I have finally met him. The mysterious Lavatory Andy Lau; a Bangladeshi janitor who has been the talk amongst the employees. I’ve heard so much about this guy’s bungling acts inside male restrooms. It is said that he likes to grip the mop like a mic and howl Bangladeshi ballads inside the toilet.

But he wasn’t holding his ‘mic’ when I saw him today. He was busy singing to an urinal when I entered the office restroom.
His eyes locked to the small drain hole and hands tenderly scrubbing it with a brush… as if he’s envisioning himself scrubbing a Hindustan bimbo inside an MTV. He was so ‘involved’, that he was completely oblivious to my presence there..

And that was when I had this realization… about the fucked-up-ness of my workplace. Heed this..
- Our janitor’s capable to pull some Amitabh Bachan shits inside the loo
- high paying management dorks loaf around in office wasting resources

I mean, doesn’t that point to some pattern of non-conformity here? We’ve wrongly hired
- entertainers to clean our shits
- the janitors to lead our department

GODDAMN!

I was so tempted to walk over to Andy and tell him about his rightful place… that I would be grateful to have him as my boss anytime. No shit, he probably won’t be able to understand plenty of English… but at least, he’s passionate about what he’s doing. (you should check out how he longingly gaze at the urinal…)

But I chose not to interrupt Andy in his sentimental singing binge. For I knew, my effort would be futile and I don’t want to spoil his days dreaming about what he could have been. He’s much happier not knowing what I know.

I quietly moved to one of the urinals behind him feeding my dick to one of his Hindustan bimbo and be done with it. I left him a fart as tip. A heavy one.

I was with the guys at this popular food joint for lunch today and was quite elated to find that it wasn’t as crowded as it has always been. Well, that’s because today’s a holiday and there weren’t that much hardworking people like us around. That made our eat-out kinda relaxing today, you know, we got all the nice tables and got our food delivered lightning fast.

It all went well through the first 5 minutes, until a group of “shapeshifters” came in with a dozen of obnoxious kids.

Alright… you’d probably be wondering – what the fuck is a “shapeshifter” ? It’s my new term to describe those fucked up housewives. You see, the noun “housewife” is too general to describe that faction of contemptuous housewives whom I loathed, and can be unfair to those clean apples that fall within the same group.

So I am doing the next best thing – I stereotype this group of people and decided to call them “shapeshifters” instead. Why a shapeshifter? Here’s an illustration that pretty much explains everything.

So now you know what’s a “shapeshifter”…

Anyway, this group of shapeshifters… was leading a pack of boisterous kids into the food joint, making a hell lot of noise right next to our table. There were a few of them yelling concurrently at the kids, commanding them to hush the screaming and noises already. That’s right, they fucking yelled louder than their kids to quell their screaming. *shakes head*

Then they yelled more to command the kids to get to their seats and dragged the tables and chairs for a couple minutes before settling down at 2 separate tables. And we thought that was about all we ever had to endure from them but we were so wrong. These shapeshifters, would continue to yell and scream throughout their meal (alright, maybe they were just talking but, it sounded very much like yelling to me) … spattering chunks of semi-chewed food on their tables… as if it has been ages since they had any contact with the outside world.

Somebody from our group actually said that these were probably some bumpkins that came out from the nearby bushes to celebrate Deepavali, but I don’t think that’s true as I could see that they are actually Chinese. Most probably, they were from somewhere distant like Singapore. Whatever. Not that it mattered anyway.

The thing that matters is how these people bring themselves about. Like, can you imagine if I were to be some alien visiting from outer fucking space ? What would I think of Earthlings ? Their simple act of rowdiness could have brought a major misconception of our world.

And pissing me off (as a visiting alien) would probably result me going over to their tables to suck their brains for dessert out of compulsion …. and THAT… would have caused an unnecessary pandemonium in a quiet Deepavali afternoon at that food joint.

Damn those shapeshifters. Can somebody please teach them some moral values…

After received about half a million forwarded emails urging me to update my Touch n Go (TnG) card (or else it will be ineffective by December), I finally went ahead to get it done at the nearest TnG office on Friday.

Since it was Friday and nobody actually works on Fridays, we (me and colleagues) took off earlier to avoid the lunch traffic and crowd, to the TnG office to upgrade our cards – in hope to settle off the whole thing earlier and go for a more relaxed lunch or something.

But to our astonishment, there was already a big crowd swamping the TnG office by the time we reached there. Almost like, 40 – 50 people and there was only ONE counter processing all their requests. Amongst the sea of stinking crowd, stood one of our management level guy, of whom was one of my most loathed individuals on this planet. Oh, let’s call him Dildo for convenience’s sake.

“Goddamn, don’t these people need to work ?? It’s only 11.30am for fuck’s sake !” I uttered to my colleagues.

It was meant to sarcastically hint about why Dildo was there when he should be in the office at that hour. (let’s not question about why we’re there at that hour, shall we ? It’s a cynical world. When he’s an asshole, we’ll always find fault with him). But what could we have done differently about it… but to stop bitching, collect the queue number and to goddamn wait.

And so we waited. After about 5 minutes, Dildo bailed out of the office with a pissed look. Probably had some bowel complications or something. Half an hour later, he returned. But to his dismay, the queue had already gone past his number. Discontented, he stomped up to the counter and demanded… rather loudly… to the counter guy

Dildo : “The queue has gone past my number and I was away. Can you process my request first ?”

