Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

April 22, 2004

staff meeting #1

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Boss : “I think I’m gonna suggest to the big boss that we need to have some kind of mobile phone allowance for our job. Any comment, guys ?”

Me : “I think we need much more than that.”

Boss : “Like what? Can you please elaborate?”

Me : “I think we need higher increment, car allowances, bigger office desk, a new mobile phone, subsidized home loan, a new wife/girlfriend… bla bla bla”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss : *puke blood and blacks out*

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
December 19, 2003

new office cubicle

I received a memo yesterday – that I am required to move my desk across the office into another cubicle. Reason? The director wants my place for his new office.

Well, it’s a good thing, as my current place is quite crampy and hot. So without objection, I started to move my stuff over to the new cubicle since late yesterday. The new cube is nice, very spacious, and is located at a very nice corner with plenty of privacy.

But there is one thing about my new cube that bugs me — it is located right next to Jude. Now what about Jude? She’s scary, man. I can’t accurately describe much about her except that she’s got this fondness to come near and talk to me. The thing is, she makes me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve always averted from talking too much to her before this. I’d steer myself away whenever I see her in front. I’d go ‘oh-ok-yeah’ to shorten every conversation. But somehow, she has always been able to catch me up. Uggh.

Anyway, the idea of me moving next to her is a venison moving next to a colony of hyenas. It’s almost pronounced like a death sentence. When she saw me move my stuff in, she kinda excitedly stood up and exclaimed “You moved next to my cube! Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk!”. I swear that’s exactly how she laughs. Freakishly freakish.

I am imagining the worst now. Like when I am busy typing something important (like an entry for my blog)… I’d suddenly notice some acrid smelling transparent goo dripping from above… and then when I look up to check out what the fuck was that — I will see Jude salivating from above peeking at me – like that nasty alien in the movie ‘Alien’. And that’s when she would cue in her “hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk” trademark giggle.

Fuck. I think I’ll need to apply for permission from the management to install some high voltage barb wire along the perimeter of my office cube. Then, probably keep a couple of pitbulls guarding the passageway, and hire a 24-7 security guard armed with some nasty hole punchers. Maybe lace a few bouncing betty’s underneath the carpet as well… just to keep her away…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 19, 2003

post Rob era

Many of my friends have been asking me… who will be your boss after Rob left? Not wanting to keep my friends and readers itching in suspense, I now have 2 new bosses. 1st – work boss, 2nd – administrative boss.

Work boss – the guy who needs to know every fuck I do at work. This includes my job scope and project for quarter/year and also my career development as an engineer.

Administrative boss – the guy who approves my annual leave whenever I don’t feel like working… and the guy who gives a shit about my welfare during working hours.

So, who’s my new boss?
My new work boss is Pete. If you can still remember, he is the same guy who organized the calamitous karaoke farewell for my ex-colleague CK. Pete is an ok guy… although he lacked of the intelligence to even know what exactly am I doing everyday. One thing I like about him is — he actually LISTENS whenever someone speaks. Now, that’s a very rare trait to be found nowadays. Another beautiful thing about Pete is, he’d approve anything that I pass to him, no questions asked.

My administrative boss is – unexpectedly – my colleague Kermit. Kermit is in his late 30’s and is a senior engineer. His pay is a few times higher than mine, so, he can be my boss.

How’s life after Rob left?
I hate to admit this but, it’s getting really boring for me and my colleagues after Rob left. As if we’ve lost a purpose in life… by losing a common object to hate at. We used to be able to vent all our anger and frustration by talking behind his back or laugh at his ass. But now that we’ve lost our dummy, our stress have nowhere to go. Rob is like the Japs in WW II that surrendered and ended the war. When the war ended, we start to become complacent and put on weight. Eventually, we’ll all be too fat to trim our own toe nails.

Same thing here. Rob’s departure made our brain too free from worries and lack of exercise. And eventually, our brains will all turn slow, rusty and infested by fungus. Seriously, I think I need to look for a surrogate for Rob’s position… else we’d risk of bringing down the whole chain of ecosystem…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 12, 2003

Rob’s last day II

Yesterday, when the time approaches 4pm, the sky suddenly turned gloomy and dark. So dark that I thought there was an eclipse or something. And then all of the sudden, water started to jet down from the heavy sky. It rained cats and dogs. It was so heavy, that I reckoned that one would be stripped naked if exposed long enough under the rain.

