Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

February 19, 2014

save the environment

I was accompanying my wife to the ATM inside a hypermart the other day, when a smartly dressed lanky bloke who looked like junkie crossed with that Somalia pirate in ‘Captain Phillips’ approached me with an oversized writing board. On the board, was a sheet of paper full of signatures. Beaming a fake smile, the guy said to me:

“Good evening brother! Support the environment by signing your name here!” – and showed me that aforementioned paper full of signatures….

Now, I don’t know about you guys but, how the fuck do I save the environment by signing my name on a sheet of fucking paper?? Must be some kind of magic that I haven’t heard of. In fact, wouldn’t I be making the environment worse by using paper for those signatures?? Of course I know that the skinny shit stain was there to peddle some stupid product or scheme that latches around the concept of being green (WWF sticker book or some shit like that), and would probably chuck the sheet (or sheets) of signatures at the end of the day into a waste paper basket. Whatever the fuck he was doing there, environment was definitely not the motivation.

But the whole point of it is not about me giving a shit about what he wanted, but the concern of seeing so many gullible fucking stupid idiots that caved to that poser salesman’s horrible attempt to fake charms for a moment’s worth of attention… and actually went on to believe that they’d make a fucking difference by leaving a signature on that sheet of paper there. It shudders me to think that these are the bunch of morons cum idiots that I had to content with in this society and some of their lives are actually intersecting with mine at some point in time. This kinda reminded me of a video about some scientists introducing a pack of wolves at the Yellowstone national park that changed the whole food chain, which also changed the condition of the landscape into a more complete ecosystem, except that these bunch of idiots are tilting the effect at pretty much the opposite direction, and we’re gonna all fucking spiral into a black hole of sohainess (eg. we do not know if one of the signatures could belong to that teacher that is teaching at school… which in turn churn more idiots like her or those Earth Hour fucks and so on…). It’s not a very reassuring picture.

I stared at the guy with an annoyed look long enough for him to stop talking, and deftly flagged him off with a gesture that can only be interpreted as a ‘polite fuck off’. And fuck off he did with no repeated attempt to reengage the unpleasant situation.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
May 9, 2013


Let me ask you a question, people. You go to a multinational company, to a specific department, let’s say, engineering. You meet up with the manager of that department, and in front of him, you tell him this: “I am an awesome engineer. Hire me, give me a chance. I’m going to solve all your problems and make your engineering department the most productive department in the whole company.”.

That’s suppose to be your bid to vie for a position with a handsome paycheck that he wanted to hire for his team.

How do you reckon would the engineering manager react?

a) Ask for your credentials, qualifications, experience and a barrage of questions before asking you to go home and wait for his phone call.
b) Ask you to fuck off.
c) Hire you on the spot.

If you’ve been around looking for jobs, most likely you’ll pick (a), if not (b) – because nowadays, you can’t simply show up to whore yourself and expect people to hire you happily. You apply for a job, and get shortlisted before you can even get to speak to the fucking manager. So, it’s very likely you’d get escorted out by the security if you show up without an invitation..

Anyway, what happens if you do not have a track of records, or the required experience to fit the job? You will not get hired. Well, unless if you’re a hot girl and the manager’s a pervert but that’s beside the point. So what do you do after that? You can try harder. But if you fail for a number of times, circumstances will force you to go for a job with lower requirement, and of lesser importance. Even when you get hired to a job, you’d get a probation period before you’d get a permanent employment with full benefits. If you can’t perform up to the expectation, you’d be booted out. Basics of survival in the working world. Everyone goes through the same shit.

But what about our members of parliaments or state representatives? How do they get their job? For some strange fucking reasons, it doesn’t work that way for them. They get voted into office, and to get shortlisted, they’re nominated by someone you do not know in a political party. You do not know their qualifications. You do not know if they have experience. Hell, you do not know if they’re even fucking fit for the job. All you see, is their names when it is near the election date. You do not get to review a list of qualified applicants vying for the position, or get to shortlist the good ones. All they do, is convince you with words that they’re awesome for the job, and you should totally vote for them. When I wanted to vote, I see 4 – 5 names on the ballot paper, that I do not know. So I had to vote for the political party which I think is the most prospective one. Go figure.

Having said all that, can’t you see what I’m seeing? Isn’t this the same scenario as the example given above about whoring yourself in front of the engineering manager and hope you’d get hired? Sadly, it’s like that in the political world. Politicians whore themselves in front of us with merely words (and accusations). Most of them, have zero track records. Just names. And I’m expected to trust them with blind faith. It doesn’t work that way for me. That, my friend, is my qualm about democracy. It’s flawed.

