Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

November 24, 2010

we deserve it

Company Y is a big company. I only work in one of its small divisions, which is located in a separate building from the main plant. Now this main plant, is a huge motherfucking building. Consists of all kinds of people. Most of them engineers, being a technology company and all.

For some strange fucking reasons, the division that I worked for, is like an unwanted bastard child. The people from the main plant would look down upon us. If we were to send them emails, it will be treated with the lowest priority, if not with contempt. They talk to us derisively and often with a heightened tone. It’s like, we’re dealing with a whole separate apartheid system in there.

At first, I was damn pissed off for having to deal with this kind of shit. You know, it’s not my idea of fun when you have to deal with people like them almost every goddamn day. But then, I kinda discovered something about them that made me all cool about having this ‘bastard child’ identity.

You see, I went into their office for the first time about 2 days ago for an important meeting, and I discovered something about these ‘people from the main plant’. Their cubicle is only 1/3 of mine. That’s right, only 2 feet max. They cram about 5 engineers into a small cube, of what would have been the size for only (less than) 2 in my office (actually, we have individual cubes). I mean, there isn’t even enough space for me to whip out my dick. If I stretch my arms in there, I probably would knock over a few monitors and cause injury. And that was when my pang of conscience overwhelms me, and I went – “My god, these poor fuckers… no wonder they’re so stucked up in the ass!”. And not only that, I also kinda discovered that their wage is at least 30% lower on average than our’s. That’s like, being a midget having a short dick with erectile dysfunction.

The world looked so much brighter to me from then on. Looks like being a bastard child isn’t that bad after all…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
October 5, 2010

work bitch

Ask me anytime, what I hate most about being an engineer – it has to be working with women. I don’t know if this is just me, but it doesn’t really matter. Notwithstanding the fact that some of them have nice rack and body to ogle at, I just hate working with them.

Why do I hate working with them? It is because most of them are bitches. I find that they don’t seem to be able to think objectively to get things done. It has to be added with emo and feelings and whatnots, so that it is more difficult for the guys. And if they happen to have an opinion, they are often hellbent on getting things done their way, and no one is allowed to change that. If anyone comes along to change or counter the solidly formed opinion of that woman’s, then she shall register the culprit (and everyone involved in the rebellion) into her limited arithmetic logic unit lodged deep inside her brain – that only holds 2 registries – the registry of things to buy for herself, and an offenders’ list (which functions pretty much like a sex offenders’ list, except this is about personal grudge). And if you’re unlucky enough to end up in that list, you’re forever fucked.

Sometimes, you don’t even have to do anything to end up in that list. They can add you inside the list arbitrarily, without needing a reason. And that’s especially painful if you have to depend on that stupid cheebye bitch to get your job done. I have had that Abu Ghraib experience fuckloads of times. I can safely say, out of 10 women, at least 7 of them are like that. The majority is far too great to be ignored, that’s why I firmly believe that this has to be a gender thing (hey I might be wrong but, what the fuck). Maybe it is something that they have (that we guys don’t) that makes them all cranky like that, maybe it’s their uterus that is affecting the way they think, like a hardware electro-magnetic signal jammer or something. This sort of also explains why it gets progressively worse as they get older, you know. After they have worn out the usefulness of their uterus to procreate, the pair of tentacles sort of became an oversized appendixes waiting to catch an infection, that’s when things start to putrefy really bad inside and make them go really off in the head.

In Company Y (my new workplace), I have seen at least a dozen of such unmentionables. One of them is a screamer, i.e. the worst kind. She gets her job done by screaming. She’d scream every time she picks up her phone, like someone crushed her clitoris on a door jamb. So if one is unlucky enough to be located near her, that person would experience the perils of having a psychotic stepmother minus the physical abuse. I can’t help but wonder, what makes her think that screaming at your peers is ok. Doesn’t she know that it’s fucking deplorable? Thank god I do not have to deal with that abomination because we’re of different line altogether… but this could very well change in the future. *wipe sweat*. So guys, you better take care of yourselves.

I am counting my days to retirement.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments
April 27, 2010

publicity whores

Ever heard of Earth Day? It happened a few days ago. If you haven’t heard of it before, well, it is a day where everyone gets the chance to act out the tree hugger side of themselves. During that one day, people would crawl out from whatever shithole that they have been dwelling in, and overtly recycle their stuff – just to show that they care for the environment.

That was what some of the managers in Company X did anyway. Wanting to be seen that they care. Publicity whores, I call them. I couldn’t have cared any less for this Earth Day, so I didn’t do anything at all. But what pissed me off was, the way these publicity whores acted all smug about what they did on that day. They’d look real busy, you know, doing hard labor packing up shitloads of paper and boxes to be recycled. Just like how they did the orange distribution work during Chinese New Year. I have about a couple of open issues which needed some managerial intervention for about a few months already, but that still hasn’t happened yet. These managers however, would provide more than enough ‘managerial intervention’ for that stupid Earth Day just like that. Publicity whores.

These bunch of jerk-offs, if they hadn’t used that fucking much of a paper, then they wouldn’t have so much paper to recycle in the first place. Everyone has an email account in Company X, and an instant messenger account as well. We have company issued USB flash drives, and also communal digital projectors in every single meeting room. There’s no reason to use a single sheet of paper in Company X at all. I haven’t printed anything for years in Company X (yes, believe it man). So doesn’t that make me better off than them? But not in their eyes. If I don’t recycle, then I must be fucked up. But why do I need to recycle if I don’t use paper? To their logic, recycling is synonymous to being environmentally conscious. Hell, can you imagine, what is left for them to do if they don’t have enough paper to recycle and show that they care? That’s why, they must first waste paper, and then recycle. Booyah!

I’ve seen this myself (blatant waste of paper) – there was once my team was required to attend a compulsory 15 minutes training consisted of 2 modules conducted by an environmental officer (the same spastic guy I wrote about here and here). There were only 3 of us. Guess what did the fucker use to mark our attendance? 2 sheets of A4 paper. 1 A4 paper for each training module. Just to mark the attendance for 3 pax. I was like, WTF?? When I asked him why can’t he just use a spreadsheet inside his notebook to track our attendance (yes, he brought his notebook for the training), he said it was their common practice to mark attendances with pen/paper. *facepalm*

Anyway, that is the deal with people like them. They do things everyday that is not congruent with the environment at all. In fact, they could very well be the main cause of the whole environmental decadence shebang. We’d definitely be better off without them. You know, they never carpool, they drive SUVs to work alone, they read real newspapers, print unnecessarily, etc. One of the lady managers had about 2 carts full of paper (and newspapers), and I saw her smugly pushing her carts out and basking in the publicity that she recycles. So the whole office was like, looking at these self indulgent individuals pushing carts after carts of their stash, making them feel important in process.

Publicity whores, not environmentally conscious people.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 15 Comments
March 18, 2010


This incident happened many years ago when I was a Quality Assurance technician working in a PC notebook manufacturing line. (this post could be too technical to some…)

I don’t quite remember what I was involved in, but the situation kind of called for my attention at the assembly station. There were many rejects coming from the assembly station, most of them related to the fragile LCD flex cable connection. Some were damaged, and some had unflushed insertion.

So I stood there to make some observations. It was then I noticed that the assemblers (all of them were young female operators) weren’t given a fixture to provide a stable platform for the LCD cable assembly. As a result of that, each of the builders had to resort to their own method of finding an effective way to assemble the LCD module.

Then I noticed one lady – called ‘Rose’ – who stood out from the rest, who managed to devise the most effective and productive method of them all. What she did was, she let the LCD panel lean 45 degrees on herself. That way, she could free both her hands, and use them to effectively insert the LCD cable to the back of the LCD (the rest were using 1 hand to hold the LCD, and another hand to assemble the cable). Rose’s method was faster, more stable and very efficient.

So I asked her partner, Sue, to adopt Rose’s method to assemble the LCD. After some tutorial, Sue started to assemble her stuff with Rose’s method. But instead of making her more productive and efficient, it made her even slower, and even damaged some of the parts. That was because the LCD she was assembling kept falling flat on the table. At first I couldn’t understand why it didn’t work on Sue. But after much more observation, I finally figured out the problem, and started to laugh like a shitfuck.

Rose had bigger tits, and Sue was flat-chested.

Now how’s that possible? Because of the distance of the stool from the bench, versus the fixed assembly tray, the size of their tits kind of played an important role to decide whether they’re able to support an LCD with their chest. In the case of Sue, she didn’t have what it takes to support the LCD, and the LCD would slip right off her flat chest.

“Eh, apa you gelak-gelak aa??”

“You punya equipment out-of-spec… HAHAHAHHH!”

That goes on to prove that sometimes, bigger tits have its advantage in the technical aspect too. They’re not solely for cosmetic.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 12 Comments
January 25, 2010


I was at my cube working when I had the sudden urge to defecate. You know, the kind that comes out without warning and full of fart. I didn’t want to wait until it gets out of control so, I quickly rushed to the nearby toilet – in hope that the condition does not develop into a full scale diarrhea. (it was quite a distance from my cube to the toilet).

But before I could even reach the toilet, I was blocked by this fucking dumbass manager who wanted to have an impromptu discussion with me. You see, there is this one thing I absolutely abhor about the managers in Company X – is that they have the tendency to stop you in the middle of a corridor and engage you for a discussion. They never call your desk phone when you’re at your desk, or when you’re in the same meeting with them. They always do it at the corridor. I don’t know what the fuck’s with that.

That was exactly what’s happening that day, and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I wanted to go to shit very badly. But I couldn’t escape, because the manager is an important person, and he was asking me something even more important. I realized that I couldn’t just wave that fucker off so, I decided to play along nice, and held on my urge while fending off the manager’s stab at my knowledge. It took him about a whole minute – which felt almost like forever – before I could resume my rush to the toilet to shit. I swear, if I were to be held any longer, I would have farted right in front of him or worse, soil my underwear. That would have been catastrophic.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s going to help if we can have a special express lane in the office dedicated to the people who do not want to be disturbed. Or perhaps a ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ pass in bright yellow around the neck that gives absolute immunity from any form of disturbances to the wearer. Those who violate the rule, shall be made to wash all the cars in the parking lot, or made to empty those bloody pad bins inside the Ladies for a work Quarter. That’s definitely going to perk up the productivity a little.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments