Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

November 21, 2007

Elliot’s review

Today, my boss Paul sent me an ‘input request’ to rate Elliot’s performance in Company X. It goes like this (some details have been changed to protect my ass from getting prosecuted for publishing this):

Team,
I would like to get your feedback on Elliot’s performance for the year of 2007. It will be a few minutes of your time. Your feedback will be incorporated as a development plan for Elliot. Rest assure that your feedback will be kept confidential. Thanks in advance for your input.
1)What has he done well in 2007?
2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
3)What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)

For a moment there, I felt like I was given the divine power to decide Elliot the Idiot’s fate in Company X. This is like, a chance for me to shove shit up that motherfucker’s ass, legally, and let him have it ‘the company’s way’… How cool is that!
But then, after mulling for a while, I decided to be more sympathetic and spared him from the gallows. It’s one of the things I’ve learned from experience. Stabbing a weak retard will only make yourself look bad. So I gave him a rather pleasant review instead… by punching in lies after lies with my dirty keyboard. Told the boss he’s a hardworking fella and gave him an average rating.

But I can’t forgive myself for stopping there, because somehow, I feel that the truth has to be told somewhere. And if by chance of fate, the truth makes its way to the rightful ear, there will be at least a small chance that good will prevail. That’s why I feel compelled to reveal them here… my actual opinion about Elliot’s performance in 2007:

1)What has he done well in 2007?
Other than damaging the multimeter probe, damaging the oscilloscope holder, stealing tools from other engineers (which resulted himself getting cussed with the foulest profanities by various parties), shirking off work to service his crappy car when the boss’ not around, taking 3 times longer than average time to complete a simple job, faking MCs, exhibiting embarrassing and gross table etiquette during departmental dinner, listening to fengtau disco songs in the lab, smearing his own boogers underneath his desk/workbench….. NOPE, this parasitic sleazebag did not do anything at all in the year 2007.

2)What are the areas for improvement in 2007?
All the areas need improvements. But since he’s already at the level where improvement is no longer practical and necessary, I’d suggest to either purge him out of his sorry existence through the paper shredder (for the good of humanity), or you can send him away to collect used sanitary pads in female restrooms and roadkills around the industrial roads surrounding Company X, away from working with us abled people – just for the effort of siphoning some miniscule scale benefit off him as tax for breathing our oxygen all these years.

What is your rating for him in 2007? (1=Excellent, 2=Good, 3=Average, 4=below Average, 5=Poor)
‘5’ would be a rating too benevolent for a wretched vermin like Elliot. Allow me to suggest 500. Extremely shit fucking poor. People like him should just die (above everything else that have been suggested above).

There, the truth told.

People, spare me a wish this Christmas. Please help to make a wish to Santa to take away Elliot from this planet. Drop him at the moon or the sun, just away from us.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
October 25, 2007

what is Lean?

In a vile effort to cloud its employees’ minds that they’re not in anyway being taken advantage of by having less pay and more work, Company X management sent out a campaign memo a few days ago to promote a Japanese production control ideology

lean manufacturing

But little did they know, that in Malaysia (and Singapore), the word ‘lean’ can open up to a whole new level of meaning… like this one…

lean
[lee-an]

noun
A female given Chinese name (meaning ‘lotus’).

adjective (slang)
To describe a seemingly uneducated and goth young Chinese female with extremely bad taste in fashion and lower than average intelligence. Colloquially prefixed with ‘ah’ in speech as in ‘ah lean’. (sometimes spelled as ‘lian’ or known as ‘ah huey’ in Singapore)

That cinema has been flocked with shitloads of stinking ah leans since the premiere of that Para-para Sakura flick yesterday… fucking hell man…

So, what is Lean actually? It depends on who you’re asking, people. If you ask me, I’d say pay me more and shut the fucking hell up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 7 Comments
September 4, 2007

private but not confidential

The Company X management sent out a memo to all employees yesterday, that we’re all required to take an online compliance course – which is about some Personal Data and Privacy protection kind of thing – as soon as possible, or else face a constant badgering from that fat conniving HR bitch with a head full of pubic-like frilly hair… Knowing very well that the consequence of forgetting to do that online course can be more dire than a painful cancerous death, I immediately got it done as of yesterday.

So what was the whole thing all about? I can summarize it into only 3 sentences:

1) If thou saw anything oddly fascinating or intriguing about the company clients or employees, do not ‘see’ any further.
2) If thou felt obliged to further examine or ‘see’ that oddly fascinating or intriguing info, then make sure you don’t tell anybody about it after that.
3) If thou REALLY HAVE to tell anyone about that piece of oddly fascinating or intriguing info ANYWAY, then make sure that person you share with complies these same 3 rules.

Alright, it’s more or less interpreted that way. Whatever.

So, the whole thing’s about respecting individual rights. You know, keeping secrets and all that. But more often than not, I see these getting violated like a cheap whore on a broad daylight. That’s why we have telemarketers calling you and me and everybody every fucking now and then. So what good is having one firm respecting privacy and another violating it? What privacy? What personal information?

