What do most people do when they see an asswipe car parked haphazardly around their own car? They’d usually take a picture and facebook it to shame the perpetrator.

Not my style. Cause that won’t do a thing to the asswipe owner. Too easy for them, I’d say.

Me, I’d usually vandalize the car, and I’d encourage you people to do the same too (just don’t do it in front of your kids). Taking pictures are just gay. It won’t do jackshit except to gain some empathy from your closet gay friends. You must not let them off too easy. They need to learn the hard lesson of not to park like a consummate asshole. They beg to have their cars vandalized, and if we make it a trend, they will deign to give a fuck about parking properly the next time.

Yesterday, a car parked too close to mine. Left just barely a foot’s space for me to get in my car. That was totally uncalled for, because my car was in the lot and there was plenty of space left on the other side. I had to squeeze myself in, nearly busted my own balls doing that. But of course, the owner had to pay for causing me such a pain, I made sure of that. I fucking ripped its side mirror off with my bare hands. Luckily, there wasn’t any scratch or dent on my car. Had there been one, I would have ripped both its mirrors off, and made all his 4 tires prematurely expired. Maybe even a windscreen job.

An ex-neighbor also once had the same thing from me. Remember the asshole who put a note on my mom’s car? The next few months following the incident, I did some Mythbuster shit on his car. I debunked some myth on various claims of chemicals that would affect the paintjob and his car came in quite handy. Eg. I found out that Rain-X won’t actually cause blisters, but just mild discoloration – I tested it on his car. And oh, it won’t spoil the rubber too. Though he didn’t quite recover from being an asshole from the unfortunate events that had befallen on his car, it was fun for me while it lasted. He moved away last year and I lost my experiments.

Anyway, the point is, don’t just do nothing when people double park you or left your car some dents. Give those assholes something in return. Vandalize their car.

I fucking hate cars with ‘bumper stickers’. I’m not sure if the term is even technically correct… because they’re not really on bumpers, but on the rear windscreen. Seems like a fad these days – unfolded collars, fake tans, douchebaggery, bumper fucking stickers. Most of them are with inane quotes that no one gives a shit like ‘princess on board’, ‘you’ll never walk alone’ or some religious chants. It’s like they can’t wait to tell the whole world that they suck or something.

Just the other day, there was this car which swept into my lane in high speed without an indicator, nearly hitting mine. It was a Malay chick with a psychological stench of a stray female dog with festering cunt. When her fucked up piece of a junk finally got to the front of mine, I then saw it – the bright yellow ‘bumper sticker’ that stood out like a sore thumb on the top left of her rear windscreen – ‘PREGNANT LADY DRIVER’ – with a graphic that showed a woman in an awkward pose like she was having a lobotomy at the wrong end. So what was the sticker all about? Like I wasn’t suppose to feel pissed because she’s pregnant? That it is excusable for pregnant people to weave all over the road like a fucking lunatic? What if I’m a motorcyclist who got run over by that bitch? Would it matter if she’s knocked up? Fucking cheebye.

Here, I manage to snap a photo of her ‘sticker’, excuse the blurriness – for I took the photo with a raging hand:

Whenever I am cutting through the country roads when fetching my wife back to her hometown, there is always this one type of driver that peeves me down to my spine – I’d call them, The MBs. It is an acronym of something rather insensitive, so, just take it as it is.

These MBs, are usually identifiable by their trademark of sticking an arm out of the window. Usually males of Malay descent. No one knows why do they do that. Some say they do that because they smoke. But I’ve seen many of them who weren’t smoking, and would still stick out an arm just for the hell of it.

Now, why do I harbor such a deep animosity towards these MBs? That’s because they’re road hazards and they make our lives difficult. How? By driving like sloths. Almost all of them would drive at speed lower than 30 kph. That’s roughly the speed of an old man with arthritis on a bicycle. If one has a skull cap on, that’s a Pak Haji variant of the MBs. These Pak Hajis are the elites of being extremely slow like fuck, and their speed is roughly 20kph to a total stop on the middle of the road. These people are so slow on roads, that heavy trucks are desperate enough to overtake them at tight corners – endangering the oncoming traffic in the process. God knows how many people were killed in road accidents because of them.