TnG dude : “So you weren’t here when the number was called ?”

Dildo : “No I was away.”

TnG dude : “I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to retake a number for the queue again”

That was when the all of us witnessed Dildo threw his hands in the air, apparently wasn’t too happy with the fact that he had to take another queue number again – because his number was forfeited when he wasn’t there. He shouted at the TnG guy

“WHAT IS THIS ?? THIS IS NOT FAIR ! I WAS OUT BECAUSE THE QUEUE’S TOO LONG HERE !!! 40 TO 50 PEOPLE HOW TO WAIT !?!?? YOU PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE OPENED MORE COUNTERS !!!!”

It was an ugly sight. Being an educated person he was, yet he failed to realize the basic decorum of queuing up for a public service. You queue and wait. It’s all done willingly for the service offered. If you’re too busy or feel too fucking important to do it, well then… sod off. It’s that simple.

But Dildo didn’t think so. He thought that 40 – 50 people was too much for him to bear… and so he took off to do whatever he deemed as more important. And then he came back with the expectation that he should be given the priority against the crowd… because HE CAME EARLIER WITH A NUMBER. Well, tough luck pal… this ain’t a fucking hospital.

If that reasoning actually works, man, everyone would have gone to the office in the early morning and demanded for a priority later in the evening. It just doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, back to Dildo… after his loud protest, I was at the back of the room chiding him (obscured of course)…

“Eh elehhhh … 40 50 people we also wait what… what makes you so special that you can’t do it, bastard ?”

His face was red with fury… and he bolted off without looking back.

So in the end, we all got our TnG card updated, he didn’t. Serves him right for being such a pain in the ass.

I was ambling along an aisle inside a hypermart when I saw this funny looking piece of twat-like plastic pad inside the computer accessories section… At the first glance, I thought that it was some kind of a toy. But after a closer inspection … I found out that it’s actually a massager.

A USB powered massager.

I was like … What the fuck !? A USB powered massager ?? Who in their right mind would purchase a massager that is powered through a USB port ? Then it came to some sense to me that probably this could be handy if a person’s tired from spending too much time online surfing porn. How convenient.

And then it hits me like a tsunami, why don’t they invent stuffs like USB powered wank machines instead ? Rollers that roll dicks in & out like a sugarcane juice machine… that is capable to milk cum with reduced hassle. Or.. or… a USB powered vibrator that squiggles and rotates like an eggbeater, mixing a batter of smegma deep from within. All that from the convenience of your PC’s USB port. I’m sure those things are gonna sell like hot cakes ! No shit !

Ridiculous as it may sound but there has been a lot of gadgets nowadays that are being powered through the USB. It’s like a fad now.

USB powered reading lights (no shit, it’s so dark and you could not see your screen…), USB powered fan, USB powered charger, …USB powered this … USB powered that.

The key idea is, to use your USB port to do something that has no absolute relevance to computing at all. Like, it’s so cool to be able to software control to boil your mug of coffee through the USB port. Doesn’t matter if it takes the whole day to do it.

This is so damn crazy, and so wrong.

I was having my lunch with the guys at a food court when I saw this lady wearing a miniskirt prancing towards our direction. She was doing that type of walk deliberately made to inflict maximum amount of jerk, so to cause the ‘bouncing’ effect. Her head was held high to maintain her cool…

I was needless to say, watching. Not because she’s hot or something, but because I was curious. I was curious how she managed to get such a high confidence when she’s looking so catastrophic like that. Flabby, saggy, and because she tilted her head so high, I managed to even notice that she had an abnormally protruding jowl like a caveman’s. Simply amazing.

I continued to hoover my bowl of noodles, totally disregarding her catwalk of fame. But just as she was walking past beside me (just a couple inches away)… she suddenly gave out a yelp and I saw her skidding through the floor, maintaining her balance in the process, her hands flailing all over the place.

Apparently, because she held her head too up high, she didn’t notice that there’s a puddle of greasy water on the floor. And the next thing she knew, she’s skiing right in the middle of a scorching hot day. But that fat piece of tumor was good, she managed to balance herself up without falling, which was kinda amazing in the whole sense. She must be a gymnast during her youth (which was probably dated wayyy back when the Japanese was busy campaigning their invasion to the south riding on bicycles…)

Just as I was stifling myself from cracking up, my colleague Wilson who also noticed the whole blooper, said to me

Wilson : “Hahahh! Too bad she didn’t fall to give you a tight hug…”

That was a blatant effort of him to spoil my day.

Me : “Damn, up yours lah ! Did you see how she looked like and how she condescendingly walked ? She looked like that ..that … ancient caveman skull they dug from China … I forgot the name”

My colleague TC was the more scholarly one, he remembered the name,

TC : “Hahahh… Peking-man.”

Me : “Yeah yeah ! Peking-man ! Peking-bitch perhaps. I wonder why those scientist are wasting so much effort and money on archeology… when we got a live one roaming around freely in our Malaysian society like this …”

And I just happened to see one doing a live acrobatic balancing in front of me. Simply priceless.

Lesson to be learnt : ALWAYS WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!