August 4, 2010

Squeak Art Asia

Have you ever looked at the bunch of artworks that your little tyke did and wondered if they’re going to end up on a wall like a prized collection somewhere/someday?

Well, unless your child is a prodigy, that is not likely gonna happen. But fret not, you can actually get it done (with a fee, of course) and have it hung at your own home. Or be given away as a gift to a loving grandmother/godmother etc. Two of my cousins started a company that does stuff like this, and I’m helping them to pimp their stuff here because they’re awesome.

Just check out the 3 artworks my Regine did, 2 of which were done when she was 3 years of age (remember “Burning House” and “14 Colorful Clouds”? I’ve blogged about them here) and the other one done a few months ago (titled “Red Hill”).

So instead of chucking her works away like scrap papers, we kinda had them ‘immortalized’ in square shaped canvas and have them hung on a wall somewhere, to be appreciated for years to come.

Basically, Squeak Art Asia can help you make anything you want into canvas, including bootlegged paintings, original paintings by your talented maid (or yourself), or even photographs (this could be a thing for you if you’re a business owner and you want the pics of your products on your wall). They have all sorts of things going on there, you can check them out in the following sites.

http://squeakartasia.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/squeak.art.asia

Price is of course, reasonable. And you’re likely going to get better service, if not a discount, if you tell my cousins that Michael Ooi sent you. They are headquartered in KL, and delivery can be arranged. For more inquiries, you can email the owners at the following address here:-

amy@squeakartasia[dot]com

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michaelooi  | misc  | Comments Off
August 2, 2010

old hags inc.

My buddies and I were walking back to the car from a night out at a pub. Because we’re all very intoxicated, we’re kind of loud and were talking shit throughout the long walk. You know, the normal stuff drunks do. On our last 50m or so in the indoor parking lot, I noticed 2 female creatures walking beside us, also on their way to their car… who looked like something that the science of evolution cannot explain… whose sole existence was to destroy urban buildings in Tokyo and fated to be beaten up by giant vigilantes clad in metallic silver tight latex suit with egg shaped tinted goggles.

On any given day, I would have ignored those eyesores but I somehow caught one of them overtly giving us a stinky eye. Because I was drunk like fuck, I was void of all the senses to be courteous and decided to say something about what I saw to the guys… [it was said in Hokkien, rather loudly]

“Hoiii! Lau ee tulan lu aa!”
["Hoiii! The old hag is pissed at you guys!"]

Neither of the 2 creatures were actually old. It was said in a half jest just to piss them off (they’re probably in their late 20′s or early 30′s). But my bluntness kind of touched some raw nerves there and one of them yelled at me. I don’t quite remember what she yelled but, it was something like, ‘I’m not an old hag ok!!!’. She said it like it’s going to make them look young again…

My reaction? I laughed like a shit fuck (don’t know why). Square at that creature’s face. I swear, if she were to be one of those she-bitch types that could fight like an MMA contender, she could have easily tossed my ass 3 floors down the parking lot building, as I was in my most vulnerably drunk position. But fortunately, old hag didn’t resort to violence or anything like that. Strangely, they laughed back at us after that, probably delighted with the fact that some drunken idiots finally gave them some attention after a long grueling night out. What the fuck.

Anyway, their car was coincidentally parked right next to mine and as I was still laughing to the verge of puking, I rolled down my window, gestured to the driver to do the same. The driver rolled down her window and I then said this to them (not verbatim but something like that…)

“Sorry, I did not mean to call you an old hag… I was actually referring to your friend… HAHAHAHAHH!”

And I drove off to have the most wicked breakfast with the guys.

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michaelooi  | rompings  | Comments Off
July 29, 2010

parting gift

A week before I left Company X, I received an email from my boss with an attachment. Content as follows.

From: Boss
Sent: Wednesday, July 21, 2010 2:06 PM
To: michaelooi
Subject: Testinony

Michael,
Would you like to have any alteration on your testimony, you can inform me for your input.

Regards,
Boss

Attached with the crudely written email, was a letter of testimony written by him. After I’ve read the letter, I did not know whether to laugh or cry. You can check it out yourself, the content of the letter is as follows:

29th July 2010

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Subject: Testimonial for Michael Ooi

Michael Ooi has joined the company on [date]. Throughout his services in the company, he was attached to [department] as [position]. He is solely in charge of [lab name] for products testing & reliability function. He grows together with the [Company X].