And what if the person you’ve voted doesn’t win? You’ll have to deal with the nincompoop who got elected (whom you didn’t vote) for the next term and be content with him. !@#$%^&*()

In my world, I’d say, these people should prove themselves first. Much like a probation period. You want to be a wakil rakyat/MP? Do something that makes me happy or meets my needs. Repair some longkang. Patch some potholes. Do some flood mitigation project. Solve the crime problems in the neighborhood. Whatever. Just get a good track of records first. Then the party (or public) will review your performance and decide if you’re good to be shortlisted and subsequently, nominated as a candidate. You’ll be competing with the other assholes who are trying as hard to vie for the position, so it will be all good for the community. It will force you to be on the ground and get dirty with the people. You’ll be forced to gain the trusts through real work, not just some empty talk/promises. If you’re better than the others, you’d be voted into office and appointed as the representative in the state assembly (or parliament). If you fail, well, try harder. That’s what I call a real ‘meritocracy’ – at least in the world according to me.

Because we’re not like that – I reckon – we get all sorts of incompetent shitfucks running the government and equally useless simians populating the opposition parties. Just look at the headlines lately, some MCA / PCM dickheads ranting in the mainstream media that they’re withdrawing all support for the people because they’re not getting enough votes. (It should be the other way round you fucking idiots! People won’t vote for you if you can’t prove yourself useful!) I always like to say, voting for me is like given a choice to eat either a cockroach or a stinking bug. I just have to choose the one I dislike least. Why can’t we be given a choice of choosing someone really good? That’s because we do not have a check and balance for these people. It’s the system that failed us.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 17, 2013

Lim Guan Eng

I’m sure most of you people have heard what they said about Lim Guan Eng, the current chief minister of Penang – that he’s cocky, arrogant, aggressive and acts like he’s a deity or some shit like that. You know what I think about that? I think it’s all cool. I mean, he’s a Chief Minister of a state for fuck’s sake. The ONLY Chinese Chief Minister in a predominantly Malay country. He has a bunch of corrupted shit fucks to control, who have been in the state government for years… rooted to the bedrock and hiding all kinds of shit. You know what does it take to control that kind of filth? An attitude as hard as a diamond and a deep resolute, with a little bit arrogance to the taste.

Ask any managers (or even higher ranked leaders) about this, and they would agree with me. It’s prerequisite even at a lower scale, eg. in an organisation within a company. You have to be tough to be at the top position. You know what happens when you’re not tough enough? You’ll get people walk all over you and you’re not going to get your shit together. Just look at the previous Chief Minister of Penang (who is now an epitome of cowardice – even garnered enough fame to have a breed of seedless durian named after him – an allegory of not having ‘balls’).

And also, what’s with the paranoia about Lim Guan Eng having a mistress? So what if he has a mistress? Ask yourself, do you mind what your boss does after the office hours? Does it affect you and your job? Doesn’t fucking make any sense at all. If his morality is at stake, then why are we ok with that Chua Soi Lek – who has a 30 min long video of him porking and howling – running a vernacular political party (representing us Chinese, fucking hell) and going around giving his opinions like it matters? And what do you guys make of the incident of Lim Guan Eng protecting the innocence of a child whom he didn’t know, and had to go to prison for that? If I were to judge him by his acts of morality, I’d say he still has a few hundreds of mistresses to go before I’d *even* consider him a crook. Yes, that is how high he is in my respect book. Going to jail for some whipper snapper he doesn’t even know, that takes a lot of courage. He has a pair of balls bigger than all the men in Penang combined, and he has my respect for that. (I can’t name anyone else in the country who’d get that kind of respect from me.)

So, instead of instilling rancor to that tough image of this guy, shouldn’t we all be fucking glad that we have a badass CM running the government? Fuck yeah for me. I’m going to fucking vote for him if given the chance.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
January 6, 2013

east vs west

Now that Christmas is over, the next holiday week that most people are looking forward would be the Chinese New Year (abbreviated as CNY). In the short span of about 1.5 months, most business premises would struggle to change their decorations from the Christmas theme to the CNY theme. Quite a big change for most people, but for me, I can’t help but wonder on the ‘too much to be just coincidence’ similarities between the two – especially on the 2 lead figures of both celebrations – Santa Claus and God of Prosperity. So much similar, that it would have warranted a lawsuit if either holiday were to be run by shit companies like Apple.

Anyway, let me line out the similarities between both, and you guys decide for yourself.

Body size – fat with bulging belly.
I understand that in the (ancient) Chinese culture, fatasses with huge belly signifies wealth and fortune. It shows that he is well fed, and he doesn’t need to do shit. But I can’t explain about Santa. My take is, a fat old guy is rounder therefore, it is more likeable for the kids (as opposed to a skinny guy that looked like a drug addict).

Beard – thick long beard
Well, it isn’t really ‘thick’ per se for the God of Prosperity but, his overflowing lush beard is da shit in the oriental standard. Santa’s beard is huge as well.

