Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

January 22, 2008

job rant

I’m about to rant a little bit of something about my job. But because I am bound by the non-disclosure thing at Company X, I will have to do it metaphorically. Just for the intention of complying that, I’m gonna have to ask you to imagine that I’m a surgeon. A good one at that. My job is to cut people open like a pig, remove their organs and have them analyzed in detail. Once I get all that done, I will then have to put them back in and produce a thorough report on what the fuck went wrong. Simple.

Although I can do my job quite efficiently, some of the chores can be arduously time consuming… one of them is – removing an uterus. You see, removing an uterus is not as simple as removing batteries off a remote control or anything like that. An uterus is big, complex, sensitive and stinks like a bottle of motherfucking Chinese calligraphy ink. It is something that requires a tremendous amount of time to dismantle (first remove the pussy, then the ass, then the head, spinal cord, etc – you get the idea). Labor intensive kinda job.

Yesterday, I was given 3 ladies with uterus problems at 11am. The officer wanted me to get the ladies all stitched up by 2pm. I said “No way dude, that’s impossible” – and I explained that I needed a minimum 1.5 hour for each uterus job. And that’s about one of the best you can get from an underpaid surgeon like me – with the limited equipment (I was given only a wooden ladle) and all that.

Fast forward today, I got a pep talk from my boss, that some high flying idiot (I learned this phrase today) from another department has a concern on my work. He said my delay handicapped their productivity. When I asked what’s the deal – I found out that the 3 ladies with uterus problems need to go back to work by the next day, and they were unable to because of my delay.

I protested like “What the fuck??? Can’t they go on medical leave or something?? Or get a fucking replacement for them??”. My boss then told me that the high flying idiot, being a stupid fuck he is, felt that it is much easier for me to speed up than to ask those ladies to get a medical leave (because their medical leave application process is quite complex, apparently, and they don’t like replacements).

In response to that, I went like,
“Without a functioning uterus, do you think that going to work is the most important thing those ladies should worry about? If that is so, then they should be living with the uterus problems instead. Why bother come to me?”.

Ridiculous, I know. It’s like complaining yourself having a time management problem when you could have at least surfed less internet and shirked less, rather than hoping the planet revolves around the sun at a much slower pace.

My job can be fucking frustrating at times, and it’s not even mine or my boss’ fault. It’s somebody else stupider that holds high position. That’s what happens when you get people like this holding the rein of a certain important job function. Ma fa hai puki cheebye. I hope the high flying idiot gets a stroke tonight.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 10 Comments
January 7, 2008

the weirdest shit

My 10th year service award dinner. I wasn’t going to attend it until I saw the grand prize for the lucky draw – it was a notebook that I desperately longed for. That was when I decided to give it a shot, you know, just in case I got lucky or something. But it was a decision that I would regret later – not only did I not get anything, but I had to sit with the weirdest shit.

The weird shit I’m talking about, is a spinster in her late 40’s. Just in case you wonder, yes, she’s there to receive her 10th year service award. Like me. (But then, I assure you, that was the only thing we have in common). What’s worst, she sat right beside me.

So, what makes me think that she’s the weirdest shit? A lot of factors, people. I’ll list them out and you decide yourself.

First of all, the look. You see, this lady, I reckon that she’s still a spinster because of many reasons. One of the main ones, has got to be her looks. And man, is she fucking ugly or what. Emaciated and greenish pale in complexion, you’d think that either she’s a retired crack hooker or someone impersonating a decomposed corpse in a Halloween party. On top of that, her face is also riddled with acnes and warts, with a coarsely cut scarecrow hairstyle. As for her garbs that night, she was wearing a somehow worn out and faded T-shirt (untucked), with an oversized dark blue khaki pants complemented with a pair of white sneakers. (it wouldn’t have looked so weird if she wasn’t attending a formal company dinner to receive her 10th year service award)

Now, you might probably think that she just has a bad taste in fashion, and was not blessed with a good look and shit, and that doesn’t warrant the right for anyone to label her as a weirdo, right? Well, unfortunately, no. She also talks to herself. She’d babble things (by herself) during the whole course of the dinner. Initially, I thought she was talking to me. As I did not want to be rude, I asked for her pardon a few times – and she’d just go “bzz bzzzzz bzzzz bzzzzz” and ends it with a cackling witch laugh “eeehehehehehehehhehh”. It happened for a few times before I got really scared – you’ll never know if people like her is gonna short circuit, grab somebody’s balls (I was just sitting right beside her, you see) and bite his nuts off or something.

