Archive for the ‘traffic shit’ Category

October 31, 2008

loser amongst losers

Losers, they can be found everywhere. But to bump into a loser amongst losers, now that’s not something you see very often. I had the chance to encounter one on my way to work this morning. The loser of all losers. The degenerate of all degenerates.

But before I go on describing what happened, please take some time to peruse the picture below…

The loser I was talking about was driving the red car in the picture, a heavily modified old Proton Iswara (you know, with horse power increasing stickers, big menacing spoiler and all). I was driving the dark car. It was raining at that time, and the traffic’s terrible.

As you can see, that loser was trying to squeeze through the narrow space in between lanes, apparently, to shove into location ‘X’. His car was just about half an inch away from brushing my side mirror and I was shit pissed with what he was trying to pull there. I responded by blaring my ultra loud air horn in agitation, and had him stopped in the middle of his maneuver, right when his driver window was opposite my front passenger’s.

I suspected that he must have wanted to confront me or something, but then, he didn’t honk me back, nor did he wind down his window to wave his fist. I reckon that he couldn’t open his door either, because there was only barely a feet of space between us. So, he just stopped right there. Driver across my passenger’s. Probably was cursing at me, I don’t know, because the tint on his heavily modded junk was too fucking dark for me to see anything inside. But I could tell that there was some movement inside (something’s alive inside, what a surprise!)

About a few seconds later, the queue on my lane moved and I was ahead of him. I kept checking my rear view and side mirror if that fucker was going to get down from his car or something. That was when I saw the window of his rickety junk started to inch down, and then got jammed halfway (no surprise, people… with his car being a Proton and all). He had to squeeze out his skinny ass hand from that small opening of that jammed window to flip me a lame bird (dark skinned – likely a Malay chap), and then to stick it back in to maneuver his car into location ‘X’ (that was an exit lane, by the way. My lane’s to go straight)

So, what actually happened back there was probably like this –
– loser didn’t like me honking him and he stopped beside my car to confront me.
– he wanted to honk me back, but his horn was not working.
– he wanted to wind down his window to flip me a bird, but his window was not working either.
– and when his window finally worked, it got jammed halfway and it wouldn’t go back up.

That was why I think, he deservedly be called ‘the loser amongst losers’. The key take away message is – if you want to flip other people birds, make sure you got a working power window, especially when it is raining.

The time that I was accelerating away from that spot, his car window was still stuck open, and rain was still pouring into his car. That made my day.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
September 2, 2008

kena liwat lagi

My car was hit at the rear again this morning. This was the THIRD FUCKING TIME my car got mounted in the ass within the short span of 3 months… Unlike that loverboy Saiful, mine were all very real. (read them here – incident #1 and #2)

This time, it happened smack dab in a traffic congestion. Apparently, the guy (driving a Honda City) was too busy trying to avert another car that was shoving into his lane illegally, and he rammed hard into my rear bumper when he failed to notice that everyone was braking. That was how his car mounted onto mine.

Being hit for so many times and taken its toll, my bumper finally registered a small hump at the top side this time. It was barely noticeable but it was there (though, I couldn’t help but notice that Lorraine indeed has a motherfucking tough rear bumper). And because it wasn’t really a serious damage, we decided not to get the police and insurance involved – the guy agreed to pay for whatever rework that needed to be done on my bumper. Case closed.

So as you can see, it was just another case of sheer rotten luck for me. I wasn’t even reckless. I’m not saying I haven’t been reckless before, especially when I was drinking, but I’m saying – I tend to get into accidents for not the right reasons.

