September 20, 2010

douchebags

It seems to be a fad nowadays for the young people to act like consummate douchebags. I duly blame it on the internet, for turning them into the way they despicably are.

Just the other day, I saw what appears to be a bunch of college students that became especially animated when they saw some coin operated kiddy rides in the mall. They acted like they’ve never seen one before. A lanky dipshit in the group then climbed into one of the kiddy rides – which was obviously too small for him – and started to make his best impression of being funny by sticking out a tongue / crossed his eyes like he had palsy or something like that. About half a dozen of his male + female friends began to laugh hysterically like it was the funniest thing ever and they each whipped out a phone camera and started to snap some pictures away, while the afore said male subject posed with even more handicapped expressions, much to the amusement of the group.

I reckon that probably half of them would post the pictures up on their Facebook profile to complement their farm animals/vegetables snapshots from their online farm game, outlining the perceived fun they had at the mall to their hordes of similarly retarded and easily amused virtual friends – whom I also reckon, happen to be active participants of Earth Hour and believers that mass forwarding emails could save someone’s life.

I can’t help but wonder – “Is it really that amusing?”. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with them. It would have been totally sensible if they’re drunk, but they’re not. They’re just being what they are – attention seeking douchebags. The internet has undoubtedly churned out a generation of young people with fucking detestable behaviors that I find hard to accept. These people would do anything to get themselves some attention. Sporting loathsome hairstyles, retching sense of fashion, adopting fake accents, having the compelling urge to act like a dickhead at any given opportunity, type their messages like this –> doUchEBaGs LoLz ^__^. When they don’t get a chance to be with their gang of mental cripples, they’d camwhore with their cameras/phones – with fucked up poses like excessive pursing of the lips, poking of the face, close up shots to disproportionate the upperhead to look cute, etc.

Fucking hell.

I think I am becoming more and more antisocial because of people like them. I can feel the widening gap between myself and the society, like an EOL piece of appliance from the past, in a demanding world of drivers/OS with redundant graphics, blue screens and malware worms. My wife says that this is a healthy cycle between the older generation and the young. When people get old, they’d naturally find it hard to accept the culture that young people adopt. And vice versa.

Maybe it is true, that this is all about getting old. The thing is, I have just turned 33 a few weeks back, and if the difference of mere 16 – 17 years is gonna cause me to flare up like this, then I can’t imagine what I’d be when I become a really old fart (eg. when I’m in my 60’s). I’d probably be wearing a restrainer mask like Hannibal Lecter.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 11 Comments
September 17, 2010

What do the ladies want?

There was this topic on the radio this morning during the traffic jam, on whether women want their men to look good. As usual, the DJ’s opened the topic to the listeners, and a flurry of them started to call in. I kinda expected a consistency of opinions but it was a mess. Some agreed, and some said the ladies want their men to look bad, so that he’d get less attention from other females. Some said a bunch of crap. Everyone seemed to have a different take on what it is that the women want. The truth is, though we men may have advanced far in quantum physics, we still could not really figure out for certain on what the rodless gender wants.

Well, the answer is not that simple. It’s not just about what they want, for there is no definite thing that they want in us men. It’s just not the way they work. Not that I’m saying I know the answer. I don’t (I would have won a Nobel prize if I do). But I do have a theory though, which explains most if not all of the eccentricities – the ‘inverted formula’.

Here’s how the ‘inverted formula’ works: the ladies want exactly the opposite of the present state a man is. For example, if her beau looks good and awesome, she’d want him to look sloppy. That’s because his awesomeness would make her feel insecure, and afraid of him leaving her for a better woman. He’d have to be less awesome so that she could have him all by herself. To make him less awesome, just make him sloppy and fat. Similarly, if her man’s fugly/sloppy, she would want him to look good. That’s because men like that make them look bad in front of their judgmental female friends. Like a fake Gucci bag. So to mitigate that reputation damaging potential, she’d want him to look the best at every function/occasion. Or hide him at home. And the process would repeat, after her beau changed for better/worse, she’d want him to invert his status again, until he dies. Bizzarre, but true.

This formula also works on all other things as well. Ever wondered why your girlfriend/wife always think the dinner you ordered for yourself is better than hers? The ‘inverted formula’ at work here. By reversing the formula, you’d get a more accurate picture of what the ladies want. It’s up to one’s own creativity to exploit the advantage to its most optimum level (hint: permission to go out late). It worked for me so far, even on my daughter too.

Try to assess your situation someday, you could be better off at your own choosing. ;-)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 5 Comments
September 13, 2010

Sudirman

You guys know Sudirman? I’m sure most of you farts who are as old as me (or older than me) know who he was. For those of you who don’t, well, he used to be a famous and truly talented Malay singer. And he’s one of the very few Malay singers whom I hold high regards of (his earlier years only anyway… his Michael Jackson impersonation in the later years was appalling though).

