1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a fair skinned lass with straight hair
- well built
- slightly protruding 2 upper incisors
- 5 ft 2 to 5 ft 4
- mid 20’s.

Problem statement
‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ on a female subject could reverse any delectable appeal (if exist) of that person and cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject was a relatively young and well built female of Chinese descent.
- Eyes moderately sized. Hair was straight. No piercing / artificial modification visible.
- Gravity test yielded marginal pass – moderate sized mammary glands.
- Subject was wearing a tight fitting denim pants, accentuating the derriere region.
- Subject appears to be affected with ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’.
- No other anomaly observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ (JCS) – a condition where the inner thigh on both legs of a human subject do not come in contact with one another, resulting a noticeable ‘gap’ in between the legs. The symptom could be due to deformed bone structure, the lack of muscle/fat tissue on both inner thighs or abnormally large vagina.
- Deformation of bone structure could be due to an underlying bone disease, or a prolonged period of subjecting to unnatural postures such as riding a giant horse, a giant bike or a giant tree trunk (or any phallic shaped structure).
- Lack of muscle/fat tissue on both the inner thighs is usually attributed to malnutrition.
- Abnormally large vagina could be due to mutation from an underlying genetic disease, or a prolonged exposure of vagina to radioactive rays from a radioactive material.
- The size of gap is inversely proportional with the attractiveness rating of a subject – the bigger the gap, the less attractive the person is. Side effects to gawker include (but not limited to) – difficulty in breathing, asthmatic attack, insomnia, nausea, temporary blindness and for some terminal cases, permanent brain damage.

Corrective Action(s)
a) Wear long skirts to veil the symptom.
Upside: Immediate/quick solution. Natural outlook.
Downside: Not permanent. Not chic. Exposure to fleas from ground.

b) Silicone/saline bag implants to fill up the gap.
Upside: Permanent solution.
Downside: Expensive. Risk of infection. Unnatural outlook.

c) Amputation of both legs.
Upside: Permanent solution. Disability benefits. 50% reduction of cuticles.
Downside: Expensive. Immobility. Height reduction.

End of report.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- a chick in office attire.
- 5 ft 7 – 5 ft 9
- late 20’s
- Executive level workforce

Problem statement
Improperly aligned attire may rouse unwanted public attention.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)
Jason (Optical Specialist – special division)

Observation
- Subject is a taller than average working class female.
- The team unanimously concur that the subject has a rather fair complexion
- Attire is best described as ‘decent’, consists of a typical button up office-wear blouse and a brown knee length denim tight skirt.
- The denim skirt appears to be laterally misaligned, approximately 45 degrees out of sync from the original position.
- The misalignment is apparent enough for any third party observer to notice – that 2 of the skirt pockets that are supposed to be located on each of the subject’s hind cheeks, are offset to the side of the subject’s left hip and center of the derriere. (refer illustration below)

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The misalignment could have occurred :
a) …when subject was donning the denim skirt – Subject could be in the state of stress (eg. late for work, boyfriend refused to copulate, drifted concentration, etc) when donning the afore mentioned denim skirt, which in turn, could have inadvertently resulted the original blunder.
b) …after the denim skirt was donned – Originally, it was properly aligned, but however, due to unforseen circumstances, the skirt sort of shifted by itself and caused the misalignment. This could be due to the unmatching size of the garment (too loose, lack of retention force, etc).

- That improperly aligned skirt may potentially aggravate a seemingly harmless situation into a life threatening emergency condition.
- A possible scenario would be a race to the restroom to purge an exploding diarrhea, which the misaligned skirt might cost the subject a few precious microseconds to unnecessarily fumble for her displaced zipper/button to undone the whole article.
- The tardy response in turn could soil her underwear, which if it was to be worn into the office, its malodor might cause latent ill effects to her co-workers. Potential symptoms may include nausea, loss of appetite, accelerated asthmatic attack, malaria, ebola, ruptured uterus (for females), impotence (for males) and even nostril cancer.

Corrective Action(s)
- Unlike a 2 pronged pants, a skirt is tubularly hollow inside. Hence, it is quite difficult for one to notice if she has worn the skirt in the wrong direction, especially if it was to be done in a state of hurry and in condition when lighting is scarce.
- Based on this understanding, the team concurs that it is imperative for a skirt to be designed in such a way that the person who wears it will be able to differentiate the correct positioning even when it’s in the dark (and conspicuous enough for the person to see).

