November 17, 2011

invisible dick

Know what happens when a couch slob sees another bloke with tanned chiseled body taking his shirt off? Or when a flat chested girl next door sees a sex siren with killer curves and bigger cups? Or an alpha sees another with a bigger dick? Most likely, the subject will feel a sharp stab in his/her/its self esteem, and a big part of the subject’s confidence is lost.

Such is the nature of human. Most of us anyway. We’re a bunch of conceited shitfucks whose existence has now evolved into a contest of who-has-a-bigger-dick (not literally but, metaphorically). When parents meet, they’ll talk about how smart their kids are. Or how well off one of his relatives is, who owns a sports car, and let him test drive it. ‘Who has a bigger dick’. Posers and show-offs.

Revolting but if one knows how to play it well, can be turned into an advantage which one can exploit for an ulterior motive. That was what I preached a couple of technicians at work today. I revealed to them about why I have not cut my fucking hair for 4 months. I basically looked like a hair ball right now. My hair is long and I even have a pair of mutton chop side burns overgrown to my jowl. Why? That’s because the 2 jerk off managers I have been dealing with are afflicted with terminal male pattern baldness. Growing that much hair is my way of fucking with them.

The theory is, when a person sees another (or worse, a nemesis) with something they are not gonna get, that person would feel FUCKING BAD about himself. Like these 2 bald managers. I mean, we could be debating in a meeting or something, but chances are, they’re probably distracted with the fact that I, an asshole from their point of view, have a head full of motherfucking hair and that is just so depressing for them. With that, I would have unconsciously took a stab at their self esteem (without even having to do anything, but rake my long thick black hair in a wildly hobo-ish gesture) and would be that likely to win an argument. So far, it has worked great for me. I made them my bitches in all my inter-department altercations so far. 70% intelligence, 30% hair. 100% effectiveness.

Goddamn I’m awesome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 5 Comments
November 9, 2011

text message

Remember the Indon inspector from this post? She was terminated about a month ago. Her problem? Emo and shit. Had a row with her then scrawny Filipino boyfriend – who also happens to work in the same place – and didn’t show up at work for 4 times. She was asked to resign. Heard she cried like she lost an uterus the day she was kicked out. But not a single fuck was given that day. A few days ago, she sent me a text message (if you don’t understand shorthand Malay cum Indon language, well that’s too bad then):

Indon – “Hi Michael, apa kbr… sibuk ke?¿ Cem mna QA yg tu, OK tak… Heheee..”

The Indon was referring to a new QA Inspector who replaced her. Following exchange of text messages ensued.

Me – “Dia ok. you kerja mana sekarang? kilang selipar jepun?”

Indon – “Hahahaa… Michael ni la. I kje RbrtBocsh skrg.. QA tu lembab cem i ke?¿ ‘;’”

Me – “you lebih lembab lar. Lembab you tu, boleh tanam cendawan. haha”

Indon – “I rasa QA tu lbih lmbab, sbb Engneer dy pun sama Lmbab jg…”

Me – “I rasa you jealous kot? janganlah. cuba makan lebih nasi ayam.”

Indon – “What? Jelous… Untk apa jelous dgn dy, tak cantik pun. Biasa je. I rasa, Michael la yg jelous. Sbb i dah tak kje kat stu lg. Heheee…”

Me – “takpe lar, I tak minat you pun. I lebih minat makan nasi ayam.”

Indon – “Hahahaaa… Mkn tu Nasi Ayam bnyk2, biar muka Michl pun cem ayam…”

Me – “abang filipino you pun rupa macam ayam, you pun suka juga.”

Indon – “Tak de lah,, stop please talk about Him. We broke Up already…”

Me – “oh, tukar kerja, abang pun ikut tukar? steady lar.”

Indon – “Bkn cem tu… Sblm i resign, kita org mmg dah ptus.”

Me – “itu pasal lar you jadi lembab. memang penting utk ada disiplin kalau nak kerja. Moga you ok kerja kat Bosch. kilang yg baik tu.”

