Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

December 11, 2015

feminine

Company T installed some fancy ass toilet seats in the loo recently…

On the right side of the seat, rests this plastic bar with 2 knobs labeled “family” and “feminine”.

Here’s the picture of the knobs:

Looks like the control for a goddamn massage chair…

I’ve seen these from the internet before. Very popular in Japan. What those knobs essentially do is shoot a jet of water to clean your ass or something (to save the loo user the energy-sapping chore of having to use a bidet). This is a non-electronic version, but those in Japan are mostly electronic, which has better capability I guess… like maybe dispense some warm air to dry your nuts or pneumatic tampon removal…

For the clueless blokes in Company T, this novelty of a gadget seemed to have piqued their interest enough to make them inadvertently wet themselves and the floor (evidenced by the wet booths – you can actually see the water beads all in the pic above). That’s a mistake. The idea is, your ass needs to be on the seat, otherwise the water will simply shoot out of the bowl unobstructed thus wetting everything in its path.

Anyway, the curiosity got to me too. But I was smarter than them rats, I sat my bare ass down on that bowl and tested the damn knobs. So what was the difference between “family” and “feminine”? It is just the angle, boys… just the angle. The “family” rubs the rim, the “feminine” shoots higher pressure at it. I don’t know why but, I guess it must be a sexual thing. (girls like anal).

michaelooi  | experiences, work shit  | Comments Off
July 23, 2015

proper meeting etiquette

You kids need to learn a thing or two about proper meeting etiquette… you cibai

Check your participants’ availability before you send an invite
If you’re an organizer, please fucking make an effort to check your participants’ availability before you call for an important meeting (if it’s not important, then you shouldn’t have fucking called a meeting in the first place).
In the old days sans the internet, people actually had to pick up the phone to call up every participant to do that. Now it’s just launching the goddamn calendar, and see with your eyes! Won’t take a jiffy.

Be punctual
This is a no-brainer. How would you like your coffee to be served half an hour late? Or your bluray movie only plays 25 minutes later after you’ve pressed the PLAY button? That’s exactly how everyone feels when your tardy ass comes into a meeting late and started to ask questions that had already been addressed earlier when you weren’t around. Being punctual is like watching a dog’s tail wag. It shows people how serious you are with your work and your trustworthiness. If you’re always late, you’re then likely not a dependable person and everyone should stay the fuck away from you.

Respond to a meeting invite, for fuck’s sake
Now, how hard it is to respond to a meeting invite or email electronically from your PC!? People fail to do that all the time and I don’t fucking get it why. It’s either a yes or no. But you have to be a dick about it and hold the invitation in the high Z in a conceited way (deliberate or not) and hope people will read your mind. That’s just plain reckless. If the meeting’s a fucking clown show, just grow some balls to respond a NO… otherwise, you’d be the dickwad that blocks progress.

Pay attention you fuck
And by accepting the invite through a response, you have agreed to dedicate your X minutes of work hours for that meeting. That means, no stray discussions or other activities like Facebooking or instant messaging with the office slut or whatever! Doing that is akin to being a party pooper. Know what’s a party pooper? A party pooper is like someone spreading a Christianity sermon at a rave party. Someone who regresses your progress. Someone who acts like an antimatter. Someone who sucks a donkey’s cock. Dedicate your time to get the meeting objective over with, and you’ll have less meetings to deal with later.

Hold your meeting at a proper time
Proper working hour, that is. In my book of reasoning, 30 minutes before lunch or end-of-business hour are not considered ‘proper time’. That’s because your meeting is either going to overrun your participants’ lunch hours, or the go-home hours. Either one isn’t going to be good for you because all they are going to think is not the agenda in the meeting, but food/home. That is a blatant waste of time and resources (when shit doesn’t get done). Worse it could get is to organize a meeting OFF-WORK hours. It means you’re not efficient and you’re compensating your inadequacy with your family time. Not only you’re a bad employee, but also a bad parent/spouse/partner/[insert social role]. You should be sacked.

