March 8, 2010

MB

Whenever I am cutting through the country roads when fetching my wife back to her hometown, there is always this one type of driver that peeves me down to my spine – I’d call them, The MBs. It is an acronym of something rather insensitive, so, just take it as it is.

These MBs, are usually identifiable by their trademark of sticking an arm out of the window. Usually males of Malay descent. No one knows why do they do that. Some say they do that because they smoke. But I’ve seen many of them who weren’t smoking, and would still stick out an arm just for the hell of it.

Now, why do I harbor such a deep animosity towards these MBs? That’s because they’re road hazards and they make our lives difficult. How? By driving like sloths. Almost all of them would drive at speed lower than 30 kph. That’s roughly the speed of an old man with arthritis on a bicycle. If one has a skull cap on, that’s a Pak Haji variant of the MBs. These Pak Hajis are the elites of being extremely slow like fuck, and their speed is roughly 20kph to a total stop on the middle of the road. These people are so slow on roads, that heavy trucks are desperate enough to overtake them at tight corners – endangering the oncoming traffic in the process. God knows how many people were killed in road accidents because of them.

I suspected that these people drive so slow because of their intrinsic habit of being rustic. Pretty much like why a dog still runs in circle before going to sleep despite living in an urban setting. These people are so used to riding on bull carts and buffaloes, that it got ingrained in their DNA to move at that range of speed (this also explains why they are not able to operate any indicator switch inside a darn car. Carts and buffaloes do not have switches). That’s why when they get to drive a motorized vehicle, they couldn’t help but being fascinated with the fact that they don’t have to feed that thing some hay or flog it to make it move. Just step on the pedal and off they go. They’d then stick their arm out of the window to feel the wind caressing them and have a Pocahontas moment there.

To all of you MBs out there, fuck you. I hope all your chickens will turn into toyols and steal all your goats, and you’d have nothing to fuck when you’re bored.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 11 Comments
March 3, 2010

brand recognition

Two of my colleagues were chatting with each other on their instant messenger. One was in the lab located at the other side of the factory, one was right next to my cubicle. The one next to my cubicle got up and went away, and left his IM on.

Seeing a golden opportunity to play a prank on him, I typed the following into the conversation box from his computer :

“Fuck you [the lab guy’s name]”
“Suck my dick”

Almost instantly, the lab guy replied,
“Is that you Michael?”

This, my friends, is a perfect example of ‘brand recognition’. And I’m proud of it.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 7 Comments
March 2, 2010

be a sport

This morning, I heard from a friend relating about how his boss was so bitter about an asshole manager who instigated some of his ‘talented’ workers to defect to another department. That was when I remarked to my colleague – “Your boss is a sore loser”.

That’s right. For whining like a cheebye. Instead of figuring out why his employees left his department, that guy chose to whine and bitch about how unethical it is for someone to woo away his workers. Boo hoo. It is as if his employees belonged to him like a commodity, and are destined to work for him forever.

Then I said to my friend – “Didn’t your boss read ‘Romance of the Three Kingdoms’?”

You can’t keep a great general in confinement doing menial things. A great general is born to do great things, expecting great rewards. If you do not provide enough for him, it will be a matter of time before that great person decides to leave for a better prospect. If for some strange reason the general choose to be a bum working for you for a lesser reward, then that general must not have been that ‘great’ in the first place, or he must have hurt his head pretty bad when he was a kid.

Same here. You can’t expect your employees to be happy with their job if you do not provide enough to keep them there. Common sense 101.

Think we’re all here working for the company? We’re here for the money, numbnut – if you don’t know that already. No money, no honey. And even if the money’s good, it still pretty much boils down to how satisfying and rewarding the job itself is — to sustain my psyche — although that can still be compromised with a huge paycheck. There you go.

If you’re one of those whiny boss, be a sport. This is strictly business, nothing personal. Just shut the fuck up and spare your generals’ backs please.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 3 Comments
March 1, 2010

Mike the waiter

Manager approaches Mike the waiter, who is working on something at the restaurant,

Manager: “Mike, just wanted to let you know that I’ve fired Arun the janitor. In case you’re wondering why he doesn’t show up today…”

Mike: “What?? Why did you do that?”

Manager: “Cost reduction initiatives. He has to go.”

Mike: “Then who is going to sweep the joint, clean up the toilets and empty the trash cans everyday?”

Manager: “Errr, you mean, he had been doing all that?”

Mike: “Don’t you know that? He’s also the sole person in-charge of washing the dishes.”

Manager: “Oh crap… I didn’t know that… Can you guys cover his job then?”

Mike: “Then who’s going to wait the tables? You, Manager?”

Manager: “Hmmm let me think this through… I’ll get back to you on this…”

An hour later…

Manager: “I think I have plan. We sub-contract the janitorial job out to a third party service, how’s that?”

Mike: “So, you fired the janitor, and now you want to sub-contract out his chores to a third party service?”

Manager: “What’s wrong with that?”

Mike: “Don’t you reckon that it’s still way cheaper and easier to hire back Arun for this?”

Manager: “No it’s our HR policy. We can’t get Arun back once he is out. And our headcount is frozen, we can’t hire a new one either. We have to stick to the plan. I’m going to assign you this project. It will be a good opportunity for you to improve yourself.”

Stress veins start to pop up on Mike’s head. He removes his apron, and lunges at the manager. Then he uses the apron to strangle the manager till he is choking for breath and takes out one of his handy ball point pen, and repeatedly stabs the manager in the face until he is no longer moving.

Mike the waiter then lives happily and peacefully ever after inside the prison.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 5 Comments
February 25, 2010

full of love

My wife Emily gave me a belated Valentine’s Day gift on Tuesday. A bit late but, it matters not to me. I am full of love now.

I tell you, it was so one of a kind and special, that it was airborne. It was a love virus. I bet not many of you have experienced this. It started with a period of constant coughing by Emily. I thought she was sick or something, little did I know that she was playing a love ritual that no human had ever done before. Her cough kind of sent a copious amount of love virus into the air, and subsequently latched themselves into my lungs like little microscopic Cupids. And once I was infected with the love virus, I started to cough like her – and that made both of us do the same act in sync, how romantic!

Now, everytime I hawk up a wad of greenish phlegm into the wash basin, I’d feel the butterflies in my stomach when I think of the little cupids in my bodily fluid that were once part of my wife Emily… and how fortunate I am to have her sharing everything with me…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 8 Comments