February 15, 2016

JD for bosses

If we were to reverse-engineer the things that Company T bosses do and write a job description for it, it’ll look something like this:


XXX Manager

This position is a redundant role within XXX project, under YYY organization, but you will be highly paid for the fuck of it.
Key focus of this role is to ensure the bunch of simians running the technical aspect of the project has someone to fear of, and to be the villain arm of the department when it comes to budget hacking or beheading heads off headcounts when there is a need for retrenchment. You will be required to call for meetings at the least expected times and to create redundant objectives out of thin air (to keep the workforce perpetually in motion). This role will also provide necessary hosting work to visiting exec leaders/VPs, and be able to handle last minute requests to get dining tables/golf appointments at country clubs.

Minimum Qualifications
You will need a Bachelor’s degree in whatever or related field
A member in at least 1 country club or a golf club.
For aesthetic reasons, the candidate must be bald or balding. Having male pattern baldness genes (but not bald) in the family will be considered.
Ability to lunch alone (due to prohibition of fraternization in the company)
Acting talents will be an advantage for this position (eg. feigning to do something important on your laptop while reading something off a tabloid news site)

In addition,
Candidates should demonstrate ability to sugar coat caustic and bad news to employees in the least offensive way, so as to not jeopardize their motivation to work. This is where the acting talent comes as an advantage, ability to realistically project an emotional distress during the delivery of bad news will reduce the risk of doubts in the workforce. Must possess effective communication skills at senior level, proficient at usage of words like Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win and Future and have the intrinsic ability formulate a real-time deceptive reply to verbal inquiries by a high level executive leader. Be able to work effectively across organization boundaries, such as ability to find good restaurants at a minute’s notice, working with other departmental managers to brainstorm on reducing non-executive departmental costs, defending the management’s reputation, et al.

Should you accept this position, you must consent to and pass an extended Background Investigation, which includes (subject to country law), colonoscopy, suppository drug enhancement, colonoscopy, requests to perform fellatio and colonoscopy. For internals, this investigation may or may not be completed prior to starting the position. For additional questions, please contact our human resource.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
February 1, 2016


I was hanging out with both my wife and daughter at the bedroom, swiping something on the phone, when I heard my daughter ask:

Regine: “Mommy, what is ‘titties’?”

Before my wife could answer, I was already laughing like a jackass, while wondering where the hell could she have heard such words being used in school. Must be one of the goddamn TV shows. Anyways, it was funny in a way it was being asked, so I laughed.

Regine: “Why are you laughing daddy?”

I wanted to tell her that ‘titties’ is another slang to describe ‘boobies’, which itself is also a slang, but I just couldn’t think of a way to do it with no harm done. That was when my wife remarked:

Emily: “He’s laughing because he must have thought of something dirty…”

Me: “Eh?”

I later found out that my daughter wanted to know what does ‘titis’ mean in BeeEm (which means ‘drip’), not ‘titties’ in English. It was fortunate I didn’t take the trouble to describe what are ‘titties’ to her…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
January 29, 2016

why you no respond to emails!?

One of the biggest pet peeves about working in the corporate world is having to deal with assholes who don’t reply to work emails.

I wonder what the fuck’s up with that? An email is a form of communication, just like what you do with your voice. Do you fucking look back and stay silent like you’re square when a colleague asks you a work question face-to-face? You must be retarded if that’s a yes. That kind of behavior (of not responding) is often perceived as a conceited behavior the social decorum. It’s generally rude to ignore people. Doing it in email communications is no different, as it is just another form of (often) formal communication. How hard it is to just hit a reply button and type a short response? Beats me.

Some of my colleagues remarked that it could be due to prioritization. You know, the intended recipient could be working on something more important and therefore, does not have time for the bullshit. Well then, do you fucking ignore your mom when you’re asked to clean up the room when you’re jerking off in the toilet!? Your mom would break down the door thinking you must be in trouble and only to catch you with a dick in your hand. The key idea is COMMUNICATION! Just fucking reply with a note about something. You’re working on something else and no bandwidth? You could have said so!

