Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

June 11, 2012

Company T

So I have left Company Y, and joined a new workplace which I’d call – Company T – from now on. It’s a much bigger MNC, with much more people. It’s a lateral move for me, which means, not much is gained from this move. But then, from my crude assessment, Company T would give me a much better prospect than that Company Y shithole. That’s why I made the call to jump on (but then like, most place would be better than Company Y, really)

But what’s different this time is that I’m departing off my career path to accept this job. It’s like, a totally different ballgame for me. Imagine a porn actor who suddenly switches to become a pimp? Yes, it is that different. Almost all my past experiences might be nulled for this job. That’s why I’m getting a bit nervous about this job.

Anyway, apart from that, the move is a big culture shock for me as well. Company T, being a massive corporation, is very anal about its employees being role models. The day that I joined, the manager kept reminding me (like it is the utmost important thing ever, more important than showing up at work…) not to violate any traffic rules in the company compound/carpark – which if I do, will prompt a series of stern disciplinary actions which I suspect involve him getting a colonoscopy treatment with a coconut grinder shaft and a job termination for me.

So I took note of that, and noticed that it is quite dire as my manager has projected. Everyone in Company T seems to live by that rule – be a fucking role model or lose your job! It’s like an utopia of traffic in Company T! You know, cars stopping for pedestrians, everyone driving at a pace so safe, that a dog might outrun any motorized vehicle… But alas, this is confined only to Company T compound. Once you get off the very border of Company T, you’d see the employees start to floor the accelerator, weave around the traffic like a madman and start to shove here/there. The role model values end at the security guard gate.

I was thinking, how to make them extend beyond the gate? Then it struck me… maybe the government should change the traffic demerit system by linking it to our workplace? That is, anyone who violates the traffic rules ANYWHERE in this country, will get a severe disciplinary action at work and get a blemish in his/her record (example: Caught speeding at the highway? Get a warning letter at work). That way, people will think twice whenever they’re about to show the assholic side of themselves behind the wheels. If it works in Company T compound, it’ll surely work anywhere.

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May 28, 2012

farewell emails

There has been a spate of resignations in Company Y (my ex-company) lately. From my gross estimate, it goes at the rate of 2 – 3 employees leaving each month. That’s why for the last few months before I left, I get to read a lot of ‘farewell emails’ from many colleagues.

One thing that I notice about these ‘farewell emails’ – Leaving employees seem to like to make it sound like it is a suicide note, or their last day on Earth. It usually starts with a gloom announcement that it is their last day in the workplace, and a short description of how wonderful it has been to be in the Company (which we all know is a fucking lie), then a dedicated note asking for forgiveness for any misdeeds the person has unintentionally done and end it with a wish that the company would do well.

In my opinion, the whole thing is just plain wrong. That’s no way to write a ‘farewell email’… First of all, it would be a travesty to extol or sing praises to something without meaning it (if you really mean it, then it’s fine). But the people who left Company Y did it because it is a shitty company with shitty management, everyone knows it. Singing praises in the farewell email would then paint an impression that the person’s a crooked person. And then, there’s the fucked up thing about asking for forgiveness. It gives people an impression that – being a professional – you do not know a single shit you’re doing, that’s why you asked for a blanket forgiveness for EVERYTHING you’ve ever done. If that isn’t fucked up, then what is? I do things only when I have given a thorough thought about it, and never regret it later only when I fucking leave the company. I stand by my actions and if you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

To me, a ‘farewell email’ should be strictly professional and straight to the point. The email must be value added and people would benefit from reading it. I don’t write shits for the sake of writing it. I’d leave the emo part out, and if one must do it anyway, you can do the hugging, grab ass and pity fuck offline, but not in the email to the whole company. My farewell email in Company Y contains the information about my transition to the new owner (so others know who to look for after you’ve quit), and some short/simple farewell (with no sugar coating). Here’s the copy of it:

All,
Please be informed that today is my last day of employment in [Company Y].

I have fully transitioned my last held responsibilities to the following engineers in respective areas:

[Business sector 1]:
A support / reporting – Engineer A
B report / support – Engineer A
C support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
D process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 2]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 3 / 4]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 5]:
A support / reporting – Engineer C
B process support – Engineer C
General Quality lead – Engineer C

If you have any other query pertaining Quality roles and responsibilities, you may contact FuckChicken [my manager] for further assistance.