He has demonstrated his dedication to work assigned. He is definite a good team player and diligent in carry out the task that assigned to him.

I am confident with his strong technical knowledge and positive work attitude that will equipped him for future career.

We thanks Michael Ooi for his valuable contribution to our team and wish him all the best on his future endeavors.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
[Boss' name]
[Position], [Department]
Company X

I really did not know what to say. I wanted to tell him that the letter sucked-ass so bad, that I felt like swallowing a computer mouse. But alas, I didn’t do it, because it was done in good faith. It’s like a cat came to you with a dead rat hoping you’d be impressed. It would be plain wrong to kick the animal and send it away, because in its best perception with a least intelligent mind, that rat carcass was the best thing ever it wanted to give you.

So I did what I should – I politely declined the letter, and thanked him for his thoughtful act.
[The letter actually made me more depressed, mahai...]

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michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 9 Comments
July 26, 2010

pussy in heat

It’s true that men are becoming pussies.

I was at a restaurant today having my breakfast, when I saw an uninvited guest came ambling in. A stray female cat (no balls, had to be a female). One of the restaurant helpers, a scrawny Indian bloke (let’s call him Appu for conveniences’ sake), was given the simple task by the manager, to evict the animal from the premise. Now, this would have been a simple task for virile men like you and me. But for Appu, he had a problem. He looked as if he was given the task to diffuse an armed nuclear warhead!

Appu literally stood there for about 20 – 30 seconds, before he decided to pinch that flab of skin behind the cat’s neck to haul its ass out of the restaurant. But because the cat was quite big, the ‘grab’ didn’t quite hold, and the cat didn’t even leave ground. Instead, for some strange fucking reasons, the cat became somewhat aroused and then lolled promiscuously to its side like it was expecting Appu to give it an oral sex or something… and started to purr softly. Appu then became confused because he expected hostility from the animal, but instead he found an unlikely suitor in match, which probably was considered an epic regression from even the tragic bride his mother chose for him back in India.

So the whole thing comically repeated for like, half a dozen times, with each time the cat becoming more and more aroused. If the cat could speak, it would have said “Oh yeessss come fuck me bebeh!!”. I almost barfed out my breakfast from the severe gagging. But eventually, Appu managed to drag the cat-in-heat out of the restaurant, with a choke hold rather than a pinch of skin. Not really a good way to treat a lover, but nevertheless entertaining, albeit in a pussy kind of way.

If you’re somewhat like Appu, scared of any four limbed animal bigger than the size of an apple, you should probably just contemplate to undergo a sex change operation at Thailand. Or, you can use the PCK maneuver.

1) P for Position with left foot (or right) next to the cat.
2) C for Cock back the other foot.
3) K for Kick, as hard as you can.

The result will be – a confused feline achieving flight at high velocity without the aid of wings or technology, out of the unwanted area, of course.

And I mistakenly thought people from India are tough or something, with the violent fighting and stunts in their action movies and whatnots…

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michaelooi  | what I saw  | 6 Comments
July 21, 2010

rib-eye

I was having my lunch with a bunch of workmates when a clueless dolt colleague (a male) asked me a silly question,

“Hey Michael, do you have any idea which part of the cow is the rib-eye?”

A cow has many parts with specific names and only 2 are known to me. ‘Edible’ and ‘inedible’. ‘Edible’ is like, the meat part, and ‘inedible’ is parts like hooves, horns, bones, etc. So obviously, it was a mistake to ask me because I don’t give a shit which part of the cow is rib-eye, sirloin or groin, as long as it is meat and it is edible. But I was trying to be creative with my reply, and shot him this,

“It’s the dark and wrinkled region between the cow’s penis and nutsack.”

Imagine that in Hokkien, with luncheow and lamphar. That was what I said.

It was meant to be a sarcastic reply but I totally forgot that my manager also brought a female guest and she was just sitting right beside that colleague (how could I miss her, escapes me), and she heard everything I said. *facepalms*

My colleague tried to discreetly alert me about her being right next to him and that was when I went ‘Oh shit!’, and braced myself for a potentially career threatening situation. Luckily, she took it well and let out a sporting laugh. But still, ‘PHEW!’. It could have been tragic if the female guest was an asshole and went to our HR to lodge a complain.

What a stupid boner. This wasn’t the first time I got into shit like that.

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michaelooi  | happenings  | 6 Comments