I wonder what the hell is going on here. Is it because my blessing has expired? Like a driving license… which needs to be renewed every 5 years? Perhaps. Or perhaps this is an advanced birthday gift from a much more sinister force…? Fuck.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 15 Comments
June 26, 2008

road raging madman 2

[continued from here…]
Ah Beng, probably thinking that I was scared of him, caught up to my car a few kilometers down the bridge highway to give me a stinky eye from his passenger window. I don’t know what was he hoping to achieve by doing that but, I responded by flipping him a bird. And that was the third mistake I did that day. I should have ignored the motherfucker and drove on, but somehow, it happened. Emily yelled at me, “Don’t agitate him further, you dumbass! Why did you flip him a bird??”. Alright, I have to admit, that was pretty dumb… I acted solely out of impulsion because I was pissed (this somehow reminded me of what my friend PukeMachine did many years ago… To PukeMachine if you’re reading this – sorry dude, I now know how it felt like being massive tool acting like a fool… I should have been more empathetic…)

The bird a.k.a the middle finger salute, being somewhat a gesticulation of norm in our everyday traffic adventure, apparently, left a very deep impact on Ah Beng’s psyche. It must be something as offensive as seeing his own mother being beaten to a pulp with a steering lock on his planet. He was literally exploding with rage the moment he saw my finger. He was flailing his hands like a lunatic inside his car and attempted to swerve his Beemer into mine from the side (must be something he learned from the movies). I do not know if he was serious about doing that stunt but, my guess at that moment was – the loser was just trying to intimidate me. He wouldn’t dare to knock my car because his fucking car was double the value of mine. That was why I decided to play cool. When he noticed that he wasn’t getting any attention, he decided to do something more desperate. He overtook my car and force stopped me to look for a second confrontation.

He alighted and walked like John Wayne the cowboy towards my car, mumbling something which I couldn’t hear (I was still inside my car). I intended to get down to confront that scumbag but, my wife didn’t think that it would be a good idea and stressed that both of us should probably stay inside the car to be safe. So, we waited for him to come closer. I was half expecting him to rap my car for giving him the finger, but fortunately he didn’t. (if he’d done that, I would have gone apeshit and pummel him up). He would just stand there screaming at the top of his lungs looking like someone who had lost his mind. (I have to say that it was very stupid of him to do that, for he was definitely in the worst position to start a confrontation. I could have run him over with my car if I wanted to). Not intending to stay long to see him deliver a mute sermon, I made a sharp turn and sped off from the location. Ah Beng had to run back to his car and had me on pursuit. And because his machine was far more superior than mine, he managed to catch up on me easily.

He would hound my car for the entire journey along the bridge, and my wife was freaking out like hell. She frantically called the police from her cell – that we’re being terrorized by a madman on the bridge and the police agreed to arrange for a patrol car to meet us up at a petrol station nearby. So our plan was to drive to that location and see if the fucker would still show his antiques in front of a police officer. But luck wasn’t on our side, Ah Beng managed to steer trap my car to a halt short of a couple hundred meters before the petrol station. Right then, I could see that there was a massive jam behind us resulted from our dramatic showdown and again, he did the John Wayne walk towards us, screaming something that I could hardly hear from inside my car… Curious of what he was screaming, I rolled down my window for about an inch just to be able to hear him…

[conveniently translated to English from Hokkien]
“WHY DID YOU FLIP ME A FINGER?? WHY DID YOU FLIP ME A FINGER?? YOU WANT TO FIGHT IS IT!? HAA!? @#$%^&** HUARRGGGHHH!” [something like that]

I couldn’t make anything he said more than that because right then, Emily suddenly rolled up my window and locked the door (stupid me forgot to lock the fucking door). Knowing that he’s going to come over to deliver us a sermon, Emily and I sort of waited until he was far enough from his Beemer before we speed off again. And sure enough, almost as predictably, that stupid fart let his guard down by wandering too far off his car to get to us, and thus allowing us the buffer to speed off.

