Weather - hazy.

Not sure why the weather was so hazy this morning. So bad that I can hardly see beyond 500 meters. Was it due to the massive burning at Indonesia again? Or could some kind of special effect of some spaceships that are going to land on Earth? I don’t know, and I don’t really care either. I only know and cared about one thing today — it was Rob’s last day!

Omg. I have waited for this for so long. That festering undead boss of mine is finally leaving us for good! I will be celebrating this tonight with a grand dinner. Well, the dinner’s not really organized in conjunction of Rob’s departure but… I’d be happy to celebrate for that reason. A celebration of freedom.

So what makes me hate my boss so much? Many reasons, people. I’ll try to summarize them up into a few vital points for you people to understand…

The Look
- He’s an emaciated shit. God he’s so fucking thin that I could break his arms with my bare hands. And yet, he would boast about having a black belt in karate, and being the fittest. Black belt my foot.

- He’s fucking ugly. If it isn’t for the limbs to hint us that he is actually human, one might easily mistaken him for some kind of overgrown mutated parasite that has crept out of a very sick buffalo’s anus. He once tried to pick up our admin girl, asking her out for a date or something… The girl bluntly cut him off and said “You don’t even qualify the smallest fraction of my lowest acceptable requirements”. Like my friend Alvin quoted : “He is a person that only his own biological mother will love.” An eyesore to the public. An organic mistake. A total disaster.

The Brain
- He has an IQ less than 50. Anything less than that, he will not be able to tell the difference between a rock and a dog. There was once he asked me to analyze a piece of cracked LCD display after he deliberately dropped it onto the floor. I had to explain to him the nature of fragile materials vs. gravity — that they will actually break if you drop it from a certain height (eg. drop a wine glass on the floor and it will break). But still, he couldn’t figure it out and kept asking me “Why it broke? Please investigate and give me a report”. I did the report anyway - but it consisted only a couple of short sentences — “LCD panel cracked due to it’s fragile nature. Root cause was due to someone dropping it onto the cold hard floor”. He bought off the report.

- He is slow. Whenever he is in a meeting, he will always ask a lot of incoherent questions. When someone shoots him a sarcastic reply, he will not notice it and nor feel embarrassed about himself. He’s simply, too simple and dumb. A good example would be the mineral water incident. A dimwit he is.

The Demeanor
- He is a sycophant. He likes to jack up his boss’ balls up to the chin and is his pet cocksucker. Shoe polishing is his strongest trait. He doesn’t give a shit if anyone thinks of him lowly… the most important thing for him is to keep his boss happy.

- Rob is a hypocrite. He knows nothing about the thing he does but likes to act as if he’s the smartest person in the company. Example: He once asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a product failure (I’ve written about it before). If you do not know how stupid is this, then imagine if a hammer can churn out a suspension bridge. It’s just a tool, you tool.

Alright, I believe that will be enough for anyone to have an inkling on what kind of person Rob is. So I hope this justifies my hatred for him. If you don’t feel the same way like I do already, then it’s too bad for you. You’re probably another asshole like him. A social garbage. A cancer of humanity. A dent on a paint job. A scratch on a CD. Whatever.

Today, Kermit organized a trip to a local R&D (Research & Development) lab to learn about some technology shit. There were 12 participants in total - Rob included.

Our host was a middle aged Malay chap, who seemed to be quite knowledgeable about the things he do. He’d walk us through the premise with detailed elaboration. It was an eye opener for most of us. Except Rob. Rob the motherfucker, saw it as an opportunity for him to get some attention…

As usual and expected, he would ask a lot of stupid questions (to the host). I don’t know why he always does that. Maybe he thought that by asking a lot of questions, people would think highly of him or something like that. But they always don’t. Instead, it is more like a reassurance (again and again) that he’s a real dimwit. Somebody that has the intelligence of a retard, but somehow, was able to control his movements like any normal person.

But today, I had enough of his antiques. Couldn’t stand that dipshit no more and decided to mock him. The opportunity came when we were all packed into the same elevator, and all of us heard Rob asking more obtuse questions:

“So Mr Fauzy … you’re from USM?” *USM=University of Science Malaysia

“Yes. I’m from USM” Fauzy the host, clearly wasn’t very comfortable with Rob.

“That’s great… I was from USM too. So, you studied mechanical there?”

“No. I majored in [some chemical shits which I do not remember]” Fauzy was trying to keep it short.

