My friend Ayamas suggested to rent a bungalow for the New Year celebration and the BODs are all set for the plan. The girls are particularly excited about it. One of them even said, “First, we go for a party at the club… and then we drink ourselves into stupor. If it’s still not enough, we can go back to the bungalow and drink even more. And then can puke together, yippee!” [she was serious]. The very statement of that girl made me cringe in fear. No, not because of the mass alcohol suicide party she suggested but, I was thinking about the funds involved. You know, booze nowadays are sure expensive.

As we all knows, we guys have thick ego. Whenever we are out partying with girls, we are always the one who whips out our wallet and pay for everything. As I said, it’s an ego thing. We like to act as if we guys are born to protect the girls and give them everything they desire (concept of “gentlemen”). But little does everyone realize that, girls nowadays earn as much as we guys do (some even more)… and hell… they do drink like an alkie camel! In the end, it is the “gentlemen” who suffers, and they will appoint more ‘bosses‘ to protect them [boss = credit carddsss].

And due to the fact that Christmas is so close to the New Year celebration, you can best bet that most guys would spend their brand new year with a big hole in his pocket. And I reckon that is why, it is so hard for most ‘interesting and fun’ guys (party goers) to have a handsome savings. Thanks to their ‘gentlemen’ code, that’s the price they have to pay to keep girls around them happy/impressed.

For those who manage to save some in their bank at a relatively young age, they are most probably a bunch of frugal douche bags that was downright boring and dull… probably even a goddamn workaholic. (nope, not even a geek… because a geek would have spent most of his money on computers and gadgets).

So, girls, it couldn’t have been more apparent than this. You want a romantic/gentleman dude?, you can expect him to be broke and not so very well off (see reasons above). If you want your beau to be a rich and ‘pacat‘ (hokkien for ‘dense and full of substance’)? Expect him to be dull, like drain water.

That is why, I am working my ass off to close up the gap between these 2 types of male species here. Short term goal, I would like to party hard enough on Christmas / New Year, and yet, have enough money to get cocky for the coming Chinese New Year. I’m a balance of both… (no, not dull, mind you…)

“Where have you been these few days?? You think this house is a hotel aa ?” — that’s what my mom used to shout at me when I spent more time outside than inside, only to return home to sleep. That was many years ago when I was still a juvenile (though I have to admit that I virtually still am now). It happened again a few days ago. No… not my mom shouting, but me busy going out with friends. It started on Monday 24th November:

Monday 24 November

8.00 am - working as usual

3.00 pm - the guys called. movie tonight. plan was set.

5.00 pm - went home to take a bath and got ready to go out again.

7.45 pm - went for my physiotherapy session.

8.40 pm - finally my turn to start the physio after waiting for more than 40 minutes. Damn physiotherapist… but the nurse on duty there was kinda cute.

9.50 pm - the actual physiotherapy took only 30 mins but it lasted about an hour because the physiotherapist was attending to several patients all at the same time. Apparently, sports injury in Penang is more popular than Linkin Park. But I was cool about it because of the cute nurse.

10.00 pm - Arrived at the cinema parking lot. The place was 25 minutes away but it only took me 10 minutes to arrive. I was speeding like bat out of hell.

10.05 pm - My front tire looked abnormal. It was supposed to be round. Figured that it had a puncture after a few test pokes. Tire was pierced by a big long fucking nail. Shouldn’t have blogged about changing a punctured tire 2 weeks ago. Taboos are real.

10.06 pm - Decided to worry about the puncture later. Went ahead to meet the guys up first to find out which movie were we watching. It was “Brother Bear”.

10.20 pm - Went back to the parking lot. Burned a few thousand calories changing that flat fucking tire. Soaked with sweat as car park was musty and poorly ventilated. Got it done in 15mins.

11.30 pm - “Brother Bear” started screening. Wasn’t too impressed but, it was alright. Could’ve been better with more fight scenes / gore.

Tuesday 25 November

1.40 am - Back at home. Took a bath… went to sleep. Freaking tired.

11.30 am - Woke up. No wet dreams. Not working - Raya holiday.

12.30 pm - Went to the mechanic and had my flat tire fixed. Serviced my car as well.

