While I was walking to my car at my workplace parking lot today (going home), I took notice of a young Malay lady in this ridiculously modified Kancil. The car had a big noisy muffler, probably big enough to fit a standard sized rat with its diameter. It also had some skirt works done, which was very low… just about a few inches off the ground. And then, there was this ridiculous spoiler – it was big… and it looked like a giant shoe rack at the rear of the car.

I was appalled by it. It was fucking hideous. But then, the lady seemed to think otherwise, because I could tell from her fucking smug expression that she’s enjoying the attention. She probably even stopped her car there to impress her friends, you know, in case they didn’t know that she has a crazy clown car like that. And just to ensure nobody missed the opportunity to notice her, she deliberately left her car engine running, so everybody who walked past would be wondering who the hell brought a fucking lawnmower to work.

I was walking past the junk when the bitch decided to spin her car. Probably excited with my presence, I don’t know, but, it was right on the moment when I was there, she wheel spun her junk towards a half foot curb. I don’t fucking know what happened but, that was what I saw. The girl must have tried to drift a corner or something but, it ended going up on the curb and then came crashing down hard.

Now, as I have described, her car had a low clearance skirting. And when her front wheel went down the curb, the middle part of the car skirt sort of landed on it, and then off it went a very loud noise – KRAAAAAAKKKKKKKK !!!! That was the sound of the skirt cracking. It was a sight to behold.

And when her car cleared the rough ride, her car’s broken skirt can be seen dangling in and out like a buffalo’s dick, it was completely ripped off. She came down to inspect the damage, but surprisingly, she didn’t react much. Probably was controlling herself not to look too stupid but, it could have been that she had encountered such boner too many times to be concerned about it. Whatever. Serves her right anyway.

My lunch members and I were patronizing the cendol stall as usual today, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of a lady ambling along towards the cendol stall. What actually piqued my attention, was her hair, which was unusually orange in color, just like that Fifth-Element girl… Her hair covered about 80% of her face, giving her all this enigmatic profile. Her head was attached to a great, with a miniskirt short enough to make you wish you were shorter than Danny DeVito.

So, I gave Eric an elbow nudge – to check her out. She got all of our attentions alright, with her hair and stuff. Our cendol spoons were left static in the bowl, all activities ceased. It was like something out from a movie… you know, where everything seems surreal, with a fine exotic unicorn for us to ogle at.

Eric, being the most prolific pervert in the group, was particularly enjoying the sight… he was literally hypnotized, to the verge of willing to part with his car (junk anyway). The shaved ice in his cendol was melting fast and he didn’t give a shit about it. It looked as if he wanted to salvage every single second studying every inch of that chick and immortalize the image of her in his mind for later fappings.

And then it happened.

Eric choked. The green worm-like cendol almost came out from his nostrils like he had just caught a fit of epilepsy. And then in a more bizarre twist to the sight, the same occurred to the rest of the members as well. LeRoy had a big vein popping up on his temple like he’s about to have a heart attack. Blackie was petrified, with a very seriously dumbfucked look. BigSnake’s face was as pale as that McDonald’s fucking clown.

And it got me real scared to see my friends like this. Was that the cendol were poisoned? If it’s really poisoned, then why weren’t I affected? What the fuck is going on??

It happened to me soon enough. I first felt this sudden tingling sensation, which eventually turned into a feeling nausea, and then my facial muscles started twitching. It’s hard to describe but, it was about the same when Michael Jackson turns into a zombie in the Thriller MTV. And all these happened in the following millisecond after Eric got his epilepsy fit. I didn’t even have enough time to decipher what triggered this domino effect. Then, it began to make sense.

It was that miss 5th Element. It was that hidden part of her face. Shockingly gruesome. She has got to be the most fucking ugly creature I’ve ever seen in my entire life (up to that point).

As we recover from the shock, we all started to choke and barf out green pieces of cendol. Eric even had tears rolling down his cheek… and then he started to laugh like shit and quoted “FUCK!! hahahah!!! We’re conned! She looked like something that escaped from the chicken coop truck!”. We quickly regained our composure to laugh out loud with Eric.

