June 29, 2019

michelin star

I wonder why people are so obsessed with Michelin Stars. Do you people even know how stupid the system is? It doesn’t make a restaurant special, having Michelin Star(s). I’ve personally been to a couple and trust me when I say, they’re bollocks.

If you think about it, it’s just a publication of food recommendation by a tire company. That’s like a carpenter giving you theology lesson (hey… wait a minute…). It started out way in the old times when internet was not ‘invented’ yet, so this tire company published a magazine recommending restaurants to encourage people to drive around. You see, even back then, they already had the incentive to be deceptive, because the primary motivation of the guide had not been about good food – but to encourage people to move around, so that they get good tire sales. See my point?

Now fast forward to today, why the hell do we need such guide based on a bunch of people from a tire company? You have the internet and the sea of information, where people can freely dispense their opinions and reviews about a restaurant (and all other kinds of business, for that matter) to give you this idea of how good it is. You get pictures, no holds barred write ups, and unfiltered information 24/7. If it’s bad, it’s going to get bad rating, aggregated across all the people who give a deign to put in a review. Isn’t that so much better than a seriously flawed walled-garden Michelin Star system? Why trust the selected few French fucks when you can trust everyone in this world you live in with? You get fucking google/facebook/tripadvisor/foursquare/etc honest stars… and it’s free. Isn’t that so much better? But you guys have to pick Michelin Star and make that selected few go smug about their meaningless achievement, and get the shit passed down to your stupid ass in the form of overpriced food and underfilled plate.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
June 10, 2019

Regine wants a pet 2

My daughter Regine has always wanted a pet. She has harped me about wanting a pet since she was 6. Back then, we placated her with a couple of goldfish, which turned out to be a disaster. Lately, she told me she wanted a pet cat. I said no because cats are fucked up. I gave her many reasons.

Firstly, all our furniture will be gone. The fucking cat’s gonna claw the shit out of them, along with everything that lies in its path (our electronics, adapters, chargers, cables, settop box, tv… goddamn). Secondly, there’s going to be fur everywhere. Believe me when I say, no matter how short a cat’s fur is, it’s going to shed like no tomorrow (I know this because I have friends who are cat owners). I have enough human hairs to vacuum weekly, I can’t deal with the extra fur from 1 more cat. Thirdly, hygiene. I know cats preen themselves and they should be cleaner than a goddamn dog. But that’s not enough. Think about it. Do cats wipe/clean their ass after they poo? And that cat’s going to use the same ass to sit on our beds/furniture/face. How can anyone not find that disgusting?? (come to think of it, this applies to dogs as well).

So, no cats. She should feel grateful already that I allowed a daughter to dwell with us.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | Comments Off
June 2, 2019

things that make my day

It was the long weekend and I was at Cecil Street with my family to grab a lunch. As expected, the place was crowded with outstation weekenders, it was chaotic there. It was hot, humid, smoky, shoulders to shoulders with strangers… and we were struggling to find a table.

As I inched through the madness, I spotted a table, right in front of my favorite coffee stall. “Damn!” I thought, the planets must have aligned to my favor that day… and promptly made a beeline to the table, sat myself there. As soon as I sat down, there stood this obese middle aged lady with a Karen hairstyle dyed shit brown who probably is against vaccination, glowering at me like I had punched her huge fat tits with a knuckle duster with spikes. She must have set eyes on that table from far, but was taken by me first. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, and there was a little bit of her soul that died inside her that moment.

I don’t know why but, the whole thing sort of made my day that day. First getting the table, and second, seeing that fat Karen’s disappointment of not getting that table. Hell, even the food tasted better, for some unfathomable reasons. I’m a sick, sick, man. ;-D

michaelooi  | ramblings  | Comments Off
May 25, 2019

moron from KL

Morons from KL come to Penang all the time. They like the cheap and good food here. But with them, they bring their decadent driving habits.

Met one in a Lexus SUV today – his car stopped in the middle of his lane on a 2 way narrow street (his indicator was on, he was waiting for someone I reckon). I was coming from the opposite direction, and the car in front of me pulled to a stop to drop off someone. So I had no choice but to maneuver around the car in front of mine to overtake. But when I swerved out, this Lexus high beamed me repeatedly from its stationary position, which in car language in Malaysia – is equivalent to ‘get out of my way you fucking asshole!’. He was about a good 20 meters away.

Not knowing why or what his problem was, I high beamed him back ‘get out of my way you fucking asshole’. So when I drove past his driver side window, I slowed down to take a good look at this retarded specimen of a biological waste – he looked like one of the goons in Kungfu Hustle that begged to be punched in the face. He was glowering at me like I have just killed his entire family. So I did what’s best to diffuse the situation, I showed him the local Penang sign language to assure him our hospitality of his antics here. He reciprocated with a mad honk to the steering like someone had just ran over his pet dog. Too bad the air bag didn’t inflate, it’d have been cool.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
May 16, 2019

nipple girl

There’s this girl at my workplace, whom I subconsciously refer as ‘the nipple girl’. No I do not know this person, she’s from another team. I’ve just seen her around. She earned that moniker because she has huge nipples. No, I have not seen her nipples raw before, just the impression… you know… from her embossed nipples. You see, no matter what she wears everyday, her nipples will get embossed out, leaving very little else to imagine. Just like that Jennifer Aniston, except hers are much bigger. About the size of a vehicle wheel lug nut I estimate. Huge motherfucking nipples. Warps the space time continuum. In case anyone’s wondering on the looks’ department, I’d say she’s about a 5, slender with an A cup, slightly cross eyed, with a little buck teeth, good complexion. Bronn would fuck her, so would the bunch of nerds following her around.

And that, is the perk of having people like her around. Nerds would go all over her. You hire one like her, she’d get the workforce of a few folds in return. It was all the work of the nipples. I wonder why my boss haven’t figure that out already – hire a huge nippled girl and get a few free headcounts helping out to get jobs done. That’s how great things are accomplished. Great men have fallen in battles for less than huge nipples.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off