Good looking as he may be, there’s this very dark side of him that’s undeniably scary to me. It all began when I was very little, when I was having sleepovers at my grandparents’ place. It was located at an old pre-war kind of neighborhood in the city. Because we did not have a TV there, I always came out of the house in the evening after my dinner to hang out and stuff. And it was about that kind of hour when Sudirman would appear, and terrify the shit out of my kiddy ass.

And no, the guy was not actually Sudirman himself, but a madman who had an uncanny resemblance of the late singer, hence the nickname. He was about the same height, had the same voice (not for singing, but for screaming and cackling), only much older. But to me, he looked more like one of the cannibals in “Cannibals Holocaust” (everyone should watch this movie at least once). This fake version of Sudirman would go around the neighborhood screaming profanities in postal and threaten kids like me. Man I was so fucking scared of him. If my father was around though, he’d threaten to kick Sudirman’s ass and that madman would just bail. But I know, if Sudirman were to stay back then, I don’t think my father’s able to do anything but run for his life because that Sudirman’s stench from the gunk and chumps on his hair alone could kill anyone who was unfortunate enough to be in close proximity. That was why I never liked the real Sudirman in his later years, because as he grew older, the more he looked like that madman ‘Sudirman’.

It was all forgotten until that day when I was in the corporate induction program – where one of the Indonesian girl kinda reminded me of this madman Sudirman. The girl was masculine, had the same voice, height and was also a little bit off in the head. When the HR guy was not in the room, she’d make all these weird noises and grunting that reminded me of that madman Sudirman. It actually churned some really uncomfortable memories there… and I was actually fucking worried that she might bite me or something like that! (the amalgamation of ill thoughts – cannibals, madman Sudirman, Indonesian hostility towards Malaysian…). And I had to stay in a small orientation room with her and her pack of honchos! For 2 days!

Fucking Sudirman. Here’s a track of the real Sudirman singing one of his best songs, to commemorate how awesome that guy was when he was young. –> “Milik Siapakah Gadis Ini”

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 4 Comments
September 8, 2010

Etech Auto Parts

Have you ever felt like wanting to buy something, like a notebook or a cellphone, but felt lazy to even go out to check it out?

Well, good news for all of you… an old friend of mine, who runs a business selling retail notebooks, cellphones and some car spare parts (ask him about it), is lazy too. So he did what he thinks is convenient for all of us lazy farts who share the same ideal of not wanting to do more things – he set up a site to list all his merchandise complete with pictures and retail price in RM (ringgit Malaysia).

I’m personally not into it but, I’m helping out an honest friend trying to provide more for his family. His site is simple, just merchandise and price. You can check it out for price reference purposes, or if you decide to buy something, deliveries can of course be arranged, or COD if you’re in Penang. Or you can email him if you have inquiries, free blowjob etc. Just tell him I sent you.

Here’s his URL: http://etechautopart.blogspot.com/.

Just hop over.

michaelooi  | misc  | Comments Off
September 6, 2010

corporate induction

Today is my first day of work. As a newbie, I was required to attend a 2-day corporate induction program by Company Y’s HR department. Again, curse on my rotten luck, I was the only exempt staff in the big group of production operators (mostly Indons, if not Malays) in the orientation. As a result of that, all of the materials had to be conducted in BeeEm (Malay language). When I first joined Company X 13 years ago, I had the same experience – orientation in BeeEm, amongst a group of operators who looked at me like I’m from another planet. What’s most heart wrenching was – I later learnt that all exempt staffs in Company X attended their orientation in English, nice setups, free lunch, with hot chicks etc. #$%^&*(

Anyway, there was a moment in the orientation when the HR couldn’t find the guy who was supposed to present his part (about general security). So the HR chap went to get the guy’s assistant instead, a middle aged Indian man (a security guard) with a belly bigger than Honda City’s trunk. The guy lumbered into the orientation room with a confused look, a clear sign that he wasn’t paid enough to do stuff like that. Even more distressing for him was, the slide projected in front of him was for IT security, which was not supposed to be on his missing boss’ turf and a mistake from the previous HR guy. It all looked very alien to him.

So instead of going to the HR guy to get the correct slide, he went on to fiddle with the keyboard (he didn’t know how to even use the controls) and managed to only press the ‘ENTER’ key until the slides expired. Then came the big ‘WTF’ expression on his face and he went for his plan ‘B’. He stood in front of the projector (slide image amusingly projected on his huge belly), and summarized the whole fucking shit in basically 5 sentences (not verbatim) :

- You orang mesti pakai badge di dalam ini building, kalau tidak saya tangkap.
– Jangan ambik keluar apa-apa barang dari ini building, kalau tidak saya akan tangkap.
– Kalau you mau bawak barang masuk, you mesti declare, kalau tidak saya akan rampas.
– Kalau you nampak asap, api atau dengar loceng, cepat-cepat keluar dari ini building.
– Itu lucah mia barang, you jangan tengok kat komputer.

He did it in less than 10 minutes (inclusive of the comical entry part), of what supposed to take an hour to complete. Same shit, different method. I think Company Y ought to promote this guy to become a Director, immediately.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 12 Comments