August 3, 2016

John the restaurant manager

Bill, the owner of a busy restaurant, was talking to the restaurant manager at his outlet one day to talk about a leaky pipe situation…

Bill: “So, John, how long does it take to settle this mess?”

John: “Takes time to find out where the underground leak is. Then once identified, the plumber need to hack up a part of the floor there, and install a new pipe. Could take the whole work day. And that is assuming that is the only leak. Then there’s the need to-” [Bill cuts him off]

Bill: “That’s too long. Can’t you just get more plumbers to speed it up? It’s just manhours.”

John: “Well, I can get more plumbers but the troubleshooting takes-” [Bill cuts him off again]

Bill: “No no no… if a plumber takes the whole day, then technically that job would just take a quarter of the day if we have 4 plumbers.”

John: “That’s not how-” [Bill cuts him off again]

Bill: “Just goddamn get 8 plumbers, and I expect this to be resolved in an hour from now. Now go get it done already.”

John: *picks up a ball point pen and stabs Bill in the face*

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July 20, 2016

super awesome toasts

Hi guys. Today I’m going to teach you how to make a meal of super awesome toasts.

I bet many of you think making toasts is easy, well, hell yeah. But making a super awesome one ain’t… so, consider this a random act of kindness from me.

So let’s get things started already. First of all, the ingredients.

1) Sliced white bread. Get something with a dense white part, and not too thick. Gardenia is good. Again, avoid using other types of bread like wholemeal or butterscotch. Those bread are only suitable as bird feed.

2) Salted butter. Processed from the milk of a cow born on 29th February of odd years. If you can’t find one, get SCS salted butter. (no, adding salt to unsalted butter won’t work). Make sure it is not too soft. Best is to leave it for about 15 – 20 mins at room temp (29C, longer if colder) once it is taken out of the fridge.

3) Sweetened condensed milk. If you do not know what’s a condensed milk, you should probably jump from a very high building. Sweetened condensed milk is ubiquitous in hypermarts and grocery stores. Get a decent one like Susu Cap Junjung or the Teapot brand. Lookout for dead lizards in the can.

4) Proper tools to do the job. A butter knife to spread the love across your toasts, and a fucking toaster. Seriously, use a fucking toaster, not an oven or waffle maker.

And that’s all you ever need. Here are the steps:

First you lay out 2 slices of white bread flat onto a plate. Then you inspect them for flaws.

sandwich
the sliced white bread should be white and flawless you fuck

Once you’ve completed inspection, setup the toaster. First install a driver called ‘commonsense.py’. Set the toaster to about 30% burnt. Different toasters have varying levels but they all meant the fucking same thing. Mine has 5 levels, so my setting should be about 1.5.

sandwich
those numbers aren’t indicating the minutes, you dumb fuck

Then you carefully install those inspected sliced white bread pieces into the toaster slots. Make sure they’re seated at the center to allow it to aerate and breathe evenly (alright I just made that up, I just have a mild case of OCD). If your bread slices don’t fit, go buy a new toaster.

sandwich
correct way to install Sliced Bread 2.0 into Toaster Kernel

You should get the installation right by now. Push down the lever to activate toaster. You should be able to smell the aroma of the bread if it’s working. If it’s not, try to microwave your cellphone.

sandwich
those glowing little lightsabers are doing their job toasting the damn bread

The toasts are ready when they pop up from the toaster. Now WAIT! Literally that’s what you need to do. You need to cool down the toasts, and yet retain its crispness. Just put them under the fan for 3 minutes. Or you can leave it for 8 minutes 13.45 seconds without a blowing fan.

sandwich
leave them to cool down, very important

The reason to cool them down is to not ruin the butter. The butter should be creamy on the toast, not melt like grease. If the toasts are hot/warm, the butter will melt and there goes your toasts. Once they’ve been cooled down, spread the butter on one of the toasts like how you’d spread love to a sweet looking poontang.

sandwich
butter on toast should not melt. if it does, you’ve failed your parents

Then you spread the other piece with the sweetened condense milk. The thing is damn sweet so, spread in moderation unless you’d like some diabetes to go with your toasts.

sandwich
a thin layer of condensed milk. Only works on toasts, would seep through regular bread

Once you’ve got both sides prepped, carefully assemble them spread-to-spread, just like how a seasoned cobbler glue together the naked sole of a shoe to a rubber outsole. Your toast sandwich is now ready to be devoured.

sandwich
tadaa! one of the very few non-sex-toy items in the world that gives you orgasm

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
July 4, 2016

“Eye In The Sky” (2015)

Don’t you hate it when a flick has to waste 40 – 50% of its entire screening doing some background sub-story for the protagonist – which probably has no significance to the main plot? Fucking annoying, isn’t it? Why can’t every movie just start midway, just like Dredd or Children of Men? Or this, Eye In The Sky?

Awesome piece of shit, this movie. If one knows my preference, you’d know that I like engaging flicks with very little bullshit background storytelling and one that leaves me plenty of room to do some thinking instead. This flick is one stellar example of how it should be – virtually no character building kinds of shit that I abhor and straight to the point. All the character building will be from the viewer’s own judgement based on what transpired in the plot. Who’s cold, who’s soft, who’s the pussy, it’ll be built in the mind when the movie ends.

