October 6, 2003

hate list

I’m not in my best of mood today and decided to ‘let everything out’ by blindly composing a list of people (or characters) that I hate most. If anyone here isn’t too happy about this, go fuck yourself.

Elton John – I hate this chicken head faggot because he has a real bad taste in fashion and he sings like a mutated frog with sore throat. I hate his hairstyle, his songs and his goddamn piano. He is a walking disaster to the music industry.

Moos – My workplace’s HR director. She looks like the female version of Jabba the Hutt. Hell, her voice even sounded the same like Jabba’s. She bellows when she talks and she leaves slimy marks on the floor (like a fucking slug) wherever she schleps. Apart from her tragic outlooks, I hated her because she’s the one who altered all our employee benefits for her own benefit… If we’re in the real Star Wars realm, I would have burnt her labia with a lightsaber.

Rob – my ex-undead boss. He is the worst boss in the world, if not the universe. I hate him more than roaches. He is nothing but a mindless festering piece of decomposed corpse who goes around messing with people’s life and he ought to be obliterated for good.

Skeleton Lady – A management figure in my workplace. A bulimic bitch snob and also a hypocrite. Always brag about how rich she is and can never stop acting like a consummate cunt. Got class my ass – people like her ought to be hung and shot and hung again.

Bubba – the cafeteria roti canai cook at my workplace. This motherfucker knows nothing about roti canai. His roti canai are hard like flattened erasers (or used condoms) and the gravy is practically water mixed with cheap curry powder. He is an insult to the food industry and he ought to be put to sleep like Rob. I had sent many complaints to the canteen committee (led by Moos) and still, there hasn’t been any action taken against this shit head. Maybe that’s because they’re having an affair (Moos – Bubba).

TFS – Abbreviation for ‘The Finance Slut’. A name co-created by myself and my colleague for a finance accountant in my workplace. She’s an annoying airport bitch who kept asking us irrelevant questions just to feel important. When we asked her to fuck off and leave us alone, she back stabbed us by injecting lies about us to our boss. Fucking bitch ass motherfucking cunt.

Egg – A junior supplier rep whom I dealt with frequently. He is an annoying prick. Always ask stupid questions. And what’s made worst, is that this guy has halitosis! His breath ranks so bad that it emits radioactive rays and causes cancer. That’s why I always dive for cover whenever he opens his mouth. Fuck!

Cockroach – an insect/vermin/terrorist that has outlived the dinosaurs. Know why the dinosaurs extincted? It was because of the roaches’ fucking smell. Everytime I see a roach, I will stomp on it till all its green entrails squirt out. I’ll then pour gasoline on its remains and smother the shit out of it.

Christina Aguilera (if i spelled it correctly) – Her voice sounded like someone choking on a strand of pubic hair from a hardcore oral sex, and her fake titties are revoltingly revolting. Makes me sick just by looking at her.

Freddy – The guy who sits near the entrance inside my office area. Goddamn, I fucking hate him (for no reason).

Dickhead – An asshole manager. He speaks loudly and acts condescendingly to his employees but behaves like a wiener when confronted by people of higher ranks. A typical snoot. I just hope someday he would be reporting back to his own employee and eat back the shits that he always barf on others.

Barney the Purple Dinosaur – Aren’t dinosaurs supposed to be extincted ??? This stupid piece of purple lardy lizard with beer belly ought to be hung, shot, hung again and fed to the sharks.

That’s about it. I’ll add more if i recall more of them later …

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October 5, 2003

sufferings

I began my Saturday by sending my car for servicing and then went to visit dad at Hospice. Dad isn’t looking good. His health is deteriorating fast and he looks very tired and has a slurry speech. His stomach is now bloated with fluid and has swollen legs. I couldn’t explain how bad it feels to see your own father suffering like that. I just don’t know how to put this whole thing in words…

Anyway, after visited dad, I drove back to Emily’s hometown in Perak as schedule. It was raining very heavily on the highway and the driving experience was unpleasant. Could hardly see the goddamn road. Reached at about noon and I began my suffering from thence.

