I wonder if you guys fucking remember this???

If you don’t, well, you either must be too young or too fucking old to know what I’m talking about.

This box of chocolate junk with an image of a cross-eyed Doraemon clone, has something other than chocolate balls in it - a cheap toy.

For some strange reason, kids during my time used to go all nuts about it (the crappy chocolate balls, however, would be discarded to feed Malaysian stray rats…). It was part of the madness that hit the 80’s, and ‘Cokelat Ding Daaaang’ held a special place in us kids’ hearts…

Today, that place has been detrimentally taken over by digital images of nude girls with fake titties on the internet… corrupting the minds of the young, lowering their IQ’s and retarding their growth. (that’s why they all look identically like Jay Chou now)

I want to ask you people something, and I want you to be honest about it, and I need as many answers as possible. You people have the whole weekend to do this…

Read the simple scenario below, and then move on to the main question.

*****

Miss E’s shit ugly best friend is getting married. Not intending to attend her best friend’s wedding, which is going to be held at some bumfuck location in an ulu land far far away, Miss E decided to send her a gift instead. A bottle of exclusive and expensive body fragrance. Yeah, her best friend is definitely going to love it. She’s not going to smell bad no more.

So Miss E went to this departmental store counter, and found the perfect bottle of fragrance for her best friend - Tommy Hilfiger “Dreaming”. I don’t really know if it smells any good, but the name sure sounds nice, and not to mention, damn expensive. I mean, it isn’t really that expensive per se, but as a gift someone else… it pricks a little.

Anyway, Miss E paid for the expensive little bottle of fragrance and went on her way back to the office (she did the shopping during her lunchtime). As she was about to leave the carpark in her colleague’s car, she realized that there were TWO bottles of Tommy Hilfiger “Dreaming” inside the bag. Mein gott himmel! What the fuck!? Now there were a few of her colleagues inside that car. One of them, the driver of the car, wanted Miss E to return that extra bottle of EXPENSIVE FRAGRANCE to the departmental store… while the rest, they had a reserved opinion about returning the gift from God…

Miss E, she suddenly felt so small and helpless, not knowing what to do.

*****

Now, on to the question - What would you do if you’re in Miss E’s position?

Would you keep the extra bottle of expensive Tommy Hilfiger fragrance?

or

Would you choose to return the damn thing to redeem yourself some glorified sense of righteousness?

Remember, Miss E didn’t plot for this. It was an accident. Somebody somewhere was careless, and she ended up with an extra bottle of fragrance she didn’t have to pay for.

Your opinion please and why. Thank you.

The Company X cafeteria caterer has this odd way of charging its patron extra for mixed spreads of waffle pancakes. For example, if it’s one half butter spread with second half flavored spread (peanut butter, jam, honey, etc), it’ll be only RM1.50. But if both halves are with flavored spreads, an extra 30 cents will be charged, ergo RM1.80.

The cashier is located a distance away from the waffle counter, so in order to make the customized charging process work, Company X patrons are required to ‘declare’ their waffles at the cashier like it’s a fucking taxable commodity on each payout.

I was doing that yesterday, and following conversation transpired between myself and the cashier, who is a Malay lass in her fluorescent headscarf…

Me: “One waffle, with peanut butter and butter.”

Cashier: “I beg your pardon?”

Me: “One waffle, with peanut butter and butter.”

Cashier: “So you got 2 waffles there?”

Me: “No, I said ONE waffle, with one half peanut butter and the other half butter.”

Cashier: “Peanut butter?”

Me: “You have never heard of peanut butter before? Take a look at this then.” [shows her my waffle]

Cashier: [peeks into the brown paper bag] “Ooooohhhh, itu peanut.”

Me: “No, that is not a peanut if you can’t tell. That is called ‘peanut butter’. Spread made from peanuts.”

Cashier: “Ok ok.”

I’m surprised that there are people out there who has never heard of ‘peanut butter’ before. I wonder if she actually knows what a cheebye is. If she doesn’t, well then, I wouldn’t mind to point her to look into a mirror - itu lah, cheebye yang paling besar di dunia. Ada mata dan hidung pulak tu.

what is it about?
A complete footage from a camcorder, featuring a catastrophic event of a big fucking monster rampaging through the streets of New York (right, again), leaving behind death and destruction.

the plot?
Not much of a plot really. A lovesick and heartbroken guy (the protagonist) is evacuating the city from a monster attack, when he receives a phone call from his dying (but hot) girlfriend. Feeling upset about his seriously injured girlfriend in distress, he decides to be stupid and goes to her rescue out of compunction, along with a few of his friends… adventure ensues.