2.30 pm - Mechanic told me my punctured tire was beyond help. It was fucked. Suggested to change the tires or live with a high risk getting it flat again.

2.35 pm - I took 5 minutes to think about it and decided to have all my tires changed.

3.30 pm - Car was done and paid the bill. The bill came up to about 500. I was literally broke.

4.00 pm - The guys called again and suggested shopping. Plan was set. Going to lug Emily along.

5.00 pm - Emily started her shopping session with the girls. Me and the BOD were tagging behind. God I hate shopping with girls.

8.00 pm - The girls were still not done with their shopping. My legs were at the brink of exploding.

8.30 pm - The girls were finally done with their shopping after our constant complaining. Somebody then suggested dinner at a seafood restaurant.

9.00 pm - Arrived at the seafood restaurant. The place sucked and everything was expensive. Lots of stray dogs there. Worst dinner I ever had in months.

10.00 pm - Hung out at a cafe. Had some dessert food to cover up the bad seafood dinner earlier.

2.00 am - Back home to sleep again. Super freaking tired.

And today, I had to wake up at 8am to go to work. When I woke up, my eyelids were heavy… can’t get it to open. I am virtually drifting out and about as of now. I seriously can’t take such shit any longer. Evident of age catching up…

I was at a club last night with the BODs, and I saw an old friend, Mark. Mark was there alone at the club last night, and he was there to look for easy girls to pickup. We chatted for a while, and then he went off to look for ‘victims’, while I continued to drink with the BODs.

About a good half an hour later, Mark returned and came to me, his hand crutching a girl, but he was looking somewhat disoriented and distracted (he kept looking over the girl’s shoulder). He then did a perfunctory introduction to ‘his’ girl

Mark : Mike … I want you to meet my friend, Stephanie. Stephanie… this is Michael. A good friend. [glance over her shoulder]

Girl : Damn it Mark !! I am Samantha ! [face turned real nasty]

Mark : Oh… yeah, Samantha. That’s what I said, right? Meet Michael [glance over her shoulder again]

Me : Fuck you Mark. You forgot your chick’s name? You ought to be put to sleep man!

Mark : Heheh… not a big deal. Hey, I’m gonna leave her here, now why don’t you guys chat a little cos’ I got something really important to do?

I then saw Mark bolted off hastily towards another chick, which I presumed was his new target. Obviously, his mind was full of that girl and this Samantha was his canceled project.

Poor Samantha.

I don’t know what was she thinking. Mark was off somewhere and never going to be back, and yet, she still looked content and shit. If it was me, I would have fumed off or at least went to look for Mark to clobber that fucker’s head. But she hung around nevertheless. She even attempted to start a conversation with me by asking stupid questions like “I haven’t seen you around here before, you’re not from Penang?” I was about to tell her that she must have hell of a good memory to be able to remember every faces but, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her. So I blurted some bullshit that I was away in London for some kind of assignment. And then she said even more things, which I couldn’t hear because of the loud music, and I do not intend to go anywhere near her (because my wife was at the table next to mine)

Even if my wife was not around, I wouldn’t have continued the conversation anyway. She just isn’t my type for many reasons. Mark probably tackled her because she has a fuckable body figure, but her face, is the type that you’d want to cover up when you’re having your meal because if you don’t, it’ll come out from your mouth on your plate along with your gastric juice and stomach lining. Seriously, I was beginning to suspect that Mark actually has a sexual fetish for ghost and goblins.

Anyway, I continued to nod for about a good minute before excusing myself. I didn’t want to be rude so, I just took step after step inch myself away from her… and when the guys started another round of routine toast again… I excused myself by saying I need to get back at my table and bolted off.

Didn’t know what happened to Samantha after that. Mark did came back to check out on our progress, but that Samantha chick was long gone and I made a comment about his taste. His response was just a short comment - “Dude, sometimes, where you’re out of supply and nothing to do - you can’t afford to be choosy…”

I’d rather jack off.

It has been some time since I last clubbed. So, yesterday, I planned for a night out with the BODs (Board of Directors, my group of best of buddies) to rekindle our youth-hood.

But our plan had to be scrapped in the last minute when my friend Henry and his girl suddenly fell ill, and requested to go for something lighter. So, we went for a movie instead.