Choice of color for the garb – red.
Well it’s really simple for the Chinese. Red signifies fortune, and also the myth on the Nin monster being scared of red (and loud noise) or something like that. So, the God of Prosperity is conveniently red (and gold). For Santa, it’s red as well.

Motive – to give shit away to people.
Santa gives away toys to behaving kids. God of Fortune does it further – he gives away gold and fortune to any lucky bastard.

Hat – wears a fucking hat.
Santa’s hat changes all the time, but the most iconic one would be the same type we see sexy santarinas wear at pubs during Christmas eve. God Of Fortune wears a hard tall hat with 2 antennas that is similar to ancient Chinese government officials’. The type of hat usually signifies ranking in the society and the wealth status (and perhaps to boost mobile signal reception). Both have hats, even though neither has male pattern baldness.

Age – seems old
Both are old geezers in their 60’s – 70’s. At this age if you’re this fat, you’re usually marked for death from either an overwhelming high blood pressure, or osteoporosis for having to hold that huge amount of weight with those brittling old bones.

The existence.
Do you see any other holiday with fat geezers going around giving away stuff? If I get to choose, I’d opt for a hourglass shaped bimbo with perfect tits and tap-able ass to do the job. Go figure.

Of course, there are things that are not the same at all – like,
– the God of Prosperity is actually worshipped as a deity. And you don’t have to be good to get the benefits. It is said that the mere sight of the ‘God of Prosperity’ alone would grant you bright future and fortune.
– In Christianity? They have seen Mother Mary, and Jesus on their toast (ironically, no Santa Claus) – they fucking cried and prayed harder (but nothing happened).
– Santa has a sleigh with reindeers, and utilizes some elf labors to manufacture the toys.
– God of Prosperity materializes gold out of thin air, and he fucking walks (or teleports).
– Santa covertly climbs down the chimney to give away toys
– God of Prosperity walks to your door step and does drive-by blessing (or rather, walk-by)

And the God of Prosperity pre-dates Christmas for about a few decades… at a time when no one knew China even existed! So I guess sometimes shit like ‘too much of a coincidence’ can actually happen… or China had already spread its influence way back before we thought it was possible? Another theory would be that, both are actually the same person, that came to visit us from outer space? o__O”

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 9, 2012

douchebag cyclists

Notice all of a sudden, everyone seems to be in the new fad of cycling nowadays? Not sure who started that but, it’s fast becoming an eyesore now. Cycling used to be a cool past time, until some bunch of people started to make it look like a staple past time for douchebags. And before you know it, every douchebag starts to embrace this activity like how hippies flock to puff some joints, get high and have sex with animals. I know I’m gonna draw a lot of flak here, because a lot of my friends are in this bandwagon. But you know what? I don’t really care.

First thing of all, you’ve got to barf on the ill sense of fashion there. If you think golfers looked real fucking bad, you should have seen how these ‘cyclists’ dress up. Oh I’m sure you’ve seen them around before. Spandex suits, tights, Oakley shades and helmet (whatever you call it). You see, professional cyclists needed to wear that kind of garb to make themselves more aerodynamic, and perhaps to reduce the impedance of their every movement – because every second they save, could mean a gold medal in the game. But these dickwads, they’ve got no seconds to save here. These wannabes are recreational cyclists. They cycle around town, whiffing carbon monoxide, puff a cigarette or two during the 2 hour break. The aerodynamic-ness is probably regressed by the massive beer belly or the twin man-boobs there. So what the fuck’s with the tights there? Coz they’re fucked up, that’s why.

And perhaps you’d hear a few of them brag about which bicycle frame they’re going to import from Europe, and how light its molded carbon body’s gonna be. I was thinking, if this cycling business is all about exercising or sports, then isn’t it better that the bicycle’s heavier? (you’ll exert more energy to move the darn thing) Why bother spending a few thousands more to buy a ‘lightweight’ carbon body bicycle? What’s the fucking point? Go faster? By 20 parsecs? Doesn’t make any sense at all. Notice that these are the same type of people who’d bitch about how Gardenia is 30 cents more expensive than Masimmo (or something like that) and makes them think it warrants for a boycott campaign, but would spend an arm and a leg on a stupid bicycle that is probably only 2 seconds faster than a regular one. This whole shebang kinda reminds me of those horsepower increasing stickers and spastic screw-on spoilers you see on a rustic bumpkin’s car.

Cycling used to be a fun thing I did before as a kid (I used to cycle 15 clicks a day to work), and I did it with a pair of bermudas, flip flops and faulty brakes. I had shitloads of scars on both my knees from bicycle stunts that went wrong, and so did my cousins. Was it ever about showing off? Nope, 2 wheels and working pedals were all that we needed for a bike. But look at it now. Cycling has turned so gay, that it makes gay people think it is gay.

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