into a laughter. Faye was pointing at that guy when she was laughing… and Kim had some of her half chewed fish spurting out of her mouth.

I don’t know man, but I think his IQ level must be equivalent to that of a lab rat. I never thought someone would actually believe the shit I made up to gross the girls. Not especially from a guy who’s rife with experience and age. Anyhow, after we’ve had laughed enough, I made an effort to tell the guy that it was meant to be a sick joke… and he probably shouldn’t take it too seriously.

Yesterday, I went to look for my departmental admin (let’s call her ‘Cat’) to send a very important document to someone on the other side of the state. I forgot to bring a pen, so I asked to borrow one from her, and that was when she noticed something about me…

“Michael … are you a guitar player ?”
“No… I am not”
“How about Chinese zither?”
“Nope. I don’t play any musical instruments at all”
“Oh… then why do you have such long finger nails?”

Obviously, I was caught off guard. I don’t actually have an answer for that question. The fact was, I’m just fucking lazy to clip my nails. I’d usually do it when one of them breaks off or something.
(disclaimer - if you somehow have an idea that my nails could be dirty, you’re wrong. I washes my nails everytime I go to the washroom… so, it’s very well maintained and clean)

I had to resort to bullshitting her…

“I actually fancy of keeping them. They kind of make my fingers look longer”
“Really?”
“Yeah .. and they are also handy for some of my delicate work”
“Oh ok. See my nails? They’re very short.”
“You liar. I think you broke your nails from scraping for dandruff too much”
“No… really, I clip my nails because I play violin a lot”
“That’s why your fingers look short and ugly…”
“Not as ugly as yours… ” (makes some face)
“Well… at least I can use them to scratch my back better…”

And she laughed hysterically like a hyena across the office… triggering a massive head bobs from hundreds of cubicles. Seriously, I don’t know what’s so funny about my remarks. Sometimes, we can’t simply make silly jokes around girls… they can be such a drag sometimes…

After having our Chinese New Year break for about 5 days, the Chinese community are finally resuming to their normal life. So, as scheduled, I had to go for my physiotherapy today

Pretty nurse : “Happy Chinese New Year! Any angpow for me?” [angpow = red gift packets containing cash, very popular in Chinese customs]

Me : **Smiles** “Errrm… no… I’m not qualified yet”

I frigging lied.

Pretty nurse : “Oh… so you’re still single?”

Me : “Ahaks… yeah. Do I look like a married guy to you?”

Pretty nurse : **giggles..**

Me : “I like the way you giggled…”

Pretty nurse : **face blushes… giggles somemore**

Me : “Say… what time do you finish your shh.. aaa aaaa aaa **Sneeze!**”

Pretty nurse : “Ohh… you caught a cold, you poor thing.”

Me : “Yeah … **sniff**… partied too hard during the holidays.”

Pretty nurse : “You should take more vitamic C… and party less” **serious look on her face**

Me : “Awww… that’s so sweet of you… **Sneeeeezeee!!!**”

And the next thing I knew, her face was covered with slime and semi solid pieces of greenish mucus. She instantly lost the appeal of an angel… Ughh.

Alright… if you can’t tell, I made all that up. Only certain parts of the conversation are true.
- I indeed caught a very bad cold
- the nurse indeed wished me a Happy New Year and asked for an angpow.
- the nurse indeed asked me to take more vitamic C when she found out about my cold

The rest are fabricated by my idling mind during the boring session of my physiotherapy.

My friends and I had a rather unpleasant lunch at Nando’s yesterday, thanks to the screwed up crew who mixed up our orders. They mixed up the orders for a few times (what are the odds, hell), and had us wait for more than 15 mins. I was beginning to feel pissed of the multiple errs in a short period of time.

While we were waiting halfway through, the crew sent one of their hot waitress to come over to offer an apology. I wanted no troubles at all so, I accepted it with an assuring smile and told her that it was alright. The cuteness of that tall / sexy waitress actually played a significant role in calming me down, but most of it was because I quite a mellow guy in the inside. So, with a renewed experience, I continued to wait, until my order came… and for the 3rd time, they got my order wrong. Again. This time, I was really mad (the order was delivered to me by another waitress, who resembled some bug I saw on my apartment staircase which I do not know its actual scientific name). This time, it was the wrong sidedish. The following conversation then takes place :

Me : “Look… you first mixed up my order. Then, you mixed it up somemore. And then, you gave me the wrong sidedish. What exactly is your problem??”