Plan your meeting with agenda
Speaking of agenda, more often than not, I receive invitations to meetings that say “discussion…” or any moronic one worded title without an iota of information about what to be discussed et al. That’s just retarded. A meeting has to be set up with proper agenda to prep the participants what the fuck it is all about and what you plan to discuss. That’s to avoid the participants to look back at you like a deer in front of a pair of headlights and the whole discussion becoming a monologue. Just give them a background, a something. Get them prepared to take you head-on. Be a man.

Be prepared for a meeting
As a participant, if you have an agenda under your name, get your ass prepared. Just create a goddamn folder in your desktop and dump in a copy of every related shit you plan to share/show/present into it (you can delete it the fuck off once you’re done). That way, you’d always be able to find your stuff effectively and have an efficient sharing/presentation. I’ve seen some retarded chodes fumbled for 10 – 15 minutes looking for some folders or files, wasting a whole room’s worth of participants’ time.

I can go on, but these are the essentials. Will write another one when I can think of more…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
July 1, 2014

the hill people

There was a call for help from someone (let’s call him, The Hill Guy) in Company T, requesting help to ‘donate’ some urgent engineering parts to meet an important schedule. The Hill Guy apparently had been searching the world, and through word of mouth, discovered that I was the only one that could be of help (sort of like, his last resort… else he’d be fucked). Being professionally courteous, I agreed to ship him the required parts on the next business day (expected to reach The Hill Guy’s place only the next day). The reason was simple – his request came in on Friday afternoon and I needed time to locate the parts, pack for shipment and do all the paperwork to facilitate the request (you know how it goes in the corporate environment). The Hill Guy ‘seemed’ thankful in his email reply.

Fast forward to the next business day when I was preparing the charity shipment, my boss’ boss (that’s 2 level above me), sent me an email requesting an explanation over an alleged escalation from The Hill Guy’s department – demanding me to fucking get them the part on the very same day (which was borderlining impossible)… because they have a super important deadline to meet. I went like… “WHAT THE FUCK IN NINE HELL IS THIS LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT??” (in disbelief). Can you believe that?? I couldn’t believe it when I first got the email. It was mind boggling.

If you do not get the gist of this ‘escalation’, this is like complaining someone’s car being not comfortable enough when that someone is sending you to the fucking hospital to save you from dying. If you still do not get the gist of it, well, you can also imagine this akin to a beggar making a police report that the coins you gave him aren’t new enough. Still do not get the gist of it?? Then you should fucking die.

I made a somewhat lengthy reply after that to my bosses about this whole fabricated mess, and luckily they understood what was going on and calmed the fuck down (and I was worried about that). But the disappointing thing was, my bosses still wanted to continue to be courteous after learning about The Hill Guy’s bullshit. I proposed to my boss ‘Let’s delay his shipment. That’ll teach the turd some lesson about being grateful…’ But it was turned down because apparently, it isn’t a ‘Company T’ culture to do such dishonorable thing. Yeah right, like it’s Company T’s culture to be of such low character and backstab people for their own gain… If this were to happen in Company Y, I’d have resorted to not send the whole fucking thing at all and watch The Hill Guy burn (I actually did this kind of thing before).

Anyway, I got the stuff sent out the same day as required, much to the chagrin of The Hill Guy (he wanted it shipped out faster than that, which I have no idea how. Teleportation?). But karma is a bitch, the database that handled the shipment had an expected error and shipment was stuck in the warehouse until late afternoon that day. Never heard of anything after that. Maybe he got fired or something.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
June 11, 2012

Company T

So I have left Company Y, and joined a new workplace which I’d call – Company T – from now on. It’s a much bigger MNC, with much more people. It’s a lateral move for me, which means, not much is gained from this move. But then, from my crude assessment, Company T would give me a much better prospect than that Company Y shithole. That’s why I made the call to jump on (but then like, most place would be better than Company Y, really)

But what’s different this time is that I’m departing off my career path to accept this job. It’s like, a totally different ballgame for me. Imagine a porn actor who suddenly switches to become a pimp? Yes, it is that different. Almost all my past experiences might be nulled for this job. That’s why I’m getting a bit nervous about this job.

