*warning - long entry*
It was late at night. I was minding my own business when I received a message from an unidentified person in IRC (Internet Relay Chat). Because was dicking around myself, I decided to check the guy out. The person was a guy, presumably, in his puberty, and he was obviously looking for a late night flirt, and he mistaken me as a chick from my androgynous-like pseudonym - ‘Heavenly’ (not that I’m gay or anything but, I have my reasons for selecting that nick).

Thinking that it could be fun to fuck around with that stupid shit, I decided to play along… :
[following conversation was imported directly from IRC a few years ago and this is the original content of the actual chat. And yes again, this is the same chat content published in my homepage. I decided to re-publish this since my homepage has already been closed]

chrisCORN : hello ? u how old ?

heavenly (this is me, you chicken shit) : very old ….not suitable for u

chrisCORN : where from ?

heavenly : old folks home

chrisCORN : how u know ?

heavenly : coz i live there …bozo

chrisCORN : c’mon .. i live there for some time alresdy and i haven’t even heard of u

heavenly : oh really? which branch u from?

chrisCORN : the one where the roof top has burger king written all over it

heavenly : its different ….mine has a big chicken head popping out from a stupid looking chimney

chrisCORN : cool. that means we r not really far apart

heavenly : huh? what makes u say that ?

chrisCORN : i always pass there often

heavenly : oh really ? are u trying to pick up on something ?

chrisCORN : yeah. some ladies in your home

heavenly : there ain’t no ladies in my home ….but lots of bitches …u like bitches ?

chrisCORN : nope. i like u. u must be the lady i’ve been observing.

heavenly : oh really ? im damn old actually ….

chrisCORN : i dig old lady

heavenly : huh ……but if u want i can intro some bitches for u to dig …but I’m definitely not available for construction stuffs

chrisCORN : well i dun mind u actually

heavenly : but i mind u ….bozo

chrisCORN : k .. u can call me bozo .. or the worst clown u ever know but i still dig u

heavenly : gee~~~ im so scared….. but i can call u binky. does a clown have cock with stripes?

chrisCORN : well .. actually ..let me tell u a secret. clowns have a cock … they’re fake yeah .. don’t let them fool ya

heavenly : then ? do u mean all clowns have fake cocks ? with stripes ?

chrisCORN : u see stripes. hell…some r even polka dots

heavenly : hahah …no wonder people laugh at them. they got funny cocks

chrisCORN : yup and they can make noises too

heavenly : quack - quack ?

chrisCORN : nope … more like boinggg

heavenly : ohh…~~~ a spring sound ….they have springs inside their cock ?

chrisCORN : it’s inserted inside it

heavenly : don’t they ever get rusty when it comes in contact with water ?

chrisCORN : well it’s thought of earlier so they made it to last even wif waters

heavenly : stainless steel huh? i thought clowns are into plastic shits

chrisCORN : well externally only… internal will make u go gaga over their gadgets

heavenly : really? y do u say that? u had some shots from them before ?

chrisCORN : well…..i created all those shits

heavenly : yeah i know …u are a clown anyway .. u won’t make fun upon your own race

chrisCORN : ppl call me that to ruin me day but i take it as a challenge

heavenly : oh really… but tell u the truth ….clown sux

chrisCORN : yeah … i hate em actually … really really hate em

heavenly : oh u hate yourself ?

chrisCORN : nope hate clowns. ok ok ok lah u win … u r good

heavenly : yeah …u are damn right ….im good… never tell an old lady that u wanna dig her…she’ll smack the clown outta your face

chrisCORN : ok soli

heavenly : heheheh…but inm no old lady .. just an ordinary girl

chrisCORN : i know… cool

heavenly : yeah

chrisCORN : so intro plz?

heavenly : nah ….i look like an underwear full of shit … u don’t even want to know me

chrisCORN : hey what a coincidence lah.. i look like panties full of shit

heavenly : just forget about it & enjoy the chat ….will ya ?

chrisCORN : u started it 1st

heavenly : hey …bozo ……nice talking to u but …gotta go ….see u some other time

chrisCORN : c;’mon … not even an intro

heavenly : go do something else …..

chrisCORN : ok… sob sob

I agree with the fact that : guys in IRC are very ‘cinkak‘. No doubt about that. And I am not exceptional.

