November 14, 2017

panic mode

I was driving cross state to a wedding dinner with a colleague, when my phone rang in the car. I have one of those bluetooth rig ups which I can speak through my car’s audio system totally handsfree. I answered the call, it was from my wife Emily.

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit dear! I forgot to bring out my key! What should I do? Shit shit shit”

She was out before I left the house, and she forgot her house keys. I was just beginning a 1.5 hours journey, it could be at least another 3 hours before I could get home. That was why she was in panic mode. When she’s in panic mode, the physics of this world will make no sense to her.

Me: “Relax dear. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. I guess there’s nothing I can do for you now, as I’m already on the highway. I can’t turn back. Can you just hang out at one of your friends’ till I get home?”

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit oh shit can I just break the locks with a hammer or something??”

Me: “Calm down. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. Don’t break the lock please. Just go to your friend’s house, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Maybe I can fashion a long stick to hook out my bag or maybe… maybe…” [+ some Wile E. Coyote ideas]

Me: “No that won’t work. Just calm down. I’ll be back by 11pm, I’ll try to bail the dinner earlier, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Ok ok” [hung up]

I turned to look at my colleague. He had a look of silent understanding while looking down at the car mat… most likely thinking “here’s a moment of silence for another of our fallen comrade…”. We never talked about what happened throughout the night.

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November 5, 2017

flood

There has been a spade of flash floods in Penang. A lot of people think it’s due to the global warming, weather change, act of God, etc.

But I have my own idea of why it happens. It’s due to urbanization (duh! but wait for it). I am not an expert in these kind of things but, it’s all common sense. It’s simple to illustrate, really. I’m going to write this in ‘Buku Nota Sains’ format to illustrate my point:

1) First, you need to get yourself a large plastic bag, then cut a hole about the size of 5 cents coin at the bottom. Pour a glass of water into the said plastic bag and observe. Water is going to leak out of the hole, right? Given enough time, water in bag should be gone just fine. (Yeah it should, otherwise your stupidity would have defied the laws of physics.) Just take note how long does it take to leak out all the water in the bag.

2) Then you pour 2 glasses of water into the same bag, simultaneously and observe. Water is still going to leak out of the hole, right? Note the rate of water leaking out of the bag, it should be identical to (1). You’ve just doubled the amount of water in the bag, but the rate for it to drain out is still the same. The amount of time it takes to drain out should be pretty much near double the time it takes in step (1).

3) Now, try with 4 glasses of water, then 8 glasses, and keep adding exponentially. You’ll realize that draining the water through that minuscule hole is no longer effective because the volume that goes in is way more than it comes out. Emptying the bag is not possible unless you stop pouring water into the goddamn bag, and allow the bag enough time to drain the water off.

4) The bag is your housing area. The hole is your drainage system of your housing area. The glasses of water, is the amount of rain water the earth failed to retain (from cutting of hills, deforestation, etc). If there’s development in an area over an existing set of old drainage system, then naturally, there will be more water to drain off. Then you multiply that to the number of projects that got erected in the area over the years… the amount of water for the old drains to handle will be tremendous, but is it too much to handle? (Note: I’m not talking about the drains at the new housing area, I’m talking about the main drains that all the areas converge at the lowest point of the area. See my point?).

So, there should be a calculated capacity as to how much water a city’s drainage system could handle, and when that capacity is exceeded, you get BAM! flood. Water do not have enough time to drain off, and it keeps coming in (rain). It’s all mathematical, really. I’m all for development, but I just hope the nincompoops who’s in engineering have an inkling of what to expect when the population increases at an exponential rate. Every big city has this problem, but do you have what it takes to resolve this? (we don’t just need bigger drains, but also a play of land elevation to smartly divert water flow). To date, we’re in a minus C grade.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
October 20, 2017

what the ladies do not know

My wife asked me this (this was some time back) one day, after some coffee talk with her bunch of female colleagues :

“If you get the chance to stay at home and be a full time house-husband, and I’d be the breadwinner of the family, would you do it?”

I reckoned that there must’ve been a wager of some sort between them, that men are full of ego, can’t live without status and staying at home is like a death sentence to their masculinity. Oh, how I wish I could tell them to their face how wrong they’ve been. But, I get to say this to my wife:

“Hell yeah! What a deal this is! I’d agree to it without a second thought!”