Alas, people would just be a dick about it and won’t reply to work emails. It’s annoying and it impedes productivity.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
January 27, 2016

what have you signed up for…

One of my colleagues is going to be a father soon, for the first time. Naturally, as a seasoned parent, I obliged myself to offer him some pragmatic advice in our daily coffee break chats in hope that he doesn’t get frantic when the baby comes. In my younger days, I’d have appreciated if some jerk offs told me these non-sugar-coated grim realities so, I thought… why the hell not I be the jerk off to offer these advice to the society instead? Maybe this could help to reduce the future traffic jams or even world congestion… in some ways. So, aspiring parents, thank me in your thoughts and read this already:

Lack of sleep
You should totally expect of this. Babies have really messed up biological clock, they wake up at odd hours in the middle of the night for all kinds of reasons – inclement room temperature, hunger, shit in diaper, hell they’d wake when they hear clocks tick. You will not have the luxury of a good night’s sleep, especially during the first month when your wife is still recovering from the stitches. You’ll be the runner and problem solver, 24/7. You can say goodbye to your usual sleeping schedule.
How to prepare for this: To get yourself ready for this, you can start flexing your biological clock by halving your daily sleep hours. Example, if you’re currently having an 8 hour sleep, try to do 4 hours now. Let your body adjust to this.

When the baby wakes up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night, you’d be under tremendous pressure to find out what’s wrong and do something about it lest the baby wakes the whole house. The problem with this is, the baby is not capable to communicate to you what it wants except by crying, so you’ll have to find out yourself by guessing in that groggy state of mind. I tell you, it’s not an easy thing to do. Most people is incapable to even hold a proper conversation in that state, let alone to troubleshoot a baby’s need.
How to prepare for this: Get your wife to scream at you for a random problem in the middle of the night, then have you go through a series of trial-and-error exercise to get to the problem. With ample practice, you should be able to work your differentiation diagnosis pretty quickly.

Accidents with harmless objects
Feeding a baby when you’re crudely awaken from a deep sleep requires a strong psyche, for you will be required to possess the composure to carefully navigate that little bawling turd’s mouth to the lactating teat of your wife’s. It’s easy when you’re all sober and that, but not when you’re groggy. It is like trying to dock a space craft in zero gravity under the influence of alcohol to the international space station – IN THE DARK. Harmless objects like bed stands or wardrobe could spell disaster to unprotected limbs/toes/head. It could be worse if you’re going for bottle feeding and have to deal with hot water. It’s very hard to mix the right amount of formula with the right water temperature when you’re groggy. Accidental scalding is a common injury for noob fathers (like me).
How to prepare for this: You know those wire loop game which you run a metal loop through a roller coaster like wire track? Those that would electrocute the person holding the metal loop if it touches the wire track? Have your – again – wife, to wake you up at random sleeping hours to play this game to hone your dexterity and improve your motor memory. Alternately, you can practice this while intoxicated, it’ll have the same effect.

Biohazard exposure
Babies are filthy people. They puke, poo, pee and fart in their bed – and they don’t feel shame of it at all. You’ll have to deal with the baby’s bodily waste and there’s a high chance that these toxic wastes will come in contact with your bare skin during your interaction. If you have a really weak heart for creamy stink-to-high-heaven baby excrement or stale puke that smells like rotten milk, then you’re in for a tough ride. Changing a diaper and cleaning up puke from the bed were the most traumatic experience ever for me. It’s really a mystery how a little person can produce such a nasty smelling retch inducing wastes with just goddamn milk. This will be the time that the expression “I didn’t sign up for this!!” get tossed in your mind a lot and really messes you up psychologically.
How to prepare for this: A couple of ways to do this – short term, you can MacGyver a piece of respiratory face mask, and add some medicated oil (minyak angin) near where you breathe. Caution: dire consequences if minyak angin comes in contact with baby’s puckering asshole. Long term – get friendly with the local garbagemen when they come by with a garbage truck. Chat with them next to the truck, soak yourself in with the nasty smell and stretch your olfactory organ a bit. Get used to nasty smells, you’ll be alright.

Social problems
You only have a finite amount of time given per day. When you have a baby, most of the time will be given to that baby, and you’re not going to get additional compensated hours back for that. Ergo, you can say goodbye to socializing with friends, hobbies (won’t be able to concentrate anyway), night life and colleagues. It’s like a permanent solar eclipse that blocks out everything that use to be touched by the sun. You’ll be out of touch and start to adopt quirky behaviors like, inclination to spot brown stuff lying around the house, or whiffing around for troubles. You’ll be sensitive to the sight of strangers, and you’ll be constantly looking for discounts in pharmacies (don’t ask me why). Staying at home is now the new joy, going out becomes the peril. There’s no recovery, your life will be permanently changed.
How to prepare for this: Fuck man, this can’t be helped.

