Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

April 21, 2005

haunted ?

My lab has recently hired a new temp named Milkboy. Quite a nice guy. Despite years older than me, he actually looked much younger (and needless to say, less macho as well). A stranger would have thought that he’s a high school student instead of someone in his early 30’s.

Part of his job was technical – analyzing defective computer parts inside the lab, which is known to be haunted. Yeah, the place that I spend almost 9 hours a day, is known to be haunted. But I’ve never seen anything abnormal happening over there before… save for a few times when the fire exit alarm went off by itself… just, nothing that resembled a ghost or something. (the scariest thing I’ve ever seen inside that lab were dead toasted lizards stuck inside power supplies…)

A couple days ago, Milkboy actually asked me about it, to confirm about the haunting. One of my colleagues (which is also his friend prior working here) actually told him – not to work inside the lab after 7pm and told him about the haunting. Needless to say, Milkboy was concerned … and there was a hint of fear veiled in his question…

Not wanting to spoil the fun, I told him something like this :
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Just, if you hear something weird or funny when you’re alone in the lab… the best thing to do is, to switch off your monitor, calmly grab your belongings, and leave the lab.”

Milkboy then responded “Damn… can’t I just bail without shutting off the monitor ??”

I was trying hard not to laugh and replied – “Nope. Help the company save electricity. You’ll have to shut it off dude. Oh, and don’t forget your car keys, you wouldn’t want to return back there to collect it with the weird things going on …”

Milkboy – “Man, looks like I got to pray a lot to get some peace here …”

I don’t know if Milkboy took all that seriously but, it was damn funny to see his expression after that. I just hope he doesn’t smoke the whole place up burning paper offerings to buy some peace there…

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November 25, 2004

meeting with an undead

My team was having a very heated discussion inside a meeting room today. It was a small room that wouldn’t fit all of us, so, I kinda had to stand right in front of the closed door.

The discussion went on until way past the time it was suppose to end, without us realizing it. (In our workplace, meeting rooms are very limited resources, we’ll have to book it to call for a meeting).

After about 5 minutes past the due time, a petite lady appeared right outside the door and peeked into our meeting room (through a small glass opening at the door). As I was standing at the door, I immediately took notice of her and gave her a petulant glance through the window.

She was immediately taken aback. She then gestured skankily that she had already booked the meeting room for that subsequent hour and we better get the fuck out…

Kidding. She actually did it coyly and was wearing a sheepish smile that would make any bloke feel like putting a high five right into her face sorry for her.

So, I did her a favor. I interrupted the meeting.

“Psst psst… the skeletal lady outside has gone ballistic. She threatens to reveal her bare ribs if you guys don’t give her this room now. Let’s bail!”

Alright, kidding again. I didn’t actually say that. I just went “psst psst” and pointed at the lady outside the door. The guys said they needed 5 more minutes, and I gesticulated to her with my five fingers wide spread indicating “FIVE MORE MINUTES BITCH… FIVE MORE…” and turned back to concentrate on the wrap up of the discussion.

10 seconds later, she tapped on the glass again and gave me the puppy-with-sad-eyes look. If she’s a cute or pretty young girl, it would have worked. But the problem was, she looked like a freshly excavated Incan mummy that had just awakened from its thousand year slumber. 2 barf cycles neat. I don’t dig mummified chicks with dehydrated tits.

I gave her a slightly disgusted look. Again, she pointed here and there in random, which was something beyond my comprehension. I tried to jokingly gesture to her – “No I’m not giving up this room” – but she just could not get it.

That was when I opened up the door wide enough for me to speak to her… and the whole meeting room paused.

Skeletal lady : “Ehek ehek .. sorry yea,… i oledi booked the loom…”

Me : “Yep, we’re wrapping things up…. say.. in about … 3 hours”

Skeletal lady : “Huh !?”

Me : “I was just pulling your leg, lady. 5 minutes”

When I turned back into the meeting room, I could hear one of the managers’ said

“Kanneh .. lu kua ee eh bin … kia si lang …”
(translation : “Fuck .. just look at her face… so damn scary..”)

We then wrapped up quickly and left the meeting room without looking back. Seriously, if she were to strip to her bare ribs, we would have committed suicide by deliberately choking ourselves with our own cellphones or with our notebooks. Serious.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 10 Comments
September 16, 2004

looking for kotex

It was a hectic morning today. I had to investigate stuffs, prepare reports, attend meetings, ogle at girls and think of what to blog. Goddamn. I was so busy, that I didn’t even have the time to spare for internet surfing!

Well, one of my itinerary in the morning was to arrange for a shipment to USA. And for that, I’ll have to liaise with Kotex… if you can still remember her – she was the pigeon girl that I had blogged about many months ago. I was supposed to get a form from her, for some paperwork shits. But she wasn’t around.

I tried in vain to call her up at her desk, but nobody answered. Saw her instant messenger status set to “Away”, so, I kinda decided to continue with my other chores until she comes back. I was at it until about 10am, when I saw her status changed to ‘online’. Tired of calling, I decided to send a test message to her :

Me : kotex…

No respond. 5 minutes later, I messaged again.

Me : are you at your desk ??

Waited for a whole 1 minute and she finally replied.