I could see some disappointment in her eyes with my answer. But it’s an honest answer. Seriously, if anyone could pay me to be at home and upkeep the family with just my pure labor, I’d sign up for it. It’s better than having an ego and make yourself toil out there with that bunch of simian assholes whom you’d call ‘co-workers’, and act like everything’s gonna be fine whilst you know your ass is up for a retrenchment in a matter of time. Every goddamn wage earner nowadays, dread of the time when there’s a change in management and his/her job is then on the line, wondering whether he/she is going to make it to the next paycheck without having to worry about having the means to sustain the current lifestyle.

And if you make an effort to improve your life like say, buying a new car or a piece of nice furniture, a little bit of you dies away with the grim thought of the consequence of this act if you were to fucking lose your job tomorrow. It’s a guilt that will never go away, and it’s gonna haunt you like your own shadow. Hence, the stress. Gone were the time when you can work for 30 – 40 fucking years without having to worry about a thing till your pubic hair goes grey. Everything is at warp speed and everything is temporary now. There’s simply not enough jobs for everyone, and the ovens that churn the cakes are shrinking in numbers due to modernization. The old farts are usually first to go, and the older you get, the more you are susceptible, and the harder for you to look for a job (who wants to hire an overpaid old fart?). Go figure.

I know being a stay-at-home parent isn’t easy (neither does earning wages out there). But at least you’re not competing with those suckasses who only suck dicks (and asses) for a living at home (you’d be the best, in fact), and you do not have to worry about job security. So hell yeah, I’d stay at home and not worry about those things. I think it’s a good deal.

(Some of my wife’s colleagues asked their spouse the same question – and they got the same answer).

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October 8, 2017

Prince of Wales Island IV

I recently saw some half past six posts about learning Hokkien to be used in Penang (Penang Hokkien has been gaining popularity lately). Not only those vocabs are not really accurate, people here hardly use those kind of words in Penang at all. To those of you who think that by reading a couple of those posts would make you street smart in Penang, well, you’re dead fucking wrong.

The good news is, I’ve written some vocabs in this blog here and I started it way before when these shit were cool (the last one was 12 years ago). I’m gonna add the 4th version here (and possibly continue on the legacy here in the blog)

“soi yau”
direct translation – ‘nasty fella’. Actually a Cantonese term, but in Penang, this is a Hokkien slang.
actual meaning – cops or law enforcement office.
eg: “Hiong kan! Soi Yau! Siu lui! siu lui!”
[translation: “Fuck! Cops! Keep the money! Keep the money!”]

“beh khi”
direct translation – ‘cannot go’. Like an answer to a ‘go or no go?’ question.
actual meaning – something lame or fails to live up to average expectation, similar usage to sucks.
eg: “Old Town eh wantan mee beh khi eh.”
[translation: “The wantan noodles at Old Town sucks”]

“cho gau gau”
direct translation – ‘make smart smart’. The repetition of smart here denotes the excessive necessity to be smart in the context.
actual meaning – the verb to describe a motherfucker trying to be a smart about something that is beyond his/her knowledge/expertise.
eg: “KL eh lang cho gau gau lai Penang boh gia GPS, choi bo hotel”
[translation: “People from KL who are trying to be smart by navigating Penang without a GPS, and couldn’t find the hotel”]

“chak kiau”
direct translation – ‘shuffle the cards’ or ‘intercept the hand’ (in gambling). In gambling, when you have a streak of sheer dumb luck wins, the Chinese believe it is a taboo to double ‘shuffle the cards’ or have an additional player introduced into the table, because it will fuck up the winning guy’s mojo – which is often what the casinos would do when one wins too much in a table.
actual meaning – to interfere and fuck up your shit (applies to everything, not just gambling).
eg: “Limpeh eh project ok eh, liau chi kiok phoobor kia lai chak kiau, hiong kan ka liau”
[translation: “My project was all fine, until this motherfucker came to interfere and ruin everything up”.

