I’m sure most people have heard of the chain restaurant called ‘Kim Gary’. At least, most Ah Beng or Ah Lian yuppies do. It’s their favorite joint to be seen with a friend or two. During the weekends, you’d see these speshial peepel flocking to a ‘Kim fucking Gary’ at any time of the day, as if they’re giving away free meals (ironically, more expensive but mediocre food).

I’ve only been to a Kim Gary twice. The first visit wasn’t a fond one, because I did not enjoy the spicy noodle something something very much. It was expensive and too bland for me. The second visit was the other day, which also sucked for me – because the spicy noodle something something (another variant), was nothing more than a bowl of instant noodles garnished with shit I didn’t enjoy, for a premium price. But that wasn’t the highlight of the day. The highlight of the day, was this survey form. (note: will launch a new window upon clicking).

Excuse the bad scan but, can you see what’s wrong there?

If you don’t, well, let me list out the questionnaire on the survey form for you here (my comment in parentheses under each question)-

1. Did our staff welcome you upon arrival to kim gary?
(no comment on this)

2. Did our staff seat you probably?
(‘Properly’, not probably. wtf.)

3. Did our staff take your order immediately?
(no comment on this)

4. Were our staffs knowledgeable on the menu?
(Only on the menu? On the floor leh? Should be ‘Knowledgeable about the menu’)

5. Did our staff recommend you to try out our new menu?
(I guess the new menu’s cardboard material must be more delicious…)

6. Did our staff attentive to your needs?
(‘Were’ our staff…)

7. Staff is friendly?
(I guess this is the best question in the whole questionnaire)

8. Staff is helpful?
(Redundant question but, second best in the lot)

9. Staff is efficient?
(Excessive use of information transfer on paper, bills and complex menu selection. Answer is ‘fuck no’)

10. Staff is highly professional?
(They yell everytime someone enters the restaurant (see question 1), and none of the staff wears a cap. Answer is ‘fuck no’)

11. How is the appearance of the staff?
(no comment, but it doesn’t sound right)

12. Did the staff served the meal accurately?
(Should be ‘Did the staff serve’… but the correct way should be ‘Were your orders served correctly?’)

13. How would you rate for the food preparation time taken to be served?
(Should be ‘How would you rate the time taken for the food to be prepared and served?’)

14. How is the temperature of the food we served?
(Eh… present tense balik pulak)

15. Is Kim Gary staff good in service?
(Wtfff)

16. Do you need to take a long queue when billing?
(No I do not need that, thanks. wtfff)

17. When billing, did our staff request any Kim Gary member card or discount voucher to remind you to enjoy our discount?
(Wtf)

Can you believe it? Kim Gary being such an established chain restaurant brand, doesn’t even bother about hiring someone who can write in proper (or decent enough) English. Fucking greedy capitalist jerk offs.

When someone mentions the animal – ‘rat’, the first picture that comes to mind is usually a timid animal that dwells in a dark filthy alley somewhere sucking shit. But what I saw the other day, did not conform to the impression that of a rat. I saw a rat, yes, but it wasn’t just any normal rat. It’s a wuxia rat.

Now, if you’re not familiar with the term, wuxia is actually a word to describe a genre of fictional realm of Chinese kungfu with supernatural abilities like levitating, flying etc. It’s just like being the Jedis, with the flippings and stuff, but way cooler and is set in the medieval Chinese times. If you’ve watched a lot of swordsmen movies in the 90′s, you should know what I’m talking about.

So, I saw a fucking wuxia rat. I was walking past the pantry at the busiest time of the office hour when it happened. It was as big as a size 11 Reebok sneaker (minus the tail) and it was walloping a pack of koay teow soup (or it could be washing its balls with the soup, I couldn’t really tell) left by one of the obnoxious fat office hag whom I didn’t like very much. I wasn’t scared or anything but, more like, astonished to what it was doing. I mean, it had to be the boldest motherfucking of a rat to be doing some raiding job at the pantry at that hour, not to mention about it being able to get up on that table.

That table must be like, 4 to 5 times the height of it standing up, with a few chairs nearby that were at least twice its height. So how did it get up on that table? It must have been an equivalent to a human leaping 1.5 stories high, just to get to another 1.5 stories above it. I didn’t know rats can do that! I thought that kind of feat can only be achieved by cats! It then noticed me as I got closer, and then WHOOOOOP! It leapt into a gap behind a cabinet nearby, which was located about 6 – 7 feet away from that table. By that time, I was already so damn impressed, that I had to flag a nearby female office clerk to witness the anomaly of nature, who strangely, obliged to my request (hey, wanna see a rat raiding some office aunty’s lunch?).

When we slowly approached the area, the wuxia rat then made its appearance again, whipped out its dick and started jacking off. Alright I was kidding. It did jump out, had a one touch on the table, made a Michael Jordan air surf, another one touch on the back of a chair and POOFFFF, it disappeared into a bunch of plastic containers at a communal area near the microwave oven. The supernatural athletic feat by that rat exuded so much awesomeness, that it sent the office clerk immediately up on the office chair and me with a gaping mouth.

