Archive for the ‘traffic shit’ Category

March 3, 2006

road hogging

Can somebody fucking tell me, why would anyone in their right mind drives his junk at 30 kph on a perfectly straight road, hogging up the traffic like the whole world revolves around him?

What could be the most plausible reason behind this deplorable act?

I was unfortunate enough this morning to encounter a Malay guy who drives like this. I was right behind his Gen-2… which was alternating between 20kph and 30kph… motherfuckedly jamming the whole road up.

It took me a quite a distance before I was able to overtake him, because the opposite traffic was kinda busy. Damn frustrating. And when I finally managed to overtake that bastard, I spared no mercy and blared my air horn right into his wound down window screen from the side… jolting him up. This was followed by a reflex of yanking his car into the inner lane, and then back onto the main road. He then returned my courtesy with his pathetic ice-cream van honk …

I was surprised that he even had the audacity to do that. He probably thought I was an asshole road bully and he was all innocent. Well, maybe I am, but at least I’m an asshole who doesn’t fucking jam up the whole road driving like some sloth with a big cavity inside the head.

Morons. They screw up your mood, blood pressure and cholesterol…

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 16 Comments
October 18, 2005

RUI

I’m sure many of you people have heard of DUI. That’s “Dive Under It” – which literally means, you shove your head under some skirt to eat somebody’s clam. o_O

Kidding.

That’s “Driving Under Influence” (of alcohol, not of your PMS or whatsoever shit). It’s dangerous, you know, when you’re driving inebriated … as you might mistaken a bunch of housewives as a bevy of pigeons, which somehow at that particular state of mind, makes you think it is amusing to plow your junk into them. That’s when something unfortunate happens.

But in Malaysia, we have another hybrid of “under influences” that’s almost as deadly as DUI itself – RUI. That’s “Riding Under Influence”. You know instead of a car ? The drunkard would ride on a motorcycle.

The difference between DUI and RUI
DUI = The drunk gets charged in court after smoking them innocent people.
RUI = Everyone fucking dies including the spongebob who rides the bike.

So, it’s kinda like a kamikaze situation here when there’s some fucktard trying to ride a bike after getting zonked real bad. It’s not like a rare sight either – ask yourself, how many times have you seen some old Indian bozo riding his bike in a zigzag manner on a perfectly straight road ? Countless of times (well, at least in Penang…). And these people, sometimes may end up dunked inside a drain, clogging the drainage system which in turn, allowing mosquitoes to breed and fucking get us all shitload of dengues. (that’s a wild idea but you get the point).

I myself had an encounter with these dangerous RUI motherfuckers before when I was a teenager. Here’s the story to give you people an idea about the danger of Riding Under Influence… :

It occurred on the wee hours on Christmas day and I was heading back to a party location after refueling my bike. Halfway through the journey, I was brushed by this fast motorcycle with a screaming pillion rider on it. “Merry Christmas Wooooo!” he yelled. There was a contact… and almost made me lost control of my bike into a nasty ditch. But I was good, I managed to regain control of the bike and stayed put. Of course, my subsequent reflex was to cuss out loud after balancing my wobbling bike back on its course (don’t ask, that seemed to be the most practical thing to do at that particular moment).

“I HOPE YOU FUCKERS RIDE INTO A TRUCK TONIGHT #$%^&*() !!!”

You know what ? They did ride into something. Not a truck though, but a car driven by some chick exiting an apartment at a high speed curve. I didn’t learn about that until I was negotiating that curve myself – saw both the rider and pillion lying on the middle of the road like dead rats.

I was stunned, you know, realizing that something I had just cursed a few seconds earlier came true before my eyes. Part of me was feeling real ecstatic about it, but another part of me was feeling like I’ve just done something terrible. Soon, the compunction took over me and I stopped my bike to lend some help.

The first guy was the pillion rider (yes, that noisy Santa Claus). It was a Malay bloke and he was totally unconscious. I checked his pulse, he’s not dead. There was a strong smell of alcohol about him (ironic isn’t it? I thought they’re forbidden to consume…). I then moved that dickhead and flung him off like a ragdoll onto the side of the apartment guardhouse. (he was too “sleepy” to even complain…).

I then ran to the rider and tried to move him – but that guy let out a soft groan and said “Sakit …Sakit…” while holding his leg. I checked on his leg and found that it was broken like a matchstick right at the middle of his shin. I ignored him and tried to move him again. This time, he let out a louder groan “Sakit… sakit”. Like his partner, he smelt of alcohol as well. That was when I snapped

“HOI !! APSAL TADI RACING MACAM ORANG GILA MIA TIME TARAK SAKIT ??? PUKIMAK CHEEBYE LU ORANG!!!”

