December 23, 2016

BBQ pork bun

As I lean back on my seat, my ear angle gets into the wave path of BBQ Pork Bun’s rhetoric about his organization’s plan in Company T. His sharp voice stabs my drums, and I momentarily get jolted up from my zoned-out moment. I can see projectiles of his spit landing on the hot projector on the table, while the rest of the audience in the meeting room shift themselves uncomfortably in their seats in preparation for a long meeting ahead. It has been close to 25 minutes since he was given the 10 mins slot to talk, and from the look of his animated form, I reckon he won’t be stopping anytime soon.

BBQ Pork Bun has been one of the most-talked-about managers in Company T. He holds a very senior position and has a big group of people under his leadership. He is the next big star that is going to win the talent show. Unlike his prospects on paper, physically he isn’t very well endowed. He’s about as small/short as the size of a hemorrhoid in a midget’s ass, middle aged and is as ugly as fuck. Beady eyes, whisker-less square face and is afflicted with crop circle sized male pattern baldness. His forehead is so bald, that if there are sweat beads on his scalp and there’s a spotlight shining on them, it’s going to reflect glittering lights like a fucking disco ball. He looks as if God hates him.

But for what he lacks in looks and charm, he makes it all up with intelligence and sports. The fucker has a PhD in nuclear physics or something. There’s no opinion that he can’t retort. He volunteers to build robots for kids during his free time, and is as athletic as shit. On any normal office day, you wouldn’t have second guessed that this motherfucker could slam dunk or does a jumping smash in badminton. That’s why the management likes him heaps, because he can do everything. Like I said, he’s the next big star in Company T.

He is one of the very few people that I hate and respect at the same time. Hate him because he can’t stop being so damn annoying by being so good at everything and respect him for being so abled in spite of his disabilities. He should be a poster boy for all bully victims in the society. Motherfucking BBQ Pork Bun. There’s fucking 35 mins left to go, and I hope BBQ Pork Bun would stop talking already.

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December 15, 2016

Taiwan – Taipei & Hualien

What do I think of that Taiwan trip? It was pretty good, I must say. Some hits and misses. The places that I planned came out as what I’ve expected to be, some even surprisingly better – especially that Taroko National Park at Hualien. Boy is that place fucking beautiful. Anyway, there’s still a list of places which I think you guys should fucking stay away like a plaque, and here are the shitholes to avoid:

Places to skip
[Taipei] Bopiliao Historical block 剝皮寮歷史街區: It’s just a group of buildings with red bricks and overhyped name. It’s as if someone has abandoned the building halfway and decided that it should look special. And you can tell that someone desperately tried really hard to make this place to be as hip as possible, but failed utterly. Everything here is drab and uninteresting, and has little cultural value. The day I traveled, they even put on a free movie in a hall, in hope to attract some tourists… but none of the chairs was occupied.

[Taipei] Taipei Zoo 臺北市立動物園: One of the shittiest zoo I’ve ever seen (only place worse was that Melaka’s A-Famose or something zoo). Place was poorly maintained with lots of empty cages (animals must’ve killed themselves out of sheer depression) and run down facilities. The place reeks of animal wastes, and a lot of the attractions are closed down. I was there for only a couple of hours, and half of the time was spent on cussing and getting disappointed.

[Taipei] Maokong 貓空: A boring cable car ride up to a hill of nothingness, and you have to spend a long time commuting here. The only thing to do here, is food and tea. There are no sights for you to marvel at (most of the Taipei city view was partially blocked by a couple of stupid hills), nor stuff for you to engrossed with. It’s just another area for food/tea with jacked up prices. Some people say it’s a place to relax. Fuck that. You can go relax at better places in the city with much cheaper price. If you would like to compare, even Penang Hill (the shithole) is a better place. Stay away.

[Near Taipei] Houtong Cat Village 猴硐貓村: The fucking place is a shithole. It’s an ex-mining town (with an abandoned mine) and lots of cats. So, as expected, all you get to see here is a bunch of rusted ruins from the mine and a fuckload of fat cats. Dumbass tourists would take pictures of cats like they’re special or something (but they aren’t. they’re just common cats) and giggle and shit. I bet if it were to be known as a Dick Village, the attention would just switch our dicks instead. It’s just so fucking dumb of a place.

[Near Taipei] Jinguashi 金瓜石 / Golden Waterfall 黃金瀑布 / Yin Yang sea 陰陽海: Who in their right mind would turn an irreversible environmental damage place to a tourist attraction? The Taiwanese. Here in this region, the place used to be a gold mine or something, and the mining industry had caused one of the rivers to be discolored, toxic and smells rotten. Sure enough, the view is one of a kind, but the thought that men had done this to the environment really makes it a sad case, and is not my kind of shit (I don’t know about you).

[Hualien] Nanbin Park 太平洋公園: Hualien city itself has nothing, so naturally, people tend to flock to the sea side in their desperate bid to find something to do. Unlike Cixingtan 七星潭, Nanbin Park at Hualien is a shithole, and looks abandoned. There’s an incomplete (or was it abandoned?) walkway there that is a sore to the eyes. I was expecting the park to be teeming with recreational activities or at least a bike rental stall like what we have in Penang, but instead, I see emptiness. What a fucking waste of space and time.

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December 11, 2016

Taipei & Hualien, Taiwan – Itinerary and planning (5 days, 7 nights)

Found a really good flight deal for Taipei on the first week of December when I came back from Germany back in June, and I booked it immediately. And I finally did the trip last week. Here’s the itinerary. As usual, read the disclaimer before proceed…

Disclaimer:
– Taiwan is known to have very unpredictable weather (especially at Taroko Gorge). It is known to rain at least expected times, has earthquakes and shit. If you’re doing your own planning, please make it as dynamic and as flexible as possible. The length of 5 days and 7 nights was a risky gamble for me, but luckily for us, it paid off (we did not encounter a single rainy day despite the inclement weather forecast). I wouldn’t recommend to do it this short.
– In December, Taiwan has a relatively short daylight. It starts to get dark at about 5pm (fuck me). So, plan your itinerary well.
– This is an itinerary post, I’ll do a separate post for what I think about the places I’ve visited.
– This was planned based on 3 pax – my wife, my 10-yo daughter, and myself. If you’re planning for a group of more than 4, this probably won’t work for you.
– The main objective is to hunt food at Taipei, and to experience Taroko Gorge (Hualien) in its glory. Ergo, it has a lot of walking (Taipei) and hiking (Taroko). With the exception of one day excursion to the Taipei Zoo, there are no other kid themed visits. This won’t be for you if you have a small child in your group.
– If you have a fear of heights, doing Taroko Gorge is probably a fucking bad idea.
– If you have a fear of crowds, Taipei is probably not for you too. That place is just mad with people.

Read the rest of this entry »

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November 24, 2016

yellow flood

Remember this post I wrote about? The 2 hours’ worth of traffic standstill in the same 7 – 8km with my wife and daughter in the car? Actually, there’s one other thing that happened which I didn’t mention… and it is one of those things that will make me remember this day for the rest of my life.

You see, before reaching the big fucking jam, I already had the urge to pee. (you can see where this is going) It wasn’t a strong one, but just a small urge that makes you think you can hold for another 30 mins or so. That was until I hit the fucking traffic, right before the tunnel. When we hadn’t moved for close to 20 minutes in the car, I immediately knew I was in deep shit. I started to calculate the time for me to be able to go to the nearest restroom, and the calculation didn’t look very good for me. But I held a glimmer a hope that the jam’s going to be a short one.

At approximately the 45th minute’s mark in the stagnant traffic, I started to develop this pain which can be best described as those ‘menstrual pain’ that you bitches encounter. I was holding my pee so bad, that my butt cheeks were clamped shut hard enough to develop butt fatigue, on top of the throbbing bladder muscle that felt like a cramp’s coming. I had to sit side ways to let the gravity take over the aching butt muscles and cramp. My concentration started to wane. I was beginning to look for a dark spot anywhere by the long lines of stationary cars by the highway that I could somehow hide-pee, but because it was night time and there were so many car headlights lighting up along the road, I eighty-sixed the wild idea. I even thought of sticking my dick out by the window to pee, but my daughter’s at the backseat and my dick’s not long enough to do that (dick has to be at least a foot long to be able to feasibly do that)

At approximately 1hr 15th minute’s mark in the jam, I started to cuss incessantly. Nothing made sense anymore. The menstrual pain was so bad, that I think my brain simply had shut off the pain signal and it was all numb. I was hitting at the steering erratically and was at the verge of exploding. I swear, that was the color went offline in my eyes, I started to see things in black and white. I couldn’t make any sense out of anything I heard (my wife were talking to me at some point). Then, I saw the bottle – the Tupperware ECO bottle (500ml version) that I had right beside me, and I looked at my wife, and I told her – “I have to fucking pee in this bottle or I’m gonna die”. I then opened the car door, emptied out the water from the bottle onto the tarmac, slid the seat back to its furthest extend, stretched out both my legs, stuck my dick into the bottle and pee’d. I had to request for my daughter’s cooperation to not look to the front, erase this horrifying incident from her memory, and not talk about this to anyone or anything.

It was the craziest feeling of rush I’d ever encountered. Fucking pee jetted out mad like a stream of pressurized water in a carwash, so damn strong that I could see foam forming like it’s some kind of German beer. Then came another predicament – the bottle was fast getting full and I couldn’t stop! (I was also worried at the same time that my dick would get stuck in the bottle like one of those perverts who had to go to the hospital to get it out) The highly pressured stream of urine prevented the flood gate from closing, I had to literally assist with a pinch, and a re-clench maneuver (the guys should know what I’m talking about) and while doing that, I had to empty the bottle out onto the tarmac as fucking fast as I could before the levee breaks (cue in Led Zeppelin guitar riff…)! And I repeated for 2 more goddamn times! (that’s about 1 liter plus of pee). When it was finally over, I had my pants half wet (it’s inevitable) and a fucking ruined Tupperware ECO bottle. The relief, however, was indescribable. It was like, being able to live again after being dead for years.

Fast forward 30 mins later, I ended up visiting the restroom again at a drive thru McDonald’s (that was after learning that my father in law had been discharged from the hospital, and there’s no point for us to be there anymore) to have another round of draining, and those were the pee that got backed up in my kidneys (and perhaps even before the kidneys) due to the fatal exception error thrown by the failing bladder. In all, I must have pee’d close to 2 liters of urine that could have possibly gone out the other way. It was fucking insane. Definitely one of the craziest experience I’ve ever encountered in my life…

*The Tupperware ECO bottle, was discarded into the trashcan right outside the fast food restaurant. I sure hope no one would pick it up to use as a drinking bottle…

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November 7, 2016

ghosts

Just watched that movie The Conjuring 2. While the movie’s quite good, one thing that grinds my gear about ghosts and haunting… is the low self esteem of the antagonist (the ghosts/demons). They wanted to be evil, but for some strange reasons, they always have to do it surreptitiously. Typically, if you look at the fucking stupid ghosts in the movies, they’d do lame ass shit like flipping switches, moving objects, and hiding in shadows – just to mess with people. And only when people started to get freak out, they’d do an occasional appearance to send a stronger message or whatever the fuck they wanted. At most, they’d possess some kids/girls to turn up the tension a notch or two, but that’s about it.

If you ask me, I’d say that’s too much effort and time wasted just to scare some weak willed people and kids. In the realms of the corporate world, that’s called being passive and it’s a characteristic of weak people. And these weak people, they get culled for that. Lower distribution of the bell curve. In the grand scheme of evilness in the history of mankind, ghosts/demons are like, a bunch of kindergarten kids trying to compete in professional Mixed Martial Arts competition. Totally lame.

So, back to my question, why the low self esteem? If were to be a ghost/demon (you guys should thank your God that I’m not one), I’m gonna fucking good at my job of being evil. I’m not going to lurk in the closet just to scare some loser. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to make an appearance inside the Nobel Prize Award ceremony, and possess the smartest looking person there. And then I’m going to gouge my own eyes out, and gnaw off my own arm, and cannibalize that said arm in front of live TV. And then I’m going to evil laugh, say something crazy, and do the same crazy shit to the next person while leaving the one before bleed to death. When everyone has cleared the room in pandemonium, I’m going to levitate out in the public and do it to the next person I see… until the whole city is fucking dead/deserted. That ought to send a message or two. I will be the epitome of evil and everyone will be my bitch. I’m going to lay waste to humanity like it’s my thing. There will be no doubt of what I can do, what I am and whether I fucking exist. People will recalibrate their faith and scientists will rewrite the laws of physics because of me.

And there’s absolutely nothing anyone/anything can do about it – because I’m already dead, and I’m evil. And I’m gooooooood at my job.

(again, you fuckers are so lucky I’m not a demon/ghost)

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