My post departure contacts are as follow, in case any of you requires my participation in brainstorming sessions for pFMEA or Process Control Plan to research on the safest and best process to remove stress with alcoholic beverage:

Email:
[email address]

Facebook:

Cellphone:
[cellphone number]

I wish all of you great success in your careers, and continuous joy in life.

‘Until we meet again’.

Michael Ooi

This was attention-ed to everyone that has a direct line of contact with me on the job (that’s like, 80% of the whole Company Y). I left with my head held high and without leaving my balls.

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April 26, 2012

the event

When I went into FuckChicken’s (my boss) office to tell him I’m quitting, he had just finished his breakfast. There were some remnants of what he had at the corner of his mouth, of what resembled uncooked rotten egg or animal sperm. It was a Friday morning, and I chose that very time just so that I could ruin his Friday, and the whole of his weekend. And he was most certainly unprepared of what I was about to tell him.

“Hey boss, just want to talk to you about my resignation.”

His mouth went wide agape, and I could see his half chewed food in his mouth. About one and a half second later, he asked

“What resignation?”
“Me. My resignation.”
“What?”
“I’m resigning boss. I’m here to tell you that.”

His reaction after that can be best described like a doctor breaking the bad news to him that he’s having a terminal stage testicular cancer. There was no comment, no nothing. He just went blank, staring at me. Shocked shitless. But that was just the first part of the blow. I was about to deliver the aftershock…

“And I’m going for a short notice. 1 month.”

He got shocked even more shit-fucking-less. It’s like he’s just been told that he’s also having a terminal stage leukemia. It was before long he managed to whimper out something…

“But… why?”
“I got a new job.”
“How much are they paying you?”
“A lot more.”
“And how much is that?”

He was delusional enough to think that it was about the money. It wasn’t about the money. It’s never about the money for me. Most of the people I know probably don’t believe it when I say, I never worked for money. But it’s the truth. I never give a fuck about the money. It’s not that I’m rich or anything, but it’s just the way it works for me. During the interview for the new job, the new manager asked for my asking pay, I just told him – pay me for what you think I’m worth. And that’s that.

“It’s not about the money.”
“I just need to know, so that I can benchmark if we’re doing it bad here.”
“I’d still quit and cross over, if they pay me less.”

He stopped asking about the money after that, for that fucker knew that I was pissed off about the system and everything. He continued to bitch about how short the 1 month notice is, and continued to rant about how difficult it is for him to get another candidate to fill my void. No shit sherlock. Who would want to have the workload of 4 engineers with no credit given…

“The new company actually offered to pay for me to leave in 24 hours. But I declined, and asked for 1 month instead. You should feel grateful.”
“Ok, I appreciate that. But it would really help if you could stay for at least another week…”
“That 1 week isn’t going to do jack shit on anything.”
“But it would mean a lot to me.”

He’s pulling the pity card. Pathetic asswipe. Like I would care what it means to him. Pissed, I then stood up and started to lecture him about how screwed up the whole thing has been. We engineers are required by the management to come up with risk management plans and cockloads of pFMEA sessions to foretell and mitigate risks when it comes to their engineering process. But on the other hand, these degenerates would do mistakes like overloading and abusing their engineers with tonnes of bullshit donkey jobs, and not having a contingency plan when any one of them leaves. And in my case, I have about 5 business units on my hands. My departure would leave a void so fucking big, that it’d suck passing light into it like a fucking black hole. He should have thought about this possibility even before I alerted him about my ‘shit about to hit the fan’ situation. But no, he’d sit on his ass all day and do nothing about it, but only to beg me to stay for another week when I tell him I’m gonna quit…

“I think 1 month is enough. I have already prepared the transition plan. You won’t have enough time to hire anyway, so just get a surrogate for a temporary transition, that should do the trick.”

In other words, it was a hint that he’s going to have to worry about that problem himself. In fact, teaching him that (the surrogate thing) was like doling out a donation in sympathy of his retardation. I have already done what I could. Had he been a good manager, he would have had a plan to contain this predicament without being this pathetic, if not avoiding this whole thing in the first place. He fucking deserved it.