Proposed solutions:
a) Using technology (expensive)
The skirt has to have its own positioning system. Such can be achieved by attaching a battery powered bluetooth beacon on the front side of the skirt and another reference beacon to be placed on the subject’s head (can be worn like a hat/cap/mask).
The reference beacon on subject’s head will be used to triangulate the position of the skirt beacon. The data obtained will be made to go through a comparison algorithm preset inside the reference beacon, as such that if both the beacons are not in line or pointing to the same direction, the reference beacon will electronically activate an alarm (or perhaps deliver an electric shock) to alert the subject that the skirt is not properly aligned.

b) Using wits (cheaper alternative)
Subject can purchase those glow-in-the-dark plastic letterings, and stick following phrase to the front side of the skirt – “PUBE SIDE”. And following phrase to the rear side of the skirt – “ASS SIDE”. This solution requires subject to look at her skirt from time to time to be effective.

End of report

*If you’re a minor, would you kindly fuck off.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- the same hot chick
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Ignorance in selecting proper attire at workplace may cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)
Ken (Espionage Specialist)

Observation
- Subject appears to have synthetically dyed hair, color of what appears to be a match of Pongo pygmaeus.
- Heavy presence of chemical on subject’s face.
- Subject is wearing a cropped beige blouse a size smaller than her recommended size.
- The above garment is paired with a complementary beige colored mini low-slung flare skirt, which is also a few sizes smaller.
- A large flab of abdominal lard is visible at the region in between both undersized clothing article.
- The flab is estimated to consist enough energy to light a blubber lamp for approx. 2 weeks.
- The relatively short miniskirt also exposes a significant area of subject’s inner thighs, which appears to be dominated with convoluted networks of varicose veins.
- Observation from Espionage division : Subject is wearing a pair of black lacy undergarment, which has it’s upper hem protruded above the miniskirt waistline.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- Both undersized clothing articles are insufficient to cover the subject’s vast properties of dunes and ravines, creating a void at the middle section.
- Due to the sarcoid nature of the subject, the pliant tissues of the abdomen compresses at the lower section and oozes forth at the upper side at the waistline of the undersized miniskirt, creating a revolting illusion of flabby ’spare tires’.
- Prolonged exposure to the afore said illusion may induce loss of appetite, insomnia, cardiac arrest, permanent blindness, dementia, stroke and even brain damage to the gawker.
- The tight low-slung miniskirt, in the meanwhile, could impede the bloodflow to the subject’s nether region – which in turn, might render the subject paraplegic. An extended period of restricted bloodflow may even render her clitoris or rectum gangrenous.

Corrective Action(s)
Assuming that both the conflicting clothing articles are to stay:
Subject would need to suppress the lard tissues from bulging out at the center void of the body. This can be achieved by either means of following process:

a) Expensive solution – By cinching the waist with a tight fitting corset. The reinforced inward clench of the corset will push the fatty tissue inwards, spreading it evenly across the torso, displacing the lards to the subject’s bosom and derriere. This in turn, would shift the gawkers’ attention towards the subject’s mammary funbags and hindquarters department.

Warning: This would however, only divert the original problem to a less critical level. Prolonged exposure to abnormally large bosoms/hindquarters are known to cause deterioration in natural reflexes, hindering workplace productivity amongst male employees.

b) Cheaper alternative – The same advantage of wearing a corset, however, can be achieved with a cheaper alternative – by using poly-ethylene coated tape (a.k.a duct tape). The subject can wrap the duct tape around the protruding lardy area tightly, beginning from the lower portion of the breast extending until the upper pubic region, emulating the effects of a corset.

caution:
- not to overlap duct tape onto the furry part of the pubic patch, as the consequences can be dire…
- certain individuals may be allergic to duct tape adhesive. It is advisable to test duct tape on small portion of skin before going ahead with plan.
- duct tape may cause certain medical condition due to lack of ventilation. Subject may be confronted with a whole new level of problems that are equally (if not more) potent than the original – like prickly heat, skin laceration, cervical hemorrhage, herpes, syphilis, VD, polio, etc.

End of report.

