Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

August 28, 2004

in the middle of everything

Last week, one of the managers in my department organized an event for the Customer Service team to visit my lab. To understand more about the corporate operations – he said. Those Customer Service visitors encompassed both old and young executives… and their entourage was divided into 4 batches of visits – on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively.

Well, of course I’m kinda disturbed with the fact that my lab will be harboring visitors with us engineers inside looking like a bunch of stinking zoo animals. Oh wait a minute, maybe worse than zoo animals… because the zoo animals do not have to fucking brief the visitors. Yes, that’s right, I was required to walk those zoo visitors through about the operations of our zoo lab.

Now you don’t see an orang utan (inside a zoo) come near from its cage to introduce itself and sort of explain what it does everyday… do you ?

“Hi, my name is Atan. I am one of the resident orang utan in this zoo. Basically, I am responsible to brief you guys about what we actually do here. Well, see that other ape there? That is LilianToo. etc etc etc… ”

No they don’t do that. They only need to look cool, sleep and eat the whole day. Me? I have to brief those bunch of young executives again and again for 4 freaking times. But I had a plan. I would make use of my fast speaking skills to quickly finish them off… and dismiss the troop to some other places. Hell yeah I did that alright… but for only the first 2 group.

The 3rd group? Was a bunch of super sweet and cute looking young execs. OMFG. I was so stunned when I realized that there were at least 1/2 dozen of pretty young things staring at me when I was about to start my briefing. I started to sweat like mad and my speech stuttered. My eyes were disoriented (coz I don’t know where to look) and suddenly, I passed out.

Then somebody shouted for emergency and one of the sweetest looking girls mounted up on me to give me a pump on my chest. She thought I was having a heart attack or something. Oh that was so embarrassing. But when the pumping action didn’t work, she resorted to the advanced method – mouth to mouth resuscitation (my favorite).

She took off her jacket to reveal her sleeveless blouse (no armpit hair – passed), and started to press her mouth against mine. And she blew a strawberry scented breath into my lungs — oh it was so beautiful. And that… my friends, revived me from my blackout and I reacted by groping her tits accompanied with a squeal. I thought I was in trouble but she said it was ok because she knew it was an accident.

Then there was this moment of silence. Everyone was frozen and so was I… as if time had stopped itself. That was when I realized, I was in the middle of an explanation for a question and I stopped to daydream about the kinky mouth to mouth rescue thingy. How disappointing. Damn… and how the hell could I daydream in the middle of a speech? Was that some kind of sign that my brain is getting old? I seriously think I need to go for a vacation. This is getting out of control…

PS: I managed to explain to the 3rd group in a lengthy manner, buying a lot of time to enjoy basking the company of those SYT’s…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
May 12, 2004

special mail

Part of my job function is to manage supplier quality in my company’s manufacturing plant. Today, 2 of my supplier top management personnel paid me a scheduled visit with a ‘relationship renewal’ agenda. No… they weren’t here to give me a round of hot steamy sex. They were here (all the way from Taiwan) to give me a good lunch… and also to ensure their business are all in good hands (that I am not an asshole, etc).

As both of them are from the top management (an MD and a manager), I was suppose to get my boss to handle them. But coincidentally, Pete is in Ireland for some business trip and the director was busy jacking off at other functions. So I had to be their host for the day.

So, off we went for a great lunch and came back into business by 2 pm. Then I presented some of our high-tech-engineering-classified-report to impress the shit out of them. Well… they were duly impressed needless to say… until I switched to my email program to look for some of the important files.

Now, as most of you probably have encountered, we always have those kind of shameless friends who would send you some non-work related stuffs. Especially those lewd pictures of half/full naked promiscuous tarts doing some wank inducing pose to distract you off your work. That’s exactly what happened today. When I switched my screen to my email inbox to look for that important file, something outstanding caught my eyes (which I believe, caught those Taiwanese’ eyes too). A forwarded informal email sent by one of my friends. Here’s the picture of it (i obscured the other mails for confidentiality’s sake…):

If you couldn’t see it properly, it’s an unread email (bolded) with the title “How to poison your mother in law”. I did not know whether to laugh or cry at that particular moment. Usually, I would archive my informal mails for later reading but apparently, I left out that one today… and somehow got into this situation.

I immediately switch the screen to another — hoping that those Taiwanese did not see that embarrassing email. It seems that they did not… but I swear that I caught one of the snickered when the inbox screen was loaded…

Lesson learnt : Never ever open your email in the presence of a guest

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
April 22, 2004

staff meeting #3

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Me : “Boss, I think we should not let those imbecile vendors to roam in our office cubes so freely…”

Boss : “Why is that?”

Me : “Because I suspect they ate our biscuits without asking. And sometimes, they wank on our chair…”

Boss : “I don’t believe you”

Me : “Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself then”

Boss : “Watch your language man… or I’ll turn gay”

Me : “May your dick get plenty of warts and callouses”

Boss : *turns gay and started to fellate anything he could find in the meeting room… furniture, whiteboard markers, etc ….*

Me & everyone else in the meeting : *escape unharmed*

Alright, I made this one up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

staff meeting #2

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Kermit : “Boss, there was this girl from technical support department sent me an application mail with her resume for one of our vacant post. So, you want review her for the job?”

Boss : “Yes please. Forward her resume to me…”

Me : “Whoaa… hold on dude. Don’t do that yet.”

Kermit : “Why?”

Me : “Is the girl pretty? If not, just reject her application.”

Kermit : “…”

Me : “If the girl’s over 30, heavier than 55Kg or shorter than 5ft – you can dismiss her right away…”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss & Kermit : *puke blood and blacks out*

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

staff meeting #1

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Boss : “I think I’m gonna suggest to the big boss that we need to have some kind of mobile phone allowance for our job. Any comment, guys ?”

Me : “I think we need much more than that.”

Boss : “Like what? Can you please elaborate?”

Me : “I think we need higher increment, car allowances, bigger office desk, a new mobile phone, subsidized home loan, a new wife/girlfriend… bla bla bla”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss : *puke blood and blacks out*

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off