Archive for the ‘work shit’ Category

October 22, 2018

stay in touch with reality you dumbfucks

You know in the old days, whenever we want some prudent advice about life decisions or something important, we go to our family elders – like a grandfather, or the uncle who seems successful et al. (At least I know I did that, but you get the point) But times have changed now. People go to Youtube, or randomly pick up shit from viral videos in social media to determine their purpose in life. Just the other day, I saw one such video featuring a young good looking bearded fella who looked like he was from a Ralph Laurent poster, giving sagely advice about turning one’s career around like it’s childplay.

First part of the video, he kinda did a simple math on how much time do we spend at work in our life, which I thought was going well because I’d been thinking about that too. Then came the wrong part which almost made me convulse violently. He actually asked everyone (who’s watching the video), “to quit your job if you’re unhappy with it”. The idea is, why spend time in life being unhappy with a job that sucks?? “Just go out and do something you love as your job and VOILA!”

I was thinking, oh my sweet summer child, how innocent you are still in this wretched world… (I get to say that because I’m middle aged liao). You see, there’s no such thing as being happy in your job. Not for people like you and me. The odds of finding a job that you love and stay happy in it? Is lower than the odds of you finding a lottery on the ground, and strike the grand prize. You see, even if you are FUCKING FORTUNATE ENOUGH to find a job that you love, you still need to leave it all to chance for you to not get an asshole boss, contemptuous co-workers/customers or a degrading pay grade that can’t sustain the life that you need – which would in turn make you HATE the thing that you love before the job. See where I’m going with this?

The truth is, a job is never meant for you to be happy. They’re different thing from say, a hobby or an interest. If your job = hobby, then the job takes over the hobby (and it’s no longer a hobby). Before time, you’ll start to hate it, believe me. You do not seek happiness with a job. A job’s suppose to be the thing you need to do to survive. This job, is supposed to replace whatever your cavemen ancestors had to do with spears hunting wild game running barefooted across treacherous terrains and competing with deadly carnivorous predators, to survive. It is not meant to be easy. The harder it is, the more credits you earn. How do we cope with this as a multi-celled organism? You adapt, you cibai. The key of making this whole job thing bearable, is to adapt to the hardship instead of whining like a bitch ass cunt. You learn from your mistakes, and upgrade your skills to be better at what you’re doing. Your ancestors would have made sharper spears, and added footwear to make the hunting bearable. They did not go to find a job that “they love” because that would have meant dying of starvation. Similarly, your quest for a nirvana in career (finding a job you love and stay happy with it), will be like chasing after a non-existent fake dream that people created out of sheer boredom to spice up their homemade video… which will waste your already precious time in life… if you so choose to believe in that crap.

If you young people still have that wee bit of common sense in you, you’d have figured this out by now, when I talk some sense into you. Adaptation does not require you to look for a dream job, and to compete with asshats who are much better qualified than you. All it takes is a little attitude change in whatever you’re already into and not being so gullibly fucking stupid like that. Who knows, just one day, maybe, you would master the skill of adaptation, and find the key to being happy in any fucking job.

michaelooi  | enlightenments, work shit  | Comments Off
April 4, 2018

plan for success

One of the important things that I always do as an engineer, is to have a contingency plan for my work. If you do not know what that means, it means that I always have tricks up my sleeve when shit goes bad. I believe in this like it is my religion, and also believe that all engineers should do it (have a backup plan for your plans). I use this motto not only for my work, but also for my travels and my life in general. Shit can never go too wrong for me, and I am proud of this.

Anyway, my manager disagrees with me on this. One fine day, I was altruistic enough to share my plans for a test development work for a project (along with its contingency) with a global team of engineers in a conference, and post the meeting, my manager pinged me through the instant messenger in a concerned manner. He told me – “You should not plan for failure. There’s no room for failure, you can never fail. You should only plan for success”. It’s not verbatim but, you get the idea how dumb that sounds. I surely have plans for success lah, duh… like whooping beer and wagyu steak to celebrate it, right? But that was not what that cibai meant. I was initially confused with what he was trying to tell me so, I quipped back a shot in the dark reply to him – “I wasn’t planning for failure. I was planning to not fail. In case shit goes wrong – which it always does in engineering – I would ensure that I have a backup plan, and therefore, not fail entirely.”