I asked the office clerk not to tell the bitch who owned the koay teow soup about the rat teabagging her lunch, but the office clerk had a conscience and told her anyway. It would have been fun to see her discovering that her lunch tasted like rat balls.

Isn’t it sad when you don’t have eyebrows? It is no doubt that despite not having a technical function, our eyebrows actually play an important part in our facial expression. It’s not like we’re totally not able to express ourselves without eyebrows but, it’s just that we’re not able to do it that well. Think of it like, a home theater without an amplifier. It would just suck to the core.

There is an engineer in my workplace who has no eyebrows. Not a single strand of hair. And that kind of makes him look a little bit awkward because it kind of gives an impression that he’s surprised all the time. I felt really bad for that guy. If one’s bald, at least the guy can do a comb-over, put on a wig or at least a fucking toupee or something. But without eyebrows, you’re like, permanently fucked. You can probably tattoo or draw some fake eyebrows to offset the handicap, but that’s going to make you look queerish, which – depending on where you live – can be a mistake worst than death.

So, I guess I’m going to have to cut that poor fucker some slack by scolding him less. The guy without eyebrows. God… what had he done to deserve that.

I don’t know what’s the fucking deal with the ladies nowadays. Just the other day, I saw some clerk in the office sporting 10 fingers full of hideous fingernails. I think they’re called pedicures or something. The lady that I saw, had her fingernails grown long, trimmed in rectangular shape, painted blue and emblazoned with some pink stripes. And there were also fake diamonds embedded on each of them (I think they were super-glued on). I was kinda dealing with her about some work stuff, and throughout the short conversation I had with her, I couldn’t concentrate at all, but to only think how fucking hard I’m going to punch her if she ever touches me with that set of fingernails.

I don’t understand why would anyone do anything like that to their fingernails. I mean, it’s generally ok to file or keep one’s fingernails clean, but this is definitely overdoing it. That set of fingernails weren’t pleasant looking at all. Come to think of it, it kinda reminds me of the fingernails on most she-males (ah kua) I saw at Thailand. So, if this is all about enhancing her looks, then this must have failed so miserably. Also, not to mention that the long fingernails are likely going to hinder her typing speed too. Like, if she could type 100 words an hour, she’s probably going to only make 90 with those hideous nails. That’s 10% reduced efficiency, probably more. I was thinking, how ironic this is – here we engineers are pressured hard to cut all corners to improve efficiency by the digits, and this lady here could just easily reverse everything by having a stupid pedicure.

And then there’s also the hazard factor. The nail polish could be unsafe for use. I mean, how do we know if the shop that does the pedicure uses some cheap contraband nail polish imported from China that contains poisonous heavy metal like lead (widely used as coloring elements)? People will do anything to save costs. The lead (Pb) could be easily absorbed through the nail groove when it is wet. When dry, it could just be chafed off the surface in the form of microscopic dust when she scratches her worn out beef jerky-ish poontang, and the Pb dust goes into her reproductive system from the bottom up. And we all know Pb poisoning could retard a person’s IQ… so that kinda explains why there are so many blur bitches in our office. To summarize, it is expensive, high risk, kills efficiency and downright ugly. So, why the fuck do they still do it?

Crazy world we live in.

It’s true that men are becoming pussies.

I was at a restaurant today having my breakfast, when I saw an uninvited guest came ambling in. A stray female cat (no balls, had to be a female). One of the restaurant helpers, a scrawny Indian bloke (let’s call him Appu for conveniences’ sake), was given the simple task by the manager, to evict the animal from the premise. Now, this would have been a simple task for virile men like you and me. But for Appu, he had a problem. He looked as if he was given the task to diffuse an armed nuclear warhead!

Appu literally stood there for about 20 – 30 seconds, before he decided to pinch that flab of skin behind the cat’s neck to haul its ass out of the restaurant. But because the cat was quite big, the ‘grab’ didn’t quite hold, and the cat didn’t even leave ground. Instead, for some strange fucking reasons, the cat became somewhat aroused and then lolled promiscuously to its side like it was expecting Appu to give it an oral sex or something… and started to purr softly. Appu then became confused because he expected hostility from the animal, but instead he found an unlikely suitor in match, which probably was considered an epic regression from even the tragic bride his mother chose for him back in India.

So the whole thing comically repeated for like, half a dozen times, with each time the cat becoming more and more aroused. If the cat could speak, it would have said “Oh yeessss come fuck me bebeh!!”. I almost barfed out my breakfast from the severe gagging. But eventually, Appu managed to drag the cat-in-heat out of the restaurant, with a choke hold rather than a pinch of skin. Not really a good way to treat a lover, but nevertheless entertaining, albeit in a pussy kind of way.

If you’re somewhat like Appu, scared of any four limbed animal bigger than the size of an apple, you should probably just contemplate to undergo a sex change operation at Thailand. Or, you can use the PCK maneuver.

1) P for Position with left foot (or right) next to the cat.
2) C for Cock back the other foot.
3) K for Kick, as hard as you can.

The result will be – a confused feline achieving flight at high velocity without the aid of wings or technology, out of the unwanted area, of course.

And I mistakenly thought people from India are tough or something, with the violent fighting and stunts in their action movies and whatnots…