I think I should stop…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
January 19, 2016

fire risk at petrol station

I have this habit of recording my fuel consumption whenever I start a new tank of gas/petrol with my car. Usually, I’d just whip out my cellphone at the pump to record the stats right there and then with an Evernote app and then I’d put my phone away. But today, my actions drew some uncanny reactions from a couple of old farts in a white MyVi at the pump behind my car.

The driver, who looked like some old hunchback dentist, was glowering at me like I was the perpetrator who stole his wife’s XXXL underwear or something. I wasn’t sure initially if he was actually targeting me but my suspicion was later confirmed when his fellow old fart passenger – who looked like an old pedophile priest – pointed at me and was mumbling something to that hunchback dentist in the car *inaudible dialog*. I immediately became uncomfortable of course at the bordering rude theatrics, and gestured back to the 2 gents with some hand signals while lip syncing –> ‘What the the fuck are you looking at??’ (I’m not fond of old people, so I didn’t hold back from expressing my thoughts)

Pedophile priest then lifted up his antique cellphone (with buttons) and pointed at it – to indicate that he’s/they’re not happy with me swiping my cell phone at the pump (this must be the root of the age old urban legend belief that cellphones may cause fire at gas/petrol pumps). You can imagine that this is the same scenario that happened in Mos Eisley cantina in Star Wars episode IV, when Ponda Baba told Luke Skywalker in his unintelligible alien language at the bar that he doesn’t like him there, resulting his arm being hacked off with a lightsaber in an unfortunate turn of events that followed. My reaction? Unlike Luke, I gave them zero fucks. Of course, if given the permission to act freely without any consequence, I’d have opted to walk over to the MyVi and break off its side mirror in lieu of an arm as a trophy… Anyway, that’s not how the society works so, I went ahead with my business amidst the consternation of the 2 senior citizens with slightly elevated blood pressure.

Now back to the question – can a cellphone actually cause a fire at a gas/petrol station? Let’s fucking do this in an FAQ form for convenience’s sake.

So, can a cellphone cause fire at a gas station?
Fuck yes of course. Only if you short the battery contacts or do basically something stupid with your phone to cause a spark – like stabbing the battery pack with a metal knife (like this).

What if you use your phone normally?
Nuh uh. Not going to happen. You’re more likely to get a fire with a running engine than a fucking cellphone (my hypothesis – running rubber belt is like a Van der Graaf machine, spark plugs firing, car full of operating electronics/electrical doohickeys).

Well then, why do people keep saying cellphones cause fire at pumps?
Because they’re ill informed morons who also believe Microsoft is paying $1 to an orphanage everytime you share a post in your Facebook. You see, it takes a spark to ignite the gas/petrol fume to be able to start a fire. A phone is simply too lame to do that. You know what’s the major cause of fires? Static electricity.

What is static electricity?
Fucking google it you cheebye.

How does static electricity cause a fire?
When the static electricity discharges to a ground point or lower potential point through the air barrier, a spark is created (same principle that causes lightning) and MIGHT ignite the fume to start a fire. Your phone doesn’t do jackshit to make you gain charge.

How’d this normally happen?
When you move around, you pick up static electricity. When you’re charged and happens to touch a ground point near the refueling nozzle, there’s a chance that it might cause a spark, and therefore, might ignite the fume. That’s why gas/petrol stations are required to follow strict protocols to ground their pumps and shit.

How can I avoid this?
If you must ask, stay the fuck away from gas/petrol stations. If you must go anyway, just keep your bare hands in constant contact of your car body or the metal part of the pump console, BEFORE you fucking pump the gas/petrol. Stay at least a couple of feet away from the fueling point – away from the fume (besides being combustible, it is also carcinogenic – causes cancer), while maintaining constant contact with the car body/pump console. Refrain from walking around.

Do you have proof for this?
I don’t. But there are shitloads of research done and all you need to do is do some reading. Also, this is a busted myth by the Mythbusters – check the short video out here.

To the 2 old men glowering at me today, you know they’re saying that cellphones are bad for the brain, because it literally microwaves your head and causes brain damage. I wonder why you guys didn’t choose to believe in that as well?. Is it because you’re being a selective moron? That must be what you are.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, experiences  | Comments Off