Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

July 31, 2019

Untitled

Do you people believe in jinx? I want to not believe in this kind of hokum shit but, it exist. I’ve seen this on 3 individuals across my work life.

First was this dude I worked with at my first company during my engineering years. This guy, whatever he touches, would turn to crap. Like a perfectly functioning PC? It’d go haywire after you let the fucker use for a day or two. You give him something mechanical, it’d go all jammed up in a few days. It was mind boggling but, I made a conscious effort to not let him handle anything important at work, and I’d stay away from this guy.

The second guy was this Mojo Jojo, which I’d written about many years back. You can just search for ‘Mojo Jojo’ in the search bar and read all about this degenerate. Mojo Jojo was jinxed but, he wasn’t as bad as the first guy I met. Most things would go wrong, but not all of them.

Then there’s this 3rd guy. He’s the same guy I ranted about here. I seriously believe that he’s jinxed, just like the first guy. So, on top of being an incompetent idiot, this guy is jinxed. I realized since a few weeks back, that he’d been ruining our stuff just by touching it. If I were to assign him something simple/easy, it would go wrong. Lately, he asked to borrow a server board, which I have been using for months without an issue – it immediately died when he touched it (no it was not ESD damage – the CPU died).

What do I do with him? Fuck my life.

michaelooi  | rantings, work shit  | Comments Off
April 17, 2019

the principal engineer that looked like Momo…

… is a bitch.

A little backstory. Part of my work at Company T, is to develop a test with automation for a prototype product, that is non existent anywhere in this world. Although it sounded kinda awesome but it’s a bitch of a work if you think about it. Because nothing like it has ever existed, a lot of the stuff that we do, involves a hell lot of calculated chances, especially the automation hardware that goes into it. We have to wade through the pool of unknown shit before we can get our job done. You get the idea.

Because we’re not perfect at maths, a lot of those ‘calculated chances’ occasionally manifests as failures… just like those countless of rockets the Nasa guys wrecked before they’re finally able to send something to the outer fucking space. And when shit like this happens, we jump into the mess to figure out what went wrong, and fix the damn shit to put the whole thing back on track (it’s part of our job). One would think that our line work should consist of some of the smartest people on the planet to be able to pull off this kind of shit, but that’s a fucking major oversight. Believe it or not, a lot of the people involved in my project are no more than a regular dumbass that fools the everyday public.

One of them was this middle aged principal engineer bitch called “Momo”. Before I continue, I have to explain that a principal engineer is very big deal in Company T. It’s like, the fucking Jedi High Council master in Star Wars, or one of the Eminent Persons in Dr.M’s government. They’re paid like the directors, and they have the say in every fucking matter. And they’re supposed to be the smartest of us all. So, when a principal engineer asks you something, it usually means some serious shit is going to hit the fan…

Case in point was this engineering mess we’re in. In the midst of it all, this – afore mentioned – principal engineer bitch sent an email asking this question “Why didn’t you guys prevent the failures from happening?”

That’s like asking doctors why they can’t prevent people from getting cancer. Everyone who read the email were shocked, especially me, who had no clue who this Momo was. I checked her profile via the company database, found that she looked like that ugly meme character “Momo”, and has fuck tonnes of engineers reporting under her belt. I immediately knew she’s not someone I should shoot a sarcastic reply at… So I asked one of the managers whom I work with

“Eh, who is this ugly hag ah? Who the fuck asks this kind of question?”
“She’s a principal engineer. She is the boss of the [manufacturing team who screwed up a lot]”
“A principal engineer? Seriously?? How can a principal engineer ask this kind of retarded question??”
“No idea.”
“Fucking bitch”

Her email remained in everyone’s mailbox for days, unreplied. In the end, the matter was forgotten and everyone moved on. But Momo would continue to stir shit up that nobody could fathom what her intended effect was. In the end, we solved the problem, and she remained a bitch.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch, work shit  | Comments Off
February 13, 2019

what have i learned – Company T

I have worked in Company T as a project lead for 7 years now.

I’m not saying this proudly but rather, out loud to myself in disbelief. It’s a fuck of a company, and I hate everything in it. Reason why I stayed so long in this place, is because I am rather well paid there (it was double of what I earned from my last employment when joined, now tripled). So, it’s all for the money here now. There’s no heart in it… like a prostitute.

“I just can’t stand Company T employees, they are such whores”, I used to tell everyone that. Now, I can’t believe I’m employed here (I still refuse to call myself a ‘Company T employee’…)

So what have I learned there over the years at Company T? Not all the good things, I’m afraid. I learned how to fake shit there. That’s right… faking shit up.

I learned how to fucking fake a smile. I used to give people the flip-bird hard face when I wasn’t happy about something, but over here, I have to give a fake smile to every asshole I encounter because everyone is backstabbing each other over the simplest of things (if you know where to find the horror stories I encountered in Company T in this blog, you’d know why).

I learned how to fucking fake a courtesy. Like when one of the delinquent engineers refuses to reply my urgent email for the fifth time with a deadline in tow, I have to sound like I’m all dandy with him/her and keep resending the request with sweet frosting on top like “Hi IgnorantFatFuck, sorry for bothering you but, I would appreciate if you could provide the XML file for the voltage limit setting that has been due since last century. Thank you”…

I learned how to fucking fake my mental state. Like when a rookie does something moronic, instead of castigating him/her with something direct and fun like “you’re such a fucking dumbass that I’m surprised you made it this far in life. Did your mom drop you on the head when you were a kid? Or did your stepdad feed you kerosene when you’re a baby?”. Instead, I have to pretend that I care, and part fake words of wisdom to the imbecilic comrade to lift his/her spirits up and guide him/her back to the righteous path.

