Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

August 17, 2017

moron magnet

I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of ‘chick magnet’… but have you heard of ‘moron magnet’? You know? Instead of chicks, you get morons? That’s what I am, people. A moron magnet.

I’ve just encountered another moronic incident at Company T, which I couldn’t explain how the fuck this could happen other than the theory of me being a moron magnet. (I attract morons, or I have the innate ability to turn regular weak willed people into morons…)

You see, there’s this petite young Malay chick who just joined my department about 2 years back. Let’s just call her, PontianakSundalHaram. She’s a known perpetual PMS kind of cunt, no one likes her but that’s beside the point because she and I were alright with each other, or so I thought.

The actual fact is, deep inside her friendliness, she was harboring some mad rage about me, and I wasn’t aware about that until a few days ago – when my boss summoned me to a 1:1 talk. Now, in Company T, an impromptu 1:1 talk initiated by the boss could only mean 1 thing – someone stabbed you in the back. So, my boss broke the news to me, PontianakSundalHaram just stabbed me in the back… which came as a surprise to me because we do not interact much other than courtesy smile exchanges along the corridor…

“Seriously, her? What did I do?”
“Apparently, she was unhappy that you coached an intern in her vicinity.”
“What?”
“Yeah, as weird as it sounds, I have to investigate because she complained. She claims that you’re trying to send some subliminal message to her that she sucks”
“What the f… Do you have any idea how absurd this sounds??”
“I know. Don’t blame me, I had to investigate because a complain has been filed”
“Do you think I’m a subliminal message kind of guy? You know I’d just go to her and tell her to her face if I wanted to send her a message, right?”

Luckily, my boss knew better… because he himself had been stabbed by PontianakSundalHaram before. And everyone knows I’m not a subliminal message person, but more like a complete opposite (I had been getting feedbacks that I have been to direct and need to sugar coat my words). So, I don’t know how she’d perceive that the innocent act of me talking to an intern reminded her how fucked up she is. Tell me if that isn’t the most moronic thing you’ve ever heard. She somehow managed to turn her low self-esteem into a problem that transcends logic, and so non-value added that it took several unnecessary manhours to investigate/discuss this bullshit. Can you fucking believe this?

In the outside world, away from Company T, this would have warranted for a warning letter to get her shit together, and a yell or two to set this cunt straight. But alas, this is Company T, where everyone’s feelings matter, including morons. So after all the investigation (which my boss had to go around interviewing everyone), my boss expectedly arrived to the conclusion that this is pure bollocks and is now setting up another 1:1 meeting with PontianakSundalHaram and find a way to tell her in a non-offensive way that she is worse than a venereal disease infection and sucks donkey cock.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
July 13, 2017

dumbass hafiz

If you’ve been following this blog closely (which I suspect you haven’t been), you’d have known about some blockhead contract engineer in my team who goes by the moniker ‘Hafiz’ in this blog (not his real name of course). He’s as dumb as a rock, and he never ceases to amaze me with bloopers after bloopers (you can read about one of the events here if you missed it).

Seeing that he’s posing more harm than good to the department, his contract was not renewed and he was asked to leave the team. But for some unfathomable reasons and a twist of extremely good luck, he managed to convince a sucker from another department to hire him and landed himself a sweet permanent position in Company T. Good for him. His last day at our team was last week, we bade him a good riddance farewell and sent this wrecking ball of a lifeform off to another poor sod’s misery.

But before he left, he was duly reminded to return all the departmental items (standard operating procedure) and because we all worked on trust, none of us checked if he actually did that. Andddddd…. that was a mistake. After he left, I discovered something was missing from the lab that’s very important. For the sake of confidentiality, let’s just assume that it’s a briefcase full of spark plugs. Those shit are expensive so, I had to go after him. After confronting him via Skype, I managed to arrange with that klepto for a meet up to get back the briefcase…

“Hafiz, bring the briefcase. We meet at your building’s lobby, today, 5pm. I will send someone to collect the briefcase. Don’t fuck this up, ok?”
“Sure, I will bring the briefcase. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Simple, isn’t it? He just needs to show up on the agreed time at the agreed place with the briefcase full of spark plugs and goddamn hand it over to Igor, my trusted friend who is big and strong enough to wrestle a fucking hippo with his bare hands.

Guess what Hafiz did? He showed up WITHOUT the goddamn briefcase. He was standing there at the lobby like a dolt when Igor saw him. Igor then went apeshit,

“Where’s the briefcase Hafiz!? You better don’t mess with us!”
“Errrmmm errr…”

Igor was a short tempered person so, he grew tired of Hafiz’s shit, fast. Igor did a grapple on Hafiz’s skinny ass arm and made a Armbar legsweep maneuver on him, onto the lobby floor. Writhing in pain, Hafiz wriggled like he’s trying to embarrass himself with a lame breakdance move. Then Igor flipped Hafiz facedown and gave him a Stepover armlock camel clutch, which made Hafiz squealed in agony like he’s getting a colonoscopy with a forklift chain. Then Igor picked him up like a ragdoll and gave him a 360 piledriver onto a teak coffee table’s edge, sending splinters all over the fucking floor, cracking his skull open like a Japanese sea urchin delicacy. Then Igor picked up Hafiz’s brain, which is about the size of a rat’s left testicle, and ate it.

