Archive for the ‘traffic shit’ Category

December 10, 2007

survival quiz

Imagine you’re in this situation…

Say, you’re driving a runt car. (A Myvi, to be exact). For some inexplicable weird reasons, you think you and your car can set the land speed record on our Malaysian highway and you’re confident that no shit you’re gonna be the first person to be able to do it with a Myvi. With a boosted willpower, toufu shop sticker and plastic spoilers that artificially makes your washing machine shaped car more aerodynamic, you floor the accelerator with a heavy right foot… tearing the highway up like a true race car driver.

90kph… 100kph… 110kph… you break the highway speed limit like a dead twig… how awesome… 120kph… 125kph… you feel like you’re an invincible flying arrow… 130kph… 135kph…

Your brows are sweating. Your heart is palpitating. Your balls are levitating. It is a feeling that no words can describe. For the record of your private self basking later, you whip out your camera cellphone and aim it at the speedometer with the intention to capture the historical moment. But just as you’re doing that, your car suddenly fishtails and the next thing you know, you’re seeing a fast projection of images before you.

lights, sparks, smoke and debris. (crash). The airbag does not fucking deploy.

Miraculously, you survive the accident unscathed. You open the semi-wrecked door (which still works) and walk out. You take a quick survey of the damage, and see that your car has its hood planted right into the highway divider and is now resembling something like a pig’s snout.

Ok, fact check:
– your car’s totally fucked and immobile.
– it’s now static on the express lane, in the middle of the dark but busy highway

Which of the following do you reckon you should do next? (this is a test of your survival skill – based on a real story, which you wouldn’t know if it’s gonna happen to you)

a) Reflect that you’ve been stupid, thank god and get the fuck out of there before another vehicle plows into your ass.
b) Reflect that your car is a jinx, curse god and get the fuck out of there before another vehicle plows into your ass.
c) Get the fuck out of there to find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush.
d) Coolly walk around to inspect the damage, especially your plastic skirting + spoiler + paintjob, whip out your cellphone and call somebody while you’re doing that.

Or if you have anything else other than these to suggest, be my guest. (who knows? if it’s going to save somebody’s life someday)

*****
I actually almost crashed into a scrawny guy with Jay Chou hairstyle loitering around his wrecked Myvi last week. That guy just had a crash, and he was inspecting his wrecked car while talking on his cellphone on the express lane of a dark but busy highway (it actually happened on the PLUS highway en route to KL from Penang).
I do not know what the fuck was he thinking. He could have got himself fucking killed right on that spot. I myself barely braked in time from my 110kph descent (because his runt car was too small to be noticed at that speed and lighting condition, you see).

When you have an accident on a high speed highway like this, the most important thing is to get your ass safe. Never fucking mind about the car. The sanest thing that stupid ah beng should have done, is to move his car to the emergency lane. If the car’s stalled, he can just switch on the hazard indicator, get the fuck out of there pronto and pray for the best. He then can proceed to do what he wants at the emergency lane. It’s a common sense thing.

No wonder we call such people ‘stupid ah bengs’.

(I do not mind mowing down shitbags like him but, it’s the repair bill and repercussion in the form of legal procedures that I have to endure later on that’s bugging me.)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
October 28, 2007

I fucking hate driving on Sundays

Man, I so fucking hate driving on Sundays.

It seems to be the day where brain damaged people come out of their hiding place like earthworms wriggling out of dirt after a rainy day.

Man, I so fucking hate driving on Sundays.

In just a little less than 3 hours out on the streets today (Sunday), I’ve encountered people who:

– drives at 40 kph hogging on the middle of 2 lanes
– changes lanes without indicator.
– remains static on green.
– stops on the middle of the fucking road out of no reason at all.
– parks their fucking car haphazardly all over the place.

Man, I so fucking hate driving on Sundays.

If I was to die out of heart attack or a stroke, I’d bet my ass on fire that it’ll happen on Sundays, when I’m behind the steering wheel.

Man, I so fucking hate driving on Sundays.

Although I had a near death experience contending with stupid people around me today, the tradeoff was worth it… for I have never seen my Regine so happy before… on her first time going out to a shopping mall.

