Saturday night (or rather Sunday morning), when I was on my way home from watching a late night movie, I saw from a distance away this unexpected traffic congestion near a junction. That struck me as fucking weird. Like, traffic? At 3am?

As I drove my car closer to the junction, I started to realize that it wasn’t really a traffic congestion that I saw. It was a group of people on motorcycles. For one moment, I thought it was an election campaign went too far, but apparently I was wrong. Those were actually illegal motorcycle racers having their congregation right in the middle of the expressway.

From my rough estimation, there were probably a few hundreds of them there - which made the whole assembly look like a swarm of locusts having a sex party. Except that locusts do not emit as much exhaust fumes as they did.

It was a very ugly sight. Malay kids with weird hairstyles (yeah, some didn’t wear their helmets) revving their loud motorcycles to show off their piece of modified 2 wheelers. I can’t help but wonder, what are these boneheads trying to achieve by participating in such despicable acts? Frankly speaking, I don’t fucking know. If they are looking for thrills, they could have rode their motorcycles off a cliff or something… or join some x-games event. Racing on the expressway endangering / disturbing the life of others - that’s just plain abominable.

It is not that I care if they got themselves killed or whatever… but I’m more concerned that these lowlives would damage our cars in the process of getting killed - man, that is going to be a drag. Imagine the troubles of claiming insurance and getting our cars repaired… not to mention the depreciation our car’s value after killing someone (albeit a lowlife) in the accident. And all those buggers do, is to lie down quietly for their family members bury them a few feet under… and become fertilizers for the plants - while we got ourselves entangled with the law and shit.

And then what will happen if there were to be a platoon of extra-terrestrial beings from another planet come for a visit, and their first encounter with us humans happens to be these bunch of vagrants? I bet those ET’s aren’t going to be impressed. If they have the capacity to attack, they’d fucking do it without qualms. Same for me. If I happen to drive a big truck or something, and had the chance to mow these bunch of retards, I’d do it without qualms. More to that, I’m going to get down from my truck and spit at their corpses.

The government ought to do something about this. Like, to enforce the speed limit of motorcycles to just 50kph. If possible, ban all motorcycles that could speed beyond that limit. That way, they won’t be able to ride fast. And whoever modifies their motorcycle and violates the law - mandatory whipping or death penalty, or both (whip first, then hang)

Don’t like it? Well, don’t fucking speed on a motorcycle. Go ride a bicycle or something.

Circa 1990 - 1999. My worst years of living around weird neighbors.

Right across my house’ front yard, lived a spinster in her late 30’s codenamed FatMary… and her lunatic dog, Barney.

Why was she weird? Well, she fucking talked to her psychotic dog, that’s why. I mean, not like “Sit !” or “Eat!” that kind of talk. She would talk to her dog elaborately like it was her lover or something. And when Barney fails to answer her back, she would yell at it - “Barney! why you no answer me ??” (yep, she loves to shout around her house in broken English to that garbage hound). I had been crudely awakened from countless of sleeps and naps with her yelling around like that - there was simply no peace at all living next to her.

Her dog Barney, was also a retarded lifeform like FatMary. It was a mongrel that was born without a brain and an amplified bark loudspeaker connected directly to a biological motion sensor. The product was Barney, a bark machine that would bark at anything that moves - cats, lizards, chickens, ants, FatMary… you name it. It would bark day and night without rest.

It was particularly frustrating for me especially when I came home late & supposed to be in a stealth mode (you know, I was still too young for discos and stuff)… only to wake the entire neighborhood when Barney fucking barked like there was no tomorrow when I touch the gate.

It was my teen-hood trauma - for not being able to grow up like any other normal teenagers. Each time I had my dose of fun at clubs/discos, my mom would always find out and gave me mind numbing lectures. Thanks to Barney the goddamn psychotic dog.

There was once, my father got so frustrated with Barney… that he actually hurled his then Motorola MicroTac (known to be an effective weapon against anything) to the dog. It hit Barney square on the head and had it hiding in the cage for days.

Well, the fucker dog was still around when I moved out from the neighborhood in 1999. I remember giving the dog a few pelts of slingshots before leaving the place — as a token of appreciation for the hundreds of sleepless nights it had given to me throughout the years.

Goddamn. Lots of problems at work since yesterday. That explains why I haven’t got the time to do my own stiff lately (blogging, surfing, etc).

Well, one of my problems today was to work with a contractor called ‘Egg’. Now, if you have been following my blog, you would probably recognize this name, he was one of the fortunate people featured in my hate list before.

You see, this guy has a very serious problem with his breath. It stinks. Hell, it reeked so bad that I suspect that if I were to stand around him long enough, my white shirt would turn yellow. Alright, that might be over the top but, you get the point.

Each time Egg opens his mouth, I would be pressed to dive for cover. His breath had already destroyed a couple of my notebooks and partially damaged some of my expensive equipments. And I’ve already spent a lot of money fixing those stuff in my lab… all because of his stinking breath.

Alright… I made all that up, but the truth is still — he’s got a terminal case of halitosis. His appearance may look like a normal human… but when he opens his mouth, you’d think that he’s a decomposing corpse in disguise.

I do not know if he knows he has an awful breath. But having seen all the gag reflex around him… I reckon he should have some inkling that people are appalled whenever he’s in proximity. And yet, strangely, he did not seem to have done anything about it.

But then, considering the seriousness about his breath problem - I doubt that it can be solved by just chewing a pack of mint gum. I asked myself, what do people normally do to decomposing corpse? Yep, they cremate them. Burn them. Hence, for Egg’s case, I can assume that his breath can only be cured by burning whatever that’s rotting inside his mouth. Like maybe, have him swallow a can of petrol and light up. That way, it would not only stop the decomposition process but also eliminate the bacterias that causes the foul odor as well. And while he’s doing the therapy, he take the opportunity to impress his friends…

Man, if only he’s that considerate and smart…

I’ve never had a normal neighbor before. I’ve had many neighbors, and they were all either psychotic or dipshits.