The sight of that girl was beyond words. It was a classic example on how cosmetics and props can deceive even the most veteran blokes out there. And today’s experience was definitely a lesson meant to be learned the hard way – and me blogging this for the benefit of others. I swear I’m not going to judge a book by its cover ever again.

I received news that Doug’s mom had passed away today. So, during lunch, we went to his late mom’s wake to pay the last respect. Doug was looking quite alright despite the sad event. I can tell that because once we arrived, he began to talk about his stories and adventures as usual – no signs of mourning. So, I reckoned that he must have gotten over the fact and had already moved on. May his mom rest in peace.

And during the visit to Doug’s place, I saw something very disturbing – an unshaved female armpit! Unplucked or unshaved, whatever it was, it sure looked was very revolting.
The subject was actually my colleague – which I would call her “AnnElle”. AnnElle is quite a nice lady and is in her early 30′s. She got big boobies and… nevermind… irrelevant topic.
So, this AnnElle came along with us to Doug’s place for his mom’s wake. Apparently, the place was quite hot and she had to take off her cardigan – and down to her sleeveless blouse. As she was fanning herself repeatedly due to the heat, I couldn’t help but noticed a dark patch of ‘something’ under her armpit. Curious, I indirectly tried to look closer to check out what the fuck that was… and then I fucking saw it – a patch of armpit hairs! Girls with armpit hairs are always a major turn off for me. It was absofuckinglutely disgusting. Uweerrghh !

When I was in China, I almost got shocked into coma. Girls in China DON’T SHAVE OR PLUCK THEIR ARMPIT HAIRS. In fact, they treat it like a fashion or something like that. One would grow armpit hairs for a few inches and then parade around showing off their pit hairs by swinging on bus rails wearing sleeveless garments. Uwekkk… I couldn’t enjoy my meals any worst than having them in China.

So, girls out there. Please, shave or clear your armpit at least once a week. Hairy armpits don’t attract men/boys/guys… they attract ticks. (Different issue with men, because men sweat a lot… and we know ticks don’t thrive very well in salty environment… ). Ticks suck blood… and eventually, your armpit will turn purple due to lack of blood. And by then, you would have no choice but to AMPUTATE YOUR ARMPIT. I’m not making this up. So please, shave your armpit.

I did not go to work yesterday. Why? I needed to go to the dentist very urgently. Something very embarrassing happened which I’m not going to reveal here for some reason. Let’s just say, some part of my front teeth went missing, and I talk + look funny now. There is a big gap between my teeth, and my pronunciation of the word “FUCK” is now distorted.

The trip to the dentist was short. The guy was pretty sure what he needed to do and I too, was confident about what he was going to do. No injection nothing – he just made a few prints from my set of teeth and we’re done. As he will only be able to fix back the missing part on Saturday, hence, I will have to go back to work looking funny today – no choice. I thought of taking a few days off saving the embarrassment… but my leaves are limited now.

Talking about me looking funny, there was another lady I saw today at lunch who looked even funnier. Or, awkward – it’s hard to describe. You see, this lady was wearing a dark colored dress, sleeveless and with a long skirt (whole thing was actually a dress). The dress looked ok but the belt she wore was really disturbing. It was a very thick beige colored belt, and from an angle, it made me thought that her dress was revealing her lardy abdomen – spare tires.

But with a closer look, it was quite clear to me that the ‘thing’ was actually a hideous looking belt. A very big belt – as thick as a world wrestling champion belt wore by the grunts in WWF. And her’s would make Elvis looked like Honky Tonk Man. It’s really out of this world.

Pardon me but, I don’t know a lot about fashion, but this is something common sense. Some people just do not know how to dress appropriately. Belt like this only matches a rugged leather jacket or something to do with latex. But wearing it to work would be a mistake.

Luckily, I only saw the lady after I took my lunch, and left the place quickly without taking another glance at that Wrestlemania hag.