Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

March 12, 2012

division ‘unwanted bastard child’

*this is a long rant, you can choose not to read it*

Not long ago, I wrote about ‘the people from the main plant’, you know, the bunch of conceited but underpaid shit-stains who think they’re awesome because they have a bigger organization. Recently, there is this manager who just joined this group at the main plant, let’s call him Gaylord for the fun of it. Gaylord, being somewhat gay looking and wimpy, joined at the wrong time, for his main customer was at its raging peak stirring up fuckloads of shit about the quality of Company Y’s products.

That explains why this Gaylord was tasked with the seemingly gargantuan task of drafting a strategy plan of what he’s gonna fucking do to keep his job relevant (that’s what managers do). Now, Company Y at my division (division ‘unwanted bastard child’), is a completely different segment and Gaylord has no authority over what happens here at our place. That is why 1 week ago, he called for a meeting with our team to plead for help. He wanted us to draft a similar strategy plan, like theirs – which he’d need to park into his deck of presentation that would serve the one and only purpose – that is to bullshit his ass through this shitstorm.

Now, the most fucked up thing about this whole dirty business is, I was the one who’s got to do it for Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. The Engineer. Who is given no power of whatsoever to make any changes. Hell, my manager couldn’t even get me an engineer, which I requested 8 months ago. I was already juggling the duty of 5 engineers at the moment, barely has enough time to eat, and these dickwads want me to draft a strategy plan for the company?? This should be my boss’ job!

Pissed off, I did what I think was pragmatic, given my predicament – I took a deck of slides from the admin (which details something irrelevant), and dumptrucked the whole thing to Gaylord, carbon copied all the useless managers in Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. One of the program manager got fuming mad (because the presentation was his stuff), and protested with some single digit IQ remarks in shittier than elementary English, which I ignored. My boss – FuckChicken – on the other hand, felt a sting up his self inflated pride and made an effort to put up an additional slide to control the damage, which comprises of only 3 sentences in large fonts (that made no sense) on Friday. (I think that slide actually made things worse… he could have sent out a picture of himself naked sucking a cactus, it wouldn’t have been that bad…)

Today, FuckChicken summoned me into his office and he gloated over the fact the he ‘had to’ work hard to come out with a ‘STRATEGY PLAN FOR ME’ (again, the slide with 3 short sentences with wrong syntax) and reproached me for not being able to ‘carry out my duty’. I was very close to grab his throat and pummel his face into the back of his skull, but I remained calm and composed throughout – slowly plotting a plan to leave this fucked up organization. Division ‘unwanted bastard child’. Psssshhhh.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
January 6, 2012

tough luck bitch ass motherfucking life

Remember this guy? Well, he is now my direct boss in my current workplace. Small world, I know. But what can I do, karma has this tendency to fuck with you in the strangest of ways. I’d take it that intelligent people don’t get a lot of luck, taken at the ‘intelligent’ part.

Been having a lot of conflict lately with this guy, whom I’d refer from now on as – FuckChicken. In my recent work performance review, FuckChicken gave me an awesome rating, which I kind of expected considering the fact that I was the only one running 7 projects for him, while his incompetent ass was struggling to hire enough engineers to cover the scope. But there was this one little mistake he did in my review. He put in my record that I was ‘too emo’, and that set me off.

Let me explain why. You see, being a Quality guy in an organization is not an easy thing. You have to be nasty and tough, because the position is a counter-cost position (i.e. it costs more to have Quality). That means, everyone won’t like you, if you’re the Quality guy. I have been in the business for years, and I am inured to it. That’s why, the Ops guys do not like me. That’s because I execute my duties well, and the Ops guy had a tough time dealing with me (I am awesome). I am crazy, yes. I am an asshole, yes I am. I am unpredictable and psychotic, no shit yes. But I am NEVER EMO.

But then, this invertebrate chicken shit boss of mine, seem to have this balless trait that people like to exploit. He’s too soft for a Quality guy, and people used his soft part to make him cum in his vagina. That’s why he called me ‘emo’, and that I wasn’t being diplomatic enough. Well then, there’s this thick distinction between doing my job and being diplomatic, leh mah cheebye I tell you. You can never have both at the same time. FuckChicken is so fucking lame that he personally sent me emails a couple of times to stop me from executing people, and took over to suck some asswipe’s dick. I have never seen a manager stoop so low to suck dick. I couldn’t help but felt ashamed for being in the same department as him.

That’s why I had to confront him, and personally told him that he should really man the fuck up and grow some balls to do his job (particularly a badass manager who has been making FuckChicken his bitch). He didn’t take it well, and has been taking out on me by asking me to call more meetings (can you believe this guy??).

God I do not know how long I could last with this guy at the helm. I could have been a waayy better manager than he could ever be in a few lifetimes. Fuck me.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
October 4, 2011

emo and shit

I have this nubile Indon girl working as a Quality Inspector under me, whose daily job – apart from checking for product defects – includes auditing the workplace for petty non-compliances like discipline problems, etc. One of the things included is, not tying one’s long hair up.

So far, she did quite a job catching many workplace operators violating this. But there’s one dumb thing that she always do while performing her audit – she let her long hair hang down herself. That was like, a drunken policeman catching drunk drivers. This of course, rankled some of the operators who felt it was a case of pot calling the kettle black. Recently, things got quite serious when one fat housewife operator decided to threaten her for being such a bitch. She got upset about it and I decided to give her a talk…

[translated from Malay/Indon language]

“Why didn’t you tie your hair up like the rest of the people here?”

