I was at my cube working when I had the sudden urge to defecate. You know, the kind that comes out without warning and full of fart. I didn’t want to wait until it gets out of control so, I quickly rushed to the nearby toilet – in hope that the condition does not develop into a full scale diarrhea. (it was quite a distance from my cube to the toilet).

But before I could even reach the toilet, I was blocked by this fucking dumbass manager who wanted to have an impromptu discussion with me. You see, there is this one thing I absolutely abhor about the managers in Company X – is that they have the tendency to stop you in the middle of a corridor and engage you for a discussion. They never call your desk phone when you’re at your desk, or when you’re in the same meeting with them. They always do it at the corridor. I don’t know what the fuck’s with that.

That was exactly what’s happening that day, and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I wanted to go to shit very badly. But I couldn’t escape, because the manager is an important person, and he was asking me something even more important. I realized that I couldn’t just wave that fucker off so, I decided to play along nice, and held on my urge while fending off the manager’s stab at my knowledge. It took him about a whole minute – which felt almost like forever – before I could resume my rush to the toilet to shit. I swear, if I were to be held any longer, I would have farted right in front of him or worse, soil my underwear. That would have been catastrophic.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s going to help if we can have a special express lane in the office dedicated to the people who do not want to be disturbed. Or perhaps a ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ pass in bright yellow around the neck that gives absolute immunity from any form of disturbances to the wearer. Those who violate the rule, shall be made to wash all the cars in the parking lot, or made to empty those bloody pad bins inside the Ladies for a work Quarter. That’s definitely going to perk up the productivity a little.

Think you have the worst boss in the world? Wait till you read this (this was told to me by a friend, attested by a few more of my friends who work in the same office):

There’s this lanky guy whom I know. Let’s call him Ah Boo (not his real name). He’s a manager for the company he works for. Under him, are a few engineers, amongst them, is the friend who told me this story.

Now this Ah Boo, is a well known philandering married man. He’d fuck anything that breathes, and he’s not afraid to let everyone know it (well, except his mean ass wife, of course). However, his carnal escapades are only confined to the females, and he’s not a bi. So, he’s pretty much a straight guy. But unfortunately, his indifference to his own self esteem and big mouth one day misfired and sent the wrong message to his boss – a Korean guy who goes by the name Jung.

Jung, being somewhat bored in this conservative hot hellhole of a country, summoned Ah Boo alone into the office pantry one fine afternoon in pretext of discussing something important. Ah Boo unsuspectingly walked into Jung’s trap. Once Ah Boo was in the pantry, Jung suddenly broke his calm into this epileptic seizure of sorts, and started to dance like Michael Jackson in front of Ah Boo… you know, the moonwalk, crotch grab, woo hoo and shit. Ah Boo was of course, dumb-fucking-fucked, because he had never seen anyone did that in front of him before, especially a high ranking director in his organization. Jung continued to dance like Michael Jackson for quite a while before he finally stopped, gave out a satisfying flirtatious smirk and left Ah Boo startled in the pantry.

When the bizarre encounter was told to the rest of the colleagues, none of them knew what the fuck was that all about. But all of them agreed – that was the freakiest shit ever. I told my friend, it’s probably a mating ritual dance and not a good sign. It’s not normal when someone privately dances like Michael Jackson in front of a guy. If that were to happen to me, I’m going to probably beat the crap out of that faggot Korean to a pulp out of sheer reflex. It’s disturbing to the core and should never be tolerated.

But Ah Boo decided not to do anything about it, and decided to live with it. His mistake. That was only the beginning. From then on, Jung got bolder and started to harass Ah Boo overtly. So far, I have heard about Ah Boo getting pinched in the nipples, dry humped in front of his bewildered colleagues, fondled around in the office and even asked to apply ointment on his ass (I know, this is getting unbelievable). God knows what else happened that we do not know of, which Ah Boo’s probably going to bring with him to his grave.

Ah Boo is still working in the same company though, still with Jung smirking behind his shadows somewhere. Probably getting sexually assaulted as I am writing this. Not sure if he ever thought of reporting to the authorities or consider leaving the company. Maybe he actually enjoyed it, I don’t know. But the key idea is, I want you guys to know that there’s such creepy ass boss in existence, and this is not something you only get to see on TV. So, the next time you think that you have the worst boss in the world, think again.

Remember the power up technician I wrote about some months back? Well, he’s still with us, and he got into trouble again.