“tua ki”
direct translation – ‘big rod’ (an allusion to big dick).
actual meaning – deep shit or big trouble. This is probably originated from the popular ‘do not pick up the soap in prison’ notion. The big dick inside you when you pick up the soap = big trouble.
eg: “Ah Seng tiok tuaki liao. Ee eh boh eh friend kua tiok ee chua laukeh ki hotel”
[translation: “Ah Seng is in deep shit. His wife’s friend saw him brought an old prostitute to a hotel”

“sok”
direct translation – ‘to wound tight with a rope/string/band’.
actual meaning – to arrest or to be caught.
eg: “Hor soi yau sok”
[translation: “Got arrested by a cop”]

“cho bo lan”
direct translation – ‘did no dick’.
actual meaning – did something that is redundant or yielded no results or a complete waste of time.
eg: “Ha kiok pukimak gia anneh cheh lang cho anneh cheh minkia, cho bo lan”
[translation: “That motherfucker took so many headcounts did so many things, yet he yielded no results”]

“kangtau”
direction translation – ‘rim of the hole’. Probably an allusion to the labia of the vagina, often regarded as a boon to any situation.
actual meaning – something good going on, could be an opportunity, an event, or a desirable situation. Has a very wide usage.
eg1: “Ki KL cho hamik? KL boh kangtau eh lah!”
[translation: “Why go to KL? KL is boring!”]
eg2: [answering a phonecall] “Hamik kangtau?”
[translation: “What’s going on buddy?”]
eg3: “Ee kah ee eh tauke oo kangtau eh…”
[translation: “She’s having an affair with her boss…”]
eg4: “Wa kimmeh boh ciak pui. Wa tua phortay oo kangtau”
[translation: “I won’t be back for dinner. I have an appointment in the city”]

“pang pua liap”
direct translation – [in soccer betting] to allow a 1/2 goal handicap over the opponent team’s score. A draw would result a lost bet, a win of 1 goal over the opponents yields a win.
actual meaning – (applicable to only females) to gain an advantage (ironically, rather than a handicap) over any situation by dressing provocatively-cleavage-revealing top.
eg: “Ee pang pua liap tua office, hamik pun ok liao”
[translation: “She just needs to show her cleavage, everything will be all right again”]

Links from the past entries:
Prince of Wales Island
Prince of Wales Island II
Prince of Wales Island III

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
September 25, 2017

forgettable face

Have you ever met someone whose face is so common, that you won’t be able to remember his/her face no matter how hard you try? I have met one that is so severe, that I strongly believe it should be classified as a superpower. It is my neighbor’s daughter.

My neighbor’s said daughter, has a face so common, that I can’t remember how she looks like no matter how hard I try. I’ve seen her face to face a few times, when I was at the apartment porch buying some bread from the Indian bread peddler, but there’s totally no recollection of any detail about her face. All I know is, she’s a teenager, about 16 or 17 of age, skinny as fuck. She probably can’t even use her face to unlock an iPhone X at all because Siri won’t have any fucking idea who she is.

It’s not that she’s ugly, because if that’s the case, it’ll be easy to remember her (let’s not even talk about being pretty). She’s just looking too commonly common. At first, I thought it was just me, so I kept this observation to only myself. Then one day, while talking to my wife about this neighbor, I had to find out if I’m alone in this…

“Hey, you know that *Cat’s Testicles’ daughter?”

*A given moniker by yours truly as I couldn’t properly pronounce my neighbor’s name in Mandarin – only to find it sound phonetically similar to ‘Cat’s Testicles’ in Cantonese.

“What about her daughter?”

“You noticed that she has such a forgettable face? I’ve seen her many times, but I still do not know how she looks like”

“Yeah, now that you mention it, I do not know how she looks like!”

Fucking cat balls. That was how I found out that I’m not nuts. She’s like, a boogeyman (or a boogeybroad), who walks amongst the shadows, undetected. Hell, even if you see her face to face, your memory won’t be able to hold much information about her features – except, maybe the shape of her head, or her hairstyle. Hell, I don’t even remember how her hair looks like! When you try to remember her, your brain will give an uncorrectable error. Blue screen of death, and out pops a monochrome dinosaur telling you that this is a bad load. Think about the implications, guys. She’s like the Fifth Element in reality. Think about how much damage if Cat’s Testical’s daughter were to fall into the wrong hands. She’d be an asset in the world of espionage…

Cat’s Testicles’ daughter, ladies and gentlemen.

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