Insect waitress : “Oh… I’m really sorry sir. We have a new cashier who took your orders wrongly and…”

I didn’t let her finish,

Me : “That’s not my problem, ok?”

Insect waitress : “I’m terribly sorry sir. Do you want me to change your sidedish?”

Me : “No thanks. I’ve had enough. I’ll just settle with this one. Just let me be and speed up the rest of the orders for my friends… ok?”

10 minutes passed, a couple of my friends’ orders were still nowhere in sight. We’ve waited for a total of more than 30 minutes. I then hollered for the insect waitress to come over and berated her for another round. This time, I was louder and meaner than before, and in the matter of seconds, our orders were fully served.

It was then, Emily commented

Emily : “Pity her. It was not really her fault… and was the one who got all the scoldings…”

I then retorted,

Me : “Dear… I’m not against her as an individual. I’m scolding her as a representative of Nando’s. I do not care if it was due to the new cashier or not. If one of them fails, they all fail as a team. She should take it as a Nando’s staff, not to get personal.”

Emily : “Well, why didn’t you pick someone else the second time? Why did you scold only her? Why not other waitresses or the guys?”

*danger alert*

Me : “Alright… maybe I was a bit biased. I could have picked to yell at the pretty waitress just now instead of that ugly waitress.”

Emily : “You’re a terrible person… do you know that?”

Me : “Well, I’m just another human being. Let’s say, if you were asked to hate someone… would you choose to hate a good looking person or a detestable ugly looking person? Which one of them is easier for you to hate? The answer’s obvious, right? That’s the advantage of good looks. Good looking people makes us harder to hate. So, instead of putting myself in such a dilemma, I chose the worst looking one to scold… so that I can do the scolding in a more efficient way. They all still fail as a team, it’s all the same.”

*not only I saved myself again .. but managed to prove a point in such a short period of time*

Emily : “Hmmm … I guess you’re right in some sense. Just look at her… sheesh, she’s getting scolded again by the other customers… This world is so unfair…”

Well, that’s the truth, like it or not. The world is not just unfair - it’s FUCKING unfair. The insect waitress could have easily set a record of ‘the most hated waitress in that Nando’s outlet’… just because she looks so damn ugly like that. The Nando’s management should have put her to work inside the kitchen… away from the public for the benefit of all, and let all those good looking chicks handle the customers. It’s a strategy that has already written in the books.

Yesterday, Eric drove the gang out for lunch. He was doing only 30 - 40kph on the freeway, no cars in front. Needless to say, the number of cars getting hogged behind him started to grow in number, and I started to feel under pressure as I used to hoot road hoggers like Eric. I had to suppress myself from confronting Eric or say anything at all… I just pressed my palms together and closed my eyes… you know, controlled breathing and stuff, just so that I don’t get into the mad mode.

I did that until I reached my ‘Q’ point, where my thoughts became disoriented and felt really sorry for myself… then let it out - I yelled at Eric.

Me : “For fuck’s sake, Eric, drive faster… you’re hogging the goddamn road man…”

Eric did not answer me nor speed his car up as he should. I was like talking to a dead pig. Obviously, he was doing some thinking there, and I know, whenever he does that, he will slow the fuck down. Like he has only a finite resource to do one thing at a time… and if he’s thinking, the car will have to slow down. I commented further to BigSnake, who was sitting at the backseat together with Blackie:

Me : “Dude… how long do you think it will take to reach KL, if we were to appoint Eric as the driver? 8 hours?”

BigSnake : “Hard to say man… that’s a very difficult question. But for sure, it would be a bad idea to let him drive…”

Eric then quipped…

Eric : “It will take me 9 hours… heheheh”

BigSnake : “Hey… just concentrate on your driving lah! Can’t you just step on your accelerator harder? You’re driving way too fucking slow…”

Eric : “Relax man… my speed’s alright”

Blackie then intervened,

Blackie : “Yeah I agree… I think Eric’s driving at a very reasonable speed”

I was pissed at that statement

Me : “What the fuck?? 40kph on the freeway is reasonable?? You’re way beyond ridiculous, moron. He’s hogging the goddamn road!!”

BigSnake was on my side,

BigSnake : “Now I know why are there so many traffic jams… it’s because we have so many retards like both of you around…”

That was about the time BigSnake and I realized that half of our lunch members here are lame drivers. Hogging the road/freeway was only part of their life, and there are many more.

I wish to state this very clearly - we only take our lunch with these people… them and their fucked up driving has nothing to do with us, or me. Period.