likes
- no bullshit introduction about the monster etc. The thing just shows up uninvited at the city, and starts wreaking havoc like he has just lost a hefty football bet. Just straight to the point.
- the effects are very much better than Godzilla’s / King Kong’s. Demolition and destruction of the building blocks are like what we saw happened to WTC during 9/11. The gore factor is equally amazing.
- the single perspective of the whole flick is quite neat, which lets the audience follow the storyline linearly, saving the need to switch plots, reducing the complexity. (read: it’s unintelligent and good in it’s own way)
- the monster looks mean and badass enough to my liking, and I also have to say that it reminded me a lot of Deathclaws in the popular RPG Fallout… (Deathclaws are fucking awesome)

dislikes
- the shaky camcorder view sucks. It’s like watching “Cops” - makes me dizzy. They could have done it with a fixed cam with the same single perspective story telling (eg: “Children of Men”).
- lack of screen time for the monster. If you’re armed with a camcorder and there’s this big monster tearing down the whole city apart (and for some strange reason, you’re not thinking about getting the fuck out of there), would you be shooting you and your buddies running around like dorks? I don’t know about you people but, I’d be pointing my camera at the fucking monster - AS MUCH AS I CAN!
- the idea of the monster being invincible is ridiculous. They could have made him bleed and stuff, it would have been way cooler.

spoilers
Everyone fucking dies in the end.

rating
Despite being a head spinning catalyst and somewhat of a gyp for not screening enough monster scene, it is still pretty good stuff to me. 7/10.

Now, how many of you ever had the chance to express your negative opinions about housewives and their bad taste in fashion, to a bunch of housewives? I had the rare opportunity yesterday.

The historical event took place at Company X cafeteria when I was having my breakfast with a couple of these shapeshifted housewives. They were sharing opinions about how important it is for an aged woman to look the best for her age. You know, stuff about wearing revealing clothes, dying their hair shit-brown, etc.

Initially, I do not intend to participate in their discussion, because I am not into the idea of old people trying to look young by having excessive makeovers and shit. I knew if I say something, I am going to strike some nerves there and get into trouble. But then, I couldn’t help it after a while. I figured I had to say something - for the sake of mankind - to change the paradigm that has wrongfully taken residence inside their porous brains.

I told them, it is definitely not OK for old women to over-indulge themselves with cosmetic makeovers and vogue fashion. There is only so much one can hide, and after that, it’s going to look just more and more ridiculous and revolting. It’s like adding sugar to your dessert. The right amount of it, will be pleasant. Too much of it, you’d get stroke and high blood pressure (or whatever). See my point? But sadly, not many aging women realize that. They see makeovers and vogue fashion as a huge fountain of youth - the more you slap them on, the better looking you are. That’s just fucking tragic, man.

I’m sure many of you have seen old shapeshifted housewives trying to dress-to-kill. Shapeshifters with hump wearing barebacks, shapeshifters with dimpled cellulites wearing miniskirts, spandex pants, etc. It makes you wonder, what the fuck is wrong with them. I once saw a woman who was way beyond her menopausal age wearing a low cut blouse grandiosely revealing her canyon-wide wrinkled cleavage to the world. Like, can’t she tell? That her rack is… is… is… as saggy… and wrinkled… as a blob of wet plastic bag? Things that I don’t understand.

I know some of you are probably going to chide me that this is about a woman feeling good about her own body and having shitfucks of self confidence that I probably won’t understand in this lifetime. You know, the usual bullshit. But I was just being honest about what is not pleasant to my eyes. Nobody’s stopping them from having self confidence. This is not about having self confidence. This is about how not to be an eyesore and even more, a subject of ridicule. Why can’t they be comfortable with how they naturally look? In my opinion, women with age should not aim at how they look, they should aim at how they carry their personality. When you’re 60 wearing a mini-fucking-skirt or a spandex pants showing off your droopy cameltoes, people just won’t give you any respect. They pay you respect (with flowers and joss paper, that is…)

I think got my opinion across… because none of them castigated me of what I said. Before I peel off, I gave them this final crazy ass suggestion about doing a self check before hitting the streets with their makeovers:

“If you ladies really want to find out if you have really overdid your makeover or overdressed, just take a stroll past the front gate of any of your dog rearing neighbors. If your neighbor’s dog barks like batshit crazy when it sees you, that means whatever you’re wearing or have on your face, are going to agitate some animals and it is also likely going to have negative effects on us humans as well. That’s the time when you should seriously consider to tone it down.”

This, is gonna change the world.