On one fine evening, as I was logging on to check some posts, there’s an uh-oh on my ICQ bar. Someone who came by the nick “Cinderella” messaged me… & I don’t know her…
[following conversation was imported directly from my ICQ history, verbatim. And yes, this is the same Cinderella incident published in my homepage]

Cinderella : Hi, i m Malaysian n work in singapore now. Can we be friends?

Me : u sure u are not one of those spam users ?

Cinderella : ya.y ?

Me : been receiving lots of spam messages …

Cinderella : no

Me : so … how d’ you find my icq ?

Cinderella : u don’t noe there was a feature call “FIND/ADDUSER” ah?

Me : ok ler … then u found me randomly… izzit ?

Cinderella : must see the detail first ma!

Me : ok ok … well … u must have thought that i’m interesting though… to be frank .. i’m not a very interesting guy… u know… i like to disturb people… i’m not handsome… and i don’t even own a car. My hobbies are collecting stamps (very boring) … and i hate studying …

Cinderella : that’s ok. i m not pretty also.

Me : hmmm … and occasionally … i pull ugly girl’s hair for fun … very bad guy i am…

Cinderella : Oh…… but i m not ugly allso.

Me : hahah … u think very fast …well … im short … only 5 ft … and currently unemployed …

Cinderella : i m not short, 5ft 6in

Me : mind if i ask u something ,… if u are a malaysian .. what are u doing there in s’pore ? study ? work ? fun ?

Cinderella : having fun now b’coz jobless. will start my new job as an engineering clerk on next month n taking part time course in INFORMATICS (Diploma in Computer Studies)

Me : INFORMATICS huh ? isn’t it a college that teaches ppl how to cook ? …

Cinderella : Hey guy, i m taking Diploma in computer studies n not Diploma in Cooking leh!

Me : oh … ok … sorry … see ? i told u im not interesting… i know nothing abt computers …i log on to ICQ using my mom’s refrigerator…

Cinderella : Wah…. so high tech ah?

Me : high tech ? no ler … it doesn’t even have a mouse or keyboard…i’m typing using morse code … by shorting the wires together to encode some digital binary signal …my mom always scold me for spoiling her fridge… it makes her fish turn sour.

Cinderella : Special means high tech loh! i don’t even hear people surf net by using the fridge…. u r the first.

Cinderella : r u stay in KL?

Me : nope … i am from penang …u know … the place with a long bridge connected to it …

Cinderella : Ooooo……… u thought i don’t noe ah?

Me : well .. i met a lot of ugly girls who know …but mostly … the prettier ones don’t know…u told me that u are not ugly … so …that’s why i thought u dunno ….
hmmmm … i know now … that u are actually ugly

Cinderella : ok u win…

Me : heheh … see ? i told u … i like to disturb people … i am very bad …

Cinderella : I like to be disturbed by bad guy

Cinderella : i heard u say that u r jobless now, so what r u planning to do in future ?

Me : me ? i plan to be someone who doesn’t need to work in future … maybe some kind of big dog … u know big dog ? the one that bullies ppl .. and get rich quick ..

Cinderella : day dream ah ?

Me : well … maybe they have such course in INFORMATICs … Diploma of Big Dog …muahahah …

Cinderella : do u know how to speak chinese?

Me : i only speak cantonese and hokkien … i don’t know how to speak english …

Cinderella : Oh, i thought we r communicate in english. now i know that i m wrong. can u tell me wat language we r using now?

Me : well … in fact we are communicating in english .. i have a pet monkey here that speaks fluent english & cantonese …
i am relying on him to translate for me … u know … i speak cantonese .. he encode the morse code into english

Me : the msg u are reading now is actually typed by my pet monkey …

Cinderella : wah, pandainya. wat’s it name?

Me : since i am not very interesting … i named him after a very uninteresting name ,.his name is Paul Oakenfold ..

Cinderella : hey wat r doing at home everyday? sleeping, surfing net, play with ur pet Paul Oakenfold..?

Me : well … occasionally i wake up to eat something … and icq …but Paul is bad … he likes to travel a lot … and that’s why … i always have limited time to log-on to the web … coz if he is not around … i dunno how to icq in english

Cinderella : don’t mind we can chat in malay…haha. why u named ur nickname as Heavenly?

Me : i named my nickname as heavenly because Paul likes it … no other reasons ..

Cinderella : very interesting monkey, how u get it?

Me : don’t remember… i think someone FedEx him over to my place ..

Cinderella : u have girlfriend now?

