How many executives does it take to change a lightbulb? For Company X, approximately 28. At least that was the case a few weeks ago.

Let’s do some analogy here, to make the explanation easier. Just imagine Company X produces rooms, each with a lightbulb. A few weeks ago, a checking station discovered a batch of rooms’ lightbulbs not working. They’re all dead. And here’s the chronology of events that followed (unlike many you’ve read across the internet, this is an actual event that happened at my workplace…)

1.) The manager of that checking station sends a technician to check on the bulbs [manager plus technician - 2 heads]

2.) The technician suspects bulb problem, replaces the bulbs and summons the bulb quality engineer over to investigate on the allegedly defective bulbs. [bulb quality engineer - 1 head]

3.) Bulb quality engineer knows no shit about no motherfucking bulbs because he has been only a coordinator most of the time, so he summons for the bulb supplier to take a look. [bulb supplier - 1 head]

4.) Bulb supplier verifies the allegedly defective bulbs, declares that they’re all functional and aren’t defective, and subsequently have them sent back to the checking station manager. But the bulbs still won’t light up when fitted back to the rooms. Checking station manager panics and calls for an emergency meeting with 2 quality managers, 1 product engineering technician and a few other strangers [quality managers + product engineering tech + strangers = 4 -5 heads]

5.) Before the meeting, one of the quality managers invites a good looking technical investigator to the meeting to provide the necessary assistance. [technical investigator - 1 head]

6.) In the meeting, technical investigator takes a brief look at the case, and points out that the problem lies in the pull switch wiring, which is grossly out of specs, and even provides an official report of his findings. Once he gets the findings report, checking station manager calls for another meeting to discuss the next course of action, which involves another product engineering engineer + manager, switch quality engineer, and another quality manager [engineering engineer/manager, quality manager/engineer - 4 heads]

7.) In the meeting, the team calls for actions to check on the wiring specs of the switch, mechanical specs of the bulb and somebody to check with other manufacturing regions if they’re aware of such failures. The actions would involve another 2 quality engineers to liaise with their foreign counterparts [2 quality engineers and their respective counterparts - 4 heads]

8.) One of the engineers got the specs and determine that indeed the switch wiring is not compliant. About the same time, a nincompoop engineer comes up with a rather preposterous finding that the problem was due to a defective driver chip that controls the intensity of the bulb… whereas, a bulb runs on electricity and doesn’t depend on any electronics (a case of blunder and a good laugh). [nincompoop engineer - 1 hollow head]

9.) Just when the issue is about to be solved, somehow, out of sheer confusion and miscommunication, the team in the second meeting decides to instead change all the bulbs to another brand, which the team alleged (based on gut feel) is due to the non-conforming mechanical specs of the lightbulbs. A test run is then conducted by a team of production control folks. [number of heads of production control undetermined but estimated not less than 4 - assume 4 heads]

10.) Room fails to light up again with the alternative brand bulbs. Checking station manager, with the quality manager(s), escalate issue to world wide attention, and calling for solutions. More meetings follow… and I lost track of the heads since then…[another few heads got privy of the issue before I stopped tracking - not less than 4 heads.]

And the rooms are still dark today… what the fuck. This is called red tapes, bureaucracy and corporate idiocy. If you have yet to see such things, don’t worry, you’ll probably see it very soon… (higher chance if you’re employed in an MNC, of course…)

Oh, by the way, that good looking and smart technical investigator who nailed the issue with only one look, wasn’t me. Really.

A group of engineers led by a couple of foreigners came barging into my lab today looking for a computer notebook. The duo – one a white guy who has an uncanny resemblance to Kevin Spacey and the other a middle aged Mexican – are supposed to be somekind of ‘important experts’ from the States, you see… here to support the newly launched notebook model in Company X. They herded the group into the lab with a deep sense of urgency without saying a word to anyone and straight away congregated in front of my bench, totally disregarding my presence (I was reading some comics). Then one of them pointed out to some of my computer parts and started to bullshit to the group…

“This is it. It was dismantled by bla bla bla and we’re suppose to bla bla bla [insert a bunch of nonsensical corporate jargons]”

Now, this may sound perfectly normal for someone who doesn’t know what’s going on here. The thing is, the specimen that they’re looking at was a completely different product and was TOTALLY NOT what they’re looking for. The 2 of them were obviously making a big boner and didn’t even know about it. The ironic sense of the whole thing was, they are suppose to be the ‘experts’ for the project, and they are here to make things easier and shit. But how come they couldn’t even recognize the product that they’re suppose to know well like the back of their hands? Making an unforgiving mistake like this is akin to having a gynecologist recognizing your pubic hair as the fallopian tube… A bunch of fucking posers and douchebags, that’s what they are.

I intended to counter their rudeness and arrogance by hollering at them, but decided to play nice in the end, after weighting in the troubles I probably would get for doing that… so I politely asked Mister Kevin Spacey and George fucking Lopez this instead –

“May I help you, gentlemen?”

One of them replied, in a faked courtesy,
“Oh, I’m sorry. We’re here to look at the recent issue of [insert nonsensical description of some shit only he knows]”

“Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you can look for your stuff at the trolley over there [points]. Somebody left them there a couple days ago. The thing you’re looking here is mine, and a totally different product.”