This time, I intend to really shake him off for good because it was getting to no end. The time I was speeding off, Ah Beng was seen making a hasty run back to his car to give chase. Having the 5 – 10 seconds advantage, I fucking floored the accelerator and wove through the jam packed traffic like what I learned from the movies and finally, managed to shake off Ah Beng for good. Quite a feat for outrunning a 323i (or perhaps Ah Beng was too much of a wuss to handle his machine? That explains him bumping my car at the toll in a slow traffic)

Anyway, we drove straight to the police station to lodge a report… but that was not the end of the story. The third part of the story, will be a little bit off topic from altercation with Ah Beng but more on the experience we had with a couple of police officers in that police station…

[to be continued…]

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 11 Comments
June 25, 2008

road raging madman

I keep hearing people say, that Penang drivers are the worst in the whole peninsula. I always disagree with that because, I’ve never actually met a driver that makes me feel that way… yet. But I finally met one a couple days ago. One road raging madman. It was an experience that Emily and I will never forget. Here is how it happened:

disclaimer: I do not intend to make this sound like a story but, more as an eye opener to you people out there – on how a seemingly harmless evening can turn into a nightmare

I was waiting at the toll in my car with Emily as usual (we were on our way home from work), when I was bumped from behind by this Beemer (yes, for the second time in less than 2 weeks). Wasn’t a hard bump but, the impact was hard enough to shake my entire car. I got down and checked my bumper. It was unscathed (2 accidents, and yet the bumper is still intact. Lorraine is a badass), and so was that Beemer. The driver was still behind his wheels, and quite oddly, and he did not even bother to get down to check if there was any damage on his car. A Chinese in his mid to late thirties, he had a strong aura of stinking Ah Beng in him, with heavily pockmarked face, stained buckteeth and slovenly attire (surprisingly, I wasn’t expecting someone driving a Beemer to be like this…). Anyway, he was wearing this stupefied expression behind the steering and appeared stunned… as if the he was just being awakened from a trance or something.

The first thing I said to him was “What the fuck were you doing man??”. I shouldn’t have said that but, I was pissed, you see. But it was a mistake. A mistake because I should have best guessed that uneducated lout like him won’t take confrontation like this well, and probably couldn’t understand English anyway but, the car he was driving actually made me thought otherwise. Sure enough, Ah Beng couldn’t understand a word I said, but he knew what the word ‘fuck’ means. The next thing I know was, this Ah Beng went ballistic and began to hurl a tirade of insults at me…

[conveniently translated to English from Hokkien]
“WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? I SAID I WAS SORRY BUT WHY DID YOU ‘FUCK’ ME!? YOU WANT TO FIGHT IS IT!? HAA!? @#$%^&** HUARRGGGHHH!”

…something like that. It was followed by a bunch of unintelligible yelling and shouting. He was stark mad at the mention of the word ‘fuck’ and I could see stress veins popping up from his forehead. The guy was obviously a terminal stage nut case (though I also kinda suspected that he was probably on the influence of drugs or something). But being pissed myself, I got into a shouting match with Ah Beng… and that was the second mistake I did – I provoked someone who was off in the head. That was when he got even madder and started to scream things that didn’t seem to make any sense at all. At one point of the altercation, Ah Beng got down from his car in what seemed to be an attempt to get medieval. I was a bit worried… but got myself ready just in case. Fortunately, he didn’t do anything rash but to scream louder. But I didn’t plan to stay long, because I knew, that it was just a matter of time before he boils over and punch me in the face… and things would probably get uglier. And right about the same time, a concerned thought suddenly loomed over me, that things weren’t the same as it was 15 years ago…

a) I am not as tough as before… thanks to the cholesterol laden diet, long hours in front of the computer and natural aging. I’m a middle aged fart now. He’s probably as middle age as I am but that isn’t the point. I could nail that Ah Beng (I am taller and bigger than him), but I’d probably have to trade that with sleepless nights of aching joints, bruised limbs and the worry of him getting back at me the dirty way…

b) I have a future to be reckoned with and a good life not worth losing. Whacking the guy could get me into a shit load of troubles (both legal and illegal), and I’ll probably lose my fucking job in the process and lose everything in a flash of sheer rage.

c) I have a family now. My wife and daughter are looking up to me being a role model (of some sort). I could have gotten them into trouble just by messing with the wrong company. I mean, that lunatic could be some drug dealer of some shit… My family’s safety is the utmost importance in my life.