Apparently, Henry’s girl already had something in mind - it was a movie called “White House”. I was like - “What the fuck - White House???”. I certainly have never heard of that title before. Henry’s girl said that it was a new title, a Chinese horror movie that would scare the shit out of us and should be fun. But they were all untrue, as I later learned…

1) The movie is called “White Room”. Not White House.
2) It was not a Chinese movie. It was a Korean movie.
3) It was a horror movie alright, but it did not ’scare the shit’ out of anyone.

I knew it was a fucking mistake then moment I set my foot into the cinema, as the first thing I noticed was - the movie was in Korean language. Now, think for a bit, why would a movie shown in Malaysia presented in Korean language?? I know there might be some Koreans or people that speaks Korean in Malaysia… but it would not be significant, not enough to even plot a revolt against a whorehouse.

We decided to stay on nevertheless, since we’ve already paid for the ticket, we’d just read the subtitles and see if it’s any good. 10 minutes after the movie started, an abnormally tall guy came in and took a seat right smack dab right in front of me. This guy… being tall for one thing, also sat so upright straight like a human sized dildo, with his big fucking head blocking the entire view of the lower half of the screen, obscuring the subtitles.

(If you don’t already know, our Malaysian cinema seats are not sloped appropriately between the rows to prevent viewing disruptions. If a dude decides to sit like a tin soldier, you’ll have to tilt your head to the side to be able to see the screen or you’ll end up watching his stupid head for the entire length of the movie.)

I was seriously pissed at that time. First, my plan for a good night out failed. Second, we chose to watch the wrong movie. And now third, I have this tall guy with a fucking dick head blocking my view. I was at the verge of having a homicidal rage. At one point, I actually lost my cool and gave a hard kick to the back of that bloke’s seat. The kick was hard enough to jolt the entire row of the seats… but the guy was oblivious about it. A group of teenagers who sat further down the same row however, felt the kick and started to glance over. Probably swearing and shit but, still the guy didn’t give a fuck about anyone. What an inconsiderate moron.

I had to tilt my head to the side and adjust myself multiple times just to get a proper view of the screen. It was a total turn off and that probably killed the mood to watch anything. And that’s probably why I thought the movie sucked. It has to be the worst movie ever. Bad seat, foreign language, bad plot and cheap effects. An utter failure.

More of my juvenile days (long entry):

+++++++++++++

I was only 16 at the time of the event.

I was having a game of soccer with the BODs, when out of the blues, someone suggested to go for a soak at a waterfall. Since everyone thought that it was a marvelous idea, we decided to go ahead with the plan, to do it at a remote waterfall place that we knew.

It was scheduled 24 hours from the time the suggestion was made, therefore, we had very little time to plan for anything. We wanted to have some barbecue there, so we appointed Ayamas to buy 60pcs of chicken wings and had him plead his grandmother to marinate them all for us. And then there were some impromptu stuff as well, all done within a couple hours.

The plan was set. Everyone gathered at Ayamas’ home the next morning. The total headcount was about 16 - all within the same age range, except Ayamas’ uncle, which I’ll refer him as Nick - he was in his early 30’s and he had the prerequisite of being crazy that made him seem alright to our group. (actually, he even surpassed the crazy limit which the society would consider as normal…). And when everything was alright, we set off to our destination in a convoy of 5 - 6 motorcycles and one car.

The waterfall was located at a somewhere near a tourist destination in Penang, but the exact site that we were heading was a little bit uphill from there. It requires a short hike up but, the good thing was, the water was cleaner there - since we were almost at the source.

Anyway, it only took us 5 minutes’ hike to reach the spot. The place was big and our group was the only one there. We then set up a nice fire and started to the barbecue right away. And then the soaking. It was simply out of this world. (the waterfall has since gone, the place was flooded to make way for a dam)

Halfway through the barbecue, Nick suddenly did something unimaginable. He stripped himself naked and jumped into the water. I mean, this is not something common in our country - skinny dipping in the public is considered a crime. But then, since there were only us guys there, it didn’t really matter anyway. It was awkward at first but, after some time, we all got used to his crazy antics. We all had a blast there swimming and running around like overgrown kids. The place was nice and clean - and we had it all by ourselves.

