July 10, 2012

Penang Hill

I have not been to the Penang Hill for such a long time, that I have totally forgotten how shitty it is. About a week after I have joined Company T, the department organized a teambuilding up there on Penang Hill for a treasure hunt event and yes, I have confirmed it again – that place is a shithole.

A lot of people out of state always ask me about Penang Hill, and I always tell them that Penang Hill is a shithole. There’s nothing to do there. Like literally. No theme park, no mall, no nothing. I really don’t understand why would anyone want to go up there. There are only a few ordinary buildings there which hold no entertainment value at all. Eg.
– an Indian temple (Ordinary at best. You’d pretty much get more awesome temples with more historical value around the town than this one)
– a mosque (Same thing – you can get more awesome mosques around town – check out Kapitan Keling)
– several eateries (Overpriced and bland. Any shit down the hill is better)
– a hotel (That looks like it’s a working place for cheap geriatric hookers)
– an owl museum (Tourist trap. It’s not even a fucking museum)
– a police station (That looks deserted and a bit dilapidated.)
– a posh looking restaurant overlooking the ‘view’ (that’s about as ordinary as seeing white hair on an old geezer’s head)

Some say it’s a great place to hang out because the air is cool there. But that’s a complete bollocks. It’s not any cooler than my car air con at its worst condition. Some people say that the view’s awesome (or something along that line). But it’s just a view of the city, which most of the time is blurred with smog from the pollution and haze. So, without (or lack of) the view, the coolness, and places of interest, Penang Hill is reduced to nothing but a massive shithole.

The most interesting thing is probably the train ride up and down the hill. The new train is pretty fast, which makes ascending/descending the slope a little bit of an exciting event. But what’s the point if its sole purpose is to transport you up a giant stinking shithole? It’s sad really. Penang the fucking Hill. The only way to redeem its sad existence is to probably to pimp up the train to become a roller coaster, that meanders up and down the hill for a fee. Maybe to spice things up, we make it go under a fake log, throw in a few areas with close proximity with wild local animals and perhaps a couple of fake paranormal effects (hill spirits) or something like that. It’ll be a bomb. Or at least better than a stupid train ride up into a shithole. But alas, I’m not the government so, it’s still a shithole. Don’t go there.

(I see it more as a fancy rest stop for hikers hiking from the Penang Botanical Gardens. But if you’re going there by the train and expecting it to be interesting, you’d be disappointed)

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July 2, 2012

9th year

Tomorrow marks the 9th anniversary of my blog.
Some trivia related this blog over the years:

– I started writing online since 1997 in a homepage, but it was Dr. Liew who introduced me to blogging in 2003.
– The blog started out as michaelooi.blogspot.com, migrated to dot net in 2004.
– This blog now holds about 15,000 comments and 1521 posts. (actual stat unknown, due to lost data during migration to dot net)
– Garnered over a million pageviews I think. Or a few.
– Most read post is “How to torture a cat” (you people are sick!)
– Second most read post is “What ‘pundek’ means” (you people are sick x2!)
– I blogged about buying my car 8 years ago.
– I’ve worked at 3 different companies through this period – Company X, Company Y and Company T.
– I’ve changed 7 bosses – 4 in Company X, 2 in Company Y and 1 in Company T.
– The blog saw the death of all my grandparents, and both my parents.
– The blog also saw the birth of my daughter.
– I’ve made over a few dozen friends through this blog.
– I’ve been offered money to advertise stuff on this blog for no less than 30 times through the years.
– There are a total of 3 different languages covered in this blog.
– If you line up the letters in this blog back to back, it will be long enough to cover the distance to the fucking moon (alright I was just kidding about this one).

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June 19, 2012

bachelor

I attended the ‘new hire orientation’ at Company T yesterday. For those of you who have not worked before, it is basically a program to brainwash new hires (en masse) into docile working class zombies so that they’re easier to be manipulated and taken advantage of. Think of it like how Father Merrin chant the words of God to quell the evil that has taken residence inside Linda Blair in The Exorcist. To format her off the corruption and back to become a person again.

It was quite a huge turnout yesterday. About 40 – 50 pax. Most of them were young individuals who took this as their first ever job. Due to the size of the crowd, the class was thus divided into smaller groups of about 6 – 7 pax, and in the group that I was in, no surprise, I was the oldest there. In fact, fuck, I think I might even be the oldest in the whole fucking orientation! But that’s beside the point, and not really important.

Anyway, after a few not-so-subtle introductions to the company culture and a few feel good perk-ups by the instructor, we were given a task to get to know the team members in the group. The objective was to give us a feel of how important networking is (it’s silly really). In the exercise, each of us was given a piece of paper with little boxes labelled with some common traits like ‘log in to facebook everyday’, ‘likes spicy food’, et al. The participants were then asked to go around and fill in the names of anyone they came across who fits traits, into the corresponding boxes (thus the concept of ‘networking’ – told you it’s silly).