Indon – “Tu lah… I pun tak blh nak focus wat kje. So, drpd bnyk was ssah org lain, lbih baik i keluar. Y, moga i blh lbih baik lg dkt kilang ni. Ok Mchl, Good Luck 4 u. Tq.”

I didn’t like the way she spelled my name as ‘Mchl’ – sounded like Ma Chao Hai Lei…

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments
October 31, 2011

don’t talk to me at the urinal

There is always a thing that one shouldn’t do in places. Things that causes discomfort or even considered a taboo. Eg. holding a sharp object during an intercourse, or perhaps whipping out your dick in a kindergarten. You get the idea.

In a male lavatory, it has to be talking to the person next to your urinal. Some assholes are like that, you know. They don’t talk much when you see them in a corridor or any other places. But if it’s at the urinal, he strikes a conversation. It’s just so gay.

I don’t know about you people, but for me, relieving myself at the urinal is like taking a really short but deep break from a hectic day at the office. In that fraction of time, my mind would shut off into absolute nothingness (I’d close my eyes when that happens), or just delves itself in fantasies – like what would I wish for if I get a wish… or where would I hit my manager if given a free pass to do that. It’s totally random what my mind does, but it’s deep. It’s so goddamn motherfucking deep, that it would somewhat make the remnants of my day less intolerable.

And then somebody has to talk to you at the urinal. About work. That has nothing to do with you. Fucking hell.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 2 Comments
October 21, 2011

do the v thing

What do most people do when they see an asswipe car parked haphazardly around their own car? They’d usually take a picture and facebook it to shame the perpetrator.

Not my style. Cause that won’t do a thing to the asswipe owner. Too easy for them, I’d say.

Me, I’d usually vandalize the car, and I’d encourage you people to do the same too (just don’t do it in front of your kids). Taking pictures are just gay. It won’t do jackshit except to gain some empathy from your closet gay friends. You must not let them off too easy. They need to learn the hard lesson of not to park like a consummate asshole. They beg to have their cars vandalized, and if we make it a trend, they will deign to give a fuck about parking properly the next time.

Yesterday, a car parked too close to mine. Left just barely a foot’s space for me to get in my car. That was totally uncalled for, because my car was in the lot and there was plenty of space left on the other side. I had to squeeze myself in, nearly busted my own balls doing that. But of course, the owner had to pay for causing me such a pain, I made sure of that. I fucking ripped its side mirror off with my bare hands. Luckily, there wasn’t any scratch or dent on my car. Had there been one, I would have ripped both its mirrors off, and made all his 4 tires prematurely expired. Maybe even a windscreen job.

An ex-neighbor also once had the same thing from me. Remember the asshole who put a note on my mom’s car? The next few months following the incident, I did some Mythbuster shit on his car. I debunked some myth on various claims of chemicals that would affect the paintjob and his car came in quite handy. Eg. I found out that Rain-X won’t actually cause blisters, but just mild discoloration – I tested it on his car. And oh, it won’t spoil the rubber too. Though he didn’t quite recover from being an asshole from the unfortunate events that had befallen on his car, it was fun for me while it lasted. He moved away last year and I lost my experiments.

Anyway, the point is, don’t just do nothing when people double park you or left your car some dents. Give those assholes something in return. Vandalize their car.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 6 Comments
October 16, 2011

gatal

A Malay operator, who had been missing for weeks, came back to work the other day with spotty scars all over her face. Following conversation ensued:

*Note: The following conversation requires understanding of the Malay language. If you don’t, well, go read other blogs.

Me: “You ni kena chicken pox?”

Operator: “Ya, dah tak datang 2 minggu”

Me: “Saya dengar, orang dewasa kalau kena chicken pox tu, teruk. Betul ke?”

Operator: “Teruk jugak. Tengok bintik-bintik ni.” [shows scars on her face]

Me: “Gatal macam gila ke?”

Operator: “Tak lah. Tak gatal.”

Me: “Hmmm pelik. Mungkin you dah memang gatal, pasal tu lah, masa kena chicken pox, you tak rasa apa-apa. Depa cancel out each other.”

Operator: [nganga]

Me: [laughs loudly at her face]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 4 Comments