*If you’re a minor, get out of here

I like solving problems. Solving problems is good!

~~~~~

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- hot chick
- athletic built frame
- 5 ft 5 to 5 ft 7.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Transparent linen flare skirt directly/indirectly contributes to lack of productivity amongst the male employees.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a balanced body ratio.
- No organic modifications visible, except for a couple of pseudo eyelashes (unconfirmed)
- Heavy presence of chemicals on subject’s face.
- Gravity test failed. Minute or zilch presence of mammary glands.
- Subject appears to be donning a pair of white linen flare skirt.
- Radiation material visible underneath the mentioned skirt. Appears to be white cotton.
- No further physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- The thin mass of linen material of skirt offered little impedance for light photons to pass through.
- As subject is donning a pair of white cotton lolas, it creates an uneven textural properties between the epidermal surface of the abdomen and the cotton material.
- When light photon passes through linen & hit the solid wall of infinite mass, the differential of surface texture reflects a substantial delta of the color spectrum – a flat white versus a slightly off fair beige.
- This would thus project an image to the human gawker, as the radioactive cotton material conspicuously accentuated between the differential of light out of the epidermal surface… that the subject is wearing just an underwear to work.
- The visual beacon reflects light in a radial manner.
- Assessed damaged is estimated to be at it’s maximum potential – 360 degrees under an average lighting condition.
- Side effects induced include lack of concentration, amplified rate of hormonal production, increased heart beat, excessive perspiration, excessive blood flow to the luncheow male reproductive organ, asthmatic seizure, glaucoma, cataracts and tuberculosis.

Corrective Action(s)
This proposal is made by assuming that the white linen flare skirt is the permanent factor and solutions are to be promoted revolving it.
- The key containment plan is to eliminate the differential of spectrum of the reflected lights off the subject’s nether region; by ensuring that the material residing underneath the white linen is uniform across the surface – which can be easily achieved by
a) wearing a large geriatric type of undergarment
b) wearing nothing underneath that skirt.

Proposal (a) would be the least favorable solution considering the fact that the subject is a relatively young and attractive female. Wearing a pair of grandmotherly underwear may void her credibility as a hot chick and prolonged wearing of such poor ventilated garment may cause genital warts and thrush.

Proposal (b) would be a recommended containment action. By removing the cotton undergarment from underneath the linen skirt, the reflected light will thus be made even – minimizing the arousal of the opposite gender that could cripple the productivity at the workplace. Other advantages of this cotton removal procedure include better ventilation of the feline creature beneath the abdomen (keep it content and all that..) and also less detergent used to wash the aforesaid cotton material (environmentally friendlier…)

The negative side of proposal (b) would be that the darker hue of the frontal pubic region would create an equivalent, if not worse, adversity than the original cotton issue. But this, however, can be easily solved by dyeing the pubic hairs to white color.

End of report.

*18SX warning. If you’re a minor, fucking go to sleep.

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
- Brenda.
- Petite Chinese female
- 5 ft to 5 ft 1.
- Late 20’s.
- Executive level workforce.

Problem statement
Abnormally large bosom may potentially cause postural issues that, in turn, may indirectly increase health hazards.

Team members
Wilson (Investigations)
MichaelOoi (Investigations & Report)
Pirate (Data Analyst)
William (Optical Specialist & Ballistic Consultant)
TC (Statistician)

Observation
- Subject appears to have a pair of larger than average bosom.
- Bosom increased in size over the span of 12 months ~approx. 1 – 2 inches (*excessive kneading by spouse)
- Subject exhibites a slight hint of slouching to the front.
- Gross estimation of subject’s bosom constitutes approx. 20% of body weight (excluding bra).
- Gravity test passed.
- Radiance appears to be in decreasing trend (12 months burn in period)
- No other physical defects observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
- Slouching is suspected to be due to the disproportion of body structure. High volume of tissue mass on upper half of body causes center spine to act as a fulcrum leveraging the gravitational pull of the mass – creating a concentration of strain/stress on spine. The body naturally slouches towards the front to compensate the excessive stress.
- Long term exposure may cause muscle fatigue and spinal cord injury – which may lead to paralysis or even death.
- Slouching posture may also cause both mammary glands to droop downwards towards gravitational pull and deform the original shape of bosom. High risk health hazard.
Potential scenario : Saggy/deformed/elongated bosom may stuck on moving mechanical parts when subject operates heavy machinery.

Corrective Action(s)
- Propose to permanently install a metal beam support from the lowest lumbar spine, right to the neck region of the subject. This is to distribute the stress force from the spine onto the metal support.
- Also propose to install an inverted “L” shaped bracket support under each breast. The inverted “L” bracket would help to reduce the direct gravitational pull and distribute the breast mass across the abdominal muscle.
- Subject to increase the weight of lower half of body to compensate/even-up the disproportional body size ratio.

End of report.

*I have verbally heard claims that excessive kneading of tits may increase its size… what do you guys think? Any scientific truth in it?