Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

April 3, 2017

safety first

What do you do when you see smoke billowing out of an appliance when you switch it on? You kill the power.

What do you do when you smell something burning after switching on your PC? You kill the fucking power.

What do you do when you see sparks out of a power supply when you switch it on? You fucking kill the power.

What do you do when you see a colleague getting electrocuted when he/she is switching on something that uses electricity? Well, unless you fucking hate him/her, you kill the power.

How do you kill the power? If you have to ask that, you ought to be constipated for the rest of your life. You either press the reset button of a circuit breaker, or if it is in safe proximity, you yank out the fucking plug.

But sadly, many people do not seem to know this simple but important safety maneuver. Even those who have an electrical engineering degree.

Case in point would be Hafiz, the new engineer who was tasked to rig a high powered power supply in my lab. The chore was simple, it wasn’t harder than copying his classmate’s homework in engineering class because I gave him a working example to follow/copy exact. But apparently, it wasn’t that simple for Hafiz, for the job was too big for his mental capacity I reckon. For some unfathomable reasons, he hooked the terminals wrong and as a result of that, one of the zener diodes started to spark and repeatedly pop. Smoke was billowing out of that thing and there was a strong burnt smell emanating out of it. Well, what did Hafiz do? One would have expected him to at least react by screaming like a girl and bail the place (if not kill the power).

But no, Hafiz peered into the power supply’s vents like he’s looking for an infectious hemorrhoid. One of the projectiles then flew out and blinded him in the process. He jolted back from the intense pain, tripped over the lab stool, and knocked his head on one of the racks storing heavy testers. One of the testers (weighted about 20kg) then fell on him, crushed his collarbone and jawbone in the process (He now pronounces ‘shit’ as ‘ffffikk’ without a lower jaw). There was blood everywhere dirtying up the lab and we even lost the expensive power supply in the process.

Alright… that was graphic enough. If you can’t tell, I made that all up. Hafiz didn’t get hurt. But he did peer into the vent like an idiot (while the PSU was popping like mad) and warranted a yell from a fellow senior to fucking kill the power already. The only thing that got hurt was probably his self esteem (that’s based on the assumption that he is actually a sentient lifeform, which I suspect not…).

But think of the scenario that I made up. It could have been a real thing. I’ve seen popping components sending projectiles as far as half a feet of from ground zero. Hafiz could have gotten hurt in the process. That’s why people are required to wear safety glasses in the lab/factory. I wonder what possible outcome he had hoped for by peering into an exploding PSU vent hole? Escapes me.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
January 25, 2017

interns

When my boss told us a couple months back that we’ll be getting a bunch of interns at Company T, I imagined that they’d totally look like this:

“Oh yeah bebeh, life at work is going to be so swell.” Or so I thought.

My colleagues and I waited for like, forever, until they finally showed up, totally looking like this:

click ‘Read the rest of this entry’ to view it, caution is advised

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
May 25, 2016

crazy shit in Company T

This coming June, will be my 4th year working in Company T. Felt like it was just yesterday when I stepped into this madhouse.

You wouldn’t believe how crazy this place is. The crazy shit that happened here. Here are some of them, you be the judge if these are crazy good shit, or crazy bad shit…:

Pedestrians get to momentarily become god in Company T parking lot.
I think I’ve written about it before when I first came for an interview. You know when you’re walking in a really slow pace and you’re like… a good 5 meters away from crossing the road? Cars would fucking stop for you right there and then. In the outside world, drivers like that would have been regarded as crazy, or mentally retarded. It’s so ridiculous, that sometimes walking could be faster than driving in Company T parking lot! I mean, if you were to live most of your life getting used to crazy shit like this, no shit that you’d be more likely to die younger in the real world because you’d be so used to this privilege that you might let your guards down out of Company T.

Fruit fest once a year (or twice?)
There’s this event called ‘fruit fest’ or something, that is organized by the management. The fest is simply an event to get every employee to whoop local fruits en masse. For free. Yes believe it. And usually the event will coincide with the durian season and the star of the show? DURIANS! It will come by the truckload. Not just shitty durians but, pretty good ones. Imagine this, you get to whoop shitloads of free durians, mangosteens, rambutans, etc, while still getting paid under company time, if that isn’t crazy shit, I don’t know what is. Shit like this doesn’t happen elsewhere…

There are game rooms for employees, where you can play console games
Yes, there are a few game rooms scattered around the buildings. And there’s an electrical massage chair in some of the game rooms (you can fucking nap on it). The last time I went there (there was a particular period of time when my colleagues and I caught the FIFA fever and we shirked 30% of our working hours off in the goddamn game room), there were PS3 and Wii consoles in there with a decent amount of games. I learned that employees could bring their own games too, but we didn’t do that. In the old days, shirking is a frowned upon activities, but in Company T, they make your shirking irresistible, and the crazy thing is – the management is encouraging it.