I reckoned that I could have creamed this guy’s ass if I’m in my 20’s, back when I was brash, bold and mindless. But now, I’m just another corporate drone and law abiding family man. I have little to gain and high stakes to lose… so it would be stupid for me to get too involved with some losers like Ah Beng here… Just like Emily said “It’s not worth messing with this loser here…”

So I chose not to confront the guy anyway. I hurled a few more insults and decided to call it off. I got back into my car… and drove off. When I was driving off, Ah Beng was still screaming like a madman, flailing his hands all over. But that was not the last we saw of him… it was just a ‘warm up’ for Ah Beng…

[to be continued…]

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 8 Comments
June 16, 2008

the virgin ang pow

I got into an accident on Saturday while I was going home from dinner with my friend Charles. I had to brake when an apparent crazy ass driver suddenly pulled a ‘no reason brake’ in front of me. I managed to brake in time – probably thanks to my ABS – and stopped just a couple inches short of touching that car. But the car behind mine wasn’t as lucky (or should I say, I wasn’t as lucky as I thought…). It crashed into Lorraine from behind (Lorraine is my car’s name, numb nut) and that was it. I then got down to inspect the damage, utterly pissed and expecting the worst… but was surprised, that the bumper only sustained some minor scratches. There was a porcine Malay girl standing behind me… She was the driver’s friend. The driver was too shaken from the accident… so she sent her plus sized friend for a parley (probably because the driver thought her friend could take more beatings in case I go apeshit or something).

The whole conversation was quite lengthy and was in Malay (that was because the Malay chick kept repeating the same shit), but for convenience’s sake, I summarized it into English to cut the crap short…

fat malay chick : “We’re sorry brother! We’re really really sorry! We didn’t mean for this to happen…”

If she actually meant for this to happen, I would have punched her in the face…

me : “I know you’re sorry, but sorry is not going to solve my problem here. You see that nasty scratch there? It’s gonna cost me some money to spray paint the damn thing.”

fat malay chick : “We’re really sorry about that. But it wasn’t our fault… you braked too sudden and our car’s brake was not working well… ” (she actually quoted ‘brake tak makan‘)

What she didn’t know is that her friend’s brake wasn’t defective, but it was because the car’s wheels were locked when her friend braked too hard.

me : “Do you know why I suddenly braked? That’s because the car in front of mine suddenly braked… and did you see me crash into that car? No, because I kept my distance and managed to brake in time. Your friend was tailing too close and she’s doing too fast. That’s why she couldn’t brake in time.”

fat malay chick : “Alright, I understand. So how much do you want us to compensate for this damage? Please don’t quote us too much… our car sustained some damage as well…”

me : “Well, I might need to spray paint the whole bumper you know… and… ”

I was about to quote my whole bumper, until I glanced over and saw the damage her friend’s car sustained. The bumper was folded about a few centimeters in, and I could see the hood popped up like a deformed metal trash can. When I compared all that to that ‘nasty scratch’ Lorraine sustained, it was compelling for me to feel sorry for them… so, I got soft…

me : “…alright alright, I’m going to leave it to you. How much are you willing to pay?”

fat malay chick : [procrastinates for a while] “I think we can afford about fifty bucks? We don’t have much. I really hope that it is ok for you…”

me : “Well, alright… it wasn’t really enough, but I accept it. It was an accident and it’s none of your friend’s fault. Just keep your distance next time, and slow down.”

She then immediately bounced towards the car, dug out 50 bucks in small crumpled notes for me and bade a few more apologies to seal the deal.

That 50 bucks was probably not enough to pay for a round of beer, let alone to spray paint my bumper, but it was necessary as a customary lucky red packet for breaking my Lorraine’s virginity… and also to make that clumsy girl learn a thing or two about responsibility…


just a small scratch…

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 7 Comments