“Oh, interesting. I studied Minerals…” Rob responded. He said that with a smug on his face, as if that was the most important thing he ever achieved in his life, besides not being a biological retard.

That was when, I decided to add something to it. I uttered softly, but loud enough for everyone in the cramped elevator to hear, “Mineral water… he studied mineral water… by looking at them”. My remarks triggered simultaneous sniggers inside the elevator.

Rob attempted to redeem his image by correcting me - “No, no, not mineral water… it’s…” He could not even finish that last sentence… because everyone of us were too busy laughing at his ass. Some shed tears… and some were seen banging their heads against the wall. I made him looked like a kid who had shit in his pants that day and he kinda slowed down in firing his questions to the host.

All I can say is, ahhhh… what a sweet revenge. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect… as he will be leaving us next week. I would have gotten anymore chance after that. And he won’t be able to do anything about it now… but to live with this humiliation for as long as he can remember.

Oh.. I am such a cruel person. I have done so many mean things to animals, that I think the animals probably hate me more than I hate Elton John. I feel so bad about myself now, and I just hope that someday, I will be able to make it back to the animals… gosh…

Here are some of the evil stuff I did to animals in the past… :

1) A dog was sleeping under my car. I ran towards the dog and stomped hard on the ground. The sound jolted the dog up from its sleep and as a result, it knocked its head underneath the small space under the car. I then laughed out loud while pointing at the dog.

2) A dog was chasing my car barking insanely at a quiet residential area. I then did the emergency brake maneuver - as the dog was too close to be able to stop in time, it crashed head first into my bumper. I then laughed out loud pointing at the dog.

3) I was walking in a neighborhood. A large white dog came up to me. The fucking dog stood up on its hind legs and put it’s paw on my chest. It was trying to lick me on the face. When I pushed it away, the dog switched its attention to my balls. I then gave the pervert dog a Bruce Lee kick on its jaw - sent it flying into a nearby drain.

4) I caught some small fishes in a river with my buddies. About 10 - 15 of them. Me and my friends then put those fishes inside a can, then lit a candle under it. As the water temperature slowly rises to near boiling temperature - the fishes got themselves some unexpected hot spring treatment.

5) A male cat was picking up a female cat. Tried to hump the female cat but kept getting rejected. Girl cat wasn’t in the mood. But sex maniac male cat was resorting to rape. When he tried to mount up again, I slingshot a rubber band on its dick and got hit spot on. Cat jumped up in pain and reflexed by scratching my hand with its claws. I got pissed off and gave the cat a kick on its ass, sent it flying a few feet away.

6) A white cat disrupted my studies when I was doing revision for an exam in a night class. My friends and I mischievously drew some graffiti on the white cat - making it the first ever Mardi Gras body painting cat exhibitionist in South East Asia.

7) A cat was walking past cautiously in front of me when I was strolling along in a village. I didn’t like the way the cat looked at me, so tried to scare the cat away by doing my best impersonation of an angry ogre. Cat panicked, and shot itself in lightning speed into a small pathway full of chickens hanging out. Cat crashed on the gang of chickens and landed on the ground several feet across. Saw plenty of feathers flying around but cat was nowhere to be seen.

Rob (my boss) asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a certain electronic failure on a motherboard. I sarcastically replied him, that if it could, there would be no more FA engineers on planet Earth. I made him look like a fucktard.

(I’m not sure if incident #8 is considered an ‘animal cruelty’. My boss is an undead, so he’s definitely not human. That’s why I decided to include that in… )

I am sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me, my dear animals… I know some of you are reading this blog.

Today, my boss Rob suddenly called for an impromptu meeting. He came up to me, Kermit & Anthony, and said “Guys… let’s meet up at the meeting room. I’ve got something to talk about.”

Fuck. “Talk my ass” - as usual, that was what I had in mind when he said he wanted to meetup. I reckoned that must be another session of him telling us more about his stupid ideas and probably gonna need us to help him achieve it. “Sadist” is his middle name and he doesn’t give a damn on how people feel about him. Maybe I should lock him up in the meeting room (after he goes in) and burn the whole room down. Yeah, that ought to be cool.

Anyway, after enough fantasizing of committing a homicide, I snapped back into reality in the meeting room. When the team’s all seated, the attention all turned to Rob. He started off with his usual way of acting like a total asshole - asking stupid stuff like what are we doing, how’s everything, etc. Like he cared. I was tempted to give him a kick square on his face and let him tell me how my soles taste like.