Oops. Embarassed, the 2 douchebags then went over to the trolley to get their stuff and left the lab not long after that. I reckon that if they’re ostriches, they would have buried their hollow heads into a hole somewhere. But sadly, they aren’t. Instead, they are real people claiming themselves to be ‘managers’ that are revered by many and are extremely overpaid in wages for their ‘not so technical’ expertise. Hell. From what I see, it seems more like they’re being paid to be pricks than anything else… part of the inexplicable things that happen in the corporate world… (maybe that’s what it takes to be successful – acting like pricks and being stupid…)

My new-boss came to me yesterday and asked me a question,

New boss: “So Michael, do you have the projected spending for this coming new quarter?”

“Yeah”, I thought. I’m gonna need a bigger car that guzzles less fuel. And perhaps a new pad to go with it. A petrol subsidy from the company would be nice. And I also would like a personal masseur in the lab to give me a backrub when I need it (a hot girl please).

Ridiculous as it may sound, the outcome is still the fucking same – the sore miser director (boss’ boss) is not going to fucking approve anything we request anyway. We wanted to buy a few cheap cabinets to store our shits a few months back but, we got rejected flat. They were only 65 bucks a piece. That should be nothing for a 50 billion dollar multinational company. But still, the management decided that we should save that mere few hundred bucks and piss some engineers off. That question about projected spending, was probably just a half assed effort of a ‘feel good’ question to keep us in check (oh I’m gonna ask him anyway it makes me feel good). I might as well give it a pass to make myself look more prudent…

Me: “Not that I can think of at the moment. We don’t need any major upgrades. In fact, we have bigger things to worry about now. Like batteries for my meters. I requested a few batteries a couple months back for my dying meters, and I still haven’t got them. I was about to ask for your permission to get the damn batteries off shelf, and file for a claim.”

File for a claim. A claim that literally takes weeks to reimburse. Fucking ridiculous, isn’t it? They can’t even fucking get me my batteries, let alone to upgrade our equipments? And this is only part of it, a few months back, the doctor smacked his forehead when he saw me in the clinic – the guy told me that Company X had defaulted the medical payment for its staff for 6 months. Just yesterday, I even got chased by a local vendor for a bad debt. Many more horrid tales. I wonder what next. Getting beaten up by apeshit doctors for not paying? Loan sharks giving my car a red paint job? Mahai.

Sometimes, I wonder if these people are taking the word ‘cost saving’ a little bit too far. I’m so fucking pissed and demotivated right now. I could use a little backrub and a cream bun.

Mojo Jojo lumbered into the lab today and announced overtly that he had tendered his resignation. The news garnered very little reaction from the team, until I asked him about it…

“So, Mojo Jojo… when is your last day here?”

He suddenly lit up like a dog hearing its owner’s whistle. He would have wagged his tail if he had one.

“I will be here until end of July”, he said… rather smugly.

“What the fuck?? End of July?? Why so long??”

He immediately stopped wagging his virtual tail and sulked as if he had learned that his owner is about to spay/neuter his ass…

“Hey, what do you mean by ‘why so long’? Am I really that detestable to you?”

“Yeah. Haven’t you figure that out already?”

“Man, I told the boss that you’ve been my best mentor… looks like I’ve made a mistake…”

“Yes you apparently have.”

“I understand that all the scoldings you gave me were for my own good, but…”

“So, you want some scoldings now? It’s for your own good… Just say it man. Just say it.”

He didn’t stay to say another word, but skedaddled into his shithole to get out of my view.

Call me cruel but, I see his departure as a bliss. Getting rid of him is the best thing that can ever happen to our workgroup. For the team, it means less humiliating episode on the world stage. For me, it means less moronic boner trails to clean up. It’s a good thing. But perhaps the best thing of all, is this guy chose to end this by his own will, saving himself some grace and respect. It would have been ugly if he were to be terminated by the company. Not bad for someone with the intelligence of a toolbox.

Our work group was recently criticized by a visiting gweilo VIP, that our lab looked like a pig sty more than a proper workplace. The boss wanted us to do something about it.

Because I am the most awesome amongst the lot, I was put in charge to overlook the image expiation effort by the boss. Without delay, I managed to get the whole 5s shebang started last Friday with a kickoff brainstorming event and got some actions logged. By Monday, everything started to look really splendid, except for our subsidiary smaller lab under Mojo Jojo’s charge… who was absent during our first pig sty rehabilitation day. Yesterday morning, I gave him a lengthy briefing to get that simian delinquent up to pace with all the new ground rules and whatnots, and he started to work on it right away.

But came afternoon, I saw Mojo Jojo loitering around the lab doing idle chats and scratching his balls… and before long, he ambled over to tell me something…

Mojo Jojo: “Michael, my boss wants me to stop all the lab cleaning chores you asked me to do and ordered me to clear off my outstanding work first… So, I’ll have to delay the chores for a later time”

Me: “Whatever. Just remember to do it once you’re free of your obligations.”

Mojo Jojo: “I sure will, but it may be some time before that happens though… I’ve got lots of stuff to do”

Me: “No shit sherlock, I can see that you’re so busy loafing and chatting around. Just like what you’re doing now, you could have used the time to do some real work instead of talking to me…”

Mojo Jojo: “Oh man, I was just being nice… by talking to you”

Me: “Well, maybe you don’t know this but, I actually don’t really fancy talking to you… so why don’t you save the effort, shut the fuck up and go do some work instead?”

Mojo Jojo: “Alright, alright… you don’t have to be so mean…”

You know, it’s ironic how some people keep whining about their sorry state of being overworked, underachieved, bla bla blaa… while they could have, in fact, make full use of the time they waste dicking around doing redundant stuff…

Last I checked post 24 hours later, Mojo Jojo was still surfing some news site and his area was pretty much left untouched. What a hopeless piece of fucking shit.