“I don’t think it’s necessary, because mine isn’t too long”

It’s a fucking lie. Her hair’s long. In her early 20’s, I reckoned that it must be of grave importance for her to look every bit good, and that’s why she had to let her hair down. She is of ripe age to look for a mate. And from the way I observed about her, she wants to get some lead poisoning in her cooter by those Filipino technicians who handle non-RoHS soldering work everyday. Either that or she’s just plain stupid.

“You see that tomboy’s hair? Now THAT’s short. Yours isn’t short.” [pointed at a nearby tomboy’s hairstyle, tomboy smiled back]

“… … …” [silence]

“If you do not want to tie your hair, you need to cut your hair like that tomboy. It will still look good on you.”

“No I don’t want to.”

“Or maybe you can wear a headscarf (tudung), like the Malay girls around here. You won’t have to worry about tying anything.”

“No I don’t want to. It’s boring!” [disgusted]

“Boring? You can add some racing stickers on your headscarf, it won’t be boring lor! I don’t care, and nobody cares!”

I was about to even propose her to tailor-make a tudung with some Angry Birds patterned fabrics (to make it exciting and shit), but she was obviously too upset to continue with the conversation… so I left her alone.

Girls and their fucking emo. I guess I just had a taste of what I have to deal with when my daughter grows up. It’s going to be hell of a ride, I’m sure.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 2 Comments
November 24, 2010

we deserve it

Company Y is a big company. I only work in one of its small divisions, which is located in a separate building from the main plant. Now this main plant, is a huge motherfucking building. Consists of all kinds of people. Most of them engineers, being a technology company and all.

For some strange fucking reasons, the division that I worked for, is like an unwanted bastard child. The people from the main plant would look down upon us. If we were to send them emails, it will be treated with the lowest priority, if not with contempt. They talk to us derisively and often with a heightened tone. It’s like, we’re dealing with a whole separate apartheid system in there.

At first, I was damn pissed off for having to deal with this kind of shit. You know, it’s not my idea of fun when you have to deal with people like them almost every goddamn day. But then, I kinda discovered something about them that made me all cool about having this ‘bastard child’ identity.

You see, I went into their office for the first time about 2 days ago for an important meeting, and I discovered something about these ‘people from the main plant’. Their cubicle is only 1/3 of mine. That’s right, only 2 feet max. They cram about 5 engineers into a small cube, of what would have been the size for only (less than) 2 in my office (actually, we have individual cubes). I mean, there isn’t even enough space for me to whip out my dick. If I stretch my arms in there, I probably would knock over a few monitors and cause injury. And that was when my pang of conscience overwhelms me, and I went – “My god, these poor fuckers… no wonder they’re so stucked up in the ass!”. And not only that, I also kinda discovered that their wage is at least 30% lower on average than our’s. That’s like, being a midget having a short dick with erectile dysfunction.

The world looked so much brighter to me from then on. Looks like being a bastard child isn’t that bad after all…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
October 5, 2010

work bitch

Ask me anytime, what I hate most about being an engineer – it has to be working with women. I don’t know if this is just me, but it doesn’t really matter. Notwithstanding the fact that some of them have nice rack and body to ogle at, I just hate working with them.

Why do I hate working with them? It is because most of them are bitches. I find that they don’t seem to be able to think objectively to get things done. It has to be added with emo and feelings and whatnots, so that it is more difficult for the guys. And if they happen to have an opinion, they are often hellbent on getting things done their way, and no one is allowed to change that. If anyone comes along to change or counter the solidly formed opinion of that woman’s, then she shall register the culprit (and everyone involved in the rebellion) into her limited arithmetic logic unit lodged deep inside her brain – that only holds 2 registries – the registry of things to buy for herself, and an offenders’ list (which functions pretty much like a sex offenders’ list, except this is about personal grudge). And if you’re unlucky enough to end up in that list, you’re forever fucked.

Sometimes, you don’t even have to do anything to end up in that list. They can add you inside the list arbitrarily, without needing a reason. And that’s especially painful if you have to depend on that stupid cheebye bitch to get your job done. I have had that Abu Ghraib experience fuckloads of times. I can safely say, out of 10 women, at least 7 of them are like that. The majority is far too great to be ignored, that’s why I firmly believe that this has to be a gender thing (hey I might be wrong but, what the fuck). Maybe it is something that they have (that we guys don’t) that makes them all cranky like that, maybe it’s their uterus that is affecting the way they think, like a hardware electro-magnetic signal jammer or something. This sort of also explains why it gets progressively worse as they get older, you know. After they have worn out the usefulness of their uterus to procreate, the pair of tentacles sort of became an oversized appendixes waiting to catch an infection, that’s when things start to putrefy really bad inside and make them go really off in the head.

In Company Y (my new workplace), I have seen at least a dozen of such unmentionables. One of them is a screamer, i.e. the worst kind. She gets her job done by screaming. She’d scream every time she picks up her phone, like someone crushed her clitoris on a door jamb. So if one is unlucky enough to be located near her, that person would experience the perils of having a psychotic stepmother minus the physical abuse. I can’t help but wonder, what makes her think that screaming at your peers is ok. Doesn’t she know that it’s fucking deplorable? Thank god I do not have to deal with that abomination because we’re of different line altogether… but this could very well change in the future. *wipe sweat*. So guys, you better take care of yourselves.

I am counting my days to retirement.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments