October 3, 2003

dark week

It has been raining cats & dogs since yesterday. Non-stop. Good for me, because the weather will be cooler and that’s always better than the stinking hot weather.

Actually the weather was too good for me — that I overslept. I did not wake up on time today. If not for Emily’s violent shaking, I probably would have slept through the whole morning. Realizing that I am late, I had to rush to work to make it on time, only to find out that all my efforts were for nothing because there was a massive congestion on the Bridge.

Gosh, I am so fucking tired of my life.
I am tired of having to endure the traffic jam everyday.
I am tired of worrying about my financial beings.
I am tired of driving the same stupid car.
I am tired of yelling the same obscenities at errant drivers everyday.
I am tired of checking out pretty looking girls from the back, only to discover them looking like a frog from the front.

I am in serious need of entertainment and recreational activities. Something like a good massage, endless supply of booze… or maybe if it’s still not too much, a PS2 with my favorite games to kill off any remnants of boredom – while getting paid to do all that :P

I guess I’ll be gloomy for the next few days – for I already know that I’m not going to enjoy my weekend this time. I’ll be accompanying Emily back to her boring hometown tomorrow… and I feel like crap already.

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October 2, 2003

son of the dragon

I was brought up in a Cantonese/Hokkien dialect speaking family, that is why I don’t speak Mandarin very well. I couldn’t read nor write them neither – and this pretty much includes my own Chinese name. It’s a shame… I know, but I’m sure there are plenty more people like me out there. A banana dude — yellow outside, white inside.

I’m about to relate a couple of embarrassing incidents that took place during my trip to China a few years ago

Incident #1
I was approached by a Chinese tour guide (let’s call her – CindyCrawford) about something. When CindyCrawford came up to me, I had just descended from a climb up to The Great Wall. It was a very cold afternoon *The conversation was reproduced based on my memory and limited knowledge on Mandarin, slight discrepancies are expected*:

CindyCrawford : “Ching wen … xiang mien hai you mei you ren?”
(translation: Excuse me, is it still cold up there?) — as per what I understand from the description.

Me : “errr… uuhh… yeah… xiang mien ‘quite’ ren …”
(translation: errr…uhhhh … yeah .. it’s quite cold up there..) — That was my half assed Mandarin. I was rather surprised, it’s fucking cold down here, for sure it would be colder up in the mountains. Maybe she just wanted to start a conversation, I thought.

CindyCrawford :[confused look] “Ni you mei you kan tau tha men ? [some sign language] .. ren?”
(translation: You seen them? Cold?) — Oh, she’s probably asking me if I’m cold … awww.. how sweet of her…

Me :”Oh… yeah… xiang mien hen ren … [show her a shaking hand sign]… xie xie”
(translation: Oh..yeah.. it’s very cold up there… thanks) — it was about 5 deg C up there. It’s fucking cold.

CindyCrawford : “Pu se .. wo se wen ni… ni you mei you kan tau tha men .. [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]?”
(translation: No, I’m asking you, have you seen them [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]) — something is not right. She was not asking me if I’m cold.

Shit, that was when I saw where did it all go wrong… She was actually asking if I have seen those people from my tour group, and whether they are still all up in the mountains. I apparently mistaken the word “ren” as COLD instead of PEOPLE. So, the whole thing was a boo-boo. She wasn’t concerned about my welfare after all. Fuck. It was downright embarrassing. I replied her back in a broken Mandarin (& plenty of sign language) that ‘those bastards are still climbing the fucking steep Great Wall, and The Great Wall sucks’.

Incident #2
Inside the tour bus:

Tourguide : “announcing through loudspeaker] “Wo men xien cai yau chue kan cak cik.”
(translation: we now are going to watch fried chicken) — again, as per what I understand from the description

Me :”What the fuck!? We are going to watch fried chicken??? What’s so different about frying chickens in China???”

My comments triggered a commotion of hysterical laughs from the entire tour group.

Again, the word “cak cik” the tour guide meant was ACROBATIC PERFORMANCE. I mistaken it as FRIED CHICKEN. Apparently, ‘fried chicken’ is pronounced as chaaaaa cheeeeeee .. the vowels are pronounced longer. To me, it sounded all the same.

For example, stars .. is called “xing xing” … which also shares the same pronunciation for gorilla & faith. Pardon me but, the meaning for all the 3 words here are all very different from each other, and it would be catastrophic to make any mistake on that :P

But then, ironically, it is part of my job nature to deal with Taiwanese suppliers almost everyday… and I don’t have any problem in communicating with them at all. Apparently, they could understanding the word “fuck” very well, and I guess that’s all it takes for them to understand a scolding or two.