I know some of you smartasses might say that the problem probably lies with me instead of them. Ok, maybe it has all along been me - but then, how could I be so wretched when all I ever did was to keep quiet and mind my own business? So, obviously, this isn’t about me. It’s about them degenerates.

One of the most wretched neighbor that I ever had was that old Indian lady that lived next to my family circa 1990 - 1999. We didn’t know much about her except that she was an immigrant from India and doesn’t speak any of our local language here. That wasn’t really a problem for us because we didn’t give a flying fuck about her.

But there was something not right about this old Indian hag. She had this penchant of rearing chickens in her yard… which was only a thin fence’s away from our garden. It wouldn’t be an issue at all had her chickens been behaving normal. But then, her chickens seemed to have somekind of dysfunctional biological clocks… that made them cluck and crow boisterously day/night without stop.

Imagine about 20 over chickens doing the same thing. They were like having their own heavy metal concert at every fucking awakening moment. I was especially affected by her chickens because the thing was right in front of my room window! With the odor and noise stressing my patience everyday, it wasn’t long before I started to lose my shit and took some initiatives of my own to settle the problem. When the chickens got really noisy, I would spray them with water jets from my garden hose. It didn’t really help with the noise but, it kind of helped me to vent out properly and averted myself from imploding with rage.

Then, after about a couple of years going through the same thing, the situation got worst. The old hag started to feed her chickens with stale rice and rotten dishes that she collected from around the village. And when the chickens couldn’t them all in time, the food would decompose and would emanate some fetid stench around the area. It was fucking horrible. If you want to imagine how was it like, just think of living next to a big garbage dump full of rotten organic stuff.

My mom once got so pissed off, that she bought a container full of toxic floor cleaner and poured it into the chicken feed - in hope that it would kill the chickens. But the effort was futile. The chickens seemed to oblivious to any kind of threat, and would live on getting healthier each day (and noisier).

Then not long after that, she began to collect pieces of discarded zinc roofs in her yard. It didn’t take very long for that place to become a haven for rats, roaches and other vermin alike. It was the darkest period for our family right then.

Of course, my parents attempted to talk to the Indian hag about the problems, but each time my parents did that, the old misfit would shun us off… pretending not being able to understand our language. And we had to live with the inconveniences of being her neighbor for a few more years, before our family got into a big ass feud and everyone moved the fuck out of the wretched hellhole.

I was awakened by a violent knock on my front door this morning. Still suffering the hangover from the drinking binge the night before, I lazily schlepped over to answer the knock. It was an Indian lady… whom I recognized as the bitch neighbor who lives 2 floors beneath my apartment.

Me : “Yeah ?”

Bitch : “Eh… itu kereta nombor XXX kamu punya?”
[translation: is that car with the number XXX yours?]

Me : “Ermm yeah… it is my mom’s car. What seems to be the problem?”

Bitch : “You boleh adjust itu kereta ka?? Itu tempat untuk orang cuci kereta… kereta saya tak boleh masuk!”
[can you adjust your car?? That's a carwash lot and I need to wash my car!]

Apparently, my ignorant mother parked at the carwash lot again, and she had gone out with my aunt. But I did not have her car keys with me at that time, so there was nothing I can do about the car. And that bitch wanted to wash her car, like, very desperately.

She was looking very pissed and was very rude when talked to me. Actually, I was not any less pissed too - partly because I was deprived of sleep, and secondly, she was yelling at me. But since I do not want any troubles, I tried to play it nice as I do not want to be ‘the unfriendly guy in the neighborhood’.

Me : “I’m really sorry about that but, my mom’s not in and I do not have her car key. Anyway, I’ll make sure she’s informed and move her car promptly.”

Bitch : “Ok”

And she left. I immediately called my mom on her cellphone after that, and gave her a good scolding. She told me that she was on her way home and it shouldn’t be long. So, I went back to my sleep. About 5 minutes later, I was crudely awakened again… this time, it was somebody honking the car. I went out to check the commotion, it was the same Indian bitch. She was honking her car like a lunatic, behind my mom’s static automobile.

Me : [irated] “What do you want?”

Bitch : “Eh… lu tak mau adjust lu mia kereta ke??”
[Eh... why haven't you adjust your car yet??]

I was fucking pissed.

Me : “Didn’t I just tell you, I do not have the fucking keys! What do you want me to do now?? Why can’t you hold back your oh-so-important mission to wash your car until my mom comes back??”

Bitch : “Orang nak cuci kereta… tiap kali kena naik rumah kamu untuk cakap! Susah macam ni!”
[Each time I want to wash my car, I'll have to come up to your place to ask you move your car! This isn't right!]

Me : [super fucking pissed] “Go fuck yourself”

But I think she did not hear my cuss. What I could not understand was, why couldn’t she just fucking wait? I already told her I do not have the fucking key to my mom’s car. I wonder what was she expecting me to do, burn my mom’s car to ashes so that she can use the carwash lot??

And her car is just a 10 over years old Proton junk. And she fucking washes her car a few times a week… what kind of sadistic creature would wash its car a few times a week? (I only washes mine a few times A YEAR. And my car is much more expensive than her’s…) Only an uneducated yokel like her would do that (that explains why she couldn’t communicate in English…)

I hope this would be the last time of our encounter. The next time she yells or honks at me, I’m gonna wreck her fucking car up so bad that she won’t be able to wash it ever again in her miserable life.