Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

February 15, 2016

JD for bosses

If we were to reverse-engineer the things that Company T bosses do and write a job description for it, it’ll look something like this:

—————

XXX Manager

Description
This position is a redundant role within XXX project, under YYY organization, but you will be highly paid for the fuck of it.
Key focus of this role is to ensure the bunch of simians running the technical aspect of the project has someone to fear of, and to be the villain arm of the department when it comes to budget hacking or beheading heads off headcounts when there is a need for retrenchment. You will be required to call for meetings at the least expected times and to create redundant objectives out of thin air (to keep the workforce perpetually in motion). This role will also provide necessary hosting work to visiting exec leaders/VPs, and be able to handle last minute requests to get dining tables/golf appointments at country clubs.

Qualifications
Minimum Qualifications
You will need a Bachelor’s degree in whatever or related field
A member in at least 1 country club or a golf club.
For aesthetic reasons, the candidate must be bald or balding. Having male pattern baldness genes (but not bald) in the family will be considered.
Ability to lunch alone (due to prohibition of fraternization in the company)
Acting talents will be an advantage for this position (eg. feigning to do something important on your laptop while reading something off a tabloid news site)

In addition,
Candidates should demonstrate ability to sugar coat caustic and bad news to employees in the least offensive way, so as to not jeopardize their motivation to work. This is where the acting talent comes as an advantage, ability to realistically project an emotional distress during the delivery of bad news will reduce the risk of doubts in the workforce. Must possess effective communication skills at senior level, proficient at usage of words like Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win and Future and have the intrinsic ability formulate a real-time deceptive reply to verbal inquiries by a high level executive leader. Be able to work effectively across organization boundaries, such as ability to find good restaurants at a minute’s notice, working with other departmental managers to brainstorm on reducing non-executive departmental costs, defending the management’s reputation, et al.

Should you accept this position, you must consent to and pass an extended Background Investigation, which includes (subject to country law), colonoscopy, suppository drug enhancement, colonoscopy, requests to perform fellatio and colonoscopy. For internals, this investigation may or may not be completed prior to starting the position. For additional questions, please contact our human resource.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
January 29, 2016

why you no respond to emails!?

One of the biggest pet peeves about working in the corporate world is having to deal with assholes who don’t reply to work emails.

I wonder what the fuck’s up with that? An email is a form of communication, just like what you do with your voice. Do you fucking look back and stay silent like you’re square when a colleague asks you a work question face-to-face? You must be retarded if that’s a yes. That kind of behavior (of not responding) is often perceived as a conceited behavior the social decorum. It’s generally rude to ignore people. Doing it in email communications is no different, as it is just another form of (often) formal communication. How hard it is to just hit a reply button and type a short response? Beats me.

Some of my colleagues remarked that it could be due to prioritization. You know, the intended recipient could be working on something more important and therefore, does not have time for the bullshit. Well then, do you fucking ignore your mom when you’re asked to clean up the room when you’re jerking off in the toilet!? Your mom would break down the door thinking you must be in trouble and only to catch you with a dick in your hand. The key idea is COMMUNICATION! Just fucking reply with a note about something. You’re working on something else and no bandwidth? You could have said so!

Alas, people would just be a dick about it and won’t reply to work emails. It’s annoying and it impedes productivity.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
December 11, 2015

feminine

Company T installed some fancy ass toilet seats in the loo recently…

On the right side of the seat, rests this plastic bar with 2 knobs labeled “family” and “feminine”.

Here’s the picture of the knobs:

Looks like the control for a goddamn massage chair…

I’ve seen these from the internet before. Very popular in Japan. What those knobs essentially do is shoot a jet of water to clean your ass or something (to save the loo user the energy-sapping chore of having to use a bidet). This is a non-electronic version, but those in Japan are mostly electronic, which has better capability I guess… like maybe dispense some warm air to dry your nuts or pneumatic tampon removal…

For the clueless blokes in Company T, this novelty of a gadget seemed to have piqued their interest enough to make them inadvertently wet themselves and the floor (evidenced by the wet booths – you can actually see the water beads all in the pic above). That’s a mistake. The idea is, your ass needs to be on the seat, otherwise the water will simply shoot out of the bowl unobstructed thus wetting everything in its path.

Anyway, the curiosity got to me too. But I was smarter than them rats, I sat my bare ass down on that bowl and tested the damn knobs. So what was the difference between “family” and “feminine”? It is just the angle, boys… just the angle. The “family” rubs the rim, the “feminine” shoots higher pressure at it. I don’t know why but, I guess it must be a sexual thing. (girls like anal).

michaelooi  | experiences, work shit  | Comments Off
July 23, 2015

proper meeting etiquette

You kids need to learn a thing or two about proper meeting etiquette… you cibai

Check your participants’ availability before you send an invite
If you’re an organizer, please fucking make an effort to check your participants’ availability before you call for an important meeting (if it’s not important, then you shouldn’t have fucking called a meeting in the first place).
In the old days sans the internet, people actually had to pick up the phone to call up every participant to do that. Now it’s just launching the goddamn calendar, and see with your eyes! Won’t take a jiffy.

Be punctual
This is a no-brainer. How would you like your coffee to be served half an hour late? Or your bluray movie only plays 25 minutes later after you’ve pressed the PLAY button? That’s exactly how everyone feels when your tardy ass comes into a meeting late and started to ask questions that had already been addressed earlier when you weren’t around. Being punctual is like watching a dog’s tail wag. It shows people how serious you are with your work and your trustworthiness. If you’re always late, you’re then likely not a dependable person and everyone should stay the fuck away from you.