Then something funny happened in my group. There was this girl, who has a set of buckteeth that looked like those metal fenders on a steam operated locomotive in the 19th century, got confused when I remarked on one of the traits labeled as ‘is a bachelor’. I said to the group “I take it that, you’re all bachelors except me?”. The guys nodded, but buckteeth girl looked at me like I had a dick growing out of my face. And in almost a comical fashion, she asked me this – “So if you’re not a bachelor, then what are you?”. That was when the whole group went silent and dumbfucked. I didn’t know how to respond to her question without hurting her feelings, so I feigned a nice smile and said to her in friendliest tone like I was a nice old man – “If I’m not a bachelor, then I must be married lor…”

I don’t know how a person could be so out of frequency by so many bands in this functioning society. She must have thought that word bachelor meant my education level… I wonder what they’ve been teaching the kids nowadays at college. *facepalm*

To those of you who welcomed me to Company T, thank you. May the force be with us.

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June 11, 2012

Company T

So I have left Company Y, and joined a new workplace which I’d call – Company T – from now on. It’s a much bigger MNC, with much more people. It’s a lateral move for me, which means, not much is gained from this move. But then, from my crude assessment, Company T would give me a much better prospect than that Company Y shithole. That’s why I made the call to jump on (but then like, most place would be better than Company Y, really)

But what’s different this time is that I’m departing off my career path to accept this job. It’s like, a totally different ballgame for me. Imagine a porn actor who suddenly switches to become a pimp? Yes, it is that different. Almost all my past experiences might be nulled for this job. That’s why I’m getting a bit nervous about this job.

Anyway, apart from that, the move is a big culture shock for me as well. Company T, being a massive corporation, is very anal about its employees being role models. The day that I joined, the manager kept reminding me (like it is the utmost important thing ever, more important than showing up at work…) not to violate any traffic rules in the company compound/carpark – which if I do, will prompt a series of stern disciplinary actions which I suspect involve him getting a colonoscopy treatment with a coconut grinder shaft and a job termination for me.

So I took note of that, and noticed that it is quite dire as my manager has projected. Everyone in Company T seems to live by that rule – be a fucking role model or lose your job! It’s like an utopia of traffic in Company T! You know, cars stopping for pedestrians, everyone driving at a pace so safe, that a dog might outrun any motorized vehicle… But alas, this is confined only to Company T compound. Once you get off the very border of Company T, you’d see the employees start to floor the accelerator, weave around the traffic like a madman and start to shove here/there. The role model values end at the security guard gate.

I was thinking, how to make them extend beyond the gate? Then it struck me… maybe the government should change the traffic demerit system by linking it to our workplace? That is, anyone who violates the traffic rules ANYWHERE in this country, will get a severe disciplinary action at work and get a blemish in his/her record (example: Caught speeding at the highway? Get a warning letter at work). That way, people will think twice whenever they’re about to show the assholic side of themselves behind the wheels. If it works in Company T compound, it’ll surely work anywhere.

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May 28, 2012

farewell emails

There has been a spate of resignations in Company Y (my ex-company) lately. From my gross estimate, it goes at the rate of 2 – 3 employees leaving each month. That’s why for the last few months before I left, I get to read a lot of ‘farewell emails’ from many colleagues.

One thing that I notice about these ‘farewell emails’ – Leaving employees seem to like to make it sound like it is a suicide note, or their last day on Earth. It usually starts with a gloom announcement that it is their last day in the workplace, and a short description of how wonderful it has been to be in the Company (which we all know is a fucking lie), then a dedicated note asking for forgiveness for any misdeeds the person has unintentionally done and end it with a wish that the company would do well.

In my opinion, the whole thing is just plain wrong. That’s no way to write a ‘farewell email’… First of all, it would be a travesty to extol or sing praises to something without meaning it (if you really mean it, then it’s fine). But the people who left Company Y did it because it is a shitty company with shitty management, everyone knows it. Singing praises in the farewell email would then paint an impression that the person’s a crooked person. And then, there’s the fucked up thing about asking for forgiveness. It gives people an impression that – being a professional – you do not know a single shit you’re doing, that’s why you asked for a blanket forgiveness for EVERYTHING you’ve ever done. If that isn’t fucked up, then what is? I do things only when I have given a thorough thought about it, and never regret it later only when I fucking leave the company. I stand by my actions and if you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

To me, a ‘farewell email’ should be strictly professional and straight to the point. The email must be value added and people would benefit from reading it. I don’t write shits for the sake of writing it. I’d leave the emo part out, and if one must do it anyway, you can do the hugging, grab ass and pity fuck offline, but not in the email to the whole company. My farewell email in Company Y contains the information about my transition to the new owner (so others know who to look for after you’ve quit), and some short/simple farewell (with no sugar coating). Here’s the copy of it:

All,
Please be informed that today is my last day of employment in [Company Y].

I have fully transitioned my last held responsibilities to the following engineers in respective areas:

[Business sector 1]:
A support / reporting – Engineer A
B report / support – Engineer A
C support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
D process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 2]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 3 / 4]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 5]:
A support / reporting – Engineer C
B process support – Engineer C
General Quality lead – Engineer C

If you have any other query pertaining Quality roles and responsibilities, you may contact FuckChicken [my manager] for further assistance.

My post departure contacts are as follow, in case any of you requires my participation in brainstorming sessions for pFMEA or Process Control Plan to research on the safest and best process to remove stress with alcoholic beverage:

Email:
[email address]

Facebook:

Cellphone:
[cellphone number]

I wish all of you great success in your careers, and continuous joy in life.

‘Until we meet again’.

Michael Ooi

This was attention-ed to everyone that has a direct line of contact with me on the job (that’s like, 80% of the whole Company Y). I left with my head held high and without leaving my balls.

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