And then, there was one particular moment, she closed her eyes, crossed her palms together on her lap and started meditating right on the table. Everyone was so dumbfucked then. I even jokingly said to one of my colleagues, that if we see smokes coming out of her head, we better fucking run. She’s probably evoking her voodoo shit and is opening the hell gate. (I deliberately said it loud enough for her to hear it – I was just testing water if she’s pretending. But she didn’t seem to hear it). She did the meditation for a whole 5 or so minutes, woke up and continued to cackle like usual. Totally bizarre, man.

The management said that they hoped that we’ll all have an unforgettable experience that night, and I certainly had that (albeit in quite the opposite way). I kinda also wondered, what actually happened to that loony spinster? Was she as kooky as this 10 years ago before joining Company X? Is her present self a by-product of years of stress and depression from excessive work? What would be her next stage of metamorphosis then? A full mental retardation?

I’ve already worked for Company X for 10 years. She probably got kooky years ahead of me due to her shallow character or perhaps unhealthy diet. And if that’s true, then it is just a matter of time before I become like her… and that’s a disturbing fact to learn indeed.


michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
November 21, 2007

Elliot’s review

Today, my boss Paul sent me an ‘input request’ to rate Elliot’s performance in Company X. It goes like this (some details have been changed to protect my ass from getting prosecuted for publishing this):

I would like to get your feedback on Elliot’s performance for the year of 2007. It will be a few minutes of your time. Your feedback will be incorporated as a development plan for Elliot. Rest assure that your feedback will be kept confidential. Thanks in advance for your input.
1)What has he done well in 2007?
2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
3)What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)

For a moment there, I felt like I was given the divine power to decide Elliot the Idiot’s fate in Company X. This is like, a chance for me to shove shit up that motherfucker’s ass, legally, and let him have it ‘the company’s way’… How cool is that!
But then, after mulling for a while, I decided to be more sympathetic and spared him from the gallows. It’s one of the things I’ve learned from experience. Stabbing a weak retard will only make yourself look bad. So I gave him a rather pleasant review instead… by punching in lies after lies with my dirty keyboard. Told the boss he’s a hardworking fella and gave him an average rating.

But I can’t forgive myself for stopping there, because somehow, I feel that the truth has to be told somewhere. And if by chance of fate, the truth makes its way to the rightful ear, there will be at least a small chance that good will prevail. That’s why I feel compelled to reveal them here… my actual opinion about Elliot’s performance in 2007:

1)What has he done well in 2007?
Other than damaging the multimeter probe, damaging the oscilloscope holder, stealing tools from other engineers (which resulted himself getting cussed with the foulest profanities by various parties), shirking off work to service his crappy car when the boss’ not around, taking 3 times longer than average time to complete a simple job, faking MCs, exhibiting embarrassing and gross table etiquette during departmental dinner, listening to fengtau disco songs in the lab, smearing his own boogers underneath his desk/workbench….. NOPE, this parasitic sleazebag did not do anything at all in the year 2007.

2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
All the areas need improvements. But since he’s already at the level where improvement is no longer practical and necessary, I’d suggest to either purge him out of his sorry existence through the paper shredder (for the good of humanity), or you can send him away to collect used sanitary pads in female restrooms and roadkills around the industrial roads surrounding Company X, away from working with us abled people – just for the effort of siphoning some miniscule scale benefit off him as tax for breathing our oxygen all these years.

What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)
‘5’ would be a rating too benevolent for a wretched vermin like Elliot. Allow me to suggest 500. Extremely shit fucking poor. People like him should just die (above everything else that have been suggested above).

There, the truth told.

People, spare me a wish this Christmas. Please help to make a wish to Santa to take away Elliot from this planet. Drop him at the moon or the sun, just away from us.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
October 25, 2007

what is Lean?