Respond to a meeting invite, for fuck’s sake
Now, how hard it is to respond to a meeting invite or email electronically from your PC!? People fail to do that all the time and I don’t fucking get it why. It’s either a yes or no. But you have to be a dick about it and hold the invitation in the high Z in a conceited way (deliberate or not) and hope people will read your mind. That’s just plain reckless. If the meeting’s a fucking clown show, just grow some balls to respond a NO… otherwise, you’d be the dickwad that blocks progress.

Pay attention you fuck
And by accepting the invite through a response, you have agreed to dedicate your X minutes of work hours for that meeting. That means, no stray discussions or other activities like Facebooking or instant messaging with the office slut or whatever! Doing that is akin to being a party pooper. Know what’s a party pooper? A party pooper is like someone spreading a Christianity sermon at a rave party. Someone who regresses your progress. Someone who acts like an antimatter. Someone who sucks a donkey’s cock. Dedicate your time to get the meeting objective over with, and you’ll have less meetings to deal with later.

Hold your meeting at a proper time
Proper working hour, that is. In my book of reasoning, 30 minutes before lunch or end-of-business hour are not considered ‘proper time’. That’s because your meeting is either going to overrun your participants’ lunch hours, or the go-home hours. Either one isn’t going to be good for you because all they are going to think is not the agenda in the meeting, but food/home. That is a blatant waste of time and resources (when shit doesn’t get done). Worse it could get is to organize a meeting OFF-WORK hours. It means you’re not efficient and you’re compensating your inadequacy with your family time. Not only you’re a bad employee, but also a bad parent/spouse/partner/[insert social role]. You should be sacked.

Plan your meeting with agenda
Speaking of agenda, more often than not, I receive invitations to meetings that say “discussion…” or any moronic one worded title without an iota of information about what to be discussed et al. That’s just retarded. A meeting has to be set up with proper agenda to prep the participants what the fuck it is all about and what you plan to discuss. That’s to avoid the participants to look back at you like a deer in front of a pair of headlights and the whole discussion becoming a monologue. Just give them a background, a something. Get them prepared to take you head-on. Be a man.

Be prepared for a meeting
As a participant, if you have an agenda under your name, get your ass prepared. Just create a goddamn folder in your desktop and dump in a copy of every related shit you plan to share/show/present into it (you can delete it the fuck off once you’re done). That way, you’d always be able to find your stuff effectively and have an efficient sharing/presentation. I’ve seen some retarded chodes fumbled for 10 – 15 minutes looking for some folders or files, wasting a whole room’s worth of participants’ time.

I can go on, but these are the essentials. Will write another one when I can think of more…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
July 1, 2014

the hill people

There was a call for help from someone (let’s call him, The Hill Guy) in Company T, requesting help to ‘donate’ some urgent engineering parts to meet an important schedule. The Hill Guy apparently had been searching the world, and through word of mouth, discovered that I was the only one that could be of help (sort of like, his last resort… else he’d be fucked). Being professionally courteous, I agreed to ship him the required parts on the next business day (expected to reach The Hill Guy’s place only the next day). The reason was simple – his request came in on Friday afternoon and I needed time to locate the parts, pack for shipment and do all the paperwork to facilitate the request (you know how it goes in the corporate environment). The Hill Guy ‘seemed’ thankful in his email reply.

Fast forward to the next business day when I was preparing the charity shipment, my boss’ boss (that’s 2 level above me), sent me an email requesting an explanation over an alleged escalation from The Hill Guy’s department – demanding me to fucking get them the part on the very same day (which was borderlining impossible)… because they have a super important deadline to meet. I went like… “WHAT THE FUCK IN NINE HELL IS THIS LOAD OF FUCKING SHIT??” (in disbelief). Can you believe that?? I couldn’t believe it when I first got the email. It was mind boggling.

If you do not get the gist of this ‘escalation’, this is like complaining someone’s car being not comfortable enough when that someone is sending you to the fucking hospital to save you from dying. If you still do not get the gist of it, well, you can also imagine this akin to a beggar making a police report that the coins you gave him aren’t new enough. Still do not get the gist of it?? Then you should fucking die.

I made a somewhat lengthy reply after that to my bosses about this whole fabricated mess, and luckily they understood what was going on and calmed the fuck down (and I was worried about that). But the disappointing thing was, my bosses still wanted to continue to be courteous after learning about The Hill Guy’s bullshit. I proposed to my boss ‘Let’s delay his shipment. That’ll teach the turd some lesson about being grateful…’ But it was turned down because apparently, it isn’t a ‘Company T’ culture to do such dishonorable thing. Yeah right, like it’s Company T’s culture to be of such low character and backstab people for their own gain… If this were to happen in Company Y, I’d have resorted to not send the whole fucking thing at all and watch The Hill Guy burn (I actually did this kind of thing before).

Anyway, I got the stuff sent out the same day as required, much to the chagrin of The Hill Guy (he wanted it shipped out faster than that, which I have no idea how. Teleportation?). But karma is a bitch, the database that handled the shipment had an expected error and shipment was stuck in the warehouse until late afternoon that day. Never heard of anything after that. Maybe he got fired or something.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off