A few days later, he actually pleaded me not to spread any ‘bad comments’ about the company, as he doesn’t want any of the ‘young engineers’ having a bad impression of his management. I told him I won’t, because I don’t have to. Half of them are already looking for jobs, and all of them already knew long ago that he’s phony. That motherfucker doesn’t even know he’s going against the traffic. I weep for you, Company Y.

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April 22, 2012

I quit

I quit. The last straw has broken the camel’s back. If you’re good at reading between the lines, you’d probably get the sarcasm veiled in the letter below.

To:
[My manager]
[his position]

CC:
[My HR manager]
HR manager

Resignation

I hereby tender my resignation as Senior Quality Engineer (Quality Assurance department) effective today. Tentatively, I would like to request for my last working day to be on 18 MAY 2012. In compliance to the company’s policy, I have to serve 2 months resignation notice, therefore I am willing to pay the company the sum equivalent of 1 month of my current salary for the shorter notice.

I would like to express that it has been a pleasure of mine to work with the team in your organization for the past 1.5 years. I appreciated every opportunity that has been pitched to me, and that I believe, has helped to make me a more experienced person. But the time has come for a change (for me). Career advancement opportunities have led me to accept an offer from another MNC and this was done only after a thorough consideration. I hope you’d understand and give me your blessing on this.

I wish [Company Y] continued success in all its future business endeavours, and great times ahead for yourself as well. During the transition period, I vouch to do everything in my capacity to ensure a proper handover of all my present responsibilities to the replacement engineer.

Sincerely,

……………………………………….
Michael Ooi

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March 12, 2012

division ‘unwanted bastard child’

*this is a long rant, you can choose not to read it*

Not long ago, I wrote about ‘the people from the main plant’, you know, the bunch of conceited but underpaid shit-stains who think they’re awesome because they have a bigger organization. Recently, there is this manager who just joined this group at the main plant, let’s call him Gaylord for the fun of it. Gaylord, being somewhat gay looking and wimpy, joined at the wrong time, for his main customer was at its raging peak stirring up fuckloads of shit about the quality of Company Y’s products.

That explains why this Gaylord was tasked with the seemingly gargantuan task of drafting a strategy plan of what he’s gonna fucking do to keep his job relevant (that’s what managers do). Now, Company Y at my division (division ‘unwanted bastard child’), is a completely different segment and Gaylord has no authority over what happens here at our place. That is why 1 week ago, he called for a meeting with our team to plead for help. He wanted us to draft a similar strategy plan, like theirs – which he’d need to park into his deck of presentation that would serve the one and only purpose – that is to bullshit his ass through this shitstorm.

Now, the most fucked up thing about this whole dirty business is, I was the one who’s got to do it for Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. The Engineer. Who is given no power of whatsoever to make any changes. Hell, my manager couldn’t even get me an engineer, which I requested 8 months ago. I was already juggling the duty of 5 engineers at the moment, barely has enough time to eat, and these dickwads want me to draft a strategy plan for the company?? This should be my boss’ job!

Pissed off, I did what I think was pragmatic, given my predicament – I took a deck of slides from the admin (which details something irrelevant), and dumptrucked the whole thing to Gaylord, carbon copied all the useless managers in Company Y division ‘unwanted bastard child’. One of the program manager got fuming mad (because the presentation was his stuff), and protested with some single digit IQ remarks in shittier than elementary English, which I ignored. My boss – FuckChicken – on the other hand, felt a sting up his self inflated pride and made an effort to put up an additional slide to control the damage, which comprises of only 3 sentences in large fonts (that made no sense) on Friday. (I think that slide actually made things worse… he could have sent out a picture of himself naked sucking a cactus, it wouldn’t have been that bad…)

Today, FuckChicken summoned me into his office and he gloated over the fact the he ‘had to’ work hard to come out with a ‘STRATEGY PLAN FOR ME’ (again, the slide with 3 short sentences with wrong syntax) and reproached me for not being able to ‘carry out my duty’. I was very close to grab his throat and pummel his face into the back of his skull, but I remained calm and composed throughout – slowly plotting a plan to leave this fucked up organization. Division ‘unwanted bastard child’. Psssshhhh.

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