At about 4.30pm, Rob came over to my cubicle to bid me farewell. He started by saying “Alright guys… all the best” and he then stretched out his cold skeletal hand for a handshake. Being a gentleman that I am, I replied while shaking his rotten hand “All the best to you too…”, rather insincerely. Deep inside my heart, I wanted this guy to flop bad and eat dirt. But that had to be veiled to preserve my integrity as a civilized person.

He looked particularly jolly at the final few minutes at the office. Everyone else looked happy too. He went around shaking everyone’s hand to say goodbye, like we all are going to miss him. Little did he know that it was quite the opposite. We’re all hoping that he’d get it all over soon and get the fuck out of there already. What a moron.

He finally left after about a good 25 minutes of drama later. And right after he left, I cited a poem out loud to my colleagues – in mandarin. (I know nuts about Mandarin… and has very little talent in poetry).

The air is so fresh [inhale a long deep breath]
The sun is so bright [looking and pointing out at the storm out there]
I feel like a newborn [looking at the office fluorescent light above]

Alright, it didn’t quite sound like a fucking poem. They didn’t rhyme and sounded damn spastic. But it did elevate some morale there… because I could see heads bobbing up from their respective cubes to check out who was citing a stupid poem in the middle of the office. I was greeted with laughters and cheers from them. But I know they weren’t laughing at my absurd poem. They were actually laughing that their nightmare was finally over and a new dawn has come.

At 5.20pm, I walked out from the office building feeling like a new person. On the way out, my friends shook my hand and congratulated me as if I’ve gotten a promotion. It was an unforgettable experience.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 7, 2003

don’t mess with me

On Wednesday, a fellow colleague from Australia (let’s call him Sangeeth) emailed me to request for technical assistance for an issue which he couldn’t solve. But his mail didn’t quite sound like he’s requesting something. It was more like, a command. He wanted me to do it for him. There was a heavy presence of arrogance in it, and it sounded very authoritative. Not wanting to create a fuss out of it, I decided to help anyway, partly because I was professionally obliged to do that (ahem).

Because he was too busy inserting his arrogance in his email, he somehow forgot to include the details which I need to be able to help him. Amongst them, photos depicting the problem. I had to send him a reply to request for that. But being somewhat of a dolt, this Sangeeth sent me a mail asking me to provide him an FTP address (File Transfer Protocol) for him to share an oversized video file. Yes, a video file. I was asking for photos, but he wanted to give me a video file. Video file of something static. What the fuck. Following was our actual email communication :

“Michael, do you have an FTP site I can access ? The tech has taken an Mpeg video and sent it to me. It is 3.2MB so I cant email it”

I replied him: “Sangeeth, unfortunately no. Perhaps you can try to share it out from your PC and let us know your domain/computer name… we’ll try to link up from here”

Sangeeth, apparently dissatisfied with the fact that we do not have an FTP site, replied with a one-sentence harsh mail – “We should have an FTP site”.

That was when I snapped. I was fucking pissed. I was trying to help him with his problem, and this guy’s trying to make it like I’m the problem. I decided to send him a retort and this time, with less courtesy:

“Sangeeth, Like I have requested, just snap some pictures. They are of smaller size and should be good enough for us to check it out. I know we should have an FTP. In fact, we should have a lot of other things… like a big car, higher wage and a more comfortable cube as well. But the fact is, we still don’t have them. So why don’t you live with it and go to work?”

My reply aggravated the mental ape and he sent me a nasty flame mail reprimanding me. He criticized me for being too passive and being reluctant in helping him to solve his problems. And he ended his verbose mail with loads of bullshit technical jargons (which I knew more than himself, and was the reason why he was asking for my help)… and still, no photos or useful details.

That was the last straw for me. I decided to give the motherfucker the final blow. I sent him a blunt but succinct email asking him to CUT THE CRAP, PROVIDE THE DETAILS and copied his boss. And I p.s. the mail with a note asking him to improve his command of English to improve his comprehension…

I didn’t give much thought about the testosterone influenced angry reply, and expected it to draw much flak from my superior. But fortunately, Sangeeth’s boss dug my message and personally called my team director to apologize. His boss probably felt the same way I did about Sangeeth – that he is a nincompoop and should probably be hired to do something not so important. Like wiping tables or cleaning toilets. And I never heard from Sangeeth after that round of altercation.

My director later called me up and told me, that Sangeeth almost got fired because of what I wrote in my last email, and I was made to promise to be more diplomatic in my future communications… Bah! Like I care. Served that bastard right I’d say, for being such an ass.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off