Archive for the ‘traffic shit’ Category

May 26, 2015

the red bridge

There’s this left-turn junction at a 3 lane expressway near my workplace that is always congested every morning during the peak hour. The reason is simple: high volume of vehicles required to slow down to turn to that junction. This is exacerbated with the fact that the junction is made up entirely of a slight inclining bridge.

In an ideal situation, one will have to keep to the left lane (and slow down) to make a turn to the inclining bridge. It can be dangerous to turn left from the middle or right most lane of an expressway. But this logic – like in any other similar traffic condition – does not bide well with most drivers in the area. Inconsiderate drivers will just fucking stop at the middle lane, and shove into the queue or directly into the junction. If one can detect infrared from the amount of curses dispensed from a person’s mouth, that area would have been a hotspot glowing in white.

I use the left lane all the time, and I have to contend with this shit whenever I’m on time at work (I’m usually earlier than everyone else, you see…). I must say, I have grown quite inured to it and most of the time, I’d just let those bastards shove into the left lane without any fuss.

But a couple days ago, a luxury MPV (or a minivan, some may call it) speed-shoved into my lane (without switching on the indicator) that it almost grazed my car. My quick reflex saved me an accident and possibly a homicide in the area. I managed to get ahead of the MPV and saw through my rearview mirror a middle-aged balding skinny fuck behind the wheel, who had an odd shaped head like he was clamped too hard with a pair of forceps in the head when he was delivered into the world at a substandard hospital. After a round of customary cussing that only myself could hear, my rage subsided and I continued my way towards Company T and into its parking lot.

Took my time to find a good lot, and then I walked towards my lab. That was when I saw that soapbox MPV again, parked near the building entrance with its engine running. The toxic avenger lookalike bald-headed skinny fuck was in there, keeled over in the driver seat. So the guy must had been having a heart attack which prompted him to drive like an ass! I then rushed towards the van pronto, broke its window, dragged the misshapen guy out of his seat and proceeded to give him a CPR (I snuck in a couple of punches to his face in the process). I saved his life and he woke up in stupor to a bloody nose and a broken window.

Alright, I made the CPR part up. He was slumped in his seat alright, but not from heart attack but from exhaustion. Probably had a night out romping with a cheap prostitute. The guy was sleepy on wheels, which made him drove like he’s on a suicide mission. That fucker shouldn’t have been born, and yet he’s a manager in Company T. Cruel world.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | Comments Off
October 21, 2011

do the v thing

What do most people do when they see an asswipe car parked haphazardly around their own car? They’d usually take a picture and facebook it to shame the perpetrator.

Not my style. Cause that won’t do a thing to the asswipe owner. Too easy for them, I’d say.

Me, I’d usually vandalize the car, and I’d encourage you people to do the same too (just don’t do it in front of your kids). Taking pictures are just gay. It won’t do jackshit except to gain some empathy from your closet gay friends. You must not let them off too easy. They need to learn the hard lesson of not to park like a consummate asshole. They beg to have their cars vandalized, and if we make it a trend, they will deign to give a fuck about parking properly the next time.

Yesterday, a car parked too close to mine. Left just barely a foot’s space for me to get in my car. That was totally uncalled for, because my car was in the lot and there was plenty of space left on the other side. I had to squeeze myself in, nearly busted my own balls doing that. But of course, the owner had to pay for causing me such a pain, I made sure of that. I fucking ripped its side mirror off with my bare hands. Luckily, there wasn’t any scratch or dent on my car. Had there been one, I would have ripped both its mirrors off, and made all his 4 tires prematurely expired. Maybe even a windscreen job.

An ex-neighbor also once had the same thing from me. Remember the asshole who put a note on my mom’s car? The next few months following the incident, I did some Mythbuster shit on his car. I debunked some myth on various claims of chemicals that would affect the paintjob and his car came in quite handy. Eg. I found out that Rain-X won’t actually cause blisters, but just mild discoloration – I tested it on his car. And oh, it won’t spoil the rubber too. Though he didn’t quite recover from being an asshole from the unfortunate events that had befallen on his car, it was fun for me while it lasted. He moved away last year and I lost my experiments.