Me : me ? nah … i am a very uninteresting guy …

Cinderella : how’s ur look?

Me : well … i dunno how to describe … but ppl always associate me with the character Gandalf in Lord Of The Rings …

Cinderella : im very boring now, don noe wat to do

Me : well ,… i can’t help u … hey … i gtg do something … feed Paul and bathe him up .. (or something like that) ..
if u want to know about me … go to this website .. http://members.tripod.com/michael_ooi..it’s my portfolio there …bye

Cinderella : bye

It’s fun to act stupid.

Yesterday, I received a call from an unknown source. A female voice with a fake american accent greeted me when I answered my mobile phone. (conversation was re-enacted based on my memory. Slight discrepancy is expected. So, don’t bitch about it.)

Unknown caller : “Hi Mr Ooi. My name is Irene. Are you convenient to talk?”

Me : “Who is this? Do I know you? Where did you get my number??”

Irene : “Oh, I am actually calling from X hotel. Just want to let you know about our latest promotion here.”

Me : “Uhuh”
[I did not hang up because she kinda sounded like someone hot then...]

Irene : “I’m delighted to inform you that we are giving you a complimentary free 1 night stay at our hotel …”
[I was beginning to like her. I started to imagine her as a somewhat attractive chick]

Me : “Wow… I am surprised, but impressed.”
[X hotel is a very well known luxury hotel in Penang, so...]

Irene : “Only if… you have the membership. You have to join the X hotel club to be able to enjoy the entitlement. May I know what is your line of occupation, Mr Ooi?”
[aaah there's the catch... her looks were withering... I was planning to hang up]

Me : “Engineering”

Irene : “May I ask, what do you think of X hotel ? Have you been to X hotel before, Mr Ooi?”

Me : “Nope. But I’ve been to one of the pubs located at the skirt of X hotel before… the place was alright.”
[i remember barfing together with Luis after a drinking session beside X hotel before, the place has a big ass sea for us to barf all we want... so it was rightfully rated as 'alright']

Irene : “Oh, I just want to let you know that the place has now totally changed. It has been renovated now and it looks realllllyyyyy fantastic… and bla bla bla … restaurant … bla bla … free … bla bla …discount … bla bla … ”
[She sounded desperate. And cheap. And I started to dislike her.]

Me : “Look Irene. It’s very nice of you to let me know so many offers that you’ve got there. Now, why don’t you just send all the information to me through email… including ‘the catch’… I’ll read them through, and respond to you accordingly… ok? It is hard for me to remember so many things you’ve said…”
[I was trying to be polite and stuff, you know?]

Irene :”But… this is telemarketing. It is suppose to be like that…”
[I swear I did not make this up... this is what she said verbatim. That was stupid.]

Me :”Heck, of course I know this is telemarketing. But I’m sure telemarketers have their own email accounts… don’t they ?”
[I was still trying to be polite, but garnished with a hint of sarcasm to taste...]

Irene :”Oh … maybe I can call you back later when you are more convenient to jot the info down…”
[desperate bitch]

Me :”I’m hanging up Irene. My battery’s getting flat.”
[I could have yelled at her, but I didn't]

Irene:”Ok ok ok, what is your email address?”

I gave her my work email and hung up. But she never sent me anything.

Stupid telemarketers. I hate them.

I was brought up in a Cantonese/Hokkien dialect speaking family, that is why I don’t speak Mandarin very well. I couldn’t read nor write them neither - and this pretty much includes my own Chinese name. It’s a shame… I know, but I’m sure there are plenty more people like me out there. A banana dude — yellow outside, white inside.

I’m about to relate a couple of embarrassing incidents that took place during my trip to China a few years ago

Incident #1
I was approached by a Chinese tour guide (let’s call her - CindyCrawford) about something. When CindyCrawford came up to me, I had just descended from a climb up to The Great Wall. It was a very cold afternoon *The conversation was reproduced based on my memory and limited knowledge on Mandarin, slight discrepancies are expected*:

CindyCrawford : “Ching wen … xiang mien hai you mei you ren?”
(translation: Excuse me, is it still cold up there?) — as per what I understand from the description.

Me : “errr… uuhh… yeah… xiang mien ‘quite’ ren …”
(translation: errr…uhhhh … yeah .. it’s quite cold up there..) — That was my half assed Mandarin. I was rather surprised, it’s fucking cold down here, for sure it would be colder up in the mountains. Maybe she just wanted to start a conversation, I thought.