This time, it was his attendance. The guy has been missing from work very frequently as of recent, each time citing different excuses. If it’s not headache, it would be eyesore. Up until last week, he had astoundingly missed 70% of his working hours… and he had injured basically every part of his body imaginable. (I later found out from the boss that he has been faking his MCs to shirk)

That was when the boss summoned me and asked what should we do about that guy… you know, with me being the team leader and all that. Since the boss asked, I naturally suggested to slap that lazy turd a warning letter and had him parked under probation. With that probation in place, we could just fire his ass at our desired time… and it would be a good riddance. But then the boss thought I was being too harsh, and decided to yell at the technician instead… on the phone, and the bastard got away scot-free.

Well, what can I say, that son of a bitch was indeed lucky. Had it been me who decided his fate, he would probably be looking for a job now. With a bad record to go with it. But then, I’m not fretting… because I know, it’s just a matter of time before he ruins his own shit with that kind of attitude. His incompetency and sleaziness is growing in him like a cancer… and it’ll take more than just luck to set things right. He needs a total personality makeover and huge deal of miracle.

Right now, I think the only thing that fits for him to do, is to lie down in the path of an excavator as a human shield, for any squatter village that is bound to be demolished by the government… I think he would like that job very much (plenty of sleep, little intelligence). We’ll see.

A friend who works in China, sent his recent workplace memo over for my reading amusement…

Dear colleagues,
An accident happened at 7:25am this morning. 5 buses (Including our shuttle bus Qingpu bus station line)were involved in a pileup on Huqingping road due to front bus’s emergency road change. One employee in the shuttle bus fell down on the bus floor .Fortunately no injury.

Herein we would like to remind you all that wild drive happened frequently in recent time, due to bad weather and bad road condition. On this condition our driver will take emergency brake. To avoid the injury due to such condition and meanwhile to protect your life safety, pls do fasten your safety belt once got on the shuttle bus!

So, it seems that those Chinese people are ok with their bus drivers to drive ‘wildly’ and perform crazy ass emergency brake maneuvers, but however, are deeply concerned (they bolded the phrase to illustrate this point) about the passengers not fastening their seatbelt! (and since when do buses have seatbelts?)

That’s like saying, it is ok to club your wife with a baseball bat… but is not ok to hurt her feelings… -__-’

Remember the dumb ass Malay auditor who kept asking me asinine questions? Well, he came into my lab the other day for another round of audit. This time, he was auditing my lab for ‘unconventional housekeeping that may cause occupational hazard’.

After barely walking through my lab for 5 minutes, that guy arrived to a one-sentence conclusion that pretty much summed up every professional opinion he had about me and my fucking lab – “YOUR LAB IS VERY MESSY”.

Being a seasoned employee and been through this many times before, I immediately knew that the single-sentence conclusion was a lame effort to make himself feel important (probably a retaliation of what I did to him before), simply because he did not know what he was looking for and was too dumb to come up with anything intelligent. So I decided to fuck with him.

First, I shot him a barrage of questions pertaining his audit checklist, and requested him to define the word ‘messy’. And then, I requested for an itemized list of findings that made him arrive to the conclusion that my lab was ‘messy’. It was a gratifying experience to watch him struggle for answers. And in one of his findings, he alleged that I didn’t have labels on my monitors (stating that they’re monitors). Can you imagine how retarded was that?

“So, if I don’t label that monitor as a ‘monitor’, I won’t know that it is a monitor? And why is that even relevant to occupational hazard?” – that was what I said to him verbatim. And that was just one of them. There were many more. Some of the items he found were even from his own negligence.

After having that episode of difficult period with Michael the fucking Ooi, the guy published his audit report a week later, and copied my boss / his boss in it. In his email, he emphasized that I needed to ‘fix the issues’ and demanded them to be done in 3 working days. In case you didn’t get what the dickwad did, let me highlight this to you – he used 1 fucking week to type out the simple report, and wanted me to fix the issues in 3 WORKING DAYS.

What would you do? I did what’s best for him. I invited his boss and my boss to conduct a re-audit, which had his own boss questioning almost all of his findings (eg. dusty tables = occupational hazard?), made him look like a total dumbass and had all that items closed right there and then.

Now this guy, however incompetent and daft, is just an auditor with absolutely no weight that could cause any harm. But can you imagine, what if people like him were to be given a task important enough to be able to change your life and mine? It’s gonna spell disaster. Just like what’s happening now in our Malaysian political scene. Nabeh.