May 6, 2014

different kind of weird

I have gotten inured to the fact that Company T is often associated with words like ‘nerd’ or ‘weirdo’. It’s hard to deny the association, having seen countless people with really eccentric behavior. I’m not trying to say that I’m a normal person trapped inside this fucked up place or anything like that. I’m far from normal. In fact, in certain circumstances, I can be psychotic and antisocial or a combination both. But the people in Company T, are of different kind of ‘weird’ (in a much more fucked up way). So, how can one be worse than a combo of psycho/misanthrope like me? That answer – the employees of Company T.

Take an example, an incident that happened inside a Gents (I know this sounds kinky, but stay with me). I was alone, and was using this ordinary looking urinal, when I noticed this old codger standing behind me, quietly. At first I didn’t notice him (I thought I was alone) – just had this feeling that I was being watch and decided to look over my shoulder, and caught this guy there with my peripheral vision. It wouldn’t have been that disturbing if he’s just there jerking off or something like that (he’d just be a gay exhibitionist, nothing to be alarmed of), but he was just standing there – smirking. Like the guy’s at another level of being psychotic, waiting for something to happen, and ready to yank his dick wrinkled dick out anytime. That was when my worry set in – there were about 3 other vacant urinals around, why the fuck would this guy stand behind me giving me this sick smirk? I quickly did the ‘clamp’ (you know, just clamp up the unfinished piss with your dick sphincter and be done with it) and fucking bee-lined to the nearest exit. That was only when I noticed that he was actually waiting to use that PARTICULAR URINAL, which was sort of like, his personal urinal. That guy, must have somehow developed a bond to that fucking urinal – which he’d use everytime he thinks of draining his lizard. So that smirk that he gave me, was actually the same that one swinger would give to another swinger who’s porking his wife in a swinging event – like “Hey buddy, enjoy that ass, it’s awesome!” – It was a smirk of approval, that I can use his fucking urinal.

Tell me, how sick is that in your book of sickness?? And let’s not even mention about the girl who got labelled by me as the ‘cunt who just got out alive in a cosmetic factory explosion’… amongst others.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
April 28, 2014

if you want a job, be reasonably convincing

I received an email from an ex-colleague a week ago, telling me that he had taken a voluntary separation package and is now looking for a job. He was checking with me if my place is hiring, and whether I could hook him up to something. I had completely forgotten about the existence of this guy until I saw his email. Took me a few minutes to recall him from my tucked away memory, actually. He was one of the quality engineers (my junior) at Company X. Wasn’t a standout guy, as he was quite a reserved person (that explains why it was hard to remember him), but I remembered him to be a hardworking fellow (maybe it was for the overtime, I don’t know).

Not wanting to be a jerk, I politely told him that my workplace Company T has frozen all hirings, but assured him I’d help to ask a few friends in Company Y instead. That was how I had him to send me his resume, which I took the liberty to read. And my fucking god, you wouldn’t believe what this guy wrote in his resume. It was like reading him trying to convince people to not hire him. His resume was a fucking mess. He has like, dozens of spelling errors (some are ludicrous) and a tonne of shit that no one could understand. I have seen this kind of things go wrong before – forwarding an asswipe friend’s resume that looked like a disaster to a prospective hiring manager, only to get rejected due to a bad first paragraph. The comment was – “How the hell could I trust the guy to do a decent job if he can’t even fucking spell his company name properly??”

I would say spot on and served him right. You have to be reasonably convincing if you are looking for a fucking job. Before people can see your strength, they first look at your flaws. If your flaws are bad enough, they won’t bother about your strength. That’s why I proof read my resume hundreds of times and I do spell check on every goddamned word – just so that I don’t get into a fuck-up like this. (and of course, I also gave a lot of thought on how to structure my resume properly to control the intended perception of the reader). And this guy being an engineer, couldn’t even spell ‘electric’ properly (it wasn’t even the correct word in that context). So I did him some good, I sent him this email today… thought of sharing it here so that you fucking amateurs can wake the hell up and put some effort in convincing people that you’re not a slob :

Dey friend,
I noticed your resume has a lot of spelling errors lar… eg “costumer”. Costumer and customer different things lar macha. And many more.