Imagine, this was what I had to endure – no tv, no entertainment, no internet connection and heck, even no mobile phone signals. I spent the whole day sitting around doing nothing. Wanted to help out in the kitchen, but there was already a maid there. Wanted to help out in the shop (yes, Emily’s family lives in a business shophouse) – but they’ve got enough helpers already.

And the place was also littered with kids – Emily’s nephews and nieces. They were running around and screaming like there is not going to be another tomorrow. With so many kids around, I kept finding myself stepping on some unidentified objects on the floor – pukes, bread crumbs, grains of rice, you name it.

And for the whole day, they would watch the same video program over and over again – you know, the kind where one gets to see some stupid clown doing absurd stuffs to amuse kids and teaches them how to spell B-O-R-I-N-G at the same time. The person who invented that children educational video ought to be hung and shot repeatedly. I really can’t understand… we’ve already got so many nurseries, kindergartens and schools to educate our children (and they are expensive). Why the fuck would we need more educational videos for kids then? If the educational videos are so good, then why bother sending them to nurseries or kindergartens?

Anyway, being there was like my worst nightmare came true. After being in torment for a day, I was quick to urge Emily to leave the place immediately after my breakfast this morning. And we’re back in Penang in no time, and then I went to visit my ailing dad.

He started to sleep a lot now. His condition has worsened from the day before. I don’t know but, I think I’m going to lose my dad very soon. His time is almost up. I can feel it. And I’m very sad right now.

I hope dad will get over his sufferings soon, and then leave in peace.

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October 3, 2003

dark week

It has been raining cats & dogs since yesterday. Non-stop. Good for me, because the weather will be cooler and that’s always better than the stinking hot weather.

Actually the weather was too good for me — that I overslept. I did not wake up on time today. If not for Emily’s violent shaking, I probably would have slept through the whole morning. Realizing that I am late, I had to rush to work to make it on time, only to find out that all my efforts were for nothing because there was a massive congestion on the Bridge.

Gosh, I am so fucking tired of my life.
I am tired of having to endure the traffic jam everyday.
I am tired of worrying about my financial beings.
I am tired of driving the same stupid car.
I am tired of yelling the same obscenities at errant drivers everyday.
I am tired of checking out pretty looking girls from the back, only to discover them looking like a frog from the front.

I am in serious need of entertainment and recreational activities. Something like a good massage, endless supply of booze… or maybe if it’s still not too much, a PS2 with my favorite games to kill off any remnants of boredom – while getting paid to do all that :P

I guess I’ll be gloomy for the next few days – for I already know that I’m not going to enjoy my weekend this time. I’ll be accompanying Emily back to her boring hometown tomorrow… and I feel like crap already.

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October 2, 2003

son of the dragon

I was brought up in a Cantonese/Hokkien dialect speaking family, that is why I don’t speak Mandarin very well. I couldn’t read nor write them neither – and this pretty much includes my own Chinese name. It’s a shame… I know, but I’m sure there are plenty more people like me out there. A banana dude — yellow outside, white inside.

I’m about to relate a couple of embarrassing incidents that took place during my trip to China a few years ago

Incident #1
I was approached by a Chinese tour guide (let’s call her – CindyCrawford) about something. When CindyCrawford came up to me, I had just descended from a climb up to The Great Wall. It was a very cold afternoon *The conversation was reproduced based on my memory and limited knowledge on Mandarin, slight discrepancies are expected*:

CindyCrawford : “Ching wen … xiang mien hai you mei you ren?”
(translation: Excuse me, is it still cold up there?) — as per what I understand from the description.

Me : “errr… uuhh… yeah… xiang mien ‘quite’ ren …”
(translation: errr…uhhhh … yeah .. it’s quite cold up there..) — That was my half assed Mandarin. I was rather surprised, it’s fucking cold down here, for sure it would be colder up in the mountains. Maybe she just wanted to start a conversation, I thought.

CindyCrawford :[confused look] “Ni you mei you kan tau tha men ? [some sign language] .. ren?”
(translation: You seen them? Cold?) — Oh, she’s probably asking me if I’m cold … awww.. how sweet of her…

Me :”Oh… yeah… xiang mien hen ren … [show her a shaking hand sign]… xie xie”
(translation: Oh..yeah.. it’s very cold up there… thanks) — it was about 5 deg C up there. It’s fucking cold.