I moved him nevertheless, totally disregarding his complain about his broken leg. Like his partner, I flung him off to land hard on the cement floor at the guardhouse. He went quite content after that and I looked across the road – only to see that stunned lady standing beside her semi wrecked Toyota. She didn’t do anything but stood there like morgue pillar. I then issued an order to the guard (with an attitude) to call for an ambulance and I bailed off the place with a story to tell.

Some of my friends said (after I relived the story to them) that I could have crippled the rider’s leg for moving him around like that. But think about it, if it wasn’t me moving them off the road, they could have got themselves ran over by any oncoming vehicle at that high speed curve. (that time was about 3 – 4 am, but there could be garbage trucks moving around at that hour). The only thing that I regretted that night, was that I didn’t take the opportunity to bitch slap both of them motherfuckers (or at least piss on them). Blame it on my inexperience, I was too shaken to do anything cool (still teenager maa…).

So there you have it. A real life encounter with a couple of RUI fools. Always remember, do not ride (or drive) when you’re drunk. Push your bike home if necessary… or just crash at a nearby toilet.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 18 Comments
October 11, 2005

the cauliflower factor

I was driving back from lunch with the guys yesterday, when I found myself tailing behind this Proton Saga doing 40 kph on the freeway. It was moving right between the express lane and the inner lane – and kinda hogged the whole traffic up.

“What the fuck man ! people like this ought to be put to sleep !” I huffed to the guys.

From my car, I could see the silhouette of the driver’s head against the glaring bright background of the tarmac – to be of a housewife’s. You know, their trademark cauliflower hairstyle ? If a fly were to crash into that thicket of intertwined network of permed hairs, that insect’s not gonna make it out alive. And for some really extreme case, could even be a perfect sanctuary for Aedes mosquitoes. (That explains why all these fogging efforts by the gahmen have been so ineffective …)

“Another housewife driver… Goddamn !”

I was so tempted to trigger my super loud air horn to flip that sucker aside, but my conscience told me, that I shouldn’t. That’s because we’re all now in the holy month of Ramadhan, and some Chinese festival thingy. We’re not supposed to be mean to animals and all that. So, I kept my composure and didn’t blast that inconsiderate schmuck off… but to wait until the bottle neck clears into a 3 laner, and floored the accelerator to overtake her.

Then I took my car to where I could scornfully glower at that housewife right across from my passenger screen to her right side, but to my sheer dumbfuckedness, that driver wasn’t actually a housewife ! It was a Malay bloke with a Phua Chu Kang hairstyle !

That guy was having a jolly time inside his car bobbing his head, probably listening to some shitty music, oblivious to the assload of congestion he had induced behind him. A real motherfucking jerk. I was hoping that he’d look over at us bunch of people so that I could give him a finger or something, but he was too busy drifting into his own space right in that car.

If only I can extend a wrench up his ass… I couldn’t, so I sped off. (don’t ask me why I didn’t honk his ass, I don’t know why either…)

Seriously, I’m beginning to suspect this is a hairstyle thing. Like, once one dons a hairstyle like that, his/her driving skill will drop to a level comparable to someone who’s having a terminal stage of Alzheimers.

So….guys, if by any means your hair is shaped like a cauliflower or resembled something like an afro, put your head into the nearest toilet bowl, flush it wet, and shave it all off.
(Or we can ask the authorities to outlaw cauliflower hairstyle… if you’re caught with one, you’re gonna get your license suspended for 14 months…)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 18 Comments
August 25, 2005

SLK bitch

One of the 2 Touch n Go lanes was closed today. As a result of that, there was a long congestion of vehicles squeezing for the remaining one automatic lane exit (to the bridge). So, there were like 2 lanes merging into 1. Nobody was too happy about that and god knows how many innocent parents’ names and cusses were summoned right at that very moment.

But I managed to keep my cool about it and slowly maneuvered my Lorraine to the merging point. Just as I was about to enter the toll booth… suddenly an inconsiderate SLK (Small Little Kelisa) sped through the SmartTag express lane and attempted to illegally shove itself into the queue I was in. Yes, it was a lady driver. Porcine bitch in her late 20’s wearing an absurd oversized JLo sunglasses.

The car in front of me refused to give in but that SLK was already halfway across in front of me. Not wanting to risk scratching/denting my car against that heap, I gave way and let it jump into the queue. But of course… I didn’t let her in ‘just like that’. I graced the fucking bitch with my air horn while she’s at it.

I could see the result almost immediately… and she wasn’t too happy about that. She flailed her arms as if a bee had just stung her clit and was irrationally screaming inside her car. She was like… madddd. But too bad I could not hear what she was yelling about (if only she realized that…).

As if she had the right of passage to barge through any traffic jam queues anywhere on this planet.

Bah !