If you really are serious to look for a place to go, you need to first get your resume right. First impression is the most important thing.
Do some spell check. Get someone to help proof read your resume.

You can also improve by putting in your achievements – like, “Reduced 25% line reject rate in Q2’2010 for Hard Disk drive” ,… or “Completed 3 BPI (Business Process Improvement) projects with combined savings of >USD150k, with multiple green belt certification”.

Your achievements should be longer than your responsibilities. Write it in such a way that not only Company X people can understand, but everyone in general (A HR manager has no engineering background, will be the first to go through your resume).

Your responsibilities, no need to put details like CLCA et al. People just don’t care. Just put general, like
– “Responsible to handle escalations from manufacturing and external customer”,
– “Liaise with commodity vendor to sustain and improve overall commodity quality”.

Your resume should be arranged like this :
1) Summary on your experience and expertise (strength), and what you are (a quality engineer). Should be in a paragraph less than 200 words. Must be the first thing people see. Make it catching and powerful. Get help if you don’t know how to write.
2) List your workplace + responsibilities + achievements/experience. More content for more recent work. The technician years, you can just summarize as short as possible (not important – people don’t care what you did 10 years ago).
3) Finally, your qualification and skills (a short one will do). Don’t list all your job training bulat-bulat. Skills should be something like your ace of the trade – “Lean Six Sigma”, “Certified BPI green belt”, “Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer”, “Toastmaster”. etc.

Confine within 2 pages if necessary (max 3). Put your referrals in a separate attachment (referrals are useless). Hope the info helps.

[I’ve already forwarded your resume to my friend… but i think his department is also freeze on hiring. Better get your resume fixed first… before you send it all over the world]

If any of you guys don’t understand the content of the email, that’s because you’re not local enough and you should fucking die.

P/S: Managed to hook him up to an interview, but he didn’t get the fucking job. Peace be with him.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
April 20, 2014

karpal singh

Not many people know this but, the late and great Karpal Singh once got my dad out of jail in an almost Hollywood-ish scapegoating game by an acquaintance of my dad’s. It was my mom who told me about this many years ago, after I’d noticed her giving a stinky eye to a family at a restaurant. “That was the family of the man who made your dad a scapegoat for his crimes”. I’m going to spare the details of the crime/story because it’s kinda personal and it’s so action packed that none of you would probably believe anyway. Let’s just say, it involves CIDs, car chases and guns… and it revolves around the guy vamoosing from the face of Earth and made my dad (who didn’t know a thing, except the guy) a scapegoat. (yeah, my dad mixed with the wrong company when he was young)

And that was how I first got to know Karpal’s name. Karpal was my father’s lawyer in court and he won the case. And that was way before we heard so much about him being active in DAP. I don’t know how much Karpal was paid for the lawyering job but, he did a great one, and it made a great impact to my family. He gave sound advice and he knew the in’s/out’s of the court and he kept my dad out of prison. Had my dad gone into prison for this, I know my life would have been a totally different one. Probably won’t be sitting here with my own family, with the missing childhood and all (my mom was involved too). Life would have been a much rotten one, that’s for sure.

Anyway, Karpal outlived my parents for many years (despite being older), and he touched many more lives in his journey. I always had the impression that he was a vocal man, and nothing could hold him back from saying something he wanted to say. For that, and for helping to retain my father’s freedom, this man deserves my utmost respect.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
April 1, 2014

gameshow

I was at a relative’s house watching a TV game show from China called ‘Leh Mah Cheebye’ (alright, I made the name up). I don’t know the title really, but it might be as well as that… because it’s the most fucking bizarre game show I’ve ever seen (I had no choice but watch it because I was staying overnight there with nothing to do, and it’s the only thing on TV).

This ‘Leh Mah Cheebye’ gameshow, is not about one’s maternal cunt at all. It’s about matchmaking. Well, more or fucking less the same thing, I’m not sure. Here’s how it works : Some girls would register themselves as prospective ‘pursuer’ (as in, the party who is pursuing a mate), and some guy would be the party to be pursued (it’s kinda inversed, I know… right?). What happens in the game show, is that a guy (one at a time) would come out onto the stage to be gawked at by them bunch of desperate girls. The girls will get no information about the guy at all except his physical appearance. Interested girls, will press a button (or some shit like that), and the rest will be filtered off. That’s round 1.

