Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

October 25, 2007

what is Lean?

In a vile effort to cloud its employees’ minds that they’re not in anyway being taken advantage of by having less pay and more work, Company X management sent out a campaign memo a few days ago to promote a Japanese production control ideology

lean manufacturing

But little did they know, that in Malaysia (and Singapore), the word ‘lean’ can open up to a whole new level of meaning… like this one…

lean
[lee-an]

noun
A female given Chinese name (meaning ‘lotus’).

adjective (slang)
To describe a seemingly uneducated and goth young Chinese female with extremely bad taste in fashion and lower than average intelligence. Colloquially prefixed with ‘ah’ in speech as in ‘ah lean’. (sometimes spelled as ‘lian’ or known as ‘ah huey’ in Singapore)

That cinema has been flocked with shitloads of stinking ah leans since the premiere of that Para-para Sakura flick yesterday… fucking hell man…

So, what is Lean actually? It depends on who you’re asking, people. If you ask me, I’d say pay me more and shut the fucking hell up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 7 Comments
September 4, 2007

private but not confidential

The Company X management sent out a memo to all employees yesterday, that we’re all required to take an online compliance course – which is about some Personal Data and Privacy protection kind of thing – as soon as possible, or else face a constant badgering from that fat conniving HR bitch with a head full of pubic-like frilly hair… Knowing very well that the consequence of forgetting to do that online course can be more dire than a painful cancerous death, I immediately got it done as of yesterday.

So what was the whole thing all about? I can summarize it into only 3 sentences:

1) If thou saw anything oddly fascinating or intriguing about the company clients or employees, do not ‘see’ any further.
2) If thou felt obliged to further examine or ‘see’ that oddly fascinating or intriguing info, then make sure you don’t tell anybody about it after that.
3) If thou REALLY HAVE to tell anyone about that piece of oddly fascinating or intriguing info ANYWAY, then make sure that person you share with complies these same 3 rules.

Alright, it’s more or less interpreted that way. Whatever.

So, the whole thing’s about respecting individual rights. You know, keeping secrets and all that. But more often than not, I see these getting violated like a cheap whore on a broad daylight. That’s why we have telemarketers calling you and me and everybody every fucking now and then. So what good is having one firm respecting privacy and another violating it? What privacy? What personal information?

It’s virtually impossible to control information from circulating the planet nowadays. A good classic scenario would be – getting caught wanking inside your unlocked room, by your mom. Ask yourself, can you actually convince your mom to not tell anyone about it? Yeah, maybe she’d promise not to tell anyone etc bla bla bla – but eventually, the whole neighborhood will be sharing that very same secret (it actually happened to my cousin Kelv before… poor guy). It’s like going against the intrinsic human instinct of wanting to get nosy about anything.

“Oh man did you know her tits are fake etc etc? *gossip gossip gossip*”

I have been made to go through the same test before. A colleague once accidentally saw one of our fat hag manager’s (an ex employee now…) payslip on the printer tray, and told me about it. She was paid RM 8,900 something per month. I went like, “WHAT THE FUCK??? SHE GETS THAT FOR READING EMAILS AND IMPERSONATING A BITCH???” – I told everyone her wage the next day. Everyone fucking hated her from that day on. Why did I do it? Because I can’t help it. It was as if, I’d fucking bust my balls if I keep the information about her any longer. I’m sure most of you people know what I’m talking about.

That’s why I quoted – “violated like a cheap fucking whore”. Everyone knows about everything, they just don’t talk about it. The best way of safeguarding your personal data – starts with yourself. Don’t tell anyone about your fake tits. Don’t tell anyone about your illegitimate affair with that skank from Sales. Don’t fill in your real particulars in a contest just to trade that slim chance of winning a shitty vacation to bumfuck. Just don’t tell anyone, anything… Be a fucking hermit or whatever. If you can’t do all that, then I guess you’ll just have to be content about everything that the technology can do to your reputation.

Clicking pages after pages of that online training, was just another facade of sucking up to the management to NOT GET a bad review for the fiscal year. Yes that’s what we corporate drones always do, bluffing each other to get real.

Makes me feel like a dirty slut everytime I do that.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 4 Comments
August 13, 2007

greatest gift from god

I was given a task to investigate a certain failure on a notebook computer returned from a customer. Upon completion of the OS bootup, I was greeted with a password request screen.

“Fuck!” I yelled. I used to be able to crack Win2K and certain version of XP passwords with a program that was given to me by a friend. But not Vista. That was when I smack the keyboard hard yelling another ‘goddamn!’ to illustrate my frustration, and accidentally pressed the ‘Enter’ key in the process. Sensing the wrong password being entered, the OS popped a line of hint under the password entry box – “Password Hint : Greatest Gift From God”.

Greatest gift from God.

Well, hell, it couldn’t be that hard, could it? The person who’s capable to come up with such a wussy hint must be someone corny, so I adjusted my thoughts to think of the corniest answer there ever was – “love”.