In an alternate universe, Hafiz asked Igor to wait at the lobby, and disappeared into the building to retrieve the briefcase – because he only remembered about the meet and forgot about the fucking briefcase. *facepalm*

michaelooi  | characters, work shit  | Comments Off
May 24, 2017

disrespectful pricks

A week ago, I had the privilege to attend a technical sharing by an expert, who single-handedly designed and developed almost all the specialized machines/equipments we used in our line of work. Guy was a Mexican-American and has a big heart. Helpful and courteous. My kind of bro.

This time round, he came all the way from the US to share his new innovation, which is way more complex, but would eventually make our life in engineering and automation very much more bearable. It was a 2-days’ event with limited seats, and not many of us get the privilege to be in it. For those of us who got the opportunity to be in this event? We’re amongst the luckiest sons of bitches in Company T, but sadly, not many of those fucknuts know that.

You see, the sad thing about this was, I noticed a lot of the attendees were doing their own stuff during the technical sharing. Their laptops were on, and they were working on their keyboards all the time (the clacking sound was annoying enough). Some would fidget with their phones, chat with each other and came into the room late enough to ask dumbass questions. I don’t know what have we been feeding them fucking kids at Uni/College, but that is not an acceptable thing to me.

I was thinking – If you’re so busy with work that you have to goddamn stay glued to your fucking laptop all the time, then why bother attending that event in the first place? Being away from your workdesk and not able to concentrate in the technical sharing, you’d bound to lose both anyway… So, why bother? Just fucking decline the event and get real. Let others who want to learn be there instead. I could only imagine how would that Mexican guy feel, to see so many young but ignorant engineers putting their resources to waste and being such disrespectful pricks. All of them deserved to get punched in their kidneys until they need dialysis.

I was so fucking mad that I dragged 3 of my teammates after the event (2 of whom I caught doing Facebook and Whatsapp) and gave them a life changing lecture. The words ‘kurang ajar’ and ‘bangang’ were pitched into my tirade of anger.

michaelooi  | rantings, work shit  | Comments Off
April 3, 2017

safety first

What do you do when you see smoke billowing out of an appliance when you switch it on? You kill the power.

What do you do when you smell something burning after switching on your PC? You kill the fucking power.

What do you do when you see sparks out of a power supply when you switch it on? You fucking kill the power.

What do you do when you see a colleague getting electrocuted when he/she is switching on something that uses electricity? Well, unless you fucking hate him/her, you kill the power.

How do you kill the power? If you have to ask that, you ought to be constipated for the rest of your life. You either press the reset button of a circuit breaker, or if it is in safe proximity, you yank out the fucking plug.

But sadly, many people do not seem to know this simple but important safety maneuver. Even those who have an electrical engineering degree.

Case in point would be Hafiz, the new engineer who was tasked to rig a high powered power supply in my lab. The chore was simple, it wasn’t harder than copying his classmate’s homework in engineering class because I gave him a working example to follow/copy exact. But apparently, it wasn’t that simple for Hafiz, for the job was too big for his mental capacity I reckon. For some unfathomable reasons, he hooked the terminals wrong and as a result of that, one of the zener diodes started to spark and repeatedly pop. Smoke was billowing out of that thing and there was a strong burnt smell emanating out of it. Well, what did Hafiz do? One would have expected him to at least react by screaming like a girl and bail the place (if not kill the power).

But no, Hafiz peered into the power supply’s vents like he’s looking for an infectious hemorrhoid. One of the projectiles then flew out and blinded him in the process. He jolted back from the intense pain, tripped over the lab stool, and knocked his head on one of the racks storing heavy testers. One of the testers (weighted about 20kg) then fell on him, crushed his collarbone and jawbone in the process (He now pronounces ‘shit’ as ‘ffffikk’ without a lower jaw). There was blood everywhere dirtying up the lab and we even lost the expensive power supply in the process.

Alright… that was graphic enough. If you can’t tell, I made that all up. Hafiz didn’t get hurt. But he did peer into the vent like an idiot (while the PSU was popping like mad) and warranted a yell from a fellow senior to fucking kill the power already. The only thing that got hurt was probably his self esteem (that’s based on the assumption that he is actually a sentient lifeform, which I suspect not…).

But think of the scenario that I made up. It could have been a real thing. I’ve seen popping components sending projectiles as far as half a feet of from ground zero. Hafiz could have gotten hurt in the process. That’s why people are required to wear safety glasses in the lab/factory. I wonder what possible outcome he had hoped for by peering into an exploding PSU vent hole? Escapes me.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
January 25, 2017

interns

When my boss told us a couple months back that we’ll be getting a bunch of interns at Company T, I imagined that they’d totally look like this:

“Oh yeah bebeh, life at work is going to be so swell.” Or so I thought.

My colleagues and I waited for like, forever, until they finally showed up, totally looking like this:

click ‘Read the rest of this entry’ to view it, caution is advised

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off