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September 30, 2003

the bill for “flying an aeroplane”

I sent an SMS to Emily yesterday (while she’s at work) :
‘dear, dun get mad at me, ok ? i’m sorry bout yesterday. I love you’

Her SMS reply:
‘dun worry..i’m ok now … but u owe me one big thing for not picking me up on time and let me wait. i love you too’

Owe her one big thing? Now that has to be the scariest thing a guy can ever hear from his girl. I reckon that she must already have something in her mind. She’s making use of this situation to trap me up. The “I love you too” phrase at the end of her message sounded so lifeless. At that moment, I am making a few thousands interpretations from her simple SMS reply. What’s the big thing that i am owing her?

Well, when she came home to wake me up from my deep sleep yesterday, we had a “one to one” talk.

“why did u consume when you already know that you need to fetch me??”

“it was my best friend’s farewell… and we had a few drinks. come on… it was just a party got out of control… ”
(you see, in situations like this, EVERYONE is your BEST FRIEND)

“did your so-called ‘best friend’ know that you need to fetch me up?” she asked.

“yeah, i told him. oh come on, it’s not my friend’s fault. It was my stupid boss.”
(i was trying to divert the blame to Rob here, because she knows I hate him very much. I’m wicked.)

“your boss?? he asked you to drink THAT much meh ??”

“nope. It was CK that told me that he would take off his shirt in public when he’s drunk enough… heheheh”
(laughing hysterically, apparently, i’m still a bit intoxicated.)

“who is CK ?”

“CK is that best friend of mine who’s leaving lor,… ok ok … let’s stop all these interrogation thingy, ok? I’m sorry”

“you owe me one big thing..”

“alright… and what’s that?”

The much dreaded word came out from her mouth right before my ears. I was like “Nooooooo … not thatttttt !!!”

She wanted me to accompany her to return to her hometown in Perak – a place with no entertainment, no internet connection, limited tv programmes, no friends, no mobile phone signals…
It’s like living in a deserted island with nothing. I’m going to fester to death there…
This is not looking good for me…

Lesson learnt : Do not mess with your loved ones. The consequences can be very dire…

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September 29, 2003

‘high’ tea

Sunday – One of my department manager, Pete, organized a farewell karaoke party for one of our departing engineer – CK.

3pm – arrived at Red Box KTV.

3.20pm – I started off the party by singing few songs using my “super golden voice of mesmerizing”. The guys were charmed. We toasted a few pints of beers. It was nothing.

4pm – Some of our Taiwanese supplier joined us. Our crowd grew into over 20 heads. The beers were finishing fast.

4.10pm – CK and Pete also invited their boy toys – a couple of KTV girls whom they befriended some weeks ago. I was not sure why they were so excited about the girls because they definitely looked like overdressed sewer lizards to me. They were an eyesore. The rest of us eased off the pain by toasting a few more pints of beer.

4.30pm – My super “golden voice of mesmerizing” did it’s magic again. The KTV girls were charmed. They bowed in deep respect to my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. We toasted a few beers but that still didn’t improve their outlook for me.

4.35pm – SaltyFish (our really big boss) arrived. He missed my “golden voice of mesmerizing”. It was his loss. He should try to be more punctual next time.

4.45pm – CK ordered whiskey. The party started to get real. None of us was focusing on the singing except my colleague AssTee. He sang like Elvis… with plenty of action… but he needed to learn more about rhythm and timing.

5pm – Emily called me up. She said she will be arriving from her Langkawi trip in 45mins. I was suppose to pick her up at the mainland.

5.10pm – I challenged Rob (my undead boss) for a bottoms up. CK told me Rob had a record of taking off his shirt in public when he’s drunk. I was laughing so hard that I almost dropped my glass.

5.15pm – We finished 2 bottles of whiskey. I’m blitzed. I asked the KTV girls to get more education. SaltyFish told them to finish their Standard 6 level first. They took the joke well and we toasted a few rounds. I’m still very uncomfortable with how they looked.

5.30pm – CK & one of the lizards were slow dancing in front of the KTV screen. I couldn’t see the screen. I took one of AssTee’s shoe and pitched towards the lizard. It hit her lardy ass and I was penalized by finishing a glass of neat whiskey.

5.40pm – I had to leave the party. I’m seriously blitzed and needed to sober up to drive (I was suppose to fetch Emily).