It’s virtually impossible to control information from circulating the planet nowadays. A good classic scenario would be – getting caught wanking inside your unlocked room, by your mom. Ask yourself, can you actually convince your mom to not tell anyone about it? Yeah, maybe she’d promise not to tell anyone etc bla bla bla – but eventually, the whole neighborhood will be sharing that very same secret (it actually happened to my cousin Kelv before… poor guy). It’s like going against the intrinsic human instinct of wanting to get nosy about anything.

“Oh man did you know her tits are fake etc etc? *gossip gossip gossip*”

I have been made to go through the same test before. A colleague once accidentally saw one of our fat hag manager’s (an ex employee now…) payslip on the printer tray, and told me about it. She was paid RM 8,900 something per month. I went like, “WHAT THE FUCK??? SHE GETS THAT FOR READING EMAILS AND IMPERSONATING A BITCH???” – I told everyone her wage the next day. Everyone fucking hated her from that day on. Why did I do it? Because I can’t help it. It was as if, I’d fucking bust my balls if I keep the information about her any longer. I’m sure most of you people know what I’m talking about.

That’s why I quoted – “violated like a cheap fucking whore”. Everyone knows about everything, they just don’t talk about it. The best way of safeguarding your personal data – starts with yourself. Don’t tell anyone about your fake tits. Don’t tell anyone about your illegitimate affair with that skank from Sales. Don’t fill in your real particulars in a contest just to trade that slim chance of winning a shitty vacation to bumfuck. Just don’t tell anyone, anything… Be a fucking hermit or whatever. If you can’t do all that, then I guess you’ll just have to be content about everything that the technology can do to your reputation.

Clicking pages after pages of that online training, was just another facade of sucking up to the management to NOT GET a bad review for the fiscal year. Yes that’s what we corporate drones always do, bluffing each other to get real.

Makes me feel like a dirty slut everytime I do that.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 4 Comments
August 13, 2007

greatest gift from god

I was given a task to investigate a certain failure on a notebook computer returned from a customer. Upon completion of the OS bootup, I was greeted with a password request screen.

“Fuck!” I yelled. I used to be able to crack Win2K and certain version of XP passwords with a program that was given to me by a friend. But not Vista. That was when I smack the keyboard hard yelling another ‘goddamn!’ to illustrate my frustration, and accidentally pressed the ‘Enter’ key in the process. Sensing the wrong password being entered, the OS popped a line of hint under the password entry box – “Password Hint : Greatest Gift From God”.

Greatest gift from God.

Well, hell, it couldn’t be that hard, could it? The person who’s capable to come up with such a wussy hint must be someone corny, so I adjusted my thoughts to think of the corniest answer there ever was – “love”.

So I typed “love”. It drew an incorrect password screen.

Hmmmm, he’s not that corny after all, I thought.

I typed “woman”. Incorrect password screen.

I made it plural – “women”. Incorrect password screen.

Seeing the picture of the dog there, I even typed “dog”, still incorrect.

Fuck, this is harder than I thought – I said. And I tried some more. This time, I tried to be honest with myself.

career
food
girl
girls
sex
breast
breasts
tits
pussy
vagina

I tried everything that was invented by God, but none came up as the right match. That was when I give up and made a phone call to IM’ed Ken, my colleague who was the one who gave me this case… and I got the answer finally – it was totally out of my scope.

But I ain’t gonna reveal it so easily here. I’ll let you guys guess yourself and see what you can come up with…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 56 Comments
June 28, 2007

the girl’s leaving

Tomorrow will be the new girl engineer’s last working day at Company X. Paul (my boss) didn’t want to confirm her employment after her temp contract expired, so… she’s out.

Paul did not specifically give any reason for her dismissal but, I kinda know… that his decision was influenced by 2 factors :
– some political shit that has been going on in the department.
– the girl engineer’s gross incompetency

I do not exactly know much about the ‘political shit’ myself so, I have to leave it at that. As for the second point, it is widely observable that the girl hasn’t been performing well under my tutelage. After 2 months exposing her to various practical work and process know how’s, she was still pretty much as clueless as she was when she came to work on the first day. She was like… slacked in all the basic traits one expected to be an engineer.

Doesn’t talk a lot. Doesn’t probe. Doesn’t ask. She’s just there watching… a lot of watching, no work, no interaction, and plenty of sms to the outside world (while at work)… Hence it is only logical that anyone with a sane mind refuses to retain her in an organization. So, Paul did the right thing. (it’s better to rid of her at this stage before she gets terminal like Panda…)

None of us would miss her, except for perhaps Milkboy, whom I think has developed somekind of an infatuation for her… too bad for him. Looks like he’ll have to continue choking his own chicken for a loooooong looooong time before he meets another potential mate…

I’ll probably make a few pointers in my next few posts, on job expectations and stuff like that – something that probably might be of use to those of you who have yet to tread into the realms of corporate worklife… (I’ve been so fucking busy lately that I had to reduce my posting frequency in this blog…)

michaelooi  | work shit  | 24 Comments