But because he failed his English, he couldn’t comprehend that and proceeded to give me a lengthy lecture with his irrational reasoning. I couldn’t understand half the shit he was saying and I had to explain to him about Murphy’s Law in the simplest form that I could. He ended up not being smarter but, being sore in the ass because I wasn’t docile enough to go with a ‘yes boss’ stance and deign to make his day by giving him the opportunity to feel important. *flips double bird*

I don’t quite remember how exactly this got resolved but, it ended up with me doing whatever the fuck I want, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it (because he doesn’t know how). So, that confrontation amounted to nothing but wasted time and spending resources (electricity, bandwidth and space time utilization) for a non-value added purpose. I guess he didn’t plan for this (failure to convince me to be stupid)… and had to rue the day he was born.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
August 17, 2017

moron magnet

I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of ‘chick magnet’… but have you heard of ‘moron magnet’? You know? Instead of chicks, you get morons? That’s what I am, people. A moron magnet.

I’ve just encountered another moronic incident at Company T, which I couldn’t explain how the fuck this could happen other than the theory of me being a moron magnet. (I attract morons, or I have the innate ability to turn regular weak willed people into morons…)

You see, there’s this petite young Malay chick who just joined my department about 2 years back. Let’s just call her, PontianakSundalHaram. She’s a known perpetual PMS kind of cunt, no one likes her but that’s beside the point because she and I were alright with each other, or so I thought.

The actual fact is, deep inside her friendliness, she was harboring some mad rage about me, and I wasn’t aware about that until a few days ago – when my boss summoned me to a 1:1 talk. Now, in Company T, an impromptu 1:1 talk initiated by the boss could only mean 1 thing – someone stabbed you in the back. So, my boss broke the news to me, PontianakSundalHaram just stabbed me in the back… which came as a surprise to me because we do not interact much other than courtesy smile exchanges along the corridor…

“Seriously, her? What did I do?”
“Apparently, she was unhappy that you coached an intern in her vicinity.”
“What?”
“Yeah, as weird as it sounds, I have to investigate because she complained. She claims that you’re trying to send some subliminal message to her that she sucks”
“What the f… Do you have any idea how absurd this sounds??”
“I know. Don’t blame me, I had to investigate because a complain has been filed”
“Do you think I’m a subliminal message kind of guy? You know I’d just go to her and tell her to her face if I wanted to send her a message, right?”

Luckily, my boss knew better… because he himself had been stabbed by PontianakSundalHaram before. And everyone knows I’m not a subliminal message person, but more like a complete opposite (I had been getting feedbacks that I have been too direct and need to sugar coat my words). So, I don’t know how she’d perceive that the innocent act of me talking to an intern reminded her how fucked up she is. Tell me if that isn’t the most moronic thing you’ve ever heard. She somehow managed to turn her low self-esteem into a problem that transcends logic, and so non-value added that it took several unnecessary manhours to investigate/discuss this bullshit. Can you fucking believe this?

In the outside world, away from Company T, this would have warranted for a warning letter to get her shit together, and a yell or two to set this cunt straight. But alas, this is Company T, where everyone’s feelings matter, including morons. So after all the investigation (which my boss had to go around interviewing everyone), my boss expectedly arrived to the conclusion that this is pure bollocks and is now setting up another 1:1 meeting with PontianakSundalHaram and find a way to tell her in a non-offensive way that she is worse than a venereal disease infection and sucks donkey cock.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
July 13, 2017

dumbass hafiz

If you’ve been following this blog closely (which I suspect you haven’t been), you’d have known about some blockhead contract engineer in my team who goes by the moniker ‘Hafiz’ in this blog (not his real name of course). He’s as dumb as a rock, and he never ceases to amaze me with bloopers after bloopers (you can read about one of the events here if you missed it).

Seeing that he’s posing more harm than good to the department, his contract was not renewed and he was asked to leave the team. But for some unfathomable reasons and a twist of extremely good luck, he managed to convince a sucker from another department to hire him and landed himself a sweet permanent position in Company T. Good for him. His last day at our team was last week, we bade him a good riddance farewell and sent this wrecking ball of a lifeform off to another poor sod’s misery.

