Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

April 22, 2004

staff meeting #3

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Me : “Boss, I think we should not let those imbecile vendors to roam in our office cubes so freely…”

Boss : “Why is that?”

Me : “Because I suspect they ate our biscuits without asking. And sometimes, they wank on our chair…”

Boss : “I don’t believe you”

Me : “Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself then”

Boss : “Watch your language man… or I’ll turn gay”

Me : “May your dick get plenty of warts and callouses”

Boss : *turns gay and started to fellate anything he could find in the meeting room… furniture, whiteboard markers, etc ….*

Me & everyone else in the meeting : *escape unharmed*

Alright, I made this one up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

staff meeting #2

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Kermit : “Boss, there was this girl from technical support department sent me an application mail with her resume for one of our vacant post. So, you want review her for the job?”

Boss : “Yes please. Forward her resume to me…”

Me : “Whoaa… hold on dude. Don’t do that yet.”

Kermit : “Why?”

Me : “Is the girl pretty? If not, just reject her application.”

Kermit : “…”

Me : “If the girl’s over 30, heavier than 55Kg or shorter than 5ft – you can dismiss her right away…”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss & Kermit : *puke blood and blacks out*

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staff meeting #1

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Boss : “I think I’m gonna suggest to the big boss that we need to have some kind of mobile phone allowance for our job. Any comment, guys ?”

Me : “I think we need much more than that.”

Boss : “Like what? Can you please elaborate?”

Me : “I think we need higher increment, car allowances, bigger office desk, a new mobile phone, subsidized home loan, a new wife/girlfriend… bla bla bla”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss : *puke blood and blacks out*

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December 19, 2003

new office cubicle

I received a memo yesterday – that I am required to move my desk across the office into another cubicle. Reason? The director wants my place for his new office.

Well, it’s a good thing, as my current place is quite crampy and hot. So without objection, I started to move my stuff over to the new cubicle since late yesterday. The new cube is nice, very spacious, and is located at a very nice corner with plenty of privacy.

But there is one thing about my new cube that bugs me — it is located right next to Jude. Now what about Jude? She’s scary, man. I can’t accurately describe much about her except that she’s got this fondness to come near and talk to me. The thing is, she makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve always averted from talking too much to her before this. I’d steer myself away whenever I see her in front. I’d go ‘oh-ok-yeah’ to shorten every conversation. But somehow, she has always been able to catch me up. Uggh.

Anyway, the idea of me moving next to her is a venison moving next to a colony of hyenas. It’s almost pronounced like a death sentence. When she saw me move my stuff in, she kinda excitedly stood up and exclaimed “You moved next to my cube! Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”. I swear that’s exactly how she laughs. Freakishly freakish.

I am imagining the worst now. Like when I am busy typing something important (like an entry for my blog)… I’d suddenly notice some acrid smelling transparent goo dripping from above… and then when I look up to check out what the fuck was that — I will see Jude salivating from above peeking at me – like that nasty alien in the movie ‘Alien’. And that’s when she would cue in her “hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk” trademark giggle.

Fuck. I think I’ll need to apply for permission from the management to install some high voltage barb wire along the perimeter of my office cube. Then, probably keep a couple of pitbulls guarding the passageway, and hire a 24-7 security guard armed with some nasty hole punchers. Maybe lace a few bouncing betty’s underneath the carpet as well… just to keep her away…

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November 19, 2003

post Rob era

Many of my friends have been asking me… who will be your boss after Rob left? Not wanting to keep my friends and readers itching in suspense, I now have 2 new bosses. 1st – work boss, 2nd – administrative boss.

Work boss – the guy who needs to know every fuck I do at work. This includes my job scope and project for quarter/year and also my career development as an engineer.

Administrative boss – the guy who approves my annual leave whenever I don’t feel like working… and the guy who gives a shit about my welfare during working hours.

So, who’s my new boss?
My new work boss is Pete. If you can still remember, he is the same guy who organized the calamitous karaoke farewell for my ex-colleague CK. Pete is an ok guy… although he lacked of the intelligence to even know what exactly am I doing everyday. One thing I like about him is — he actually LISTENS whenever someone speaks. Now, that’s a very rare trait to be found nowadays. Another beautiful thing about Pete is, he’d approve anything that I pass to him, no questions asked.

My administrative boss is – unexpectedly – my colleague Kermit. Kermit is in his late 30’s and is a senior engineer. His pay is a few times higher than mine, so, he can be my boss.

How’s life after Rob left?
I hate to admit this but, it’s getting really boring for me and my colleagues after Rob left. As if we’ve lost a purpose in life… by losing a common object to hate at. We used to be able to vent all our anger and frustration by talking behind his back or laugh at his ass. But now that we’ve lost our dummy, our stress have nowhere to go. Rob is like the Japs in WW II that surrendered and ended the war. When the war ended, we start to become complacent and put on weight. Eventually, we’ll all be too fat to trim our own toe nails.

Same thing here. Rob’s departure made our brain too free from worries and lack of exercise. And eventually, our brains will all turn slow, rusty and infested by fungus. Seriously, I think I need to look for a surrogate for Rob’s position… else we’d risk of bringing down the whole chain of ecosystem…

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