I learned how to fake a respect. Like when a high ranking oxygen waster wanted to discuss about something that’s retarded, I have to feign interest and pretend that I care enough to listen to his/her brain filth which they uncharacteristically refer to as ‘thoughts/ideas’… when all I think about is which tool to choose if I were to be given the free pass to clobber his/her head.

I learned how to pretend that I enjoy the company of idiots. Like someone whom I remotely know spontaneously joins me at the cafe to talk about something of little interest to me at the cafeteria and I have to fake it like I’m totally glad to have his/her company like I can’t do without, while I actually just want to enjoy my meal alone.

Whores.

michaelooi  | rantings, work shit  | Comments Off
October 22, 2018

stay in touch with reality you dumbfucks

You know in the old days, whenever we want some prudent advice about life decisions or something important, we go to our family elders – like a grandfather, or the uncle who seems successful et al. (At least I know I did that, but you get the point) But times have changed now. People go to Youtube, or randomly pick up shit from viral videos in social media to determine their purpose in life. Just the other day, I saw one such video featuring a young good looking bearded fella who looked like he was from a Ralph Laurent poster, giving sagely advice about turning one’s career around like it’s childplay.

First part of the video, he kinda did a simple math on how much time do we spend at work in our life, which I thought was going well because I’d been thinking about that too. Then came the wrong part which almost made me convulse violently. He actually asked everyone (who’s watching the video), “to quit your job if you’re unhappy with it”. The idea is, why spend time in life being unhappy with a job that sucks?? “Just go out and do something you love as your job and VOILA!”

I was thinking, oh my sweet summer child, how innocent you are still in this wretched world… (I get to say that because I’m middle aged liao). You see, there’s no such thing as being happy in your job. Not for people like you and me. The odds of finding a job that you love and stay happy in it? Is lower than the odds of you finding a lottery on the ground, and strike the grand prize. You see, even if you are FUCKING FORTUNATE ENOUGH to find a job that you love, you still need to leave it all to chance for you to not get an asshole boss, contemptuous co-workers/customers or a degrading pay grade that can’t sustain the life that you need – which would in turn make you HATE the thing that you love before the job. See where I’m going with this?

The truth is, a job is never meant for you to be happy. They’re different thing from say, a hobby or an interest. If your job = hobby, then the job takes over the hobby (and it’s no longer a hobby). Before time, you’ll start to hate it, believe me. You do not seek happiness with a job. A job’s suppose to be the thing you need to do to survive. This job, is supposed to replace whatever your cavemen ancestors had to do with spears hunting wild game running barefooted across treacherous terrains and competing with deadly carnivorous predators, to survive. It is not meant to be easy. The harder it is, the more credits you earn. How do we cope with this as a multi-celled organism? You adapt, you cibai. The key of making this whole job thing bearable, is to adapt to the hardship instead of whining like a bitch ass cunt. You learn from your mistakes, and upgrade your skills to be better at what you’re doing. Your ancestors would have made sharper spears, and added footwear to make the hunting bearable. They did not go to find a job that “they love” because that would have meant dying of starvation. Similarly, your quest for a nirvana in career (finding a job you love and stay happy with it), will be like chasing after a non-existent fake dream that people created out of sheer boredom to spice up their homemade video… which will waste your already precious time in life… if you so choose to believe in that crap.

If you young people still have that wee bit of common sense in you, you’d have figured this out by now, when I talk some sense into you. Adaptation does not require you to look for a dream job, and to compete with asshats who are much better qualified than you. All it takes is a little attitude change in whatever you’re already into and not being so gullibly fucking stupid like that. Who knows, just one day, maybe, you would master the skill of adaptation, and find the key to being happy in any fucking job.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
April 4, 2018

plan for success

One of the important things that I always do as an engineer, is to have a contingency plan for my work. If you do not know what that means, it means that I always have tricks up my sleeve when shit goes bad. I believe in this like it is my religion, and also believe that all engineers should do it (have a backup plan for your plans). I use this motto not only for my work, but also for my travels and my life in general. Shit can never go too wrong for me, and I am proud of this.

Anyway, my manager disagrees with me on this. One fine day, I was altruistic enough to share my plans for a test development work for a project (along with its contingency) with a global team of engineers in a conference, and post the meeting, my manager pinged me through the instant messenger in a concerned manner. He told me – “You should not plan for failure. There’s no room for failure, you can never fail. You should only plan for success”. It’s not verbatim but, you get the idea how dumb that sounds. I surely have plans for success lah, duh… like whooping beer and wagyu steak to celebrate it, right? But that was not what that cibai meant. I was initially confused with what he was trying to tell me so, I quipped back a shot in the dark reply to him – “I wasn’t planning for failure. I was planning to not fail. In case shit goes wrong – which it always does in engineering – I would ensure that I have a backup plan, and therefore, not fail entirely.”

But because he failed his English, he couldn’t comprehend that and proceeded to give me a lengthy lecture with his irrational reasoning. I couldn’t understand half the shit he was saying and I had to explain to him about Murphy’s Law in the simplest form that I could. He ended up not being smarter but, being sore in the ass because I wasn’t docile enough to go with a ‘yes boss’ stance and deign to make his day by giving him the opportunity to feel important. *flips double bird*

I don’t quite remember how exactly this got resolved but, it ended up with me doing whatever the fuck I want, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it (because he doesn’t know how). So, that confrontation amounted to nothing but wasted time and spending resources (electricity, bandwidth and space time utilization) for a non-value added purpose. I guess he didn’t plan for this (failure to convince me to be stupid)… and had to rue the day he was born.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off