Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

November 12, 2005

what was that???

I was hanging out on a bench waiting for someone today, when I saw one of our departmental senior manager came walking towards me. He was wearing this ear to ear smile and looked extremely pleased like that. I initially thought he was probably establishing some friendly contact with another person, but it soon became apparent that he was smiling to me.

I felt strange, you know, as our relationship was never more than acknowledging each others’ presence through exchanges of courtesy nods and smiles. But today, it was all different. I took a deep breath as he walked closer … then stopped briefly in front of me … gave me a few pats on my shoulder… uttered something inaudible to my ears (or was it that I was too dumbfucked to hear anything? I don’t know) … and bailed off. Just like that.

I was stunned. And then I turned towards my friends and went “What the fuck was that???”. Nobody knew. I tried to cogitate hard about that disturbing act, but I still couldn’t make any sense out of it.

No I did not get promoted, nor did I do anything victorious for the department these few days (in fact, I’ve been shirking quite a lot recently, it has been a while since I’ve made anyone proud).

Then somebody suggested that it must be the bitching article which I had written for the survey. Sounds kinda plausible at the very first thought, but soon was dismissed as we realized that the survey result was still not released yet.

So… what could be the reason behind that simple act of benevolence??? Could it be somebody from the higher management discovered my blog and published my URL to the directors? And that manager was actually giving me a ‘goodbye’ pat instead of a well-done pat???

I don’t fucking know man… I don’t fucking know.

Just in case, if any of you management guys are really reading this – here’s a message for you:

NAAA!

michaelooi  | work shit  | 19 Comments
November 7, 2005

one thing

Somebody from the top organized a survey, asked me if there’s ONE THING that I’d like to bitch about my workplace. I was like “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????” I’ve got gazillions of things to bitch about! But I gave them one, nevertheless. Here it is (edited company name to retain my ass):

[Company name] has too many management level employees. Not only it created a void in the workforce (that is, the REAL people who actually gets work done), but also consumed larger shares on the allocated budget – limiting the annual pay increment of the middle/lower income executives. This will indirectly demotivate everyone and create a negative work environment. Sure enough, [company name] is a stable pillar for a lot of career seekers, but it is not a very good place to DEVELOP oneself.

Eg what I’m talking about : Why do we have so many highly paid managers and directors reporting to each other? They’re taking up a lot on our budgets. And these budgets are often reported as OVERSPENT… and that’s when these people FINALLY get to do something – to send out memos announcing that we’re gonna have to cut down our spending and virtually have everything frozen. As the matter of fact, we did not overspend. The only thing that can be deemed as overspent was to feed these loafers lavishly to read emails and making stupid decisions. They’re siphoning off the company resources! Why couldn’t anyone figure that out already??

The management kept stressing that the boss-employee ratio is at a healthy level and things like that… but I think it is inaccurate because it includes the direct headcounts (manufacturing operators, that is) – which shouldn’t be accounted into the ratio calculation at all. Throw a stone, you’ll hit a manager/director easily at [company name]. Everyone knows that.

Rather than having so many highly-paid management level leaders on top, why wouldn’t [company name] employ more middle income/level execs to get things done? No budget? Sack a director and we’ll have enough money to pay half a dozen of such people working for us – increasing job opportunity and reducing the unemployment rate (which is in line with our country’s vision). You do the math.

So… as a summary …

Less high-pay management workforce = more budget share
More budget share = we get to hire more talented execs
More talented execs = more work done
More work done = higher profit share and earnings

See … it’s all good and I’m brilliant.
(I’m a middle level exec btw, you should hire more “abled” personnel like me.)

Am I fucking right or what? Should anyone of you want to use the response above for any means of conveniences, be my guest. Just insert your company name and you’re ready to go.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 15 Comments
October 20, 2005

michelle

There’s this super fucked up guy in my workplace sent me a mail today. In the mail, I was asked to look into an error inside an electronic form, purportedly submitted by myself.

That’s strange – I thought… as I do not recall if I’ve submitted any electronic form in the recent months. Even if I did, I wouldn’t have left a mistake shallow enough to let that twerp discover it (aisehman).

And so, I took the trouble to access the form from the link he provided … and immediately figured out what the problem was.

The form, was actually submitted by another employee who goes by the name “Michelle”… who also shares the same last name as myself.

Yes, the fucked up guy made a terrible boner. He somehow mistaken “Michelle” … as the meanest guy engineer ever known in his workplace … who goes by the name – Michael (fuck, that’s me)

I initially thought of walking over to that fucker’s desk to ask him, do I fucking look, in any way, feminine to him ? Or rather, get him to point out which part of me that somehow made him think I’m “Michelle”…

Probably to further illustrate my message, I would whip out my dick to break his monitor screen to let him know – the difference between Michelle and Michael … would be a rock hard dick and a broken monitor screen away. But then, I figured that I might probably get stitches for doing that (broken monitor screen can be dangerous bebeh…)

So, I decided to send an email instead. Safer way to get the point across. Here’s what I replied him (in big bolded red font):

A colleague told me that I could face disciplinary action for using big bolded texts in my mail… as some people might feel offended over it.