There were a few times while we’re swimming in the water, Nick threatened to pee from the top of the stream. “Who wants some Chinese tea?” he would jeer and laugh. And he would sometimes squat with his ass facing us from top of the fall - and started groaning as if he’s straining his shit out. Nick was the craziest dude I’ve ever met in my life.

Then suddenly, something unusual happened. We saw Nick going panic and dived into the water. He then frantically waddled through the pool up to the ground & quickly got himself dressed. As we’re about to ask him what was wrong, he pointed downstream from our location towards a group of people. We saw them but weren’t sure if they were males or females.

Well, it turned up to be neither both. They were a bunch of 3 ‘pondan’s (transvestites). Two of them were in their mid 50’s and the other in his 30’s who resembled Beavis in many ways (if you don’t know who is Beavis, shame on you. Go find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it and flush). When the queers saw us, they were like bubbling with joy. Pardon me but, I am an open minded person. A gay or homosexual dude won’t get me up from my seat (that’s because they usually look and behave like any regular guy) but a ‘pondan’, will make me squirm out of my skin.

Our activities were all put on hold, because we weren’t comfortable with the unexpected company. The 3 queers took over the place like they’re some kind of infectious parasites (although they were located a little further down the stream, about a good 30 meters away). Those queers were doing all sorts of weird stuff there, as we could see clearly from our location - they were washing each other’s ass, stroke each other’s wrinkled body, etc. It was a revolting sight.

Nick couldn’t stand them and he took a pee into the stream. Some of us followed suit and took a pee as well. As those ‘pondan’s were located downstream from us, they’d be bathing in the stuff that just came out from our bladder. But then, they were too busy with their gross activities to notice that we were blessing them with our ‘holy golden water’, and the thought of that made us all laughing out loud like we’re been gassed, which attracted the trio’s attention.

Nick, noticing that they’re looking at us, began to taunt the bunch of queers. “Hi girls… wanna fuck?”. That was an equivalent of a Jonestown mass suicide death mantra. The ‘pondan’s were duly aroused by Nick’s taunt. Then one of them shouted in retort “Come lah… guys… oh come please…”, and one of them flashed us his lardy ass and slapped his its cheek repeatedly. Almost got us black out from the over exposure of visual attack.

Then, one of the BODs (i’ve forgotten who) hurled a small pebble towards them. It didn’t struck any of the targets. Henry, who got extremely agitated, started to hurl profanities uncontrollably at the bunch of queers. But they were indifferent about it. They hurled back more disturbing taunts like “Oh come fuck me bebeh… I am waiting here for you…”

Nick, who was enjoying the whole experience, shouted back “Hey girls… why don’t you come up here and fuck us? We’ll all wait for you here…”. Well, thanks to Nick, the ‘pondan’s procrastinated no further and started to advance towards our direction. That was when we realize that we’re in DEEP pile of motherfuckingly serious shit. It took us only a millisecond to react - we grabbed our things ready to flee while the others started hurling more pebbles, stones and leftover chicken bones towards the three advancing transvestites - to buy us enough time to bail a safe passage from the place.

You can imagine the whole situation like Sam Raimi’s movie Evil Dead, you know… Bruce Campbell on rampage shooting at the advancing undead army to buy time for his friends to escape. Only that our villains were much more horrifying than the undeads. Luckily, unlike Bruce’s fate in the movie, we managed to bail out on time alright.

As we were running towards our vehicles, Henry continued to hurl profanities at the 3 ‘pondan’s. He was lucky that he didn’t trip on any tree roots just like in those horror movies - that was because we were all running so fast that it would be impossible for us to take notice of anyone falling. It would be difficult to imagine what would become of anyone who was left behind with these 3 dick-hungry swishy faggots. Once we got to our vehicles, we fled the place without looking back.

Now who would have thought that a fun filled day would suddenly turn into a tragic outing like this? Well, the lesson learned was, always plan your outing earlier. Never do it at the last minute. If we were to have more time to plan the picnic out, we would have brought a few mean dogs along. Shackle them up at a safe distance to ward off intruders - and our picnic would have been undisturbed.