Anyway, apart from that, the move is a big culture shock for me as well. Company T, being a massive corporation, is very anal about its employees being role models. The day that I joined, the manager kept reminding me (like it is the utmost important thing ever, more important than showing up at work…) not to violate any traffic rules in the company compound/carpark – which if I do, will prompt a series of stern disciplinary actions which I suspect involve him getting a colonoscopy treatment with a coconut grinder shaft and a job termination for me.

So I took note of that, and noticed that it is quite dire as my manager has projected. Everyone in Company T seems to live by that rule – be a fucking role model or lose your job! It’s like an utopia of traffic in Company T! You know, cars stopping for pedestrians, everyone driving at a pace so safe, that a dog might outrun any motorized vehicle… But alas, this is confined only to Company T compound. Once you get off the very border of Company T, you’d see the employees start to floor the accelerator, weave around the traffic like a madman and start to shove here/there. The role model values end at the security guard gate.

I was thinking, how to make them extend beyond the gate? Then it struck me… maybe the government should change the traffic demerit system by linking it to our workplace? That is, anyone who violates the traffic rules ANYWHERE in this country, will get a severe disciplinary action at work and get a blemish in his/her record (example: Caught speeding at the highway? Get a warning letter at work). That way, people will think twice whenever they’re about to show the assholic side of themselves behind the wheels. If it works in Company T compound, it’ll surely work anywhere.

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May 28, 2012

farewell emails

There has been a spate of resignations in Company Y (my ex-company) lately. From my gross estimate, it goes at the rate of 2 – 3 employees leaving each month. That’s why for the last few months before I left, I get to read a lot of ‘farewell emails’ from many colleagues.

One thing that I notice about these ‘farewell emails’ – Leaving employees seem to like to make it sound like it is a suicide note, or their last day on Earth. It usually starts with a gloom announcement that it is their last day in the workplace, and a short description of how wonderful it has been to be in the Company (which we all know is a fucking lie), then a dedicated note asking for forgiveness for any misdeeds the person has unintentionally done and end it with a wish that the company would do well.

In my opinion, the whole thing is just plain wrong. That’s no way to write a ‘farewell email’… First of all, it would be a travesty to extol or sing praises to something without meaning it (if you really mean it, then it’s fine). But the people who left Company Y did it because it is a shitty company with shitty management, everyone knows it. Singing praises in the farewell email would then paint an impression that the person’s a crooked person. And then, there’s the fucked up thing about asking for forgiveness. It gives people an impression that – being a professional – you do not know a single shit you’re doing, that’s why you asked for a blanket forgiveness for EVERYTHING you’ve ever done. If that isn’t fucked up, then what is? I do things only when I have given a thorough thought about it, and never regret it later only when I fucking leave the company. I stand by my actions and if you don’t like it, you can go fuck yourself.

To me, a ‘farewell email’ should be strictly professional and straight to the point. The email must be value added and people would benefit from reading it. I don’t write shits for the sake of writing it. I’d leave the emo part out, and if one must do it anyway, you can do the hugging, grab ass and pity fuck offline, but not in the email to the whole company. My farewell email in Company Y contains the information about my transition to the new owner (so others know who to look for after you’ve quit), and some short/simple farewell (with no sugar coating). Here’s the copy of it:

All,
Please be informed that today is my last day of employment in [Company Y].

I have fully transitioned my last held responsibilities to the following engineers in respective areas:

[Business sector 1]:
A support / reporting – Engineer A
B report / support – Engineer A
C support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
D process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 2]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 3 / 4]:
A support / reporting – Engineer B / Supervisor A
B process support – Engineer B
General Quality lead – Engineer B

[Business sector 5]:
A support / reporting – Engineer C
B process support – Engineer C
General Quality lead – Engineer C

If you have any other query pertaining Quality roles and responsibilities, you may contact FuckChicken [my manager] for further assistance.

My post departure contacts are as follow, in case any of you requires my participation in brainstorming sessions for pFMEA or Process Control Plan to research on the safest and best process to remove stress with alcoholic beverage:

Email:
[email address]

Facebook:

Cellphone:
[cellphone number]

I wish all of you great success in your careers, and continuous joy in life.

‘Until we meet again’.

Michael Ooi

This was attention-ed to everyone that has a direct line of contact with me on the job (that’s like, 80% of the whole Company Y). I left with my head held high and without leaving my balls.

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