Kotex : hi,

Damn. What the fuck, I asked her if she was at her desk and she replied a “hi”. You don’t say “hi” when people ask you questions. I dived straight to the point in my next message :

Me : hi ?? cheebye you filthy slut with syphilis. I’d rather fuck a truck than having sex with you! Scum

Kidding. I normally am more diplomatic when it comes to work. Here’s what I replied (for real):

Me : i am heading to your place ,.

Kotex : ok

And I went on ahead to state my intentions – to avoid any misunderstanding that I’m going to her place to have sex or something like that

Me : need 1 fedex form

Kotex : k

I sent another message to verify if she was only intellectually capable of giving a single word reply….

Me : prepare for a grand arrival

Kotex : sure, welcome

Alright, it’s 2 words. Max.

When I arrived at her place, she was standing beside her office cube with a Federal Express form, waiting for me – with her awkward posture even more awkwarder (if there’s such word). And that, my friend, was suppose to be her “grand arrival”. I almost lost my appetite for lunch.

Lesson learnt : None. Get back to work.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
August 28, 2004

in the middle of everything

Last week, one of the managers in my department organized an event for the Customer Service team to visit my lab. To understand more about the corporate operations – he said. Those Customer Service visitors encompassed both old and young executives… and their entourage was divided into 4 batches of visits – on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively.

Well, of course I’m kinda disturbed with the fact that my lab will be harboring visitors with us engineers inside looking like a bunch of stinking zoo animals. Oh wait a minute, maybe worse than zoo animals… because the zoo animals do not have to fucking brief the visitors. Yes, that’s right, I was required to walk those zoo visitors through about the operations of our zoo lab.

Now you don’t see an orang utan (inside a zoo) come near from its cage to introduce itself and sort of explain what it does everyday… do you ?

“Hi, my name is Atan. I am one of the resident orang utan in this zoo. Basically, I am responsible to brief you guys about what we actually do here. Well, see that other ape there? That is LilianToo. etc etc etc… ”

No they don’t do that. They only need to look cool, sleep and eat the whole day. Me? I have to brief those bunch of young executives again and again for 4 freaking times. But I had a plan. I would make use of my fast speaking skills to quickly finish them off… and dismiss the troop to some other places. Hell yeah I did that alright… but for only the first 2 group.

The 3rd group? Was a bunch of super sweet and cute looking young execs. OMFG. I was so stunned when I realized that there were at least 1/2 dozen of pretty young things staring at me when I was about to start my briefing. I started to sweat like mad and my speech stuttered. My eyes were disoriented (coz I don’t know where to look) and suddenly, I passed out.

Then somebody shouted for emergency and one of the sweetest looking girls mounted up on me to give me a pump on my chest. She thought I was having a heart attack or something. Oh that was so embarrassing. But when the pumping action didn’t work, she resorted to the advanced method – mouth to mouth resuscitation (my favorite).

She took off her jacket to reveal her sleeveless blouse (no armpit hair – passed), and started to press her mouth against mine. And she blew a strawberry scented breath into my lungs — oh it was so beautiful. And that… my friends, revived me from my blackout and I reacted by groping her tits accompanied with a squeal. I thought I was in trouble but she said it was ok because she knew it was an accident.

Then there was this moment of silence. Everyone was frozen and so was I… as if time had stopped itself. That was when I realized, I was in the middle of an explanation for a question and I stopped to daydream about the kinky mouth to mouth rescue thingy. How disappointing. Damn… and how the hell could I daydream in the middle of a speech? Was that some kind of sign that my brain is getting old? I seriously think I need to go for a vacation. This is getting out of control…

PS: I managed to explain to the 3rd group in a lengthy manner, buying a lot of time to enjoy basking the company of those SYT’s…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
May 12, 2004

special mail

Part of my job function is to manage supplier quality in my company’s manufacturing plant. Today, 2 of my supplier top management personnel paid me a scheduled visit with a ‘relationship renewal’ agenda. No… they weren’t here to give me a round of hot steamy sex. They were here (all the way from Taiwan) to give me a good lunch… and also to ensure their business are all in good hands (that I am not an asshole, etc).

As both of them are from the top management (an MD and a manager), I was suppose to get my boss to handle them. But coincidentally, Pete is in Ireland for some business trip and the director was busy jacking off at other functions. So I had to be their host for the day.

So, off we went for a great lunch and came back into business by 2 pm. Then I presented some of our high-tech-engineering-classified-report to impress the shit out of them. Well… they were duly impressed needless to say… until I switched to my email program to look for some of the important files.

Now, as most of you probably have encountered, we always have those kind of shameless friends who would send you some non-work related stuffs. Especially those lewd pictures of half/full naked promiscuous tarts doing some wank inducing pose to distract you off your work. That’s exactly what happened today. When I switched my screen to my email inbox to look for that important file, something outstanding caught my eyes (which I believe, caught those Taiwanese’ eyes too). A forwarded informal email sent by one of my friends. Here’s the picture of it (i obscured the other mails for confidentiality’s sake…):

If you couldn’t see it properly, it’s an unread email (bolded) with the title “How to poison your mother in law”. I did not know whether to laugh or cry at that particular moment. Usually, I would archive my informal mails for later reading but apparently, I left out that one today… and somehow got into this situation.

I immediately switch the screen to another — hoping that those Taiwanese did not see that embarrassing email. It seems that they did not… but I swear that I caught one of the snickered when the inbox screen was loaded…

Lesson learnt : Never ever open your email in the presence of a guest

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