*Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised for the blog entry below. Consult your parents or your local magistrate if you are below 18

A friend asked me if I have ever played an ‘online game’ - and I told him ‘yeah’. The original ‘Diablo’.

If you can remember ‘Diablo’. I was a game that took the PC gaming world by storm and started the no brainer walk-and-slash frenzy over the course of few years. It was wildly popular and was, I believe, the game that first introduces free online gaming on its Battlenet servers. God knows how many hours I wasted loitering around the virtual dungeons in Battlenet, which could have been used to do something more useful, like live a life or something.

But there was one particular incident which still lives fresh in my memory till this day. It was a game of ‘Diablo’ with a couple of German chicks. I don’t quite remember how I stumbled into them but, I remember the game name they created - it was called ‘BitchSlut’.

Initially, it was just another usual game for me, you know, me minding my own business looking for monsters to kill. The German chicks were nowhere to be seen yet, but I could read the chat transcript between the girls while they were playing. I didn’t join in their chat because the topics weren’t exactly my kind of interest, but I still get to read whatever they were typing there.

It stayed that way for about the first 10 minutes, when the topic began to get saucy amongst them. The girls started to talk about their bust measurement. That distracted me for awhile… almost got my ass whooped by a lurking monster. I don’t quite remember how did they exactly discuss about their tits but, I remember myself remarking to them in the chat box - “Hey hey… there’s a guy in here. You might want to take your girly discussions offline.”

Instead of apologizing, one of them brazened out to me - “So what if you’re a guy? Not matured enough to take it?”.

It was a direct hit at my man ego. I mean, I was just trying to be nice and all. So, I decided to park my debonair personality aside, and join in their discussion. I went on to ask them - “why do you girls measure your titties in centimeters?” (as opposed to inches or cup sizes).

One of the girls answered - “it is common in Germany to measure them in centimeters” (I am not sure if they are shitting me).

Me - “the people here uses inches and cup sizes. inches for your entire chest include your back, and cup sizes for solely your tits. we don’t generally use centimeters”.

My explanation drew a few oohs and ahhs from the 2 German girls… which I have to admit, kinda weird since they should have known this better than me. (or they’re probably fucking with me.)

Seeing that these girls are actually listening, I took the subject further. I attempted to introduce them a new way to measure the size of their boobies. - “In my country, there is a more popular alternate way to measure busts. We measure them with hands. How many hands does it take to hold up one tit. If it’s big, it might require more than 1 hands to hold it up. If it’s small, it will easily take less than 1 hand. So, the measurement goes like 1/2 hand, 1 hand, 2 hands (big) or even 3 hands (humongous). It’s much easier to imagine with hands comparing to cm or inches. And you don’t need a measuring tape or tool to do it.”

As I was about to quip even more made-up facts to them, I was kicked out from the game. Without knowing why. I thought we were all having an enjoyable view-exchange session but, those girls can never maintain an open mind to complete it. Fucking German girls.

But that did not bother me a bit. I joined another game and continued to have my own fun whacking monsters/undeads. ‘Diablo’ was the only game I ever played online.

I hereby proclaim durian to be the national fruit of Malaysia. Durians not only taste good, but they’re known to be nutritious and all-purpose useful as well. If you are not aware about the facts already, please peruse the following list to enhance your general knowledge…

- They contain a lot of anti-oxidants, fibers and protein. Scientific studies revealed that durian actually can prevent herpes and also is a good agent for body cleansing (shits inside brain, cellulite, etc). Long term consumption can prolong life expectancy and also reduce the risk of dick cancer (for female = beaver cancer).

- Its expired stale smell can be used as an effective weapon to rid of insects, perverts, ugly hags, vagabonds and vermin alike (see example below).

Situation (being mugged) :
Mugger : Alright dude … this is a stickup. Give me your wallet and don’t do anything stupid. I have a gun here…

Dude that with durian breath: Hahah … you made a boo boo mugger. Eat shit and die!! [BURRRRRRPPPP]

Mugger: Arrrggghhhhh !!! … [knocked out cold from the stale durian burp gas]

- Fart gas from consumption of durians can be used as a new source of methane-based burning fuel — which in turn, can be used to replace our already depleting fossil fuel. (thus, more environmentally friendly)

- Thorny shells from durians can be used as an effective self defense weapon and also a cheap solution for American cops as a replacement for spike strips.

The list goes on…

The most wonderful thing about durian is… THEY TASTE VERY GOOD WITH CENDOL! If you haven’t tried it before, just put a dollop of durian flesh into your cendol and add a little pulut (sticky rice) - you will discover the truth of life.

Guide on how to be a datuk:

1) Get yourself a cool chick and work on her. This might require some money to start up - eg. buy an ice cream, go for a movie, they all require money.

2) Once you are sure she’s the one for you, ask her to be your girlfriend. Of course, this is a critical step to become a datuk. So, be sure she’s the one for you before you pop the question. A big boner always begins with a simple mistake.