CindyCrawford : “Pu se .. wo se wen ni… ni you mei you kan tau tha men .. [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]?”
(translation: No, I’m asking you, have you seen them [pointing at tour bus .. then camera]) — something is not right. She was not asking me if I’m cold.

Shit, that was when I saw where did it all go wrong… She was actually asking if I have seen those people from my tour group, and whether they are still all up in the mountains. I apparently mistaken the word “ren” as COLD instead of PEOPLE. So, the whole thing was a boo-boo. She wasn’t concerned about my welfare after all. Fuck. It was downright embarrassing. I replied her back in a broken Mandarin (& plenty of sign language) that ‘those bastards are still climbing the fucking steep Great Wall, and The Great Wall sucks’.

Incident #2
Inside the tour bus:

Tourguide : “announcing through loudspeaker] “Wo men xien cai yau chue kan cak cik.”
(translation: we now are going to watch fried chicken) — again, as per what I understand from the description

Me :”What the fuck!? We are going to watch fried chicken??? What’s so different about frying chickens in China???”

My comments triggered a commotion of hysterical laughs from the entire tour group.

Again, the word “cak cik” the tour guide meant was ACROBATIC PERFORMANCE. I mistaken it as FRIED CHICKEN. Apparently, ‘fried chicken’ is pronounced as chaaaaa cheeeeeee .. the vowels are pronounced longer. To me, it sounded all the same.

For example, stars .. is called “xing xing” … which also shares the same pronunciation for gorilla & faith. Pardon me but, the meaning for all the 3 words here are all very different from each other, and it would be catastrophic to make any mistake on that :P

But then, ironically, it is part of my job nature to deal with Taiwanese suppliers almost everyday… and I don’t have any problem in communicating with them at all. Apparently, they could understanding the word “fuck” very well, and I guess that’s all it takes for them to understand a scolding or two.

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September 30, 2003

the bill for “flying an aeroplane”

I sent an SMS to Emily yesterday (while she’s at work) :
‘dear, dun get mad at me, ok ? i’m sorry bout yesterday. I love you’

Her SMS reply:
‘dun worry..i’m ok now … but u owe me one big thing for not picking me up on time and let me wait. i love you too’

Owe her one big thing? Now that has to be the scariest thing a guy can ever hear from his girl. I reckon that she must already have something in her mind. She’s making use of this situation to trap me up. The “I love you too” phrase at the end of her message sounded so lifeless. At that moment, I am making a few thousands interpretations from her simple SMS reply. What’s the big thing that i am owing her?

Well, when she came home to wake me up from my deep sleep yesterday, we had a “one to one” talk.

“why did u consume when you already know that you need to fetch me??”

“it was my best friend’s farewell… and we had a few drinks. come on… it was just a party got out of control… ”
(you see, in situations like this, EVERYONE is your BEST FRIEND)

“did your so-called ‘best friend’ know that you need to fetch me up?” she asked.

“yeah, i told him. oh come on, it’s not my friend’s fault. It was my stupid boss.”
(i was trying to divert the blame to Rob here, because she knows I hate him very much. I’m wicked.)

“your boss?? he asked you to drink THAT much meh ??”

“nope. It was CK that told me that he would take off his shirt in public when he’s drunk enough… heheheh”
(laughing hysterically, apparently, i’m still a bit intoxicated.)

“who is CK ?”

“CK is that best friend of mine who’s leaving lor,… ok ok … let’s stop all these interrogation thingy, ok? I’m sorry”

“you owe me one big thing..”

“alright… and what’s that?”

The much dreaded word came out from her mouth right before my ears. I was like “Nooooooo … not thatttttt !!!”

She wanted me to accompany her to return to her hometown in Perak – a place with no entertainment, no internet connection, limited tv programmes, no friends, no mobile phone signals…
It’s like living in a deserted island with nothing. I’m going to fester to death there…
This is not looking good for me…

Lesson learnt : Do not mess with your loved ones. The consequences can be very dire…

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