But I still fucking hate driving on Sundays.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 10 Comments
September 18, 2007

I’m crazy

I’ve noticed that a lot of people have disdained the way I write, about how I was always right in my daily encounter with general public. It was as if, the whole fucking world looks inferior to me, and I lone ride a badass horse down the town shooting people with my righteous gun. (that was never trueee)

So for this post, I’m gonna try to change that perception – you know, instead of making myself sound like a martyr, I’m going to make it sound like I’m the villain.

Ok, the whole thing actually started last week. I was being a bad parent and was sending Regine to the nursery, as usual. You know, I got to fucking work and stuff, so it has been a bad habit of mine to abandon my child into the hands of a couple of self-proclaimed professionals who have 20 over years experience in handling kids (bah, who gives a fuck about that? I just want to jettison my responsibility somewhere…)

So I was speeding like a shitfuck along this residential street doing approximately neckbreaking 30 km/h. Emily was at the back seat abusing Regine by reading her boring storybooks. I was about to reach the nursery, when I saw this nice newspaper vendor riding his motorcycle in a zigzag manner towards my direction from the front. Apparently, he was riding like that not because he had a pile infection out of his bunghole, but because was trying to make a living by flinging A LOT of newspapers to his subscribers. (picture this: he kinda had to ride really close to the gate, fling a roll of newspaper and ride to the opposite side of the street and do the same, and then repeat from the opposite side).

He was doing that at a rather innocent speed, like, 50 – 60 km/h. Real slow yeah. So I kinda drove on, you know, had to cut my speed a bit lest he ends up wrecking my car and waste my NCB… and so I thought he’d be smart enough to stop whatever he was doing and fucking let me pass. He did that alright, stopped by a curb and looking at me. But it wasn’t any ordinary look that he was giving me. It was a hostile look, his eyeballs was at the verge of popping out, like he was passing judgment on me for being the person responsible for the spate of rape cases in town. Whatever.

Then just as I was driving past him, he suddenly hurled something in Hokkien dialect at my car – “SIAO LANG!!!” (which roughly translates to “CRAZY MAN!!!”). Oh boy, was I crazy…

him – riding a modified bike (for storage) zigzaging across a 2 way traffic, in 50 – 60km/h, with one hand handling the bike, and the other flinging newspapers, without wearing a helmet, swearing in front of my kid.

me – driving a black shining automatic car with airbag and ABS, straight, on the correct lane, under 40km/h, looking smart because I have enough education to not look like a street urchin like him (despite being approximately twice my age),

Hell yeah, I’m crazy alright (maybe I landed on the wrong planet). No doubt about that. I could have fucking killed him had I been sane enough, but that didn’t happen because I’m fucking crazy and I chose to ignore him. Like, WEEEEOOEEEEOEEEOOOOO.

But I did myself proud yesterday. I bumped into Mr.Nice-Newspaper-Vendor again. I was standing at the curb this time (after dropping off Regine). He was doing his routine bike slalom at the neighborhood and I had a moment to decide if I want to reciprocate his kindness the other day. I was thinking of brushing him down on the tarmac from the side and then fucking burn all his newspapers – it would be so cool (and I don’t have to worry about getting into trouble since I’m fucking crazy and I can do anything I like). But then, the plan was scrapped because it was a rather wet morning and I don’t have a lighter in handy (I don’t smoke).

So, I finally decided to do things his way, like a sane normal person would – I yelled back at him in Hokkien, “SIAO LANG!!!” – from behind, which startled him enough to almost cause him to crash into a nearby gate. It felt so fucking good to see him react like that.

It’s cool to be ‘not crazy’ sometimes.

[back to work…]

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
June 26, 2007

the rempit syndrome

If you do not already know what does the word rempit means, I suggest reading this first.

The “rempit syndrome” – as I would like to call it from now on – seems to be omnipresent in all stages of our Malaysian society… as I’ve learned in the past 2 weeks…

Incident 1 :
A fat young guy on his bike took to the right side of my fast moving car from behind, and attempted to overtake my car. But when his bike couldn’t match my car’s speed, the guy suddenly braked hard, went ballistic and honked at me like I have accidentally ran over his family cat.
Apparently, fat-shit wanted to go left at a Y-junction ahead (which was quite close). He should have taken the left side of the lane to do that, but for some strange reason, he didn’t. Maybe he thought that it was way cooler to dramatically maneuver his bike past me and cross diagonally in front of my car with just enough niche of timing to clear the path into the left junction… But of course, it didn’t work out well for him.
I slowed down after hearing his honk of misery from behind, which he caught up on me at the left side and I reciprocated with my way-more-superior air horn… jolting the shit out of him… and then showed him my version of The Finger.