Round 2, more information about the guy will be revealed. His hobby for example… One of the guy I saw, had this hobby of ‘shopping for branded items, and keeping himself up to trend’. The video would then cue to show a pre-recorded session of the very same shmuck walking into a shop looking for sneakers with a faked gait like he’s trying his best to impress the whole world… it has got to be the dumbest shit I tell you! And of course, for some weird fucking reasons, some of the girls will be gullible enough to press a button to like him, and that will bring the interested girls to the next round. Some of the rounds, will have the guy’s friends giving testimonies like “He’s a fun going person, and he likes to help old people cross the street” (fakest stuff imaginable) and another round, will show the guy’s pad (tidied up for the show, of course). So the damn thing would go round after round, featuring the guy little by little, all bullshit of course – until the final round (I have no idea which) with a handful (or none) of the girls left, which the guy will then have to make a ‘tough choice’ of selecting the girl he likes most, and both of them will walk off the stage to a happy ending (or a round of try and error sex). If there’s no girl left, the guy will have to fuck off from the stage and commence his jerk off days.

I was thinking, isn’t this like, a hooker game? You know, short of paying a fee to the guy and not having to know him, this is nothing different than selecting a gigolo. Only that this is worse, they’re actually doing it for a real relationship! These desperate ladies or spinsters, who participate in the game show, aren’t they worried about friends or relatives recognizing them and use this as a bad joke for the rest of their lives? What happened to the old school method of having to court your way into the girl’s (in this case, guy’s) heart? Fucking hell. It’s now a fucking game to some people in China. I sure hope that the show isn’t real, perhaps staged like pro-wrestling or something…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
March 19, 2014

Non-debatable point

Adik-adik sekalian. Today, Uncle Michael would like to teach you this useful phrase – ‘Non-debatable point’.

Now… what is a ‘non-debatable point’? A ‘non-debatable point’ is an argument or opinion that you have (in a discussion, argument or debate), that is hands down gonna win everything there is in the discussion/argument/debate. It’s non-debatable. Anyone who attempts to debate about it (the ‘non-debatable point’) will look/sound downright stupid(der) than he/she already is for being in the discussion in the first place.

Do note that a ‘non-debatable point’ doesn’t have to be a truth, it can be a lie. It’s just so fucking awesome that it’s non-debatable.

Let me quote you an example of a ‘non-debatable point’ with a truth – this is a true story that happened at my workplace:

A few managers called for a meeting to sync up with some rules that they didn’t like getting violated by the engineers. One of the concerns raised, was this habit of keeping ICs (integrated circuits) in personal office drawers. That is not allowed according to rule book number XXVII Chapter Twelve point Seven. The correct way to store those ICs is – in a special storage cabinet (that looked – oddly – like a niche for a dead person’s cremated remains). Now the problem is, there isn’t any special storage cabinet provided to the engineers, i.e. the engineers would have no such option of storing the ICs into the said special storage cabinet. If this were to be expressed actively by a person, it would sound like this “How the fuck do I store my ICs into a special storage cabinet if I don’t have one?? Are you fucking stupid or something??”. So, basically those managers are talking about doing something with a non-existent object, and this sorta made the whole discussion a non-value added event. So the appropriate respond to this would be to repeat this – “Hello guys, there isn’t a special storage cabinet provided to us” – for every sentence spoken about the topic. It will be automatically understood as a non-debatable point.

Example of a ‘non-debatable point’ with a lie – Your pregnant wife asking you to buy a pack of spicy noodles in the middle of the night else she’ll starve to death. It’s obviously a lie, because she ain’t gonna die over a pack of noodles. But that’s a ‘non-debatable point’ because you are in no position to argue that point. The outrageous lie is said to illustrate how dire the consequences would be if she doesn’t get what she wants. You can bitch about it, but you still need to buy her a pack of fucking noodles. It’s a ‘non-debatable point’.

Learn how to spot it, and use it to your advantage, adik-adik.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off