Archive for the ‘traffic shit’ Category

December 21, 2006

common sense

It was rush hour and I was overtaking on the fast lane. But due to the traffic congestion around the area, the overtaking was snagged to a limited speed, but good enough to get pass the stretch of slower moving vehicles on the left lane. Then came this impetuous driver, appearing out of nowhere behind my Lorraine and started to repeatedly flash his headlights like mad – like he so desperately needed me to move over to let him through or else his balls are gonna fucking explode or something.

On any normal circumstances, I would have moved over (then flip him a bird). But I couldn’t and didn’t. That’s because I was surrounded with cars on my left and at the front. On my right, was a 2 feet high divider with fence. There couldn’t have been any other way for me to let him pass other than flying. Ergo, he must had thought that my car could fly. Fly right over the traffic to make way for him to advance that few feet closer to the hind bumper of another car… Riggggght.

Well, that’s a flattering thought… but the last I checked, my car didn’t come prefitted with any anti-gravitational device, or any nifty eggbeater blades capable of generating enough airlift to lift 1.3 tonnes of sheer metal off the ground. (If my car could do that, I probably would have fucking flew to my destination instead of pissing myself off contending the traffic.) So, there could only be one explanation for that guy’s excessively irrational behavior – lack of common sense.

Not very surprising though… as this wasn’t the first time I encounter utterly hopeless people like him around. There was once I encountered a young lady who stopped her car right behind my reversing car, waiting to park my spot. Like… if her car is blocking my reversing car, how the hell am I gonna vacant that parking lot for her to park? It’s unbelievably fucking stupid, isn’t it?

Sadly, it really happened. It seems that this ‘lack of common sense’ syndrome is quite widespread, especially amongst the younger generation. Ask yourself, how many times have you received forwarded mails (from your brain damaged friends), alleging that if you don’t forward it to another 20 subsequent recipients in your address book, your pet dog’s going to fucking explode (or something like that)? Go figure why would there be anyone stupid enough to be duped into believing that kind of shit.

I’m not sure if this is due to the amount of synthetic food that we religiously consume everyday, or is this some kind of side effects the computer technology has on human evolution. But one thing I’m sure, is that if we don’t do something about it sooner, we’re bound to evolve back into cavemen…

So what should we do? I don’t fucking know. Maybe create an additional subject in school specifically to encourage logical judgment and thinking? I can imagine some of the questions in their exam to be like this:

eg# 1:
Pundi kencing anda telah penuh, anda harus
a) minum air
b) makan nasi
c) hisap kotek
d) pergi kencing

eg# 2:
Anda terserempak dengan seekor beruang yang tempang. Apakah yang anda harus buat seterusnya?
a) Menjerit sekuat hatinya.
b) Cuba melawan beruang tersebut.
c) Merogol beruang tersebut.
d) Lari.

Something to start with… for the good of humanity.

(if you’re wondering if I’ve done anything to the impetuous flashing driver – well, I pulled a panic-brake maneuver on him… but it didn’t stop him from flashing though. Got him madder instead.)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 17 Comments
October 20, 2006

mind your own business

I was trapped inside a traffic jam for almost 2 hours on the way home from work on Thursday. I had to use the word ‘trapped’ because there’s nothing I could do about it… like taking a detour or something. That’s because it is the only way home for me – the Penang Bridge. The Penang fucking Bridge. What’s worst of all, my bladder’s at the verge of exploding, having forgotten to drain it before the trip. It was tormenting.

So what happened that day? A ‘4-car-pile-up’ at the middle span of the bridge. Apparently, some asshole lost control of his/her vehicle and got smoked up pretty bad. The whole thing wasn’t supposed to be that wretched, since the wrecks had been moved to the emergency lane much earlier on to make way for the traffic, but thanks to our ever nosy Malaysian drivers, almost every fucking one of them who drove past the wreckage had to slow down to a halt to quench their curiosity… and that’s how we got ourselves to a standstill traffic situation.

I happened to ‘meet’ one of those nosy dimwits in front of me when I was driving past the wreck. It was a heavily modified car, inside it was a pack of young Indian blokes. And they actually slowed down enough to make a cow look fast, just to gawk at the wreckage. I could see them making a lot of gestured commentaries inside their car… probably commenting on the resemblance of their faces to the mangled vehicles. Feeling frustrated and desperate (my bloated bladder, remember?), I gave them a few short burst of honks, you know, to urge them to move on already. The driver swerved his vehicle to the side and petulantly waved for me to get past his car. I didn’t hesitate, of course. Our eyes met when I did the overtaking, and spotted him giving me this scornful look as if I have stolen his grandma’s muruku. That was when I decided to clear the misunderstanding by flipping him a bird. I hope his pet dog dies before Deepavali.

So, as you can see, it’s all about our attitude, people. By slowing down to gawk at an accident, you’re creating a ripple in the traffic, which affects everything else that are connected to it. Important schedules had to be postphoned. Gallons of gasoline wasted. Thousands of prostates affected (eg. mine). Fuckloads of carbon monoxide emitted. And worst of all, you’re probably contributing to the unnecessary congestion that might impede the arrival of the ambulance to save some lives (of that accident). It’s bad enough to have an accident slowing down the traffic, don’t make it any worse by slowing it down even more.