Knowing that she’s looking at me through her rear view mirror, I showed her an internationally recognized middle finger greeting. And she got even more excited after that. It was a sight to behold.

Later when we were on the bridge, I caught up with her car and took a good look at her… Here’s what I managed to observe:

1) She had a Snoopy sticker on her fuel door.
2) She had a menagerie of soft toys hanging around her screen.
3) She looked like a fire hydrant.

I glowered at her through her side passenger screen and gave her a few short burst of my honk, beckoning her to look over. I was gesticulating at her with my hand to show her the snapping muzzle of a barking dog (insinuating that she’s a bitch). But too bad, she didn’t. She kept her rigid posture trying to ignore me. (But I think she might had actually stole a couple of glances through her oversized sunglasses)

Oh well, what the fuck. She probably thought I might be some savage dude on my way to rob a bank or something… and decided not to mess with me. (ironically, she looked like a really hungry disgruntled cannibal earlier…).

Wackos… they’re everywhere.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 28 Comments
July 11, 2005

‘nice’ people

Some very nice people I met through the weekend …

*****

Emily & I just had our dinner and decided to hit Watson’s to shop for some stuff. We walked in, got what we want and came to a short queue of payout. There was a couple before us and we could see that the cashier was already checking their goods (sanitary napkins and other shits).

But halfway through her checkout, the girl suddenly strayed off from the cashier to check out some shampoos on a shelf nearby. She gesticulated the cashier to ‘wait..wait’. Thought that she just had an item missing, the cashier complied and waited.

A few minutes passed, but she was still standing there unable to decide which shampoo she liked best. The whole store was waiting for that bitch… to decide whether her fucking shampoo contains any PH balanced biochemical that could somehow rid her of those blood sucking afids on her hair… or whether it smelled any nicer than her yuppie boyfriend’s protein enriched pubic sweat glands …

The queue then grew longer, and there were impatient sighs around the store. That was when the cashier decided to call out for the bitch to pay for her items first and deal with her shampoo later. With an annoyed expression, the bitch stomped back to the cashier, paid for her pads and left. No she didn’t buy any shampoo.

*****

I was driving along an expressway and wanted to make a turn into a left ramp a few hundred meters ahead. I put on my left turn indicator and pulled into this left-turn lane.

But my advance was hindered by this rickety small motorcycle, ridden by this corpulent Malay guy who was approximately twice the size of his junk. He was doing real slow and was hogging right in the middle of that left lane.

Not wanting to instigate any fright to the guy, I gave him a friendly honk – a slight brush to my air horn button that produced a less louder version of my badass honk – you know, as a courteous way to tell him to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY !”. But instead of complying to my request, that fat dude turned his head to glower at me as if I’ve sodomized his daughter and deliberately rode slower in front of my car.

I almost hit him as a result of that … and this time, I decided to ‘act panic’ and yanked my air horn to its full fledged glory and filled that fat motherfucker’s eardrum with a sharp blare. He reacted with a jolt and swerved his motorcycle to the left almost hitting the pedestrian walk. That was when I took the opportunity to overtake and glowered back through my passenger seat window.

He had this furious look on his face and was yelling something at me – which I reckoned must be profanities at his best. But too bad, I couldn’t hear him… and I showed him an internationally acclaimed middle-finger sign… leaving him swerving in and out of the lane trying to regain his balance from the sonic damage my car had inflicted on him … his mouth still jabbering unheard profanities…

*****

I was doing 110kph on the highway overtaking some mules on my left, when I noticed a car came storming very fast from behind me. It was highlighting all the vehicles that was in its way and I quickly pulled back into the left lane (after the overtaking). Right about a couple seconds after that… the fast car went past me. It was a heavily modified black Proton Iswara.

From what I reckoned, he must be doing at least 160kph … and it was not slowing down despite that there were plenty of cars on the overtaking lane after I had pulled in. That was when I uttered to Emily – “Omg, that car’s gonna rear the back of that car !”

It almost did. The next car was a bit tardy reacting to that Iswara’s highlighting and it was a close shave. That Iswara got away and disappeared out of our sight. Somehow disappointed, I exclaimed “Well, it’s just a matter of time”.

Sure enough, right after a slight bend on the highway, I saw some broken pieces of bumpers and plastics littered on the tarmac like chicken guts … and that light speed Iswara wrecked by the side of the road. It appeared that it had plowed into another vehicle and the driver was getting down to negotiate (or something).

“See ? Told ya.” I quipped to Emily.

Somehow, that Iswara dipshit didn’t realize that HE HAS TO BRAKE if his highlighting doesn’t get his obstacles out of his way.

*****

A testament of intellectual decadence in the society. These people ought to be tied, shot and had their cold dead body dumped into the sea as reclamation debris. That is the least way they can do to contribute for the good of the people.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 20 Comments