6.00pm – Emily called, and I was still looking for my car. She was furious. She told me that she will be hitching her colleague’s car home and I better have a good explanation of what’s was going on. I realized then I’m in serious trouble.

6.30pm – I reached home and passed out. (miraculously, I drove all the way home by myself…)

I only managed to wake up around 7am this morning with a serious hangover. I made an SMS to my colleagues that I’m not coming to work.

And I have yet to make any explanation to Emily about why I didn’t pick her up yesterday. But I guess I need not to do that anymore as she would have been able to tell by herself, what actually happened to me. :P

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September 26, 2003

ICQ ‘meeting’

I am bored. Emily had gone to Langkawi for a few days, so, I it will be even more boring for me throughout the weekend. I partied hard last week, and I really need to give my liver a break this time. So, I decided to be at home all alone this weekend. *Sigh*

Life is funny… when I was a kid, it was relatively easier to kill boredom. And then, it got even easier when I transcended to teenage. Bored? Grab a phone and call up your girlfriend, and you’re off for a few hours on the phone. Not enough? Go look for some chicks in the local newspaper (internet wasn’t that popular yet… that time).

In my 20’s, the requirements took an ominous turn towards particularity. Hormones were in the steady state & we were, for the first time, above the legal age to hang out at night spots. I started to get selective on who to hang out with & started to call people ‘dorks’. Alcohols & girls became the main ingredients of having fun. And that was also the time when I started to worry about money. List goes on…

Sometimes I would wonder – what is so fun about getting intoxicated and talk stupid things while getting blasted by loud music? I just cannot explain, but, that’s how I’m getting myself occupied on most weekends, most of the time. I think people are just looking for an excuse to hook up or get laid. Whatever.

Here’s something interesting that occurred to me a couple of years ago:


I met this girl from KL – whom I’ll call “Jess” – through ICQ. After meeting each other online for a few months, Jess organized a trip to Penang for a meet up. She brought along her 2 buddies – whom I’ll call “PornStar” and “Zoyee”. The 3 girls weren’t bad looking, except… Jess herself. She was a little bit, unattractive to me, so to say, but that’s not important. Now a little bit description on the girls, PornStar – resembled Jet Li’s wife, but was little plump. Zoyee was the best looking of the pack but I could tell from the moment I met her that she’s a fucking emo bitch. The meeting went quite smoothly.

After showing them around Penang for an entire Saturday afternoon, I brought them to meet up with the rest of the BOD members – Tony, Luis, Henry & Soon – at the suite the girls rented. Each of us brought our own booze, so, we sort of like having a drinking party before hitting the clubs. During the drinking session, I sort of noticed PornStar kept eyeing on my friend Henry, and I could tell from her body language that she actually liked him a fucking lot. The way she talked to him, laughed like a retard (snort snort) at his absurd jokes and her lolling beside him – she was clearly in heat. When I told Henry about it, he’d brush me off and said that he’d rather kill himself hooking up with PornStar. So I let the matter rest.

We finished enough booze to start the night, and everyone was blitzed and ready to party. We all then proceeded to our usual joint (a club) for more booze. I couldn’t remember most of the events occurred that night as I was very blur from excessive intoxication. But I recalled that the girls were very affectionate, and they did everything right that night (I’m referring to the partying bit).

I was busy enjoying myself at the place when my friends told me that the girls had left the place. It was all very sudden. And of course, I was kind of pissed – you know, you don’t simply bail without informing your buddies. But we still continued to enjoy ourselves at the club without the girls and had a blast ourselves there.

It was only the next morning that I managed to find out why the girls left us that night – when Jess gave me a call. Apparently, what happened was, PornStar actually got very inebriated that night, and she forced herself on my friend Henry (Henry himself was half-passed-out and struggling). Jess saw the whole thing and immediately dragged PornStar out of the place to prevent anything untoward from happening.

I was so shocked. I immediately called up Henry to clarify the incident. He sounded like a rape victim on the phone… and I was like – Oh my fucking god, this is so fucking unbelievable. My best friend got molested by a bimbo! It appears that PornStar was so attracted to Henry that she couldn’t resist him for a second. She had suppressed the thought of raping him for the whole night… until her alcohol addled brain couldn’t differentiate between right and wrong anymore – and she finally did it.

Since nothing really happened, Henry decided to swallow the bitter experience and wiped it off like it was a nightmare – albeit he was probably emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. And we never talked about this incident since, especially after his girlfriend came into his life. It was an night that all of us will never forget.

*Jess, PornStar & Zoyee left for KL the next day. But Jess & PornStar would return to Penang a few months later… and that’ll have to be a story for another time.

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