Just mind your own business, and move the fuck on. (my lizard was drained exactly 2 hours later, and it took me over 1 minute to completely stop its gushing rampage)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | Comments Off
May 17, 2006

some people deserve to die

I almost met an accident 2 days ago. I wanted to make a turn from a straight road, flipped the turn-signal about a good 50 meters away and when I was about to turn… SURPRISE! A motor-fucking-cyle appeared out of nowhere from my right side (the side I was about to turn). I reflexed by jamming my brake hard and managed to avert the collision.

No apology offered, the motorcyclist then meandered around the front of my car and casually scooted away. As if he had gone through such situation a thousand times. I didn’t even get to wind down my window to shout at him “Puki mak hang!”

If it wasn’t for my quick reflex, that motherfucker would have ended under my car, and probably wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear for his next Hari Raya. Goddamn, now that I mentioned it, I should have ran that fucker over. It will be so much easier for me to get down from my car to compliment his mother. Moreover, if he’s fucking dead, I can do cooler stuffs like whipping my dick out and piss at his corpse. (I’m not gonna bother a couple hundred bucks to fix my car in exchange for that son of a bitch’s life…)

Things I really don’t understand about these people, what the fuck do they think when they see a turn-signal on a car (or on any vehicle) in front of them? Just another pretty blinking light to admire? Fucking hell.

I wonder what is there for the government to invest hope that we’ll become a developed society someday. Just look around us, there are actually still many dorks out there who don’t even know what’s a turn-signal for. (ask yourself, how many fucking times have you seen idiots turning without their signal, or disregard others’ signals)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
March 27, 2006

reckless driving in Company X

From: Michael Ooi
Sent: Monday, March 27, 2006 8:31 AM
To: [Security manager]
Cc: [some bosses]
Subject: Reckless Driving in [Company X] car park
Importance: High

[Security manager]
I would like to lodge a complain about a case of reckless driving which I encountered this morning (approx. 8am, 27th March 2006) in our [Company X] parking lot.

I was attempting to reverse (my car) into a particular lot and there was this car, sped past behind the gap where I was trying to reverse (it was accompanied with a few short bursts of frantic honks, which means, the driver was aware of the impending collision). Had it not due to my quick response to brake in time, I would have reversed into that afore mentioned car, and there would have been some unfortunate proceedings.

I am particularly concerned over the fact that we ([Company X], as a reputable company that hires literate employees) have such reckless and inconsiderate driver who doesn’t seem to have the rationale to even adhere a simple traffic rule of thumb – you don’t speed inside a carpark, especially not across the line-of-path of a reversing/parking car.

I’m not sure taking that risk & compulsion to squeeze past that narrow gap between my car and that lot would save that driver some precious seconds that would determine the life and death of a Prime Minister in this country, but if it’s not properly justified, I’m sure it would bring a bad name to not only himself, but [Company X] as a company with high concentration of reckless drivers. (and there goes the countless of road campaigns [Company X] had endorsed in the past…)

As it is not in my power to take any action against the particular individual, I reckoned it would only be pragmatic for me to lodge a complain about this incident to you, and foresee a stern action be taken against this person. (this be highlighted to his working superior? verbal warning? warning letter? death penalty?) – whatever to prevent such incident in future.

Here’s some of the information I managed to gather to aid your proceedings:

Car make: Nissan Sentra 1.6 (Black color)
Number plate: [number plate]
Car owner (through word of mouth) : [the purported asshole]

Kindly forward this to the relevant authority if you’re not the correct person to handle this

Michael Ooi
Failure Analysis Engineer – [Company X].
Direct Line (office): [phone number]
Direct Line (lab) : [phone number]
Direct Fax: [fax number]
*”Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun” — Mr. Burns*

What a way to start my Monday morning…

This is what you HAVE TO do to an asshole when you want to remain comfortable in your own circle of civility – send a sissy ass whimpering complain mail to the security head. (he’s the boss, not you).

If this were to occur at a place where civilization is as lost as a dinosaur’s fossilized dick (eg: pasar malam parking lot, MidValley parking lot, etc), it would have involved a whole deal lot of verbal abuses and pitching of steering locks.

Though I favored and chose the civilized method, I bet the latter one would be more fun. Like, what could be better than jamming a steering lock up an asshole’s ass in a Monday morning? Nothing man, not even a blowjob.

I was prompted to call up a HR dude the late afternoon today, and was asked a bunch of questions regarding the alleged incident.

Amongst them were :
– were you trying to park your car or leave the parking lot?
– how did the whole thing happened?


And then, I was assured that he’ll interview the asshole about the incident, and find out why he ‘behaved that way’. As if he’s going to confess about himself being a baaaaaddddd motherfucker, and swig a gallon of my car’s recycled engine oil as retribution…

Mannn, I felt so compelled to tell the HR officer that it’s the way of the assholes… to go against any public decorum that they manage to come across with their puny brain. There’s no explanation why they ‘behave that way’…

I called off the intention anyway, as I wasn’t paid enough to do any extra work of charity… I’ll update if there’s anything interesting.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 6 Comments
March 4, 2006


michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 9 Comments