Then he finally told us the news - he will be leaving. For a moment there, I was stunned. It was like, striking a lottery, you know, like you just learned of something that’s difficult to believe. I thought I was in a dream! My fucking boss is finally leaving for good! Words cannot describe how fucking liberating it felt to learn that we’re finally free from this asshole’s reign of terror for so many months.

But that was all inside. We (Anthony, Kermit and myself) would continue to keep our cool as if we’re unaffected by the news - but behind the seemingly calm expression, we felt like coming in our pants and was having an internal orgasm (if there is no such thing, then perhaps we discovered it).

Nothing he said after that registered inside my mind - as I had already drifted off somewhere to give a shit what he’s going to have to say. I felt like shouting out “YEAH” loudly and can’t wait to celebrate the good news.

As we were walking back to our office cubes, Anthony asked me this - champagne or beer ? Heheh … Needless to say - it should be both. Shit, this is better than a promotion!

I’m not in my best of mood today and decided to ‘let everything out’ by blindly composing a list of people (or characters) that I hate most. If anyone here isn’t too happy about this, go fuck yourself.

Elton John - I hate this chicken head faggot because he has a real bad taste in fashion and he sings like a mutated frog with sore throat. I hate his hairstyle, his songs and his goddamn piano. He is a walking disaster to the music industry.

Moos - My workplace’s HR director. She looks like the female version of Jabba the Hutt. Hell, her voice even sounded the same like Jabba’s. She bellows when she talks and she leaves slimy marks on the floor (like a fucking slug) wherever she schleps. Apart from her tragic outlooks, I hated her because she’s the one who altered all our employee benefits for her own benefit… If we’re in the real Star Wars realm, I would have burnt her labia with a lightsaber.

Rob - my ex-undead boss. He is the worst boss in the world, if not the universe. I hate him more than roaches. He is nothing but a mindless festering piece of decomposed corpse who goes around messing with people’s life and he ought to be obliterated for good.

Skeleton Lady - A management figure in my workplace. A bulimic bitch snob and also a hypocrite. Always brag about how rich she is and can never stop acting like a consummate cunt. Got class my ass - people like her ought to be hung and shot and hung again.

Bubba - the cafeteria roti canai cook at my workplace. This motherfucker knows nothing about roti canai. His roti canai are hard like flattened erasers (or used condoms) and the gravy is practically water mixed with cheap curry powder. He is an insult to the food industry and he ought to be put to sleep like Rob. I had sent many complaints to the canteen committee (led by Moos) and still, there hasn’t been any action taken against this shit head. Maybe that’s because they’re having an affair (Moos - Bubba).

TFS - Abbreviation for ‘The Finance Slut’. A name co-created by myself and my colleague for a finance accountant in my workplace. She’s an annoying airport bitch who kept asking us irrelevant questions just to feel important. When we asked her to fuck off and leave us alone, she back stabbed us by injecting lies about us to our boss. Fucking bitch ass motherfucking cunt.

Egg - A junior supplier rep whom I dealt with frequently. He is an annoying prick. Always ask stupid questions. And what’s made worst, is that this guy has halitosis! His breath ranks so bad that it emits radioactive rays and causes cancer. That’s why I always dive for cover whenever he opens his mouth. Fuck!

Cockroach - an insect/vermin/terrorist that has outlived the dinosaurs. Know why the dinosaurs extincted? It was because of the roaches’ fucking smell. Everytime I see a roach, I will stomp on it till all its green entrails squirt out. I’ll then pour gasoline on its remains and smother the shit out of it.

Christina Aguilera (if i spelled it correctly) - Her voice sounded like someone choking on a strand of pubic hair from a hardcore oral sex, and her fake titties are revoltingly revolting. Makes me sick just by looking at her.

Freddy - The guy who sits near the entrance inside my office area. Goddamn, I fucking hate him (for no reason).

Dickhead - An asshole manager. He speaks loudly and acts condescendingly to his employees but behaves like a wiener when confronted by people of higher ranks. A typical snoot. I just hope someday he would be reporting back to his own employee and eat back the shits that he always barf on others.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur - Aren’t dinosaurs supposed to be extincted ??? This stupid piece of purple lardy lizard with beer belly ought to be hung, shot, hung again and fed to the sharks.

That’s about it. I’ll add more if i recall more of them later …