Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

October 12, 2005

memo

My workplace had a power failure today. Total blackout. Most of the lights were out except some of the emergency lights… and of course, the air conditioning too. So it’s kinda musty and hot in the office.

I just came back from my lunch when it happened. But luckily, the network’s still up and running (as they’re hooked to some power generator or something). So most of us were still able to access the network through our portable PC’s. I fired up my email program and saw a memo from our management (details modified to protect the confidentiality).

To : all employees

description
Please be informed that our company is having a power failure. However, the data server is not affected and being supported by the generator.

how will this affect the users ?
The company has no power supply.

business units
All employees located in the workplace.

That’s hell u’va memo, isn’t it ? I laughed so hard that I almost shat my pants. Hell.

I do not know how would that memo help us in any way other than wasting the network bandwidth. Like, it was already so fucking dark in the office… and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Any birdbrain would have been able to wild guess that it’s a fucking blackout. Now why do they think that they need to remind us employees that we’re having a blackout? It’s a wonder how bureaucracies drive people to do ridiculous things, isn’t it ?

Some 35 minutes later, while I’m still sitting in the DARK and MUSTY office, I received another memo…

Update:
Power has not been restored yet. Facilities is still investigating.

Oooh, as if I couldn’t tell… what the fuck bebeh. They sent the exact same memo half an hour later, to remind us employees about the shit situation we’re in… so as we’re not clueless of what’s happening.

Then about a while later, the office lights began to flash back to normal. The air conditioning hummed its usual washing machine dry spin tone (that’s a big ass air conditioning unit, ok ?). Then almost as predictable, I beamed at my email program… expecting something from the management. Sure enough, 15 minutes after the power was restored, the final memo came :

Power has been restored at 2:10pm. Facilities consultant indicates that the power lost was caused by power switch gear tripped.

Enlightening indeed. Had they not send out those memos, I probably wouldn’t have known if a power failure had occurred… GODDAMN !

michaelooi  | work shit  | 17 Comments
June 1, 2005

the demise of a psychotic bear

Wilson had been missing from work for close to a week and finally came back to work today. Apparently, he took his time off to stay away from someone he’s scared of – Panda. That’s right. It was Panda’s final week with the company and he was damn worried that she might go on rampage killing everyone in the office.

But it didn’t happen of course… else there would’ve been a headline for you guys to enjoy. She did behave strangely during her final moments though. She was like… rowdier than her usual stodgy self and our lab technician, Doof, was unlucky enough to be the victim of her unconditional angst.

It happened on one fine afternoon when Doof was working in front of his computer and was suddenly pounced by Panda. She started to savagely berate him about some mistakes that he didn’t even know of. He was needless to say, scared shitless at that particular moment… and decided to just keep very still in order not to agitate her any further. He claimed that she didn’t look like wanting to reason at that moment. A close shave with death indeed.

Luckily, it’s all over now. She finally left the company yesterday. It’s spring again and Wilson is now the happiest dude in the office. But I told him not to feel too comfortable about the whole thing … as we’ll never know if Panda would return one day as a completely different person to vindicate the fuck ups that he had given to her.

Like, it’s not very difficult to have her lards and animal fats liposucked to an hourglass figure, get a boob job and some major plastic surgery to make herself look like Bo Derek – he could never guess even in his wildest dream that it’s Panda. With a little tweak of an ID, he’ll feel compelled hire her back (who can resist a sexy good looking applicant ?) and give her an opportunity to ensnare him with her sexual advances.

Once she manages to lure him to a bed or something, she’ll then tie his limbs up with leather straps at each corner of the bed and start to torture the daylights out of him. Some of the tortures that the BOE’s and I came up with…

– inflict wounds on his dick with a paper cutter, then slowly sprinkle salt, pepper and other seasonings onto it.
– slowly toast his bollocks with a Bunsen burner, then only add in the seasoning torture.
– to slowly wax off every single strand of hair on his body…
– spread heaps of sticky rice grains over his naked body, and dump in about 100 starving live chickens into that locked room.
– substitute chickens with rats.
– substitute rats with hyenas.

Something like that. He paused for a while … and then changed our discussion topic to something else.

Cues in music and roll the credit.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments
April 21, 2005

haunted ?

My lab has recently hired a new temp named Milkboy. Quite a nice guy. Despite years older than me, he actually looked much younger (and needless to say, less macho as well). A stranger would have thought that he’s a high school student instead of someone in his early 30’s.

Part of his job was technical – analyzing defective computer parts inside the lab, which is known to be haunted. Yeah, the place that I spend almost 9 hours a day, is known to be haunted. But I’ve never seen anything abnormal happening over there before… save for a few times when the fire exit alarm went off by itself… just, nothing that resembled a ghost or something. (the scariest thing I’ve ever seen inside that lab were dead toasted lizards stuck inside power supplies…)

A couple days ago, Milkboy actually asked me about it, to confirm about the haunting. One of my colleagues (which is also his friend prior working here) actually told him – not to work inside the lab after 7pm and told him about the haunting. Needless to say, Milkboy was concerned … and there was a hint of fear veiled in his question…

Not wanting to spoil the fun, I told him something like this :
“Well, I don’t know what to say. Just, if you hear something weird or funny when you’re alone in the lab… the best thing to do is, to switch off your monitor, calmly grab your belongings, and leave the lab.”