CindyCrawford :[confused look] “Ni you mei you kan tau tha men ? [some sign language] .. ren?”
(translation: You seen them? Cold?) — Oh, she’s probably asking me if I’m cold … awww.. how sweet of her…

Me :”Oh… yeah… xiang mien hen ren … [show her a shaking hand sign]… xie xie”
(translation: Oh..yeah.. it’s very cold up there… thanks) — it was about 5 deg C up there. It’s fucking cold.

CindyCrawford : “Pu se .. wo se wen ni… ni you mei you kan tau tha men .. [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]?”
(translation: No, I’m asking you, have you seen them [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]) — something is not right. She was not asking me if I’m cold.

Shit, that was when I saw where did it all go wrong… She was actually asking if I have seen those people from my tour group, and whether they are still all up in the mountains. I apparently mistaken the word “ren” as COLD instead of PEOPLE. So, the whole thing was a boo-boo. She wasn’t concerned about my welfare after all. Fuck. It was downright embarrassing. I replied her back in a broken Mandarin (& plenty of sign language) that ‘those bastards are still climbing the fucking steep Great Wall, and The Great Wall sucks’.

Incident #2
Inside the tour bus:

Tourguide : “announcing through loudspeaker] “Wo men xien cai yau chue kan cak cik.”
(translation: we now are going to watch fried chicken) — again, as per what I understand from the description

Me :”What the fuck!? We are going to watch fried chicken??? What’s so different about frying chickens in China???”

My comments triggered a commotion of hysterical laughs from the entire tour group.

Again, the word “cak cik” the tour guide meant was ACROBATIC PERFORMANCE. I mistaken it as FRIED CHICKEN. Apparently, ‘fried chicken’ is pronounced as chaaaaa cheeeeeee .. the vowels are pronounced longer. To me, it sounded all the same.

For example, stars .. is called “xing xing” … which also shares the same pronunciation for gorilla & faith. Pardon me but, the meaning for all the 3 words here are all very different from each other, and it would be catastrophic to make any mistake on that

But then, ironically, it is part of my job nature to deal with Taiwanese suppliers almost everyday… and I don’t have any problem in communicating with them at all. Apparently, they could understanding the word “fuck” very well, and I guess that’s all it takes for them to understand a scolding or two.

I sent an SMS to Emily yesterday (while she’s at work) :
‘dear, dun get mad at me, ok ? i’m sorry bout yesterday. I love you’

Her SMS reply:
‘dun worry..i’m ok now … but u owe me one big thing for not picking me up on time and let me wait. i love you too’

Owe her one big thing? Now that has to be the scariest thing a guy can ever hear from his girl. I reckon that she must already have something in her mind. She’s making use of this situation to trap me up. The “I love you too” phrase at the end of her message sounded so lifeless. At that moment, I am making a few thousands interpretations from her simple SMS reply. What’s the big thing that i am owing her?

Well, when she came home to wake me up from my deep sleep yesterday, we had a “one to one” talk.

“why did u consume when you already know that you need to fetch me??”

“it was my best friend’s farewell… and we had a few drinks. come on… it was just a party got out of control… ”
(you see, in situations like this, EVERYONE is your BEST FRIEND)

“did your so-called ‘best friend’ know that you need to fetch me up?” she asked.

“yeah, i told him. oh come on, it’s not my friend’s fault. It was my stupid boss.”
(i was trying to divert the blame to Rob here, because she knows I hate him very much. I’m wicked.)

“your boss?? he asked you to drink THAT much meh ??”

“nope. It was CK that told me that he would take off his shirt in public when he’s drunk enough… heheheh”
(laughing hysterically, apparently, i’m still a bit intoxicated.)

“who is CK ?”

“CK is that best friend of mine who’s leaving lor,… ok ok … let’s stop all these interrogation thingy, ok? I’m sorry”

“you owe me one big thing..”

The much dreaded word came out from her mouth right before my ears. I was like “Nooooooo … not thatttttt !!!”

“alright… and what’s that?”

She wanted me to accompany her to return to her hometown in Perak - a place with no entertainment, no internet connection, limited tv programmes, no friends, no mobile phone signals…
It’s like living in a deserted island with nothing. I’m going to fester to death there…
This is not looking good for me…

Lesson learnt : Do not mess with your loved ones. The consequences can be very dire…