So I typed “love”. It drew an incorrect password screen.

Hmmmm, he’s not that corny after all, I thought.

I typed “woman”. Incorrect password screen.

I made it plural – “women”. Incorrect password screen.

Seeing the picture of the dog there, I even typed “dog”, still incorrect.

Fuck, this is harder than I thought – I said. And I tried some more. This time, I tried to be honest with myself.

career
food
girl
girls
sex
breast
breasts
tits
pussy
vagina

I tried everything that was invented by God, but none came up as the right match. That was when I give up and made a phone call to IM’ed Ken, my colleague who was the one who gave me this case… and I got the answer finally – it was totally out of my scope.

But I ain’t gonna reveal it so easily here. I’ll let you guys guess yourself and see what you can come up with…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 56 Comments
June 28, 2007

the girl’s leaving

Tomorrow will be the new girl engineer’s last working day at Company X. Paul (my boss) didn’t want to confirm her employment after her temp contract expired, so… she’s out.

Paul did not specifically give any reason for her dismissal but, I kinda know… that his decision was influenced by 2 factors :
– some political shit that has been going on in the department.
– the girl engineer’s gross incompetency

I do not exactly know much about the ‘political shit’ myself so, I have to leave it at that. As for the second point, it is widely observable that the girl hasn’t been performing well under my tutelage. After 2 months exposing her to various practical work and process know how’s, she was still pretty much as clueless as she was when she came to work on the first day. She was like… slacked in all the basic traits one expected to be an engineer.

Doesn’t talk a lot. Doesn’t probe. Doesn’t ask. She’s just there watching… a lot of watching, no work, no interaction, and plenty of sms to the outside world (while at work)… Hence it is only logical that anyone with a sane mind refuses to retain her in an organization. So, Paul did the right thing. (it’s better to rid of her at this stage before she gets terminal like Panda…)

None of us would miss her, except for perhaps Milkboy, whom I think has developed somekind of an infatuation for her… too bad for him. Looks like he’ll have to continue choking his own chicken for a loooooong looooong time before he meets another potential mate…

I’ll probably make a few pointers in my next few posts, on job expectations and stuff like that – something that probably might be of use to those of you who have yet to tread into the realms of corporate worklife… (I’ve been so fucking busy lately that I had to reduce my posting frequency in this blog…)

michaelooi  | work shit  | 24 Comments
May 3, 2007

i’m fucked

There have been a lot of changes in my workgroup lately. My boss has left, and now the whole function was taken over by this new boss (let’s call him Paul from now on…).

A few days ago, Paul met me up at the lab and told me a very disheartening news – that I am going to get a new female colleague, who is a young fresh graduate, and she shall be put under my tutelage until she eventually grows hair all over and capable to take her own flight.

Now, any normal bloke would be feeling excited about it, but not me. For I am not normal. That’s not what you call for someone who aspires to be the greatest goddamn engineer in the universe (that may sound a little bit exaggerated but, you get the idea. And no, I’m not gay either…).

You see, there can only be 2 outcome from this whole new situation

a) you get a hot female colleague – which means, a lot of distraction going on. Loose blouse, mini skirt, captivating scent. You won’t be able to concentrate on your work, for you have a whole new set of agenda to focus on. And it’s all about maximum fantasizing and minimum work done. Eventually, you’ll start to lose out in this competitive working world and sink at the bottom of the corporate food chain.

b) you get a colleague who looks like a rat version of Michael Jackson – self explanatory. Her presence alone is gonna cause occupational hazard. You feel like killing yourself every time she stretches out her hands to ask for help when her armpit stench slowly sterilizes your sexual drive. You’ll then start to lose out faith and hope, and if you’re lucky enough to not die of cancer, you’ll become a schizophrenic and start talking to your own nutsack.

On top of that, you’ll have to also
– contend with her somewhat erratic behavior at certain period of each and every month. (read: PMS)
– restrain yourself from cussing whenever she’s around (lest she’d feel ‘offended’ and report you to the ethics board)
– control your temperament lest she sends out company wide gossip about you being a sociopath.

Either way, you’re fucked. (of course, if you have situation (b), you’re double fucked.). I’m definitely fucked.

I just do not know what to do now. The way I see it, I won’t be able to blog from the office for at least the next few weeks, since she’ll be tagging around until she becomes a full grown hen. That’s not my idea of having a great time at work (I definitely won’t have enough time to clear my work and complete my project…)

Mahai… what an injustice for a nice guy like me… *sulks*

*****

Btw, did you guys notice that ’50 most powerful/influential blogs in Malaysia’ crap recently? Man I can’t help but wonder how come some people can have so much free time in their hands. There must have been like, a dozen blogs out there echoing the same shit over and over again in span of 2 months. Like, what the fuck??? Can’t they get over it already??? Sheesh.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 25 Comments