The plot of this flick revolves around a military drone monitoring cum capture mission of several prized terrorist targets, which then turned into a goddamn assassination mission after the targets changed the meeting place to an unsafe (for capture) zone. Unbeknownst to the soon-to-be-dead terrorists, the whole house (meeting place) was being monitored by no less than a dozen strangers through a drone plane high def camera, comprised of military men/women and ministers of a few nations (a joint military operation). But what was initially a straight forward guided missile strike, soon escalated into a predicament, when a fucking kid came into the picture to complicate the situation. So there’s the question of protocol, morality, legality and humanity to defuse the tension – kill the kid and save the public? Spare the kid and risk the public (there were suicide bombers in there…)? The plot even throws in some light comedy as well, which was brilliant. And it was all in 1 sitting. Just a little more than 90 minutes, it is a gem to watch. (at one point, it even reminded me of the red tapes I faced at work in real life…)

8 out of 10 (engaging plot, solid performance especially from Professor Snape, a little gore to the taste)

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June 27, 2016

dinner on father’s day

I was at a Korean restaurant with my wife and daughter on Father’s Day eve, and in came a family of 5, which was seated right next to us. The family of 5, consists of a couple and a kid, with another older couple whom I reckoned must be the wife’s parents. I could tell that they were there for a Father’s Day dinner, because they did not look naturally together. Their dinner was awkward, as I’ve noticed. [it was just a regular nice weekend dinner for us, which we always do – something we look forward every weekend].

One could instantly tell that the son-in-law was the one who’s gonna pay for the dinner because he was cocky and obnoxious. Irritating for us, actually, for we had to contend this lout who couldn’t help to tell the world (loudly) that he’s the most uneducated fuckstain in town and has a personality comparable to a hobo’s dick cheese. The rest of the family members, were all very quiet listening to this loser yapping like a bullhorn, sending half chewed projectiles all over the place. At times, he’d even castigate the old lady for not knowing how to properly eat a Samgyeopsal dish. The old man (wife’s father) was especially pissed off, though with an almost straight face – probably wondering what had he done wrong in his past life to deserve a son-in-law like that.

The wife, abashed by her husband’s behavior, kept looking towards our table to check if we noticed. Of course I fucking noticed! How couldn’t I? Her fucking oaf of a husband was like a beacon of a potential dark possibility for everyone in the restaurant there. I was like, gazing into the future through a portal, that one day, I might be in that fucking old man’s pair of uncomfortable shoes. But instead of sitting around gazing at food projectiles from my son-in-law’s mouth landing all over the table like paratroopers in WWII, I’d probably jam that pair of flat metal Korean chopsticks into his skull, pry it open, hawk a loogy and spit it into his tiny brain. Then I’m going to spend the rest of my life in jail. So what’s the fucking point of having this torturous dinner yang penuh keseksaan ini? Might as well don’t do it.

That was why I told my daughter this on that night – “Look at that table. Look at that loud fat guy. He’s the son-in-law of that old couple. Now, I don’t want to be like that sad old man, eating this joker’s dinner on Father’s Day. I don’t need him to bring us out for dinner, because I can afford my own dinner. If you want to have dinner with me on Father’s Day, you can come alone or with my grandchildren. We’d eat like a happy family like we always do. But don’t let your husband bring us out to dinner. I’m not going to enjoy it. That’s because I’m not your husband’s father. I am your father. If he wants to celebrate Father’s Day, he should do it with his own father or whoever he fancies, just not me. Ok?”

“Ok”

“Good. If you’re broke but still want a Father’s Day dinner, you can just buy some cheap packed food and we can still enjoy them at home, but without your husband. If you don’t want to have dinner with me for some other reasons, I’m fine with it too. Just don’t put me into that situation right there, ok?”

I couldn’t have made it any clearer. My daughter got everything I said, although I was receiving some death stares from my wife. For me, it’s very simple. I don’t do things for the sake of doing it. Things have to be done with a purpose. If the purpose is wanting me to be happy, then everyone should just fucking leave me alone when I’m old. I hope my daughter reads this when she’s married.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
June 12, 2016

Bavaria, Germany 2016 – Itinerary and planning (11 days)

Went to Germany recently and was requested by some friends to share the itinerary… and I thought, why the hell not make this a thing in my blog? So here it is. But before you proceed, read the disclaimer…

Disclaimer:
– This is a summer trip, made for June 2016. It won’t work for winter.
– This was planned based on 3 pax – my wife, my then-9-yo daughter, and myself. If you’re planning for a of group more than 4, this probably won’t work for you.
– This trip has a lot of hiking at mainly these 3 areas: Fellhorn-Kanzelwand (2 peaks), Nebelhorn and Neuner köpfle. No theme parks, no zoos, no sunny beaches. This won’t be for you if you have a small child in your group.
– The trip requires one to be reasonably fit to do it (as I’ve learnt the hard way…) and requires some special gears (tough hiking shoes, outdoor jacket, hiking poles)
– There will be some side trips at Munich, Schwangau, Lindau and Frankfurt areas as well. You’d see them below.
– You’ve gotta know how to fucking read a map. My wife for example, isn’t good with maps. If she’s going alone, it’d be the last time I see her. I use both maps and GPS (sometimes unreliable) to get my bearings right. Despite the advent of cellphones, I sometimes find paper maps more convenient.
– Hiking trip and a lot of walking. Prep yourself to be outdoor. Raincoats/jackets, travel umrellas, hiking shoes/gears, etc.
– A lot of train and bus rides as well. If you have motion sickness (like me), you’ll be in for a tough time.

(expect a long post after the jump)
Read the rest of this entry »

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