In a vile effort to cloud its employees’ minds that they’re not in anyway being taken advantage of by having less pay and more work, Company X management sent out a campaign memo a few days ago to promote a Japanese production control ideology

lean manufacturing

But little did they know, that in Malaysia (and Singapore), the word ‘lean’ can open up to a whole new level of meaning… like this one…


A female given Chinese name (meaning ‘lotus’).

adjective (slang)
To describe a seemingly uneducated and goth young Chinese female with extremely bad taste in fashion and lower than average intelligence. Colloquially prefixed with ‘ah’ in speech as in ‘ah lean’. (sometimes spelled as ‘lian’ or known as ‘ah huey’ in Singapore)

That cinema has been flocked with shitloads of stinking ah leans since the premiere of that Para-para Sakura flick yesterday… fucking hell man…

So, what is Lean actually? It depends on who you’re asking, people. If you ask me, I’d say pay me more and shut the fucking hell up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 7 Comments
September 4, 2007

private but not confidential

The Company X management sent out a memo to all employees yesterday, that we’re all required to take an online compliance course – which is about some Personal Data and Privacy protection kind of thing – as soon as possible, or else face a constant badgering from that fat conniving HR bitch with a head full of pubic-like frilly hair… Knowing very well that the consequence of forgetting to do that online course can be more dire than a painful cancerous death, I immediately got it done as of yesterday.

So what was the whole thing all about? I can summarize it into only 3 sentences:

1) If thou saw anything oddly fascinating or intriguing about the company clients or employees, do not ‘see’ any further.
2) If thou felt obliged to further examine or ‘see’ that oddly fascinating or intriguing info, then make sure you don’t tell anybody about it after that.
3) If thou REALLY HAVE to tell anyone about that piece of oddly fascinating or intriguing info ANYWAY, then make sure that person you share with complies these same 3 rules.

Alright, it’s more or less interpreted that way. Whatever.

So, the whole thing’s about respecting individual rights. You know, keeping secrets and all that. But more often than not, I see these getting violated like a cheap whore on a broad daylight. That’s why we have telemarketers calling you and me and everybody every fucking now and then. So what good is having one firm respecting privacy and another violating it? What privacy? What personal information?

It’s virtually impossible to control information from circulating the planet nowadays. A good classic scenario would be – getting caught wanking inside your unlocked room, by your mom. Ask yourself, can you actually convince your mom to not tell anyone about it? Yeah, maybe she’d promise not to tell anyone etc bla bla bla – but eventually, the whole neighborhood will be sharing that very same secret (it actually happened to my cousin Kelv before… poor guy). It’s like going against the intrinsic human instinct of wanting to get nosy about anything.

“Oh man did you know her tits are fake etc etc? *gossip gossip gossip*”

I have been made to go through the same test before. A colleague once accidentally saw one of our fat hag manager’s (an ex employee now…) payslip on the printer tray, and told me about it. She was paid RM 8,900 something per month. I went like, “WHAT THE FUCK??? SHE GETS THAT FOR READING EMAILS AND IMPERSONATING A BITCH???” – I told everyone her wage the next day. Everyone fucking hated her from that day on. Why did I do it? Because I can’t help it. It was as if, I’d fucking bust my balls if I keep the information about her any longer. I’m sure most of you people know what I’m talking about.

That’s why I quoted – “violated like a cheap fucking whore”. Everyone knows about everything, they just don’t talk about it. The best way of safeguarding your personal data – starts with yourself. Don’t tell anyone about your fake tits. Don’t tell anyone about your illegitimate affair with that skank from Sales. Don’t fill in your real particulars in a contest just to trade that slim chance of winning a shitty vacation to bumfuck. Just don’t tell anyone, anything… Be a fucking hermit or whatever. If you can’t do all that, then I guess you’ll just have to be content about everything that the technology can do to your reputation.

Clicking pages after pages of that online training, was just another facade of sucking up to the management to NOT GET a bad review for the fiscal year. Yes that’s what we corporate drones always do, bluffing each other to get real.

Makes me feel like a dirty slut everytime I do that.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 4 Comments