Incident 2 :
I wanted to make a right turn at the base of a T-junction, and saw this slow moving car approaching from the left side of the junction, with its right indicator turned on. Being a considerate driver, I adhered to the tacit right-of-way rule – I stopped to let the car pass – and that was exactly what the guy behind the wheel did.
But when the car reaches half way in completing the turn, the middle aged driver suddenly braked and stopped right in the middle of its track, dead center at intersection. I thought the car was broken down or something, but it wasn’t. The driver stopped because he wasn’t sure if he turned into the right junction, and decided to have a small discussion with his passenger about it.
Since it was quite a busy intersection, there were dozens of car backed up at the intersection. And again, I had to use my air horn to rectify the situation, and woke those morons up from their fantasy style driving…

Incident 3 :
I was driving along a straight stretch of trunk road, on my way to drop off Emily to work. There was this particular section of the road where there was a nasi lemak stall operated by the roadside.
That was why the bike in front of my car stopped, I think – checking out his breakfast on display. No indicator, no brake light, no nothing. The bike stopped dead in the middle of the road. Like ‘Incident 2′ above, I could have thought that the bike had broken down or something. But the young rider did not even budge from his riding position. The guy was just looking to his east, eyeing on a few packets of nasi fucking lemak (or perhaps some factory chicks’ handbags?).
Not wanting to be late for work, I caressed the rider’s soul with my air horn… and he reflexed by catapulting to the roadside, followed by another lagged respond by waving his fist in the air… as I saw him disappear in my rear view mirror…

*****

I don’t know what is with these people with stunted ability to think. Bad food? Bad education? No fucking idea. Maybe it’s just inherent in them or whatever the reason is.

But what I definitely know, is that these people walk amongst us in the society like any normal person, and there is no way to distinguish them apart (which is kinda scary when you think about it). But once they’re behind the wheels of a vehicle (or operate anything that moves), you’ll be able to tell – that they have the “rempit syndrome” – best defined as the kind of people that may be physically advanced along with time, but mentally still in the very primitive form. Goddamn.

I hope our astronaut doesn’t jack off in the rocket to see what effect the gravity has on his cum…

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 16 Comments
April 9, 2007

useless morons

I think the traffic police team around the area where I work are a bunch of retards. Terencat akal. Sepastik.

You see, my workplace is located at a damn busy and highly populated area. Highly populated with degenerates who can’t drive for shits (you wouldn’t believe how many traffic lights and road dividers are mowed down each month here…) and traffic lights. Fuckloads of traffic lights. There are like, 5 fucking traffic lights in the same fucking kilometer leading to where I work. It is a very frustrating affair just to drive through the district alone.

And recently, our plights were made worse by a bunch of traffic policemen overriding the traffic lights to direct the traffic – which, I reckon are supposed to ease up the situation or something like that… But that apparently, was not the case. Now instead of having a hundred over meter of vehicles queuing for 1 revolution of stop at the lights, we now have 3 TIMES the longer congestion than before. Thanks to our area’s polis trafik sepastik malaysia (PTSM). I really can’t understand why do we need to waste the taxpayer’s money to install so many traffic lights if they’re gonna deploy a team of dedicated traffic police to man the traffic anyway?

I had it with them today and was so fucking pissed that I have blog about them this time. Now if you can check out the satellite image below:

satellite image

The green dotted line traces the route I take every morning to go to work. U, V, W, Y and Z are traffic light points. Five of them. X marks the spot under the overhead highway, where you’d see a menagerie of excess (and overweight) traffic policemen hanging out to take refuge from the searing sun.

Every fucking morning for the past few weeks, we have had traffic policemen ‘strategically’ placed at point V, W and Y… sometimes Z. This morning was no different, except traffic light Z… which became out-of-order for some reason. The damn thing was blinking amber and the situation there was chaotic. And where do we see the our PTSM? Nowhere. Actually, they’re everywhere else… except Z (the place where we NEEDED them MOST).

Do you fucking see what I see here?

A bunch of fucking useless morons. I could have hired a herd of cows to direct the traffic and it would have had the same effect = traffic jam (at least we don’t have to pay them cows pension when they’re old…)

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 10 Comments