I suspected that these people drive so slow because of their intrinsic habit of being rustic. Pretty much like why a dog still runs in circle before going to sleep despite living in an urban setting. These people are so used to riding on bull carts and buffaloes, that it got ingrained in their DNA to move at that range of speed (this also explains why they are not able to operate any indicator switch inside a darn car. Carts and buffaloes do not have switches). That’s why when they get to drive a motorized vehicle, they couldn’t help but being fascinated with the fact that they don’t have to feed that thing some hay or flog it to make it move. Just step on the pedal and off they go. They’d then stick their arm out of the window to feel the wind caressing them and have a Pocahontas moment there.

To all of you MBs out there, fuck you. I hope all your chickens will turn into toyols and steal all your goats, and you’d have nothing to fuck when you’re bored.

I was stucked at an intersection for 40 over minutes the other day. Rather unexpectedly, at a non-peak hour time. Why? Because of a set of stupid traffic lights. What it did, was it only allowed 10 – 12 seconds on the green, and would go red for over 2 minutes. Anyone with half a brain would have figured what that would do to the traffic – huge motherfucking backlogs. It was like pressing your thumb against the spout of a faucet with running water.

I wonder who was the retard that was commissioned to time that set of stupid traffic lights. The sad thing is, people like that retard seem to be prevalent in Malaysia nowadays, because I noticed that the set of traffic lights IS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY ONE of its kind around. They’re all over the fucking place. There used to be one right outside my workplace that would go green for only 5 – 6 seconds, but would go red for eternity. And I remember encountering countless of such traffic lights in KL as well. Seriously, what is with these people…

And people wonder why we get traffic congestion every so often. I have an answer for that – some idiots did too much charity and some retards got lucky.

Losers, they can be found everywhere. But to bump into a loser amongst losers, now that’s not something you see very often. I had the chance to encounter one on my way to work this morning. The loser of all losers. The degenerate of all degenerates.

But before I go on describing what happened, please take some time to peruse the picture below…

The loser I was talking about was driving the red car in the picture, a heavily modified old Proton Iswara (you know, with horse power increasing stickers, big menacing spoiler and all). I was driving the dark car. It was raining at that time, and the traffic’s terrible.

As you can see, that loser was trying to squeeze through the narrow space in between lanes, apparently, to shove into location ‘X’. His car was just about half an inch away from brushing my side mirror and I was shit pissed with what he was trying to pull there. I responded by blaring my ultra loud air horn in agitation, and had him stopped in the middle of his maneuver, right when his driver window was opposite my front passenger’s.

I suspected that he must have wanted to confront me or something, but then, he didn’t honk me back, nor did he wind down his window to wave his fist. I reckon that he couldn’t open his door either, because there was only barely a feet of space between us. So, he just stopped right there. Driver across my passenger’s. Probably was cursing at me, I don’t know, because the tint on his heavily modded junk was too fucking dark for me to see anything inside. But I could tell that there was some movement inside (something’s alive inside, what a surprise!)

About a few seconds later, the queue on my lane moved and I was ahead of him. I kept checking my rear view and side mirror if that fucker was going to get down from his car or something. That was when I saw the window of his rickety junk started to inch down, and then got jammed halfway (no surprise, people… with his car being a Proton and all). He had to squeeze out his skinny ass hand from that small opening of that jammed window to flip me a lame bird (dark skinned – likely a Malay chap), and then to stick it back in to maneuver his car into location ‘X’ (that was an exit lane, by the way. My lane’s to go straight)

So, what actually happened back there was probably like this –
- loser didn’t like me honking him and he stopped beside my car to confront me.
- he wanted to honk me back, but his horn was not working.
- he wanted to wind down his window to flip me a bird, but his window was not working either.
- and when his window finally worked, it got jammed halfway and it wouldn’t go back up.

That was why I think, he deservedly be called ‘the loser amongst losers’. The key take away message is – if you want to flip other people birds, make sure you got a working power window, especially when it is raining.

The time that I was accelerating away from that spot, his car window was still stuck open, and rain was still pouring into his car. That made my day.