Milkboy then responded “Damn… can’t I just bail without shutting off the monitor ??”

I was trying hard not to laugh and replied – “Nope. Help the company save electricity. You’ll have to shut it off dude. Oh, and don’t forget your car keys, you wouldn’t want to return back there to collect it with the weird things going on …”

Milkboy – “Man, looks like I got to pray a lot to get some peace here …”

I don’t know if Milkboy took all that seriously but, it was damn funny to see his expression after that. I just hope he doesn’t smoke the whole place up burning paper offerings to buy some peace there…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 25, 2004

meeting with an undead

My team was having a very heated discussion inside a meeting room today. It was a small room that wouldn’t fit all of us, so, I kinda had to stand right in front of the closed door.

The discussion went on until way past the time it was suppose to end, without us realizing it. (In our workplace, meeting rooms are very limited resources, we’ll have to book it to call for a meeting).

After about 5 minutes past the due time, a petite lady appeared right outside the door and peeked into our meeting room (through a small glass opening at the door). As I was standing at the door, I immediately took notice of her and gave her a petulant glance through the window.

She was immediately taken aback. She then gestured skankily that she had already booked the meeting room for that subsequent hour and we better get the fuck out…

Kidding. She actually did it coyly and was wearing a sheepish smile that would make any bloke feel like putting a high five right into her face sorry for her.

So, I did her a favor. I interrupted the meeting.

“Psst psst… the skeletal lady outside has gone ballistic. She threatens to reveal her bare ribs if you guys don’t give her this room now. Let’s bail!”

Alright, kidding again. I didn’t actually say that. I just went “psst psst” and pointed at the lady outside the door. The guys said they needed 5 more minutes, and I gesticulated to her with my five fingers wide spread indicating “FIVE MORE MINUTES BITCH… FIVE MORE…” and turned back to concentrate on the wrap up of the discussion.

10 seconds later, she tapped on the glass again and gave me the puppy-with-sad-eyes look. If she’s a cute or pretty young girl, it would have worked. But the problem was, she looked like a freshly excavated Incan mummy that had just awakened from its thousand year slumber. 2 barf cycles neat. I don’t dig mummified chicks with dehydrated tits.

I gave her a slightly disgusted look. Again, she pointed here and there in random, which was something beyond my comprehension. I tried to jokingly gesture to her – “No I’m not giving up this room” – but she just could not get it.

That was when I opened up the door wide enough for me to speak to her… and the whole meeting room paused.

Skeletal lady : “Ehek ehek .. sorry yea,… i oledi booked the loom…”

Me : “Yep, we’re wrapping things up…. say.. in about … 3 hours”

Skeletal lady : “Huh !?”

Me : “I was just pulling your leg, lady. 5 minutes”

When I turned back into the meeting room, I could hear one of the managers’ said

“Kanneh .. lu kua ee eh bin … kia si lang …”
(translation : “Fuck .. just look at her face… so damn scary..”)

We then wrapped up quickly and left the meeting room without looking back. Seriously, if she were to strip to her bare ribs, we would have committed suicide by deliberately choking ourselves with our own cellphones or with our notebooks. Serious.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 10 Comments
September 16, 2004

looking for kotex

It was a hectic morning today. I had to investigate stuffs, prepare reports, attend meetings, ogle at girls and think of what to blog. Goddamn. I was so busy, that I didn’t even have the time to spare for internet surfing!

Well, one of my itinerary in the morning was to arrange for a shipment to USA. And for that, I’ll have to liaise with Kotex… if you can still remember her – she was the pigeon girl that I had blogged about many months ago. I was supposed to get a form from her, for some paperwork shits. But she wasn’t around.

I tried in vain to call her up at her desk, but nobody answered. Saw her instant messenger status set to “Away”, so, I kinda decided to continue with my other chores until she comes back. I was at it until about 10am, when I saw her status changed to ‘online’. Tired of calling, I decided to send a test message to her :

Me : kotex…

No respond. 5 minutes later, I messaged again.

Me : are you at your desk ??

Waited for a whole 1 minute and she finally replied.

Kotex : hi,

Damn. What the fuck, I asked her if she was at her desk and she replied a “hi”. You don’t say “hi” when people ask you questions. I dived straight to the point in my next message :

Me : hi ?? cheebye you filthy slut with syphilis. I’d rather fuck a truck than having sex with you! Scum

Kidding. I normally am more diplomatic when it comes to work. Here’s what I replied (for real):

Me : i am heading to your place ,.

Kotex : ok

And I went on ahead to state my intentions – to avoid any misunderstanding that I’m going to her place to have sex or something like that

Me : need 1 fedex form

Kotex : k

I sent another message to verify if she was only intellectually capable of giving a single word reply….

Me : prepare for a grand arrival

Kotex : sure, welcome

Alright, it’s 2 words. Max.

When I arrived at her place, she was standing beside her office cube with a Federal Express form, waiting for me – with her awkward posture even more awkwarder (if there’s such word). And that, my friend, was suppose to be her “grand arrival”. I almost lost my appetite for lunch.

Lesson learnt : None. Get back to work.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off