The ladies get to form groups of cohorts and splurge company budget on company time
Imagine your boss asks you to form a group of about 5 – 6 guys, dump some budget on you, and asks you to organize small scale events to make the guys happy once a month (or something) – with the condition that it must be during working hours. So you bring the guys to have a beer, or maybe to play some pool or darts, during working hours. That’s what’s happening at Company T, except that it’s for ladies only (guys aren’t eligible to form their own group, for some unfathomable reasons). I’ve so far heard the girls organizing shopping events (just splurge with a company issued voucher), a spa event, a pedicure/manicure/manure event, afternoon tea, lunches, etc. All paid for. There’s no absolute objective to this other than to make them happy and well greased at the nether region. Of course we guys are unhappy about this, but we get to let it out in the game rooms.

IT parts/gadgets vending machine
There’s this vending machine with a touch screen interface, where employees get to choose their favorite IT part/gadget, scan the NFC badge on the scanner and out pops the desired part/gadget (if still in stock). You can imagine this scenario playing at my workplace – You say, “I need a fucking mouse and an extra adapter, and I need it PRONTO!”, and you go to the vending machine, make selection on the screen, scan badge and POP! You get your fucking mouse and an adapter. It’s that easy. Of course, your department pays for this by charging the hardwares to your cost center. The IT doesn’t give a rat’s ass about getting approval but once you scan the badge, it gets paid for. No one is going to be there to stop you, no approval process and by the time your boss is foaming in the mouth from the bill, it’s already too late because you would’ve been rocking with the spanking new hardware for days if not weeks. In most company, the idea wouldn’t even go past on paper to even get a fucking quotation for the part.

****
to be continued.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
February 15, 2016

JD for bosses

If we were to reverse-engineer the things that Company T bosses do and write a job description for it, it’ll look something like this:

—————

XXX Manager

Description
This position is a redundant role within XXX project, under YYY organization, but you will be highly paid for the fuck of it.
Key focus of this role is to ensure the bunch of simians running the technical aspect of the project has someone to fear of, and to be the villain arm of the department when it comes to budget hacking or beheading heads off headcounts when there is a need for retrenchment. You will be required to call for meetings at the least expected times and to create redundant objectives out of thin air (to keep the workforce perpetually in motion). This role will also provide necessary hosting work to visiting exec leaders/VPs, and be able to handle last minute requests to get dining tables/golf appointments at country clubs.

Qualifications
Minimum Qualifications
You will need a Bachelor’s degree in whatever or related field
A member in at least 1 country club or a golf club.
For aesthetic reasons, the candidate must be bald or balding. Having male pattern baldness genes (but not bald) in the family will be considered.
Ability to lunch alone (due to prohibition of fraternization in the company)
Acting talents will be an advantage for this position (eg. feigning to do something important on your laptop while reading something off a tabloid news site)

In addition,
Candidates should demonstrate ability to sugar coat caustic and bad news to employees in the least offensive way, so as to not jeopardize their motivation to work. This is where the acting talent comes as an advantage, ability to realistically project an emotional distress during the delivery of bad news will reduce the risk of doubts in the workforce. Must possess effective communication skills at senior level, proficient at usage of words like Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win and Future and have the intrinsic ability formulate a real-time deceptive reply to verbal inquiries by a high level executive leader. Be able to work effectively across organization boundaries, such as ability to find good restaurants at a minute’s notice, working with other departmental managers to brainstorm on reducing non-executive departmental costs, defending the management’s reputation, et al.

Should you accept this position, you must consent to and pass an extended Background Investigation, which includes (subject to country law), colonoscopy, suppository drug enhancement, colonoscopy, requests to perform fellatio and colonoscopy. For internals, this investigation may or may not be completed prior to starting the position. For additional questions, please contact our human resource.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
January 29, 2016

why you no respond to emails!?

One of the biggest pet peeves about working in the corporate world is having to deal with assholes who don’t reply to work emails.

I wonder what the fuck’s up with that? An email is a form of communication, just like what you do with your voice. Do you fucking look back and stay silent like you’re square when a colleague asks you a work question face-to-face? You must be retarded if that’s a yes. That kind of behavior (of not responding) is often perceived as a conceited behavior the social decorum. It’s generally rude to ignore people. Doing it in email communications is no different, as it is just another form of (often) formal communication. How hard it is to just hit a reply button and type a short response? Beats me.

Some of my colleagues remarked that it could be due to prioritization. You know, the intended recipient could be working on something more important and therefore, does not have time for the bullshit. Well then, do you fucking ignore your mom when you’re asked to clean up the room when you’re jerking off in the toilet!? Your mom would break down the door thinking you must be in trouble and only to catch you with a dick in your hand. The key idea is COMMUNICATION! Just fucking reply with a note about something. You’re working on something else and no bandwidth? You could have said so!

Alas, people would just be a dick about it and won’t reply to work emails. It’s annoying and it impedes productivity.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off