But before he left, he was duly reminded to return all the departmental items (standard operating procedure) and because we all worked on trust, none of us checked if he actually did that. Andddddd…. that was a mistake. After he left, I discovered something was missing from the lab that’s very important. For the sake of confidentiality, let’s just assume that it’s a briefcase full of spark plugs. Those shit are expensive so, I had to go after him. After confronting him via Skype, I managed to arrange with that klepto for a meet up to get back the briefcase…

“Hafiz, bring the briefcase. We meet at your building’s lobby, today, 5pm. I will send someone to collect the briefcase. Don’t fuck this up, ok?”
“Sure, I will bring the briefcase. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Simple, isn’t it? He just needs to show up on the agreed time at the agreed place with the briefcase full of spark plugs and goddamn hand it over to Igor, my trusted friend who is big and strong enough to wrestle a fucking hippo with his bare hands.

Guess what Hafiz did? He showed up WITHOUT the goddamn briefcase. He was standing there at the lobby like a dolt when Igor saw him. Igor then went apeshit,

“Where’s the briefcase Hafiz!? You better don’t mess with us!”
“Errrmmm errr…”

Igor was a short tempered person so, he grew tired of Hafiz’s shit, fast. Igor did a grapple on Hafiz’s skinny ass arm and made a Armbar legsweep maneuver on him, onto the lobby floor. Writhing in pain, Hafiz wriggled like he’s trying to embarrass himself with a lame breakdance move. Then Igor flipped Hafiz facedown and gave him a Stepover armlock camel clutch, which made Hafiz squealed in agony like he’s getting a colonoscopy with a forklift chain. Then Igor picked him up like a ragdoll and gave him a 360 piledriver onto a teak coffee table’s edge, sending splinters all over the fucking floor, cracking his skull open like a Japanese sea urchin delicacy. Then Igor picked up Hafiz’s brain, which is about the size of a rat’s left testicle, and ate it.

In an alternate universe, Hafiz asked Igor to wait at the lobby, and disappeared into the building to retrieve the briefcase – because he only remembered about the meet and forgot about the fucking briefcase. *facepalm*

michaelooi  | characters, work shit  | Comments Off
May 24, 2017

disrespectful pricks

A week ago, I had the privilege to attend a technical sharing by an expert, who single-handedly designed and developed almost all the specialized machines/equipments we used in our line of work. Guy was a Mexican-American and has a big heart. Helpful and courteous. My kind of bro.

This time round, he came all the way from the US to share his new innovation, which is way more complex, but would eventually make our life in engineering and automation very much more bearable. It was a 2-days’ event with limited seats, and not many of us get the privilege to be in it. For those of us who got the opportunity to be in this event? We’re amongst the luckiest sons of bitches in Company T, but sadly, not many of those fucknuts know that.

You see, the sad thing about this was, I noticed a lot of the attendees were doing their own stuff during the technical sharing. Their laptops were on, and they were working on their keyboards all the time (the clacking sound was annoying enough). Some would fidget with their phones, chat with each other and came into the room late enough to ask dumbass questions. I don’t know what have we been feeding them fucking kids at Uni/College, but that is not an acceptable thing to me.

I was thinking – If you’re so busy with work that you have to goddamn stay glued to your fucking laptop all the time, then why bother attending that event in the first place? Being away from your workdesk and not able to concentrate in the technical sharing, you’d bound to lose both anyway… So, why bother? Just fucking decline the event and get real. Let others who want to learn be there instead. I could only imagine how would that Mexican guy feel, to see so many young but ignorant engineers putting their resources to waste and being such disrespectful pricks. All of them deserved to get punched in their kidneys until they need dialysis.

I was so fucking mad that I dragged 3 of my teammates after the event (2 of whom I caught doing Facebook and Whatsapp) and gave them a life changing lecture. The words ‘kurang ajar’ and ‘bangang’ were pitched into my tirade of anger.

michaelooi  | rantings, work shit  | Comments Off