I began my Saturday by sending my car for servicing and then went to visit dad at Hospice. Dad isn’t looking good. His health is deteriorating fast and he looks very tired and has a slurry speech. His stomach is now bloated with fluids and has swollen legs. I couldn’t explain how bad it feels to see your own father suffering like that. I just don’t know how to put this whole thing in words…

Anyway, after visited dad, I drove back to Emily’s hometown in Perak as schedule. It was raining very heavily on the highway and the driving experience was unpleasant. Could hardly see the goddamn road. Reached at about noon and I began my suffering from thence.

Imagine, this was what I had to endure - no tv, no entertainment, no internet connection and heck, even no mobile phone signals. I spent the whole day sitting around doing nothing. Wanted to help out in the kitchen, but there was already a maid there. Wanted to help out in the shop (yes, Emily’s family lives in a business shophouse) - but they’ve got enough helpers already.

And the place was also littered with kids - Emily’s nephews and nieces. They were running around and screaming like there is not going to be another tomorrow. With so many kids around, I kept finding myself stepping on some unidentified objects on the floor - pukes, bread crumbs, grains of rice, you name it.

And for the whole day, they would watch the same video program over and over again - you know, the kind where one gets to see some stupid clown doing absurd stuffs to amuse kids and teaches them how to spell B-O-R-I-N-G at the same time. The person who invented that children educational video ought to be hung and shot repeatedly. I really can’t understand… we’ve already got so many nurseries, kindergartens and schools to educate our children (and they are expensive). Why the fuck would we need more educational videos for kids then? If the educational videos are so good, then why bother sending them to nurseries or kindergartens?

Anyway, being there was like my worst nightmare came true. After being in torment for a day, I was quick to urge Emily to leave the place immediately after my breakfast this morning. And we’re back in Penang in no time, and then I went to visit my ailing dad.

He started to sleep a lot now. His condition has worsened from the day before. I don’t know but, I think I’m going to lose my dad very soon. His time is almost up. I can feel it. And I’m very sad right now.

I hope dad will get over his sufferings soon, and then leave in peace.

Sat morning went for breakfast at Rifle Range. It was like walking back into my past. So much have changed, and yet, so much haven’t. It was like visiting a place you have not visited for 2 weeks and when you return, everyone suddenly became so old.

As I walked pass every inch of the place, it reminisced me of the old days when I was a kid. Used to play around there a lot. Recalled of the fun times I had, like climbing onto the market roof and all the fun playing hide & seek with the samseng boys. The place never looked so dirty back then. Probably I did not give a lot of attention to hygiene back then.

But I can’t deny that the place has always been a dangerous place to grow up. It’s a slum and it is very ghetto. I was one of the lucky ones to be able to leave that place for good - else I would have become another gangster there. Today, I was just there for my breakfast and left the place telling Emily heaps of stories about my childhood. And although I had the fun telling her… I can tell that she wasn’t really enjoying even a bit of it. (probably boring)

Then, we proceeded to shop around for the HK vacation. Last minute preparation kinda thing. Afternoon - visited my dad. Hung out with him for some time, until some of his really old friends visited. Some whom he haven’t met for nearly 30 years - and the first thing they said to each other was “Hey… what’s up?”. Funny isn’t it? 30 years and that was the first thing they said. His friend replied “Wow, you weren’t that skinny back then. I recognized you when I saw your tattoo!” And they continued to chat. It felt so warm seeing them reunited.

Visited dad yesterday. We had a lengthy chat about our pasts & presents. It was an emotional moment for both of us - there was one point when dad told me, that both of us haven’t been really spending a lot of time chatting like this. I felt bad about it. I had nothing to blame but myself, for spending too much of my time building my career and chasing my dreams. Well, I certainly can’t reverse that back now, nor can I travel back in time to patch things up for both of us. There’s nothing much that I can do, or want to do, other than to convince him to go to this certain place for his treatment and everything will be taken care of from now on…

Rob didn’t come to work today … so … the day was kind of relaxing … because I don’t have to see his fucking face.

Tomorrow will be my turn to MIA, as I will on my day off to accompany my dad to the hospital again. His leg is not doing very good - he is starting to limp … he is having a hard time to even walk. Don’t know why. Maybe it is his crashed liver. We’re going to the doctor tomorrow to find out. Hopefully, the doctor can do something about it. No one deserves to suffer like that.

But then, I’m not expecting much. Like, how could I expect someone to fix him back… for all the damage he had been giving to himself? It’s quite impossible, really. To be so ignorant for so many years, and then expect things to patch up just like that.

And this has also been so unfair to me. How much problem do I have to fix before i can lead a peaceful life? These family affairs of mine really get me down sometimes. They come wave after wave… no signs of stopping. I guess, when I was born, the stars were all in the wrong orientation (if they’re for real)… and perhaps that explains why I have to bear the misfortune for all my life.

And that’s probably why i don’t believe in God. If they really existed … there wouldn’t have been so much problem in this world in the first place.

It is time like this that makes me really envy those rich kids with happy families. They don’t have to give a shit about how much they’re going to spend their parents’ money. They don’t have to worry too much about their ambition. Nope … they don’t. They don’t have to worry a single thing about the balance of their family’s financial status. They’d just have to worry about how much money to ask for when they want to go bowling or fuel up a big ass car. How I wish I get to do all that.

Had an early day & brought my dad to the hospital for his medical checkup. Again… had to endure the long queue - waited from 9am - 3pm.

No serious alerts from the doctor this time - except the heads up about dad’s liver. Basically, his liver isn’t any more useful than a piece of rock now.

Well… what can I complain. My dad partied too much during his macho days & it’s time for his liver to quit. He’s paying the hefty price now. All I can do now is to get him to the doc as and when necessary…

His medication + fees cost me another 300 over bucks this time. I’m beginning to feel the pain. The doctors really make a lot of money … 2nd highest in my list of top wage suckers:
1) pub owners (yeah … parties…)
2) doctors (pub owners corrupt the livers, docs fix livers)
3) banks (my credit card debts from parties …)
4) lawyers (the fucking mortgage)

Got home at 4 & just hung around the couch pondering about money… Money is definitely mankind’s worst invention …