Well, what do I care… I’m just a fucking engineer, not a whore. Pleasing people is not my job. Besides, I should be the one to feel offended, and he should count his blessings already that he still can see something off his monitor.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 21 Comments
October 12, 2005

memo

My workplace had a power failure today. Total blackout. Most of the lights were out except some of the emergency lights… and of course, the air conditioning too. So it’s kinda musty and hot in the office.

I just came back from my lunch when it happened. But luckily, the network’s still up and running (as they’re hooked to some power generator or something). So most of us were still able to access the network through our portable PC’s. I fired up my email program and saw a memo from our management (details modified to protect the confidentiality).

To : all employees

description
Please be informed that our company is having a power failure. However, the data server is not affected and being supported by the generator.

how will this affect the users ?
The company has no power supply.

business units
All employees located in the workplace.

That’s hell u’va memo, isn’t it ? I laughed so hard that I almost shat my pants. Hell.

I do not know how would that memo help us in any way other than wasting the network bandwidth. Like, it was already so fucking dark in the office… and the air conditioning wasn’t working. Any birdbrain would have been able to wild guess that it’s a fucking blackout. Now why do they think that they need to remind us employees that we’re having a blackout? It’s a wonder how bureaucracies drive people to do ridiculous things, isn’t it ?

Some 35 minutes later, while I’m still sitting in the DARK and MUSTY office, I received another memo…

Update:
Power has not been restored yet. Facilities is still investigating.

Oooh, as if I couldn’t tell… what the fuck bebeh. They sent the exact same memo half an hour later, to remind us employees about the shit situation we’re in… so as we’re not clueless of what’s happening.

Then about a while later, the office lights began to flash back to normal. The air conditioning hummed its usual washing machine dry spin tone (that’s a big ass air conditioning unit, ok ?). Then almost as predictable, I beamed at my email program… expecting something from the management. Sure enough, 15 minutes after the power was restored, the final memo came :

Power has been restored at 2:10pm. Facilities consultant indicates that the power lost was caused by power switch gear tripped.

Enlightening indeed. Had they not send out those memos, I probably wouldn’t have known if a power failure had occurred… GODDAMN !

michaelooi  | work shit  | 17 Comments
June 1, 2005

the demise of a psychotic bear

Wilson had been missing from work for close to a week and finally came back to work today. Apparently, he took his time off to stay away from someone he’s scared of – Panda. That’s right. It was Panda’s final week with the company and he was damn worried that she might go on rampage killing everyone in the office.

But it didn’t happen of course… else there would’ve been a headline for you guys to enjoy. She did behave strangely during her final moments though. She was like… rowdier than her usual stodgy self and our lab technician, Doof, was unlucky enough to be the victim of her unconditional angst.

It happened on one fine afternoon when Doof was working in front of his computer and was suddenly pounced by Panda. She started to savagely berate him about some mistakes that he didn’t even know of. He was needless to say, scared shitless at that particular moment… and decided to just keep very still in order not to agitate her any further. He claimed that she didn’t look like wanting to reason at that moment. A close shave with death indeed.

Luckily, it’s all over now. She finally left the company yesterday. It’s spring again and Wilson is now the happiest dude in the office. But I told him not to feel too comfortable about the whole thing … as we’ll never know if Panda would return one day as a completely different person to vindicate the fuck ups that he had given to her.

Like, it’s not very difficult to have her lards and animal fats liposucked to an hourglass figure, get a boob job and some major plastic surgery to make herself look like Bo Derek – he could never guess even in his wildest dream that it’s Panda. With a little tweak of an ID, he’ll feel compelled hire her back (who can resist a sexy good looking applicant ?) and give her an opportunity to ensnare him with her sexual advances.

Once she manages to lure him to a bed or something, she’ll then tie his limbs up with leather straps at each corner of the bed and start to torture the daylights out of him. Some of the tortures that the BOE’s and I came up with…

– inflict wounds on his dick with a paper cutter, then slowly sprinkle salt, pepper and other seasonings onto it.
– slowly toast his bollocks with a Bunsen burner, then only add in the seasoning torture.
– to slowly wax off every single strand of hair on his body…
– spread heaps of sticky rice grains over his naked body, and dump in about 100 starving live chickens into that locked room.
– substitute chickens with rats.
– substitute rats with hyenas.

Something like that. He paused for a while … and then changed our discussion topic to something else.

Cues in music and roll the credit.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 6 Comments