3) Get to know her better. Learn how to like her. And when you think that she’s ready enough to be someone you’d spend your lifetime with, propose to her. Ask her to be your wife. (and get married)

4) Once she is your wife, make yourself a plan. Make your plan a sound one. Do not use condom when having sex.

5) Get her to bear some children for you. To be on the safe zone, get at least 2 - 3 boys or girls. Should be fine.

6) Raise the kids. Feed them milk and food. See them grow. Then educate and groom them well.

7) Once they reach puberty, teach them about the concept of sex and fashion. Then give your kids this guide… and ask them to start at Step 1 above.

Sit back and relax. Wait for 10 - 20 years… you will be a datuk when your kid reaches Step 5 of this guide (that you gave him in Step 7).

And who says datuk can be bought?? It requires a lot of time and commitment to be able to qualify as one ….

I think I am spending too much of my time cussing on the road. Each time I take over a steering wheel, I can’t help but to cuss this and that. I cuss at people, cars, cats, dogs - just, anything that moves and affects my driving pleasure. Sometimes, I even cuss at myself for making a boner or two, that’s how crazy I am.

I cuss indiscriminately and my cuss knows no boundary. I can cuss in multiple languages and have pretty decent knowledge on various international sign language too (although I seldom use them). Sometimes, I get some company from my passengers to cuss together and get to learn new profanities. But there are also times I get complaints from them who got uncomfortable with my way of hurling cusses at innocent motorists - and of course they will always get the standard ‘go fuck yourself’ reply from me.

So, is this really a good or a bad thing?

My mom always tell me it is not nice to cuss while driving, because the opposite side of the asshole will not be able to hear me (and I will only be hearing it myself).

But that’s not really that important to me. I don’t really give a shit if the person on the opposite side hears it or not. What’s more important, is that we get to ‘release’.

You see, we humans react to threats, naturally known as ‘reflex’. And these reflexes were developed throughout our course of evolving from a single celled organism to what we are today. For example, the pain receptor. The pain will make you pull up your hands, preventing it from further damaging your tissues. The ‘angst reflex’ is exactly the same thing… although it is more of a psychological one. When you’re angry, you yell out at the top of your lungs to release your stress. When you’ve been de-stressed, your head cools down faster and that’d naturally avert any unnecessary brawl which could land your ass into trouble and stuff.

So, to see it in another aspect, cussing inside your car is part of an important evolution. A simple act that has evolved to protect mankind from getting too aggressive by releasing tension orally. So, it’s guess it’s a good thing.

For an optimistic person (like me), cussing can also be looked as a way to understand other cultural differences too. When 2 person of different ethnic origin cusses in the same car, they get to know more about the beauty of other languages and bridge the cultural gap in between.

For example:

Summer 2000 - I was driving on 183 highway east of Austin, together with an American Vietnamese friend - whom I shall call ‘Suy’ here. The following conversation took place when we were almost hit by a large pickup truck which came out of nowhere.

[Me & Suy exclaimed simultaneously]
Suy : “Fucking asshole ! ”

Me : “Tiu nia seng ! ” (cantonese)

[Suy paused for a moment]

Suy : “Hey… what was that you were saying ?”

Me : “Oh… that’s ‘tiu nia seng’. A cantonese cuss. It means ‘fuck you something’… Not quite sure about it’s exact meaning but it’s very popular… ”

Suy : “Heheh… tiu nia seng… cool. Wait till I try this out at the office… I bet those guys won’t have a clue I’m giving them a compliment… hahah. Anymore that I should know?”

And I taught him a bit of each in different Chinese dialects and some insults in Tamil. Suy had learned something so priceless in his life that would have not been possible - if we didn’t meet that asshole in the large pickup truck by surprise and cuss the hell out of him.

So, as you can see, depending on how you look at it, cussing can be a good thing. In fact, it’s detrimental to keep much of your anger within yourself. Everything has its limit. You won’t be able to keep everything within yourself for eternity. It’s going to be much worse when you snap one day, and to unleash your accumulated anger on say, your pet dog, cat or even your own girlfriend… and hurt them. So, why keep them all inside? Let it all out. They don’t need to hear you, but you need to let them out.

Had more cendol today… ahh… it was marvelous. You know, I had so much cendol nowadays, that I think my internal organs are turning green. Arrrrhhh… goddamn it… they’re green… and i’m fucking pissed… arrrhhh…. fuck Rob… I hate Rob… arrrhhh me wanna whack Rob…

*shirt starts tearing apart into pieces ….but strangely, my Dockers would remain intact*

Arrrggg… I am so green and strong … look at my body… I have six packs now… arrhhhh…

*walks to carpark … pick up Rob’s Cefiro and flung it to the other side of the island…*

Hiyaaaggghhh ….. where is that maggot infested Rob!? Rob!!! Where the fuck are you!? Come out you mongoloid bastard !!

*jumps to office … smashes the fluorescent lights… picks up Rob.. & tears each of his limbs, giving him a slow and agonizing death…

Alright alright I’m getting carried away again. Too much vitamins & minerals from cendol makes my brain hyperactive.