Anyway, the point is, don’t just do nothing when people double park you or left your car some dents. Give those assholes something in return. Vandalize their car.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 6 Comments
August 14, 2011

biatch

I fucking hate cars with ‘bumper stickers’. I’m not sure if the term is even technically correct… because they’re not really on bumpers, but on the rear windscreen. Seems like a fad these days – unfolded collars, fake tans, douchebaggery, bumper fucking stickers. Most of them are with inane quotes that no one gives a shit like ‘princess on board’, ‘you’ll never walk alone’ or some religious chants. It’s like they can’t wait to tell the whole world that they suck or something.

Just the other day, there was this car which swept into my lane in high speed without an indicator, nearly hitting mine. It was a Malay chick with a psychological stench of a stray female dog with festering cunt. When her fucked up piece of a junk finally got to the front of mine, I then saw it – the bright yellow ‘bumper sticker’ that stood out like a sore thumb on the top left of her rear windscreen – ‘PREGNANT LADY DRIVER’ – with a graphic that showed a woman in an awkward pose like she was having a lobotomy at the wrong end. So what was the sticker all about? Like I wasn’t suppose to feel pissed because she’s pregnant? That it is excusable for pregnant people to weave all over the road like a fucking lunatic? What if I’m a motorcyclist who got run over by that bitch? Would it matter if she’s knocked up? Fucking cheebye.

Here, I manage to snap a photo of her ‘sticker’, excuse the blurriness – for I took the photo with a raging hand:

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 8 Comments
March 8, 2010

MB

Whenever I am cutting through the country roads when fetching my wife back to her hometown, there is always this one type of driver that peeves me down to my spine – I’d call them, The MBs. It is an acronym of something rather insensitive, so, just take it as it is.

These MBs, are usually identifiable by their trademark of sticking an arm out of the window. Usually males of Malay descent. No one knows why do they do that. Some say they do that because they smoke. But I’ve seen many of them who weren’t smoking, and would still stick out an arm just for the hell of it.

Now, why do I harbor such a deep animosity towards these MBs? That’s because they’re road hazards and they make our lives difficult. How? By driving like sloths. Almost all of them would drive at speed lower than 30 kph. That’s roughly the speed of an old man with arthritis on a bicycle. If one has a skull cap on, that’s a Pak Haji variant of the MBs. These Pak Hajis are the elites of being extremely slow like fuck, and their speed is roughly 20kph to a total stop on the middle of the road. These people are so slow on roads, that heavy trucks are desperate enough to overtake them at tight corners – endangering the oncoming traffic in the process. God knows how many people were killed in road accidents because of them.

I suspected that these people drive so slow because of their intrinsic habit of being rustic. Pretty much like why a dog still runs in circle before going to sleep despite living in an urban setting. These people are so used to riding on bull carts and buffaloes, that it got ingrained in their DNA to move at that range of speed (this also explains why they are not able to operate any indicator switch inside a darn car. Carts and buffaloes do not have switches). That’s why when they get to drive a motorized vehicle, they couldn’t help but being fascinated with the fact that they don’t have to feed that thing some hay or flog it to make it move. Just step on the pedal and off they go. They’d then stick their arm out of the window to feel the wind caressing them and have a Pocahontas moment there.

To all of you MBs out there, fuck you. I hope all your chickens will turn into toyols and steal all your goats, and you’d have nothing to fuck when you’re bored.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 11 Comments
January 8, 2009

stupid traffic lights

I was stucked at an intersection for 40 over minutes the other day. Rather unexpectedly, at a non-peak hour time. Why? Because of a set of stupid traffic lights. What it did, was it only allowed 10 – 12 seconds on the green, and would go red for over 2 minutes. Anyone with half a brain would have figured what that would do to the traffic – huge motherfucking backlogs. It was like pressing your thumb against the spout of a faucet with running water.

I wonder who was the retard that was commissioned to time that set of stupid traffic lights. The sad thing is, people like that retard seem to be prevalent in Malaysia nowadays, because I noticed that the set of traffic lights IS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY ONE of its kind around. They’re all over the fucking place. There used to be one right outside my workplace that would go green for only 5 – 6 seconds, but would go red for eternity. And I remember encountering countless of such traffic lights in KL as well. Seriously, what is with these people…

And people wonder why we get traffic congestion every so often. I have an answer for that – some idiots did too much charity and some retards got lucky.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 10 Comments